Jaebeom stays with his mother, obviously, instead of going looking for Jinyoung; moreover, he has no idea where to find the young boy. Rather than that, he stays by his mother side, massaging her limbs and talking to her, knowing she'll be back in no time. The nurses stay alert to the exact moment she regains consciousness, and Jaebeom is there to cry out when that happens.

It's not like in dramas, his mother doesn't just squeeze back his hand and wakes up, calling his name. No, it takes a few hours since the doctor announced his mother would wake up for her eyes to move under her eyelids, another couple of hours for her eyes to flutter open. She cannot speak, she's connected to tubes and all sort of machines, and she cannot really focus on anything, but Jaebeom calls for her.

"Eomma, eomma! I'm here, look at me. Welcome back," Jaebeom speaks, his voice breaking, his eyes filled with tears.

His mother's eyes can't focus on him and she looks tired, so extremely tired. Not even thirty seconds later, her eyes shut close again and she's sleeping.

Jaebeom calls the doctor and the nurses to tell them his mother opened her eyes for a few seconds. They ask him to step out so they can check on her and make sure she can be disconnected from the ventilator, at least.

With how long it's taking and the relief that it's actually happening, his mother is finally awake, or kind of, Jaebeom can breathe. He's hiding his excitement because it still doesn't feel real and the doctor said it would take a while before his mother could speak or even recognise him or anything. It's been too long for her to just wake up like her usual self.

Finally, because he didn't think about it before, he calls his father, but it takes three tries for the man to pick up.

"What's the matter, Jaebeom?" The man asks, voice cold and void of any real concern. Jaebeom can hear the voices in the background, which means he isn't in his office or alone.

"Eomma is waking up. The doctors are checking if they can disconnect her right now. She opened her eyes a few moments ago," Jaebeom reports diligently, controlling his emotions because he doesn't want his father to scold him for getting over emotional. He doesn't need that right now.

"That's delightful news. I'll make some time to go see your mother at the hospital today or tomorrow," the man grants. "I'm busy now. Take care of her."

The man doesn't wait for Jaebeom to say anything and he hangs up. It's disappointing and sad, but Jaebeom isn't surprised that's how his father reacts to the news. He wouldn't be surprised if the man doesn't even show up. In the almost three months since the accident he has barely shown his face in the hospital. Still, it breaks Jaebeom's heart a bit, and he feels like he needs to repress his own emotions.

Since the doctor came in the room and told him his mother would wake up, he's been on the edge, just waiting for her to come back, expectant. For hours, he's been on hold and it still doesn't feel like the moment has come to rejoice and really celebrate.

Pushing his feelings to the back to deal with what's at hands, Jaebeom makes another call, this time to his aunt to inform her his mother is finally awake. Contrary to his dad, his aunt screams and expresses her great joy, saying she's running back to the hospital with Youngjae. That makes him smile, glad to feel some joy about this. It makes him feel less lonely.

Because Jaebeom cannot enter the room yet and they have taken his mother to run some tests, he goes to the rooftop for some fresh air and put his thoughts and emotions in order. It's hard to accept his mother is awake when she hasn't said a word and hasn't properly looked him in the eyes, but he saw her awake and he knows the doctor are making sure she is well enough. Maybe he did watch too many dramas where the worst outcome was the coma patient not recognising anyone, eloquently saying they don't know anything or what happened. Or those in which the patient recognises their family and cry in joy together. In reality it's a slow process, gradual and it keeps Jaebeom hanging. It might take a few days before his mother can actually speak or even understand the questions, and it'll take that much for Jaebeom to properly feel his mother is back.

The doctor said long ago that if his mother woke up, it would be even harder than waiting for her to wake up. The therapy and the possible sequels would be something they would have to deal with. Now that time has come Jaebeom has to be strong to endure all that and carry his mother in whatever state the accident has left her.

Honestly, Jaebeom is scared of such possible state. What if she doesn't remember? What if she cannot walk anymore? What if she cannot speak? What if she is left in some other form of disability he can't even imagine? What is he going to do then?

Jaebeom is just now really accepting the idea that even now that his mother has woken up, she will never be the same person she was before the accident.

