By the time Jaebeom is done with classes, the young man is knackered. It seems he really got a cold because the headache doesn't go away, his body feels made of lead, he's constantly shivering and his head is really stuffy. Going to the hospital takes longer than usual because he misses his stop and in that moment he doesn't think of changing platforms and just go back. No, Jaebeom gets off, and out of the station and walks to the hospital when he's feeling already so poorly.

Bad judgment that only comes from a mind that's working at thirty-five point six percent.

Luckily for Jaebeom, when he makes it to his mother's room, she isn't alone. His smile is automatic and wide when he sees his aunt by his mother's side, putting new flowers and more picture frames and other sort of things to make the room more homey, something Jaebeom just couldn't do.

"Imo!" He cries out, getting the attention of the other woman, so similar to Youngjae with the wide smile and happy go lucky expression.

"Jaebeomie! Surprise!" The woman replies, immediately opening her arms and Jaebeom doesn't hesitate to step in the embrace. His mother has been in coma for over two months, he's missed that motherly affection and hugs that can put all his pieces together. "Aw, you poor thing. You've suffered a lot, haven't you?"

Jaebeom doesn't answer, he just lets his aunt pat his hair like when he was a kid, even if he's easily a head taller than her now.

"How can your appa be so cruel to let you alone through this? He should've taken his holidays and be here."

Jaebeom agrees and he's complained for the same thing many times, but he doesn't have the energy to do so now.

Noticing his extremely quiet behaviour, his aunt pushes to take a better look at Jaebeom, taking notice of the deep bags under his eyes due to exhaustion, his flushed face, patched lips and downcast expression.

"Eommo!" she exclaims in surprise, immediately checking for a fever. "You're burning up! Did you take anything? What happened? Is it the stress?"

Jaebeom shakes his head at all those questions and answers, "I got caught in the rain last night. I think it's a cold."

"We're in a hospital, we're getting that seen now," his aunt declares in that voice that says there's no arguing that will change her mind, yet he tries.

"I can do that myself. I just wanted to check on eomma first. I'm so glad you're here, imo. I bet she missed you a lot."

"And now that I'm here, you can rest a bit, Jaebeomie. You've had it so hard, and now you don't need to bear all the burden yourself. You can lean on me," she says, her tone soft and so warm, exactly what Jaebeom needed. "Now go and take care of your cold, don't make your eomma worry, okay? Get home and rest so tomorrow you'll feel better, trust me to look after her."

"Thank you, imo," Jaebeom says with heartfelt sincerity. His aunt smiles encouragingly, ruffling his hair before sending him out, patting his bum as if he was still a little kid.

Jaebeom chuckles a bit before he is kicked out, he greets his mother and tells her he'll be back soon when he's feeling better, he's leaving her in good hands. Only after that he gets out and heads for the emergency room to get some sort of shot or anything. However, the moment he is in the reception he can only see the many other people waiting and realises it'll take a while, and he's definitely not in the mood to wait among other sick people.

Feeling exhausted, Jaebeom just goes to the pharmacy and speaks to the ahjussi there, explaining his symptoms and just buying everything the man recommends. With the bag with all the medicine, Jaebeom considers going home, but he doesn't feel good enough to ride the subway or take a bus at peak hour. For that reason, he goes back to the hospital but not to his mother's room because his aunt will nag him and send him home herself if he shows up. Because it's a nice day, he goes to the rooftop.

Jaebeom takes the same route as he previously did to the rooftop, still getting marvelled with the view, and scanning his surroundings in case Jinyoung is there like before, but he's the only human there. Relaxed, he looks for a place to sit and relax, enjoying the last rays of sunshine. He goes to the other side of the rooftop, away from the door so no one will see him and tell him to get out for who knows what reason. There, he takes off his backpack, puts the bag with medicine next to it and sits down, his back against the rooftop rail. Exhaustion makes it all twice as harder and his fever makes him want to give up on life, so he takes the medicine he was given to reduce his fever, even getting a patch for his forehead. He drinks the energy drink and once he's consumed everything he was told to, Jaebeom closes his eyes, his face to the sun letting the big star warm him up when he's feeling so cold.

