Achieving Unbroken
Chapter Thirty Four

—

"Dial tone, nothing but that high note
On repeat 'cause we don't listen when we talk"
Talk | Why Don't We

—

Lilla
[Sunday, July 17th, 2018]

"Wait— You... You what?" I try to hold back a few giggles after Piper shares what is supposed to be a long kept secret, but she can hardly say it out loud. It keeps coming through as a blur of muffled sound.

"Idntknowhwtoswim," she mumbles, and I can barely string the words together.

"You don't know how to swim?" I clarify, but she screams.

"Don't say it out loud!" I have to pull the phone away from my ear to keep my eardrum from shattering. "It's so embarrassing."

"How did I not know this before?"

"We haven't gone swimming before."

"You know, it's awfully hard to swim in the Pacific Ocean."

"But I could get pulled in by the current, and boom! My dead body ends up washed up on a beach in Japan." I roll my eyes, smirking, and I open my mouth to respond but she cuts me off. "And if you make a joke about me getting buried in my mother's homeland I will come to your house and personally throw you out the window."

"Well, that would have been funny, but that's not what I was gonna say. I was gonna say that I'll go in the water with you a little bit every day, and you'll see it's fine. Before we leave we'll go get you some bathing suits. No worries, Pipe."

She sighs in relief on the other line.

"Thank you."

"Of course. So, now that you're going, what's the guest list that we are aware of as of right now?"

"You, me, Vince obviously, Peyton because he's a beach whore, I dunno if Cannon is going or not but I'm pretty sure he is, E.J. is definitely in, Patrick too, and Jason obviously."

"Good God, is there enough room for all of us at Vinnie's house?"

"From what I hear, yes. They use the house a lot for family reunions and such, so there's plenty of room. Vince's Dad stays in a carriage house on the property."

I flop backwards into a horizontal position on my bed, twirling a piece of hair around my finger and having a moment where I feel like I'm in a 90's teenage romcom.

"You know whose gonna be really excited that you're going?" I say through a wide grin.

"Don't you dare."

"Oh my gosh, you can take the weekend as an opportunity to find out how Real Patrick and Dream Patrick compare!"

"When hell freezes over, Lilla." Huffing, I roll onto my side so that I am facing my nightstand.

"He really likes you, you know."

"He does not."

"Scout's Honor," I attempt, even holding up the three fingers though I know that she can't see them.

"You weren't a Girl Scout."

"It's a figure of speech! I swear that Patrick likes you."

There's no response on the other line, I can hardly even hear Piper breathing. She seems to be contemplating how to finish this debate, or something.

"What would you say if I told you that Jason liked you?"

"I'd say 'wow, Pip, have you considered comedy as a career option?'"

"Be serious, Lilla."

"I am serious, Piper. Jason doesn't like me. He's just now getting in touch with his emotions, and even if he thinks he likes me, it's probably 'cause I've helped him through some stuff. I wouldn't look to far into it."

I try not to sound hopeful. In fact, my heart aches from trying to convince her and myself not to get our hopes up. I also try not to sound too... I don't know the word. 'Heartbroken' would be a bit of a stretch. But something adjacent to the feeling.

"Lil, do you like him?"

"Of course," I scoff. "He's one of my best friends."

"Jesus Christ," Piper spits in a breathy voice, very quietly. "Romantically. Be real for a sec. Please."

It almost feels like the future of Jason and I's friendship is riding on how I answer this. If I say yes, then it confirms that all the bullshit that Zoe put in my head wasn't bullshit after all. If I say no, then I'm beyond lying to myself and I could stick myself in Denialville forever. If I say maybe, then... That would be the truth.

Because Piper is my best friend, I settle with the truth.

"I could," my voice is quieter, less confident. Piper exhales, and I can't tell if she's relieved or more concerned now.

"So what are you gonna do about it?"

"Uh, nothing," I tell her like it's the most obvious thing in the world.

"What do you mean 'nothing'?"

"What are you going to do about the sex dream with Patrick?"

"That's not the same and you know it."

"You're not going to do anything about it, are you?"

"No, but—"

"But what? It's a free country. I may or may not have feelings for Jason, and I don't plan on doing anything about it. I don't understand why that's so crazy for you."

"You're just going to let your feelings sit idle in your mind for the rest of... Hell, the rest of high school?"

At this point, I sit up. I understand that she's trying to be a best friend, be in my corner, and encourage me to take chances; but this is a fragile situation. And for some reason, that's very confusing to her.

"Yes, as a matter of fact, I am. Gladly. Because you know what? The last thing that Jason needs is a friend that's going to be selfish about their own feelings when he's still having nightmares about his dead brother."

Aggravated, I hang up. Maybe I shouldn't have, but she just couldn't see what I was seeing. She isn't in my position; she hasn't gotten a phone call at one AM about someone's nightmare and then had to take care of that person for the night. She hasn't seen her friend heartbroken and in tears.

Her and I will make up later. I know we will. I'll say I'm sorry for being a bitch, she'll apologize for not respecting my opinion, and everything will be fine. I just... Don't want to think about it anymore.

I don't want to think about whether or not I would be selfish to feel romantically about Jason. I don't want to think about how he might feel the same way, and I certainly don't want to think about faking feelings that are most likely real when we reach senior year.

My phone lights up in front of me; a text coming in. It's Piper. Against my bitterness, I check the message.

Pip: I hate how you always feel like it's selfish to share your feelings. Yes, Jason is in a tough spot and "the last thing that Jason needs is a friend that's going to be selfish about their own feelings", but you know what? Jason doesn't need a friend that's not going to express themselves in return.

Another speech bubble instantly follows the first one.

Pip: He doesn't deserve a friend that's gonna keep things from him.