With Cassidy's not-so-great advice and my wild need to feel something other than sadness, I decided to throw a party.

Midterms were just around the corner, and as soon as they were over, I'd have a ridiculous amount of free time. With the weather getting even colder and the chances of snowstorms, it was perfect for staying indoors and hanging out.

Plus, planning out my party was a great distraction from actually studying. Yes, I needed to study. But I also hated doing so and occasionally needed a break.

The invite list was the hardest to create. Who did I even know? I would clearly invite Cassidy. I'd been texting Andrea pretty frequently since our conversation a few nights prior. She'd nearly immediately texted back, saying she'd love to help plan it. In a weird way, it wasn't just to celebrate the end of midterms; for us, it was a celebration of our union against David.

Didn't want to think about him, though.

Not worth my time.

I compartmentalized David into a tiny corner of my brain where I'd only take him out when I felt like torturing myself. Slowly, Andrea and I were putting together a case in a shared document. But only an hour at a time. No more. No less.

Throughout my entire economics exam, my thoughts kept drifting back to planning for the party. I scribbled in answer after answer, constantly sharping the number two pencil that I was forced to use, and trying to focus.

The next question was asking me something about inflation. Sure. Easy. I scribbled down a one word answer and moved on to the next number on the list. I was already halfway through.

What if David showed up to my party?

He would never. How could he even know? I was inviting a lot of people. Someone probably could just tell him and I'd never know.

I glanced over my shoulder and spotted him across the room. He was staring intently at his paper, eyebrows scrunched up. Then, he bent over and scribbled something down, oblivious to the fact that I was watching him. 

I returned my gaze to my own paper quickly as I noticed the professor eyeing me.

Whatever.

I could do this.

The rest of the test took me nearly an hour to complete. Once I'd circled the last answer, I nearly tripped running to the front so I could get back home.

I ended up stopping at the store to pick up some miscellaneous decorations for the party.

Shiny golden circles attached by a fine string. A bag filled with giant letters, despite me not having any idea what to write with them. A bunch of balloons.  Gold balloons specifically. Gold would look good with the light pink walls of our apartment's living room.

Just as I was walking up to the register, I heard a familiar voice.

"Are you coming next Saturday?" Jen asked. I heard the sound of a straw rubbing against plastic. Then a sharp sip. 

"Which one is this again?" Phoebe replied.

They had to be right around the corner, behind one of the long shelves. There was no one else in line but I pretended that I'd forgotten something and quickly moved away from the self-check out registers. The two of their voices were getting louder. I secluded myself in the book section of the store. Most of the book covers were designed to match what was popular thirty years ago.

I picked up the nearest book and flipped through the pages, engrossing myself. Just in case they decided to turn the wrong way and bump right into me.

They crept into view just above the edge of the book. Phoebe and Jen walked up to the self check out. Phoebe shoved something fluffy under the scanner as the two spoke.

"You know! The one on down the street from your apartment? I don't remember who's hosting it. I just know it's happening. They have posters everywhere," Jen explained.

Phoebe shrugged as the self check out machine beeped its approval for her item. "Sure. Is anyone else going?"

"Me, Cassidy, Dane, maybe Vee. I don't know, you can ask them." Jen twirled her plastic straw in her coffee cup, amplifying the squealing noise it made with every turn.

"Is Keira going to be there?"

I perked up immediately. The book in my hand almost slipped out of my grasp.

Jen lightly squeezed Phoebe's shoulder. I had trouble telling whether she knew what was going on or if she was merely a supportive friend. "I don't know. I'd ask Cassidy."

But she would not ask Cassidy. Cassidy was too close to me as friend. 

Phoebe shrugged. "Alright. Cool." She shoved the fluffy pillow she had just bought into her bag, making sure the edges of the fur didn't stick out. Face expressionless, she beelined for the door. Jen quickly followed at her heels.

I still had one more midterm, but I could already tell that next weekend would not be good.

___________________________

Saturday morning, I felt sick to my stomach.

After chugging down a strawberry smoothie, I struggled to stomach a few eggs. The texture was too slimy, and I'd oversalted them. I had to eat, though. I was starving, and my stomach let out a heavy pang as I stabbed the egg closest to me with my fork.

I heard Cassidy in the kitchen and knew it was coming before she'd spoken a word.

A soft knock on my door. Hesitant, but firm.

"Yeah?" I called out.

"Keira?" Cassidy asked.

"I'm here. What's up?" I asked. After a second of no response, I got up and opened the door myself. Cassidy was in her familiar hot pink linen sleeping pants and a white tank. 

"Oh good. What are you up to today?"

Nothing. I'd finished my midterms yesterday. I was just thinking about whether or not to actually host a party. Because I didn't want Phoebe to be there and for it to be awkward. Or maybe I did want Phoebe there. I just didn't want it to be awkward.

And clearly, Phoebe did not want to go to any party where I was there.

"Maybe reading a book. I'm not sure," I said.

"Oh cool. Wanna go to this party later tonight?"

Instinctively, I wanted to say no. I should have said no. But I did want to go. I wanted to hang out with Cassidy and Jen and Dane and... I don't know. And maybe Phoebe. Perhaps Phoebe.

"Sure."

______________________

The night was chilly and Cassidy already smelled like stale beer.

I barely knew where we were going, and nor did I care. I just wanted to be doing something. If I had stayed in my room, I would have been crying.

Regretfully, I pulled my wool coat closer to my body as another gust of wind blew against us. We stood outside of a brick building with large pillars in the front and a winding line out to the street. We'd made it to the top quarter of the line but it had already been almost an hour. And we couldn't seem to find anyone else from our group.

"This is ridiculous. You would think they would have planned for this," Cassidy complained as she rubbed on another layer of chapstick. Her eyes glowed in the dim light from the building, sparkling silver at the edges from the heavy makeup she had put on.

The crowd around was raucous as the doors slipped open again and another group of people rushed in. They swarmed the two college boys guarding the door. The two guys shouted at everyone, yelling as soon as someone slipped through the cracks. Was coming out here really any better than having stayed at home?

Because it wasn't just about Phoebe. I didn't really like parties like this anymore. David had ruined those for me. I was scared to see anyone. I was scared to get harassed. I didn't like the cheap beer and the pushing and shoving.

"Do you think this will be too crowded?" I asked Cassidy, clutching my purse closer to my side. Why had I even brought a purse? That was so stupid of me. Now where would I put it?

I wish I knew a single thing about this party other than that it was happening.

"Meh, it looks pretty normal. They're always crowded here. Don't ask me why. Honestly, the guys at this frat suck," Cassidy commented. "But it'll be fine. You'll be fine."

She side-eyed me and I felt a bit of the burden on my shoulders lift.

"Do you know if Phoebe is coming?" I asked.

Cassidy sighed a bit and looked back toward the  front of the line where another big group was pushing their way in through the double doors. "I know things are weird between you two right now. She is coming."

At least she was telling me the truth. But did that mean...?

Did that mean that Phoebe didn't know that I was going to be here?

That would make things so much worse. I would need to leave immediately.

"So, does she know?" I started, but Cassidy caught my drift immediately.

She nodded fervently. "Yes. And she does not mind." Then, Cassidy patted me softly on the shoulder. "It will be okay. You can do this. If you need me, I'm here. We can leave whenever."

We could go whenever.

Okay.

I would be okay. And I could just leave if I needed to.

And maybe I would leave before even seeing Phoebe.