-Chapter 44-
Achieving Unbroken
Chapter Forty Four
—
"You're ripped at every edge but you're a masterpiece;
And now you're tearing through the pages and the ink"
Colors | Halsey
—
Jason
[Tuesday, August 3rd, 2018]
It's been two days since I last saw my dad.
He's called my mom, I know because I hear them talking all the time when Mom thinks she's being discreet. I'm too scared to talk to him; so she tells him that I'm out with the girls, or asleep, or just plain can't talk.
I feel terrible for what I did. For punching him, for lashing out when I thought that I finally had a grasp on things.
If he had told me, I wouldn't have lashed out. We could have talked about it.
I've spent the last two days wishing things were different.
Not just wishing that I hadn't hit my father, not just wishing that I could take back every word that came out of my mouth when Lilla was just trying to help.
I'm alone with my thoughts, thinking that if Joey were here, none of us would be in this position. If I hadn't been dilly dallying and just went and got Joey at that stupid party, he would be alive and I wouldn't have punched Dad or snapped at Lilla.
It's been two days since I've spoken to Lilla.
She left instantly after getting something to tell Carl. I only looked at her once, and there were tears in her eyes; tears over me. I shouldn't be the cause of her sadness, or stress, and the thought that I was even making her cry killed me. It made me more of a wreck than I already was, and I added that guilt on my rant that I was giving my mothers about how badly I've fucked up over and over.
I want to talk to her; I need to talk to her.
I don't know if I'll have the confidence to talk to my dad if I don't make up with her.
Grabbing my phone off of the side of my bed, I scroll to her contact, internally debating whether or not to call or text.
She doesn't like phone calls, but a call would show how important it is that we talk.
Phone call it is.
As the phone rings against my ear, I can't tell if I'm praying for her to answer or if I'm hoping she won't answer so that I can just leave an awkward message and have more time to prepare what I really want to say.
"J— Jason?"
Ohmyfuckinggodsheansweredspeakidiotspeak
"Lilla. Hey."
"... Hey."
She probably doesn't want to talk to you, dipshit.
Mentally and emotionally exhausted, I roughly run my right hand up and down my face, deciding to just cut to the chase.
"Fuck, Lilly. I'm so sorry. I was such an asshole, and you were just trying to help, and—"
"Don't worry about it, Jason," she says in a passive tone. "You were upset. It wasn't my place to be there. It's fine."
"No. No it's not. You can't just give people excuses when they've hurt you. I hurt you. I'm so, so sorry."
"Jace, like I said, don't worry about it. You were mad. I shouldn't have pushed you. Carl just wanted me to check on you."
Her voice is borderline robotic. She's trying to brush it off.
"And you did the right thing. I was at fault, I could have been so much less of a dick to you and I feel awful."
"You shouldn't. You were upset."
"Jesus, Lilla! Why are you making it so hard to apologize?"
She hesitates. I hear her take a deep breath.
"I'm not looking to be another thing you're worried about, Jason. You were upset, you lashed out. Don't be worried about hurting me, that's not what I'm around for. Okay?"
Somehow, this blows me away. I can't accept that she is trying to convince me to somehow not care about her feelings? Does she have any idea how much I care about her, and how shitty I feel at the thought of hurting her?
"No. Not okay. I don't know if you remember that we are actually friends, Lilla. Friendship means we care. I care; about you, about what you're feeling. Why does that come as such a shock to you?"
"It's not a shock, Jason. I'm trying to be one less thing you have to worry about—"
"As if I have a ton of shit on my plate?"
"You should make up with your father. Not be on the phone with me."
"I wasn't going to be able to make up with my father unless I knew I had you, you're forgiveness and your support! You make things better, Lilla."
"Then let me keep making things better and stop stressing about me."
"Your feelings matter!"
"No they don't!" Lilla suddenly outbursts, becoming dead quiet instantly after. I hear her curse under her breath.
"Lilly, what do you mean they don't?"
She sighs, heavy and heartbreaking.
"Jason, what you have experienced transcends every horrible emotion imaginable. I've lost a grandparent, which killed me, but what is it compared to Joey? What right to I have to be upset about anything when it will always sound stupid and juvenile?" She takes a deep breath, for four seconds, and breathes out for another four, like one of the breathing exercises she did with me in her car. "You're going to get upset. I can't take it personally."
"Yes you can, Lilla. Everyone is entitled to their own emotions and no one should ever compare them to other's. I didn't know you felt like this. I didn't even know you lost a grandparent."
It's strange, seeing this part of Lilla. The emotional one, the doubtful one, the one who needs reassuring. Roles have been reversed in this brief moment in time, because right now, Lilla needs someone to listen. And Lord knows she's had to listen enough to me.
"Yeah," she responds, weakly. "My grandma. Cancer. She was the classic grandma with the best hugs and great food. Her and I were really close."
"I'm sorry," I tell her, because even though that was my least favorite thing to hear from people after Joey's death, it doesn't sound like she's heard it enough.
After long enough, it sounds like pity. But in the beginning, people are truly sorry. And sometimes it's good to know that they really are sorry that someone that was loved has left.
Lilla sniffs.
"Thanks. It's fine though. It's been a few years. It should be getting to the point where I don't get upset whenever I think about it."
"You know, you don't always have to say it's fine. No one and nothing can define your emotions, trust me. I love and care about you, and—"
I pause. I just told her I loved her.
Brush it off, keep talking, panic later.
"—And I want to talk to you about your grandma sometime. Again, I'm sorry for the way I acted. I'm always happy to see you; but in the current situation, I didn't want you to think of me as some crazy loose cannon."
"I don't," she interjects immediately.
"Good." I smile. "You should come over for another family dinner soon. I think that my mom already loves you, but I don't blame her."
I can almost hear the blush and accompanying grin through the phone.
"You're too good, Jason."
"Says one of the most beautiful people, inside and out, I've ever met."
"God, you're such a flirt. Go make up with your dad and double check on that dinner invite, because I would actually love to come over. And Jason?"
"Yeah?"
"Thank you. For listening, for everything. I love and care about you too."
Without waiting for my response, she hangs up.
And I'm left sitting on my bed, trying to keep myself from smiling too big, and ready to talk to my father.
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