Even if Jaebeom's mother's waken up from her coma, he won't be overcoming his strong dislike for any sort of cars or trucks, including buses, any time soon. He doesn't want to witness or be involved in any type of accident and he will avoid vehicles for as long as he can, and he'll keep taking the train.

Past rush hour, the last car of the train isn't as crowded as it is at other time of the day, leaving quite a few empty spots to sit and not worry about anything or anyone. He's exhausted so the moment he sits, he leans his head on the bar by his side, closing his eyes and breathing slowly. He lifts his head and opens his eyes when his neck starts hurting and the train jerks at one stop. When he does so, he notices the person in front of him and immediately recognises him.

Jinyoung, in simple jeans and oversize sweatshirt, sits in front of him, with his eyes locked on his hands that are covered with the sweatshirt sleeves in cute sweater paws. Jaebeom smiles fondly at the sight, even if Jinyoung hasn't noticed him yet. Jaebeom realises as he watches the other boy that his hair is a lot shorter, maybe a centimetre long, like a growing buzz cut, which makes him look at least four or five years younger. For a second Jaebeom thinks he's watching a teenager version of Jinyoung and he marvels at how a haircut can change a person so much.

Jinyoung probably feels his stare because he lifts his head and their eyes meet. Jaebeom watches surprise drawing on the other boy's features, a smile spreading over his lips and his eyes lighten with glee. Like that, Jinyoung truly looks like a teenager, and it's quite disconcerting.

Jinyoung doesn't say anything, nor does he move and Jaebeom also stays where he is, just staring back at Jinyoung with a little smile on his lips. They continue doing that for quite a few stations, until Jaebeom takes the first step and changes seats, next to Jinyoung this time. The younger doesn't seem to mind, considering his now wider smile.

"Hi," he greets, smiling happily. Up close, Jinyoung doesn't look lost or broken like he did the day before. He doesn't look exactly well or happy, there's still a shadow of something Jaebeom cannot grasp yet, but it's dark and heavy on Jinyoung's shoulders.

"Hi," echoes Jinyoung, and Jaebeom realises his smile is tired but not less honest for that. "How's your mother?"

"She's doing well, stayed awake all day. There seems to be some degree of paralysis and problems with her speech, but the doctor said she could start her rehabilitation tomorrow," Jaebeom shares easily. Funny how he's ended trusting Jinyoung to tell him about his problems as easily as he does with Jackson and Mark, sometimes even more easily. "She recognises us although she doesn't remember the accident. Still, her eyes are the same and I know she'll work hard to get better."

"That's really good news, hyung. Not the paralysis and the speech problems, but that she's more lucid and she'll start therapy. I think all that's manageable, but if she had forgotten about you then that would've broken your heart definitely."

"I agree," Jaebeom muses. "I'm grateful for the small blessings. How are you doing, by the way? Feeling any better?" He asks, watching Jinyoung closely and not missing how the younger looks away, to the now empty seat across from them.

"Oh," comes his reply, short and vague. "Why aren't you at the hospital? I thought you wouldn't leave that place now that your mother's awake."

"Abeoji is with her now, he finally came to visit her." Jinyoung notices the change in his voice, the way his face hardens when he speaks about his father, but he has the good judgement not to ask about that at the time. "Imo said I couldn't neglect school and that I needed a break so she sent me home to take a shower and get a break."

"She's right," Jinyoung smiles. "I'm sure your mother wouldn't like if you fail your courses or get behind."

"She definitely wouldn't want to. I graduate this semester," Jaebeom speaks.

"Oh, such a grownup already," Jinyoung chuckles lightly. "You definitely can't get behind, you're almost done!"

"I know, it's just hard to remember that's something important when all I can worry about is eomma." Jaebeom leans back, his eyes also fixing across from them, watching their reflection on the glass, dark as they travel the tunnels of line 9.

"Where are you heading?" He asks after a few moments of silence.

"No idea," answers Jinyoung with a shrug, also watching their reflection, they meet eyes there. "I'm not even sure where I am now. I realised where I was when I was already sitting here and you were in front of me."