The lift doors open and Jaebeom walks out, his head still clouded with all his unanswered questions, his fears and all the expectation making his heart heavy. Still, he takes the stairs to the rooftop and crosses the door, immediately taking a deep breath and closing his eyes as soon as the strong and cold wind of October slaps him. It's not harsh but it's biting, and it's so real, which is what Jaebeom really needs that in that moment. There's so much uncertainty in his life, things are changing and he has no idea in what direction just yet.

It feels like standing in the middle of a crossroad, with cars, people and bikes going in every direction, around him, nonstop, and Jaebeom has no idea where they are going, they just happen. It's like the chaos outside his university campus and Jaebeom feels the same fear of a possible accident.

The cold air at the top of the hospital feels real and grounding, enough to cool his mind a bit. Jaebeom walks to the rail, opening his eyes to appreciate the still mesmerising view from up high. The city greeting autumn, the colours changing to a warm yet still decaying orangish brown. The sky is clear and the sun is getting ready to hide, giving the whole view a caramel veil that paints the perfect autumn picture. The lights aren't blinding yet, but they wait for their time to outshine the starts when the sun sets.

Jaebeom wraps his hands on the rail and looks down, to the ant-sized people, just dots on the asphalt, walking fast heading who knows where. There are so many of different colours, all so small... so insignificant. Jaebeom remembers Jinyoung saying that height gave him perspective, reminded him how small we are. Back then Jaebeom just thought of it as depressive, but today he feels comforted because even if his worry are choking him, that's just so small in the universe, just another knot in a gigantic tapestry that's life. It's not the end of the world and he'll manage to make it through.

With his hands on the rail, Jaebeom leans back, tilting his head to face the clear sky, his eyes closed and just breathing deeply.

He breathes in, and out. In and out. The cold embraces him but makes him feel alive and slowly, a smile comes to his lips as he feels more relaxed, focusing on this moment. He has no idea how things will change, but right now everything is great. His mother woke up, he doesn't need to make the decision to let her go yet. Whatever state she's in that they'll have to face together is better than death.

Feeling more in control, Jaebeom leans forward, and opens his eyes, still with a little smile on his lips until he sees there's someone next to him, facing the same outstanding view, but from the other side of the rail, feet barely on the edge, hands holding on to the rail but just for balance, not to exactly keep him there. Jaebeom recognises him immediately, already familiar with the jet black hair, the pale complexion, the handsome features.

It's Jinyoung.

"Tell me you're not trying to jump," Jaebeom speaks, trying not to assume that when just the day before Jinyoung was looking so bright and happy.

His voice startles the other boy who jumps in his skin, gasping and turning his head to look at Jaebeom with wild and disoriented eyes. Dark bags decorate his face in the most miserable way, his eyes are bloodshot as if he's been crying and his lips are chapped and blueish, as if he has been in the cold for hours and hours. Jinyoung looks like deer caught in headlights and Jaebeom notices he's shaking.

Alarmed with what he sees, Jaebeom moves slowly but closer to Jinyoung, wrapping his hand around the younger's wrist who once again jerks with the contact as if it burned him.

"It's okay, Jinyoung-ah," he calls because this time it doesn't look like Jinyoung is appreciating the view, instead he looks like he's lost it. "Come here, careful."

"Hyung... you're here..." Jinyoung breathes out, confusing Jaebeom because he was there first, how could Jinyoung come to stand there without noticing him before? How out of it is he?

Worry makes his heart heavy.

"Yes, I'm here. Now come to this side, okay? Careful," Jaebeom instructs, his voice soft so he won't startle the boy.

It works, Jinyoung follows him, carefully passing his body over the rail to the same side Jaebeom is standing on. The older grabs both of Jinyoung's arms, keeping him in place and just now noticing the many layers his friend is wearing. It's October and the weather is getting colder, but not that cold yet. Not enough to wear a coat.

"Hyung..." Jinyoung breathes out, distracting Jaebeom from focusing on how Jinyoung doesn't fit in this moment.

"It's okay," Jaebeom reassures again, focusing only on Jinyoung in that moment. It seems something happened, something that triggered him somehow leaving him in such vulnerable state. The poor boy is still shaking, his eyes wild. "Whatever it is, it's okay now."

