Achieving Unbroken
Chapter Ten

—

"It doesn't really hurt, but it always takes me back to 16,
In your basement, and your parents, my feelings;
I never got over it"
Matches | Cash Cash + Rozes

—

Lilla
[Wednesday, May 17th, 2018]

When I pull up in front of Mr. Oakland's house, I feel my stomach sink. I haven't been here in over a year, and while everything looks the same, it's going to be different. I know it.

The bottoms of my wedges slap against the cement walkway as I mosey up to the front door, and I feel my body shake with each step. I don't know why I'm so nervous, it's not like I'm having a dinner here, complete with conversation and everything.

But anyone could answer the door.

I doubt his family is up this early.

Penny is a nurse, she works an early shift.

She won't answer the door. Calm the hell down.

Sometime during my internal debate, I must have gotten the balls to knock, because I hear footsteps approaching the door.

Enter Penelope Oakland; 41 years old, 5'4", and an incredibly talented chef.

Right now, she looks as if she's seen a ghost.

"Lilla," she mumbles, and all my idiotic self can manage is a small grin.

"Hi, Mrs. Oakland," I reply. If this were last year, I would have called her Penelope. Most people call her Penny, but I loved her full name. It was so fun to say.

But it isn't last year anymore. So much can change in a year. Too much.

She doesn't correct me, either. She lets the Mrs. Oakland go. I watch her swallow the alteration down in a large, nervous gulp.

"How- how are you, Sweetheart? What're you doing in the neighborhood?"

"I'm good. It's been awhile," I attempt, but I just get a small nod. "Me and Jason are hanging out today, actually. I thought I'd drive him to school."

"Oh," she nods. Her eyes are distant. This is strange. "I didn't realize you guys were hanging out."

"It's a recent development," I spit out. "But it's been really nice."

Silence.

"How are you? How's Carl? Is he still crazy smart?" Carl was a good kid. I wonder if he missed me.

She gets cut off before she can even form a sentence.

"Lilla!"

I look over Penelope's shoulder and see Jason perched on the staircase, backpack slung over his shoulders, brow furrowed in confusion.

He looks like a little curious puppy.

Brain, shut up.

"Hey, Jace. Ready to go?"

Jace. What the eff was that?

Penelope and Jason look lost too. I don't know what I'm doing. Why did I think I could do this? Come over and try to act like I can fix an emotional wound?

"Yeah. Bye, Penny."

"Bye, Love." They share a soft look, and Jason comes and steps next to me across the threshold of his house. My heart swells at his relationship with Penelope; she came in and proved herself to both Jason and Joey when her and Stephen got married. They thought she was some gold digger who was out for their father's money, but she is stronger than anyone will ever know.

"Have a good day, Mrs. Oakland."

"You too, Sweetheart."

She stopped calling me Lilla. Thank God.

Jason and I slam my car doors shut as we crawl into my dad's old Accord. His eyes scan the car, absorbing every detail, even though he's been in it before.

"It's funny, I forgot how much I love your stepmom."

Something like realization flows into Jason's eyes.

"You haven't met Ma— Loraine, have you?" I rack my brain to identify the name, and conclude that I haven't heard it. "Mama."

"What?"

"If Joey ever mentioned her, he probably called her Mama."

"It's bad enough to watch Mama and Mom flirt senselessly in front of us..."

"I think he's said it before. I didn't ask for details."

"Oh." Jason pauses. "Do you want details?"

I hesitate for quite a few seconds. Heck yeah I want details, but does he really wanna give me those details? I know that his parents are divorced—him and I have that in common—and obviously remarried. Carl is his little stepbrother, but I don't know what the situation is on his mom's side.

"I mean—"

"You wanna know." He cuts me off. Ashamed, I look in my lap.

"It's not a big deal, I mean, I'd be curious too." His hand reaches over and rests over mine that are folded in my lap. I suck in a sharp breath. "Listen, long story short, my parents didn't have a great marriage. Things fell apart after awhile and my mom started seeing Loraine behind my dad's back. They got caught, my parents divorced, and... Loraine and my mom got married. Joey and I were pretty young. We remember it happening, but we never saw our parents super happy together in the first place." He sighs. "Loraine was another mom to us. She was great. Then, Dad met Penny, and she already had Carl. Around the same time, Mom and Mama had twin girls. Mama used her egg and our uncle's sperm and carried them for the nine months."