"Do you want to come with me?" Jaebeom asks, thinking that he won't spend the night at home because he's sure his father won't stay with his mother at the hospital and he doesn't want to leave her alone, plus he wants to tell his aunt to stay at the sauna if she wants and not to worry about his mother. "I'm going home to grab my things and change, so if you don't have plans you can tag along."

Jaebeom is still concerned about Jinyoung and fears where he might end up when he's not exactly doing well. He doesn't want to be overbearing, so he tries to make it casual, hoping Jinyoung will agree so he can try to keep him busy and away from his dangerous thoughts.

"You don't mind?"

"Oh," Jaebeom answers with a smile, turning to meet Jinyoung's eyes outside the reflection. "You've been to my place already, and I'm most likely going back to the hospital before abeoji comes back."

"Then if that's okay, sure," Jinyoung smiles and so does Jaebeom, taking a look at the map over the doors to check the station they currently are at, realising they are just one stop away from Seocho Station.

When the doors open at their station, Jaebeom stands up and wills Jinyoung to follow him outside the train and the platform, walking ahead to the exit and marking his T-money first to exit through the tourniquet, not looking back to make sure Jinyoung is tailing him, but knowing it. Jaebeom leads the way, although Jinyoung knows where it is. He doesn't pay him much attention as they walk, texting one of his classmates asking if he could borrow todays' notes as he spent the day at the hospital with his mother. Understanding of his situation, his classmate agrees and says he'll send him scans of his notes before he goes to bed. Jaebeom promises to take him for some samgyeopsal one day to pay him back.

Jaebeom pays attention to Jinyoung when they are at his building tower and he has to enter the code to pass through the doors and then take the lift together. They don't talk and Jaebeom watches Jinyoung on the mirrors of the lift, still surprised that he looks so much younger with that haircut. His face looks different, softer as if it still had some baby fat, even is his body looking more lanky and shorter? Jinyoung doesn't look like the confident, witty and unwonted person he's got to know.

"You look a lot younger with that haircut," Jaebeom points out and watches Jinyoung tensing.

"Yeah, not one of my best looks. But it'll grow quickly," he replies but Jaebeom is shaking his head.

"I didn't say you didn't look good, though, just a lot younger. You look like five years younger," he explains, hoping Jinyoung understands.

"Hmm... I am nineteen today," he says, his eyes lost in the reflection in a way that makes Jaebeom feel Jinyoung's sadness, as if it was pouring from his eyes like unstoppable tears, filling the lift at alarming speed.

Jaebeom watches him closely and the look in Jinyoung's eyes makes him understand what he means with that statement. Sometimes, when he thinks of the future and all the responsibilities he'll have to bear, he gets scared and feels like he's still a kid. He looks at his own reflection and sees a kid who's not ready for the world. Jinyoung probably feels like that when he watches himself on the mirror.

The doors open in that moment, cutting through his thoughts. He walks out first and Jinyoung continues following him as he enters the passcode with the sound that confirms it's unlocked.

"Do you want something to eat or drink?" Jaebeom asks as they take off their shoes at the spacious receiver before walking inside his home. "Did you have dinner? It's quite late but if you haven't I'm sure there must be something."

"I'm okay, I don't need anything," Jinyoung answers, accepting the slippers Jaebeom offers and following him inside, towards his bedroom.

"Are you sure? If you wanna grow a strong man, you need to get some meat on those bones," he teases lightly, grin on his lips when he turns over his shoulder to meet Jinyoung's eyes.

"Ha, ha, very funny, hyung." Jaebeom only chuckles. "I'm fine though, I'm not even thirsty."

Jaebeom squints his eyes at him, stopping in front of the kitchen as if he wasn't sure to accept Jinyoung's words.

"Don't go telling people I'm a bad host later, okay? The first time I wasn't in the right mind to offer you anything."

Jinyoung laughs, amused and unworried.

"Rest assured, I won't speak of your host skills to anyone. I don't even have anyone to bath mouth you to."

Jaebeom feels sympathetic, even if the comment is made casually and unperturbed, as if he had accepted it already and embraced it. Jinyoung's loneliness is something he wears confidently, but it still makes Jaebeom uneasy, wishing there was someone else for the younger, maybe like that he wouldn't be so fascinated with death and would get a bit interested in life instead.