Jinyoung doesn't speak, doesn't explain or shares what happened, instead, he steps closer as if drawn by Jaebeom, and clings to the older with desperation. His thin arms wrap around Jaebeom's waist with a vice grip, and his face is in Jaebeom's shoulder, breathing deeply. The older pats Jinyoung's back, softly, rubbing comforting circles wondering what left the young man like this.

Speaking when one is feeling vulnerable and broken is hard, some people can't even do it and it seems Jinyoung loses his eloquence when he's falling apart, so Jaebeom just holds him for as long as he needs it, just like Jinyoung did the night before, comforting him, promising him things would be all right, even believing his mother would wake up soon.

Jaebeom smiles when he thinks of that. It feels like Jinyoung put a spell on him to get his mother to wake up, like the screams in his nightmare were actually real and worked.

Jinyoung pulls apart when the sky is dark and the wind blows stronger, pulling and pushing their hairs in every direction, making the younger's coat flap like wings getting ready to take flight.

"Better?" Jaebeom asks, keeping Jinyoung at arm length, looking into his eyes with compassion and real concern, without judgement or apprehension.

"I can breathe so yes, better," Jinyoung replies. "Thank you... for pulling me back." Jaebeom smiles, knowing the younger also refers pulling him back from the other side of the rail.

"It's the least I could do," Jaebeom answers, trying to fix Jinyoung's hair in an endearing way, but the wind disarrays it immediately after. "May I ask what happened?"

Jinyoung looks down, avoiding his eyes. "I just lost control of my emotions and rational thinking, not being selective and just wanting to die now."

Jaebeom confirms Jinyoung was indeed about to jump when he opened his eyes, this time he really saved him from dying. He doesn't make any remark about that, though.

"Why?" Jaebeom tries asking instead, hoping he's not pushing Jinyoung with that.

"I rather not talk about it... I don't even think I can explain. It just... happens." Jaebeom doesn't blame him for being vague about it and he understands it's better not to probe into the younger's situation any further at the moment. "Thanks for stopping me, though. I don't want to accidentally kill someone while falling on them in my attempt to suicide."

Jaebeom smiles, not making a comment about Jinyoung's concern because he's sure the younger wouldn't appreciate his humour in that moment.

"Why are you here at the rooftop?" The younger questions, an attempt to change topics, Jaebeom realises.

"I needed to think and I'm not currently allowed in eomma's room."

"Why's that?" Jinyoung's expression morphs in worry, his brow knitted together, especially when Jaebeom's smile grows wider with delight.

"Because she woke up and the doctors are running tests on her!" He cries out, louder than he's been since he received the news, feeling honestly excited instead of pressured to remain calm and collected.

Jinyoung's eyes widen in surprise and delight, even bouncing as he jumps to hug Jaebeom again, not out of desperation but happiness. Jinyoung is happy for him and Jaebeom, without realising, ends up laughing out loud in sheer joy, hugging Jinyoung back as tightly as he can.

"She's awake! She's finally awake and back!" Jaebeom cries, feeling tears in his eyes that are nothing but happiness.

"That's so great! I'm so happy for you, hyung!"

"Thank you," Jaebeom breathes out, lifting Jinyoung from the ground for a second before putting him back and breaking the hug, but staying close. "It's as if you were right, about everything last night."

Jinyoung's smile is honest, although still a bit broken, but certainly an improvement. He doesn't look at the edge of a breakdown and his thoughts are focused on a very different and more gleeful matter.

"I'm just glad she's awake, hyung. I knew she wouldn't leave you alone, she just had to remember that," Jinyoung comments and Jaebeom continues smiling because he's just so delighted and he feels free to share his true emotions with Jinyoung. He doesn't need to pretend in front of Jinyoung, or keep a facade, he can be honest and open with everything that he's feeling, and that's the most liberating thing.

"Thank you," Jaebeom whispers, honestly thankful that Jinyoung showed up, contained him, pulled him back together and gave him room to be himself without strain, acting on how he feels.

Jinyoung just smiles at him, beautiful in such a sad way because he still looks fragile, like a bowl with so many cracks that a whisper could break, but it's still such a tragically beautiful thing that makes him hold his breath as he stares at the young man in front of him.

Jinyoung is always beautiful, even when he's at the brisk of breaking and Jaebeom is in awe.

∞

Wattpad has been having some issues lately, so I hope you still can read this chapter. I'm sure everything will be solved soon.

Bel, xx