Jaebeom doesn't know if he falls asleep or something, but he loses track of time as he just lies there, waiting for the flow of people to decrease so he can go back home comfortably. His mind goes over many things, from how he should've taken a taxi but didn't consider the option until he was already so comfortable on the rooftop, to what is he going to do if his mother doesn't wake up? His mind is all over the place, and sometimes it's like he is dreaming for how bizarre his thoughts become.

It's a curious state.

"Are you alive?" Someone asks, a voice that sounds distant yet somehow familiar.

Jaebeom opens one eye and scans his surroundings, but he cannot see anyone.

"Ah, you aren't dead. You look kinda dead, though," the voice continues and now Jaebeom realises it comes from his left, so he opens his other eye and turns his head, just to find Park Jinyoung there, sitting on the rail as if nothing, his back to free fall of thirteen storeys.

Jaebeom feels his heart-rate speed up, his body tensing at the dangerous situation, almost immediately reaching out, but he is too tired, his body not exactly responsive so he gets a chance to think and realise he doesn't need to stop Jinyoung. The young boy doesn't seem about to jump, his attention is on Jaebeom. Willing himself to calm down, Jaebeom takes a deep breath and relaxes, noticing other details like how Jinyoung is in hospital gear.

"When did you get admitted? Why?" The older asks, confused. He saw Jinyoung the night before and he was completely fine.

Jinyoung shrugs as if he didn't remember, but it had to be today if last night he was out and acting as his usual odd self.

"Did you catch a cold?" Jinyoung asks instead and if Jaebeom had all his mental faculties, he wouldn't allow to get distracted like this.

"It seems so," Jaebeom answer but it sounds slurred, causing Jinyoung to grimace.

"You do look terrible, hyung. I told you last night," Jinyoung comments, completely unnecessarily. "At least it seems you took care of it. Now it's a matter of just waiting for it to pass. But you're in a hospital, you should've gotten treated here instead of with drugs from he pharmacy."

"Emergency was too crowded and I don't feel like being around people," Jaebeom answers honestly. "By the way, can you get off the rail? It's making me incredibly anxious."

"The view is great from up here," Jinyoung says, completely ignoring his request. "People look insignificant from here. Everything looks insignificant, so small you can barely distinguish what is what. It's so easy to see the big picture from here, literally."

"Is that why you like heights?" Jaebeom asks, accepting Jinyoung won't get off, if anything he leads back as he stares down, and the older feels his heart about to jump off his chest.

"Partly," Jinyoung answers with a shrug, and then, surprising Jaebeom, he gets off the rail and sits by his side. "It gives me perspective and it clears my mind, which helps when I need to think."

"It's dangerous," Jaebeom points out, keeping his eyes on the boy next to him.

"So it's everything else. Almost anything can kill you, did you know?" Jinyoung laughs. "You can get hit by a delivery man when walking down the street. Or get a weird disease. Or get struck by a lighting. Or bitten by a deadly spider while sleeping. Uff, so many ways to day, getting close to a precipice won't make much a difference, honestly."

"That's a very depressive way to see life," the older comments, feeling apprehension because Jinyoung is right. It's just so easy to die, just being at the wrong time in the wrong place.

"Life is depressive," the younger shrugs. "Heights give me perspective and slap me with humility, reminding me the world doesn't turn around me and I'm just a spec like everyone else down there. It also makes me realise my problems are as insignificant in the big picture."

"Can't you realise the same without putting your life in extra risk?"

Jinyoung looks at Jaebeom with a grin that's both mischievous and extremely handsome at the same time.

"And what's the fun in that?"

Jaebeom first instinct is to call the other boy crazy, but he remembers his conversation with Jackson and Mark about being more understanding, so he bites his tongue and swallows those words.

