(CHAPTER SIX :
MONSTER IN ME)

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DAYS AGO, MY HUMANITY returned and I became a recluse to the shadows. Nobody knew I was back in Mystic Falls — bar the Originals — and I wanted it to remain that way. Despite Klaus Mikaelson's blood healing me of the bite, the mistakes of my past didn't fade. They were permanent and messy like an ink splatter. Since I returned, even sleep hadn't spared me — most of my nights included my first kill on constant replay. No matter how much I pretended my demons left me unfazed, it would only ever be that . . . pretend.

In addition to the nightmares, I had to cleanse myself of my European Tour with Kol. Whilst I had my humanity off, I did many things that I wasn't proud of, that I was struggling to accept and could never admit to the cookie-cutter perfect Mystic Falls Gang. None of them had experienced the sheer terror of a vampire's wrath before. Even Klaus and Kol had been fairly tame since their arrival, they had killed in front of Elena and Co but nothing beyond that. During our trip, Kol and I considered killing an art form, a twisted interpretation of expression and would score each other. Then, on top of the nightmares and guilt clause with my returning emotions, I finally had a clear head in thinking about the curse. I was going to die unless we could find a descendant of Mary-Alice Claire. Maybe there wasn't even a we, I didn't know where I stood with Kol now the two of us were on opposite sides again.

Speaking of the Curse, I was growing wary of the side effects. As I shunned myself from the town population, I didn't have to worry about exposing anything unnatural to the humans, but I had began to experience more regular side effects. Nothing major, just enough to startle me. Occasionally, I would get hot sweats or lose control of my muscles. However, it was my intense craving for blood that impacted me the most. I knew I could only drink from Kol, yet I had a murderous urge arise if I didn't quench the artificial thirst with a blood bag or two — which eventually came up again. It was an unpleasant cycle. Even more unpleasant because my stealth had become questionable when I was almost caught stealing blood bags by Meredith Fell, leaving me to find a supplier. I would rather be dead than beg for Kol's blood. As a result, I turned to the good old reliable Matt Donovan for help.

I liked Matt Donovan. He was easy on the eyes and proved he could keep a secret, even if he displayed unfavourable feelings towards said secret. Due to that — and because he was in debt to me for killing a spider one time — I depended on him for assistance when it came to day four of my return.

TO: LOTTIE

Come to the Grill.

FROM: MATT

When my phone buzzed, I grimaced. He had been dropping off blood bags at my apartment because I explicitly told him that I didn't want to potentially face the likes of Damon or Jeremy yet. Damon never called to give me a heads up he survived and I knew Jeremy would still be mad after how we left things. It seemed an oversight on his behalf, one I didn't have the energy to object to. Zipping up a black hoodie, I kept my head down and hoped I could sneak into the town hotspot through the back.

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With my hands in my pockets, I wondered how long my flawed system would function. Blood bags were temporary nourishment that prevented me from mindless murder, but they barely sustained me. I was approaching the week mark without Kol's blood and feared I would desiccate soon. Each time I drank from a blood bag, a small amount wasn't puked up, but the contents that did come up seemed to be expanding as the days went on and the cravings were an itch I struggled to scratch.

Pulling my hood further over my head, I hesitated in willing my vampire features away as I passed a child with a scraped knee. It was so wrong, but smelt so good. Digging my nails into my own palm, I picked up my pace and failed to notice the shut doors and paper printed 'closed' sign in the window of the restaurant. Approaching the back entrance, I tugged at the door to find it locked. Admittedly, it was odd because the Grill was only twenty minutes away from my residence and I didn't think Matt would change his mind that fast.

Checking my phone, I saw no new texts and was about to compile one when my ears pricked up. "You may be a potential hunter, but if you make one move, I'll break all twenty-seven bones in your hand." Instantly, I pocketed the device and used my amplified strength to force the door open. Somebody was definitely in there and if Matt was too, I couldn't ignore the fact he could be the person being threatened.

Just as I believed the door to have loosened, it was thrown open and my body collided with one of a far larger build. He brushed off the incident, standing up and extending his gloved hand towards me. The unnamed man gave me a bad vibe and his entire scent reeked of vervain, so I gave him a crooked smile and pushed myself up from the ground without aid.

"I have no manners, sorry." I shrugged innocently, rejecting his hand.

Nodding, he looked me up and down. "No matter, I already know who you are." He unnerved me. "And I already know you're a vampire." I furrowed my brow at this unwarranted statement, scanning the area to see that Matt was nowhere in sight and it was only the dark skinned man, myself and . . . Jeremy Gilbert.

"Oh, goody. Then it's okay for me to say if you so much breathe in the wrong way towards Jeremy or I, I'll break all fifty-four bones in both your hands." I mocked the threat I had overheard earlier, the menace in my tone overflowing. Even now I had my humanity, I had no qualms about being openly protective of the people around me and sometimes that required violent means.

"Lottie, you're back." Jeremy breathed, squinting as if I could fade at any given moment. "When Connor texted you from Matt's phone, I didn't think you would come, I swear." He insisted, a guilt-ridden expression fixed onto his face.

