Achieving Unbroken
Chapter Fifty

—

"I hope that you spend your days,
But they all add up
And when that sun goes down,
I hope you raise your cup"
I Lived | OneRepublic

—

Jason
[Monday, October 23rd, 2018]

I had the instant feeling that today was going to be weird.

It started with this morning, when I got to school and didn't see Lilla at the table in the cafeteria that we normally sit at. In fact, she wasn't in the cafeteria at all.

Me: Late start?

As clingy as this sounds, I was just curious as to where she is.

Knowing that it might take her a minute to respond, I left the cafeteria and walked to the building across the courtyard where our library is. I was going to print out an essay for my social sciences class that was due tomorrow, since I had the time.

But when I entered, and headed over to the computer lab, I saw her.

With Charlie.

I quickly ducked behind a bookshelf before I was noticed, but I was close enough to eavesdrop.

"I need to tell him, Lilla. I know I did a lot, but I need him to know—"

"Charlie, he's dead. That should be closure enough for you, but if you tell Jason this, he won't ever have that closure."

My immediate thought was what the fuck? Because first of all, why would Charlie want to talk to me? Second, why were they talking about me and Joey?

I was very confused, to say the least. And maybe a little worried that they were talking, and maybe Charlie was trying to rope Lilla into something she didn't want to do?

"Lilla—"

"Charlie, you know what the right choice is here. I'm done arguing."

Lilla left after that. Seconds later, Charlie did too.

And I was left with the nagging question in my brain of what the hell I wasn't in on.

—

Lilla was kind of awkward for the rest of the day, being short with me and getting panicky whenever I questioned her about what was going on.

I continued to do so in math, doing my best to avoid getting caught.

Me: If there's something wrong, you know you can tell me, right?

Lilly: Ofc I know that. Nothings wrong.

Me: Just an off day, then?

Lilly: Wdym

Me: Lilly, I know you and I know when somethings up.

Lilly: Nothing is "up", Jason. I probably just didn't get enough sleep last night. Sorry that it's stressing you out so much.

Me: Fine. Whatever you say.

At this point, I was extremely bothered, because I am left with thinking that Charlie is involved with her behavior. Whatever they were talking about in the library is stressing her out, and now she's pushing me away.

The only issue was that I had no way to figure out what was going on. Unless, that is, I went and confronted Charlie about my questions myself.

That, to me, was the obvious choice. And the next morning, the idea materialized.

—

[Tuesday, October 24th, 2018]

It took me about 10 minutes to walk Bringham High's campus to track down Charlie. He was in the library, again, so it was already quiet and unbelievably awkward.

"Charlie," I walk up to the blonde who is looking around the shelves of biographies. What I am expecting is some snark, an angry face, his usual aggression.

Instead, he looks scared. He reels back a little, eyes widening in surprise.

"Jason."

Something is definitely wrong. He didn't call me "Oakland".

"Listen, man, I'm not here to pick a fight or anything, I just wanted to ask you something."

Charlie nods for me to continue. Looks like he won't pick a fight either.

Thank God.

"What's going on with Lilla? Or, what is she helping you with? I'm not bothered by it, she's just been acting really quiet and weird, and I saw you two talking the other day, and I was wondering if you knew if anything was up."

It takes him like, over 10 seconds to respond. He seems hesitant, and on the edge of doing something — what that "something" is, I don't know.

"Yeah. I do know what's up. I just don't think we should talk about it right now."

"Why?"

"It's a sensitive topic, dude. Please. After school, outside the gym, yeah? We have a lot to talk about."

"Wait, we?"

"We," he nods, head bobbing slowly. "I'll explain everything then."

In all honestly, I'm reluctant to agree. There's a bad feeling around this; maybe because it's Charlie, or maybe it is something else entirely.

It just makes me nervous.

"After school. Outside the gym." I assure. He gives me another nod, and I take that as a cue to leave; so I adjust the straps of my backpack and make a silent exit.