"You have no attachment to life, do you?" Jinyoung only nods to confirm such statement. "Why? Isn't anything worth living for? Your family? Friends? A girlfriend?"

"My family are too busy with their lives, so we aren't a close knit group. I don't have friends. My ex boyfriend broke up with me because I was too much to handle and my suicidal tendencies scared him."

Boyfriend, Jaebeom thinks without judging. His best friends are in a relationship, Jackson and Mark, for the past two years and they are still gross together, overly cute at times, just a perfect balance making everyone feel depressive single, even those who are not even single.

"I do understand your boyfriend. If you love someone, you obviously worry about them and wouldn't want them to die," Jaebeom reasons, trying to imagine himself in a situation like that and feeling his headache getting worse.

"We were like fifteen, we weren't in love, hyung. But I have to admit I was a lot more dramatic when I was a teenager. I blame it on the hormones."

Jaebeom doesn't want to, but he ends up laughing at that, imagining a younger Jinyoung more dramatic and exaggerated about his suicide attempts, more to get attention than actually wanting to die.

"Do you really want to die?" Jaebeom asks, still something hard to understand, and Jinyoung acts so nonchalant about it that it's hard to imagine him as someone depressed or miserable. He looks more curious than suicidal... odd.

"I'd like to. I'm extremely curious to know what's after life. To be honest, life in general sucks so I wonder if what comes is worse or better. I try to be hopeful, though," the boy answers, tilting his head up, to the sky that now, Jaebeom realises, is dark. Way past sunset.

"What if there's nothing?"

"What if there's something?" Jinyoung refutes using his same tone and Jaebeom has to accept they have the same certainty for both statements, which makes it a tie. "If I have to be sincere, I don't believe in heaven and hell. I think living is paying for all your sins, and getting recompensed for our good actions in our past life. Basically, living is that hell where you pay, you know? When we die, we just get accounted for what we did in this life before we are sent to the next, depending on what we did."

"What a depressive way to see life," Jaebeom comments, trying to hide the surprise that Jinyoung's opinion causes.

"Some people think life is a blessing, but there's no life without hardships and we get what we deserve, so if we suffer a lot, it's because we did something really bad. When you look back, what did you do bad to deserve this?" Jinyoung continues, getting into this debate. "Like you. What did your mother or you did to deserve this situation? Were you bad people before the accident."

"No," Jaebeom replies immediately. He wasn't the best person or an example, he got in many fights, but he never meant harm to anyone. And his mother has always been such a gentle and kind soul, she didn't deserve what happened.

"Maybe in your past lives you did something, who knows? And now you're paying for it."

"Why does it have to be a punishment? Why do we have to pay?" Jaebeom insists, feeling frustrated even when he sees things like that.

"Because everything has a price in life, nothing's for free," Jinyoung answers calmly. "And if it's not paying for your wrongdoings, then what is it? Bad luck? Why? Just because?"

"It's unfair, we don't even remember if we did something bad," continues the older, hating even more the other option. At least Jinyoung's theory has an explanation for why they have to suffer.

"Hence why I say life has too many hardships and it's depressive. Do you see my point now?"

"Yes," Jaebeom agrees but it doesn't make him feel any better. "I still don't want to die, I just want to punch someone in the face. Probably my past self for getting me in this situation."

Jinyoung laughs at that, happily, his eyes crinkling, his hand flying to cover his mouth, the sound deep and warm, it sends pleasant shivers down his spine and Jaebeom realises he likes it, he truly likes Jinyoung's honest smile, not the sarcastic grin, or the patronising smirk. No, Jaebeom likes this cheerful and happy laughter, he really does.

And as he watches Jinyoung laughing, he realises the other isn't that crazy as he thought.

∞

Ah, how I love my JJ Project *insert heart eyes* What about you? Enjoying the story? Let me know! 

Bel, xx