"I'll have your word on that," Jaebeom replies, deciding not to probe on Jinyoung's lack of friends and instead he just continues their way to his room. "Get comfortable, I'll go wash up first," he says as he gets some fresh change of clothes and dipping his belongings on his bed. "I won't take long."

"No worries," Jinyoung comments, already interested watching his library, head tilted to read the titles. "I won't disappear while you're in the shower."

Jaebeom nods his head and leaves the room to his bathroom. He turns on the water and stretches a bit before taking off his clothes, feeling the tension in his muscles, stiff and knotted. He thinks of his aunt and hopes she's getting a good massage. Jaebeom only has the hot water to serve of some relief for his sore muscles, especially on his back. He feels his skin burning when the water touches it, but he bears with it and tries to stretch his muscles under the water, massaging his neck the best he can. It helps him to relax and let loose a bit, but his body is still stiff when he is done and drying himself. He considers the option to go to a sauna some other day, he might even go with Youngjae or Jackson and Mark.

When he's done and in fresh comfortable clothes (sweatpants and a large t-shirt), Jaebeom goes back to his room, still drying his hair with a towel, and finding Jinyoung sitting on the floor by his bed side, a book in his hands.

"What are you reading?" Jaebeom asks, making his presence noted and sitting by Jinyoung's side, but on the bed, letting the tower rest around his neck.

Jinyoung shows the cover of one of the essay books he bought once, a few years ago. He doesn't remember in detail what the book was about, the pictures more vivid in his memory than the words.

"You have a nice collection," Jinyoung points out. "Quite impressive."

"Thanks. You like reading, so how's your collection? You must own many books, too."

"Do I own anything?" Jinyoung asks offhandedly, flipping the pages without closely reading the content, just scanning the paragraphs. "Do you really own anything in life when after you die everything goes to someone else?"

"You own them while you live, after that they don't hold any meaning," Jaebeom answers, trying not to get startled or surprised by Jinyoung cryptic mood. "Owning something is a concept that only applies to the living."

"Hmm..." Jinyoung hums. "Is there something you'd like to take with you when you die? Either something mundane like a book?"

It's Jaebeom's turn to hum in thought. "I haven't really thought about it," he replies honestly. "If I can take something with me, I guess, I'd like to take what makes me the happiest."

"And what is that?" Jinyoung asks, his hand resting on a page with a picture of a sunset, his fingers running over it slowly and carefully, as if he were really trying to touch the sun hiding under the horizon.

"Maybe my camera?" Jaebeom considers. "I truly love taking pictures, capturing those special moments or the people that mean the most to me. That ability to freeze a moment and put it on a picture for you to appreciate without thinking that time is running out, taking away everything you see and know. Moreover, I have no idea what's after death but I have the feeling I'd like to take pictures of that place."

Jaebeom hears Jinyoung sigh and he watches him closely, so he can notice the small smile on his lips before he turns to look back at him.

"Some moments truly need to be immortalised," Jinyoung concedes. "A camera would be great in death. It'd be great if you could take it with you, hyung. I'd like to see the pictures you take."

"What would you like to take with you?" Jaebeom asks, curious now about Jinyoung's thoughts.

"I don't know," he confesses, closing the book and tilting his head back, resting it on the bed next to Jaebeom's thigh. "Which makes me wonder if I'm really living or not, and if not, then what's the difference if I die? Even if I die, it would be more of the same."

"Maybe you just haven't found something that you don't want to part ways with," Jaebeom suggests, feeling an urge to touch Jinyoung, offer him some comfort. "But you'll find that something that makes a difference between living and dying."

"Maybe..." Jinyoung mutters, his eyes meeting Jaebeom's, a small smile on his lips. "I envy you, hyung."

"You'll find something," Jaebeom speaks as if he was so much ahead in life, which is ridiculous, he's just one year older.

Endearing and so fond of the younger boy by his side, Jaebeom ruffles his short hair, annoying Jinyoung who immediately bats his hands away, making Jaebeom chuckle amused. Honestly, he wishes Jinyoung will find something that makes him feel like he's actually living, something that'll make living as fascinating as death is for him. Jaebeom wants Jinyoung to be happy.

∞

I'm not sure why I love these two so much, even when they are just sitting by each other's side. Anyhow, I hope you enjoyed the updates and forgave me for making you wait so long.

Bel, xx