His eyes grow distant, like there's a little more. I'm already taken aback by all of this, I can't imagine all of this happening to me as a kid. For me, it was pretty cut and dry; my parents fell out of love. They divorced when I was little, and they peacefully coparent. But stepparents and stepsiblings? Please. I've been trying to get my parents to get back out and date for years. Let alone get remarried and adopt.

"What is it, Jason? Did things take a turn for the worse? Did—"

"Joey and our moms were so close," he forced out. "When they had Diamond and Sapph, he felt really... I don't know. Betrayed? It didn't bother me as much, I was growing up, and I knew that if I needed them they were there. But Joey was young. He needed more attention, and reassurance, and... He felt like he lost that. So he started staying at Dad's more, even though he didn't like that much either because he felt like he was always second to Carl."

Another sad sigh. His eyes glisten and I fully prepare for him to cry, but he doesn't. He takes ten deep breaths, clenches his fists, and I wrap my fingers around his hand in my lap. Then, he looks up at me. The gold of his eyes shines through the water welling around them.

"Joey got stuck in the middle in a bad time. I love Mom and Mama, but— Sometimes I wish they would have waited, if they wanted to have more kids. It felt like they didn't fully consider the consequences of bringing babies into our home, and it tore Joey apart. Over the past year, I've contemplated resenting them for it. If they didn't have the girls, then maybe he wouldn't have felt the need to— To—"

Tears escape.

A few.

A lot.

Almost like a reflex, I whip open the center console and file out some tissues, shoving them into the grasp of his fingers. After, I fling my arms around his neck and pull him towards me, softly patting down his hair as he quietly cries into my neck.

My heart aches in my chest. I haven't experienced the majority of the ugliness in this world, but I'm not stupid. I just can't imagine the pain he feels.

And that makes this harder. How do I help him if I can hardly figure out the emotions running circles around his mind?

Please, Jason. Keep opening up like this.

Within the blink of an eye, he's pushing me away, rubbing his hands all over his face, messing up his hair. The sheer vulnerability that he is showing is unlike anything I've ever seen, or let anyone else see, before.

"We gotta drive. Can't be late."

"Fuck," I whisper, and quickly turn the engine on and tear out of his driveway.

We drive in silence for a few blocks. My mind bounces back and forth between ideas of elaborating with him more about his emotions, or changing the subject so that this drive is less tense and he doesn't have to go to school all depressed.

"I had a dream last night," I say, without really considering it. My eyes flicker to him, and he looks down with a single laugh.

"Did you now?"

"Yep." I nod, trying to affirm my stupid topic of conversation.

"What happened?"

"Well, you know Jack The Skeleton from The Nightmare Before Christmas?"

"Yeah."

"Well, I went to a concert where he was performing. Opera."

"What kind of fucking dream is that?"

"I don't like to think about the origins of my dreams too much. They're normally completely unrelated to anything on my mind in the current moment."

No comment.

"Do you dream very much? Or..." I trail off, but he understands.

"Not often anymore. If I do, it's flashes of that night, or like an alternate ending to it, you know?"

"Yeah."

We pull into the school parking lot, and I put the car in park, shutting it off. At the same time, we get out of the car and grab our belongings from the backseat. Side-by-side, the two of us walk onto campus.

"I hear apple juice helps," I offer. He stops walking.

"What?"

"Dreaming. I heard somewhere that apple juice helps you dream. I have no proof that it works, but I mean, it's worth a shot to have a cool dream once in awhile. Something different than bad memories."

The way his eyes flicker back and forth from mine keeps me nailed to where I'm standing. I feel like I am completely frozen; unable to move.

"Yeah, okay. I'll try that sometime."

All I can respond with is a smile.

"Have a good day, Lilla. I'll see you at lunch." He brings his hand up to brush my arm, rubbing his lips together; but just as fast as it happens, it's over and he's walking away.

"Have a good day!" I yell after him.

He doesn't turn around.