—

[After School, Outside Of Gym]

Charlie is leaning against the gym doors by the time I get there. A small part of me expects to see Lilla, or some of his douchey friends, but that expectation is crushed when the confirmation that he is alone hits me.

"Felds," I shout to get his attention. He just nods, and I get closer, stomach reeling like it is churning butter.

"I wanna wait 'till everyone is gone." He tells me. My face falls into a frown.

"You kidding me? That'll be forever."

Charlie gives me a pointed look.

"You'll thank me for insisting on it later."

My face twists, eyes squinting to scan his face for any relative sign of... Well, anything, really. I just want to know what's going on. Is that too much to ask?

With a huff, I pull my phone out of my pocket and prepare for the next 30 minutes of boredom.

After awhile, most of the cars are gone, and it is just Charlie and I on this side of the quiet campus.

"I think it's good now," Charlie pipes up. "I just don't know how to start this."

"Charlie, man, I don't even understand what's going on. Why are you so shaky about this?"

A few deep breaths go by. The gears are turning in his head.

"It's about Joey."

My breathing stops.

"What about him?"

"Jason, it's not good, if you don't wanna hear it then I won't say anything but I thought you should know—"

"Charlie." He shuts up. "What happened with Joey?" I can tell he's conflicted. Whatever he's about to talk about is painful for him, too, but I'm more concerned about what he wants to tell me about my brother.

"I'm gonna just rip off the bandaid, man." I nod for him to continue. "You remember when my sister," he gulps, "died, right?"

"Yeah. Hey, again, I'm sorry about that. But what—"

"She didn't just die." He interrupts me. "She... Took her own life."

My eyes widen. Mental puzzle pieces fit together, making sense of this reasoning that he might have a reason to hate the world, too.

"Charlie, I—"

"If you tell me you're sorry I'm not going to be able to finish telling you," he cuts me off. "Sorry," he sighs. "I found out after she died that she was being bullied. I only have proof of cyber bullying, but I'm just about positive that she was bullied at school, too."

"What does this have to do with Joey?"

I'm getting impatient. He said it's about my little brother, but he hasn't said how.

"Your brother was bullying my sister."

My first thought is no fucking way.

"Charlie, there's no—"

"You think I'd tell you this without proof?" He slips his own phone from his pocket, and after hitting some buttons, he's placing it in my hands. Screenshots of Instagram and Facebook posts, pictures from his sister, comments from—

My second thought: Oh my God. It's my brother's profile.

My third thought is no wonder he hates me.

After Joey died, the cops were quick to find the dealer that gave him the heroine. But even though Joey got the heroine from somewhere, a thought that I had to come to terms with was that Joey took the drugs. No one pushed him to do it.

He was his own demise.

But in Clarity's case, someone else was her ruin, and that just happened to be my own dead brother.

Eyes flitting over the screen, scrolling through the images, I feel anger for Joey for the first time since his death. The comments are flat out disgusting and unfathomable.

I'm disappointed.

A side of Joey that I never got to see was shining in a spotlight, and as much as I want to scream, cry, and punch; I swallow it down.

Because maybe I needed to know this in order to move on.

Because this is true and I can't do anything about it, but I can maybe make amends with Charlie.

Because both of our younger siblings are dead, and we both have hurdles to jump.

When I look back up from the phone, Charlie is still looking at me, cheeks damp with tears. His eyes are bloodshot and the blue pops out of the red like an abstract painting. I can't help but let tears rush to my eyes at how he isn't trying to stay strong, and a choked sob scrapes out of my throat. He mimics me just a second later.

I do the only thing I can think of.

I hug him.

Without hesitation, he hugs me back, and there we are; a mess of tears and emotions.

"I'm so sorry," I mumble in his ear. "I didn't know."

His head shakes against my shoulder. Both of our arms tighten.

It strikes me, all of the sudden, that all of this was bubbling beneath the surface for the past couple of years. A weight is suddenly lifted from my shoulders, and for the first time, the thought that I had been repeating to myself the past year seems like it's actually true:

You can do this.