It took me a minute to process the meaning behind his words. "Wait, you sold me out?" I reiterated in disbelief.

"You were meant to be out of town!" Jeremy exclaimed. "He wanted the name of a vampire and I thought you wouldn't come." My ex defended with underlying sincerity. Of course I was still frustrated he exposed me to the man, for all I knew 'Connor' could have tracked my whereabouts if I hadn't shown.

"Yes, he sold you out and if you entered through the front, werewolf venom would have been everywhere. Shame really." Connor revealed with such casualty that I failed to grasp how he could think himself superior to vampires. He was just as disturbed as my species. "Don't strain yourself too much, I'm sure I can figure out another way to kill you though." He continued upon detecting my nonchalance. To show fear would have been a rookie move, therefore I remained apathetic.

"I'm sorry for being such an inconvenience." I performed a satirical bow, slipping in a sly smile for good measure.

Connor was armed, but never did like an easy kill. Rather, he stepped forward and slapped me, the sting of his vervain glazed glove leaving a red mark on my cheek. I didn't move, I let him hit me and was almost grateful Klaus had built up my tolerance to the herb. Simply, I narrowed my eyes at the attack.

Jeremy didn't appreciate the move, stepping between the two of us. "Woah, woah." He vocalised, placing one of his hands on my shoulder. "Connor, they're not all bad, you know. Some of them, they're my friends." The Gilbert explained slowly, accentuating the words with extreme care. "Lottie is good. I believe that with all of me."

Friends. We were friends and I should have felt honoured by that term after what I had done to him. Yet, it stung a little. I wished had treated him better and gave him more of a chance because he saw the good in me. Hell, I couldn't even see the good in me, so for him to be able to made my heart trip.

Connor raised an eyebrow. "The first thing she did was threaten to break fifty of my bones." He pointed a finger at me in accusation.

"Fifty-four." I corrected. "And there's nothing wrong with coexistence. I'm his friend and he has many more vampire friends." I gulped at the word, but decided it was for the best anyway.

"Your friends, huh?" Doubtful, Connor scoffed at the thought of a human boy having vampires for friends. "Yeah, I had a friend like that once. She got turned by this vampire I was hunting. He thought it would be ironic." Hatred seeped through his words, rotting them until they sounded more deformed and vile than previously.

I held my breath. "What happened to her?" I tried to resist pitying him, I could relate to how hard it was on both parties — the vampire and their friends.

"I didn't want to hurt her." The hunter said calmly. "She promised that she would keep it under control but . . . a vampire's like a loaded gun." For dramatics, there was a tense pause. "Eventually it's gonna go off." He finished abruptly, as if he was talking about what he had for something as mundane as his lunch.

"Funny enough, that makes us equals." I confessed, opting that admittance of my sins was the best approach from here on. "You killed your own friend, I did too. I'm a vampire because I have fangs, I'm a monster because I've killed like you." I declared, confident that what made me a monster was not the fact I had fangs. It was possible to be a vampire without killing, much like it was possible to be a human and to kill.

Humourlessly, Connor laughed. "We are not equals." He spat, retrieving a pocket knife from behind him and slicing a small cut through Jeremy Gilbert's palm. "I have control, I know what I do and own it." He persisted.

I was caught off guard, which I applauded him for. It was clever of him, but not wholly appreciated by me because I was weak around blood in the present. After my human binge, I had to readapt to blood bags and was fighting for control still. Unwillingly, my vampire face replaced my usual distinctive features — not that I let it define what I did next. Control, I thought to myself, I had it. Maybe I lacked control in the past, but I wanted to own what I did right in that minute and why I did it.

"You're right, I can't control this." I agreed, gesturing to my vampire face. "And, in the past, I couldn't control my actions around blood." I walked closer to the brunette boy, counting my steps and breaths to contain my animal instincts. "But, like I said, we're equals. I have control, I know what I do and own it." I lied through my teeth, but knew I would feel accomplished if I proved myself this one time. So, I slapped my palm against Jeremy's bleeding one and linked our hands as a show of unison before pulling him into a hug.

"I'll make sure you get help, but I need to get out of here in case I do hurt you. I'm not stable, Jer." I whispered into his ear, low enough that the hunter in the room remained oblivious to the bitter truth.

Unimpressed, Connor folded his arms. "That proves nothing."

"Actually, it proves everything." I retorted, pulling away from the hug with a wink. "But, I can fax you a list of all my other wrongdoings so you can help me 'own them.'" I made air quotations with my fingers around 'own them', speeding away to prevent the monster in me from losing control.

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A.N: Two updates in one day? I'm shocked too! Not that this was the most exciting chapter, but it does reestablish Lottie's place in the show and brings in the complication of Jeremy — a little unfinished business for her. It also added clarity to the blood situation and how she was healed. A tiny, tiny amount of blood doesn't come back up when she pukes. Also, never fear Kol will make an appearance in the next chapter so we could found out more about the situation. Kottie for the winnnn.

I'm running out of related questions so Halloween is coming up. Is anybody doing anything? Getting in costume? I'm being an angel.