I did not feel okay.

Cassidy had repeatedly reassured me that everything was going to be perfectly fine as the line in front of us shortened more and more by the minute. I'd only gotten more and more anxious. But once we made it inside, the music and the crowd overtook me.

I headed straight for the back of the room where there was a bar and a large crowd of people.

The building itself was pretty poorly designed for parties of this size. The front door led to an immediate lobby area with a pretty green carpet and a rack for holding people's coats. I never  bothered to bring mine. Too much risk for the heavy wool my mom had bought me three years prior.

It was clear this was where the hold up was . One of the frat brothers - a taller dude with buzzed hair and large biceps - was taking coats from people and hanging them up one by one. It was literally just him at the front of the line. Thankfully, Cassidy and I had been easily able to swerve past the chaos and into the party.

The goosebumps lining my skin disappeared almost immediately as the humidity from the body sweat and the building's heaters warmed me up. I could feel sweat prickle my forehead as we pushed through the crowd.  As we neared the bar, the long line almost deterred me.

"Should we even bother?" I muttered to Cassidy.

She just grabbed my elbow and weaved us through the throng that wasn't in line. A few people glared at us as we bumped into them.

An array of bottles were lined up on the counter above where the line formed. Clear vodka, followed by amber whiskey and then a few miscellaneous unlabeled bottles in bright colors. One was a bright red and nearly glowing in the room's flashing lights.

It seemed kind of stupid to have the alcohol just out on the counter like that, but a larger frat brother stood at the front of the line monitoring it. I still probably could have grabbed a bottle in time.

The wait was torture. From other partygoers cutting in line and stealing drinks meant for other people to constantly being pushed around by people wanting to dance. My frustration flared with every passing minute as more people cut in front of us and the line only got longer.

I didn't see Phoebe anywhere.

Cassidy and I started some small talk with another pair of girls in line behind us. I sort of stopped paying attention halfway through the conversation and let Cassidy take the reins. She expertly maneuvered the conversation away from me. I was beyond grateful, which I was sure she already knew.

I pulled my phone out as they continued chatting in front of me. One new message. At this time of night? Weird.

I scrolled to my text messages on my phone. I'd had it in do not disturb for the longest time and was immediately greeted with the familiar barrage of texts. I was so used to it at this point. Instincitually, I took a screenshot. Andrea would want this. We could add this to the document. It was already almost twenty pages long. Would anyone even bother to read it? It was therapeutic regardless, so who cared.

It just sucked feeling like what happened was so out of my control.

I went to the first message and decided to respond. From a random number. Hey, heard you were down to hang tonight. When r u free?

I crafted an easy response. I don't know who you are. You have the wrong number.

Then, I copy pasted it and started sending it to as many of the unknown numbers as I possibly could.

Finally, I came across the new message. Not from one of the random numbers as they were all blocked by my do not disturb. But someone from my contacts list. Someone who I truly had not been expecting to hear from at all.

Phoebe had texted me. Are you and Cassidy at the party?

I froze and Cassidy looked over at me mid-conversation. We moved another foot closer to the bar. I made eye contact with Cassidy. Then, I flipped my phone around so she could see it.

She nodded excitedly. I didn't know what that meant.

I texted back. Yes, Cassidy and I are waiting to get drinks. Very crowded.

Oh. I waited impatiently for another text. The bubble showed up, dot dot dot. It seemed to hover there forever, leaving me in an uncomfortable purgatory.

I'm with Jen. We're outside. Seems really crowded. I kind of want to leave. Jen doesn't. Phoebe sent all of these back-to-back, one text and then another. Each in a sporadic new line.

I wasn't shocked that Jen wanted to still go. Cassidy and Jen had that in common - they were truly willing to put up with anything for a party. I had never really been that way. I stayed until I no longer was enjoying myself. Lately, that had been happening earlier and earlier in the night.

Maybe that explained why Phoebe was texting me.

Are you going to leave? I texted back.

I want to, but I don't want to leave alone.

Was Phoebe already drunk?

She didn't like me right now. She was supposed to be mad at me. She couldn't actually mean she wanted to go hang out with me. There was no way. My heart rate kicked up a notch as I drafted a few different texts back before finally settling on one that seemed acceptable.

If you leave, I'm happy to join you. I didn't want to be in line much longer, anyway.

Let's do it.

_______________________

My heart was stuck in my throat as I exited the line and headed toward the front door of the frat. I didn't even mind all of the bodies banging in to me. I didn't mind the frat guy who got annoyed with me for getting in his way as I pushed my way out of the door.

I almost immediately spotted Phoebe about halfway back in the line that had only grown since Cassidy and I had made it in. Her hair had been braided back and she wore a dark maroon crop top that I hadn't seen her in before. It was a really nice color and I felt stupid in my barely thrown together outfit of jeans and a cropped jersey.

She waved at me from where she was in line.

"Hey," I said as I approached. "Is anyone else with you both or...?"

Jen just shrugged. "No, it's okay. I know Phoebe wants to leave. Cassidy is in there, yeah?" Jen's voice was difficult to hear over the sounds of chatter surrounding us.

"Yeah!" I shouted back.

"Okay, I'll be fine," Jen said.

Phoebe seemed a bit uncomfortable. "Are you sure? I feel bad ditching you."

Jen shook her head. "Don't feel bad. Just go."

Phoebe nodded curtly and led the way out of the line. I followed her closely behind. We weren't that far from our apartment. For the first minute or so of our walk, we didn't really say anything. And then...

"How did you hear about this party?" Phoebe asked.

"Cassidy just invited me."

"Yeah, I've never been here either. Jen invited me. It didn't seem fun."

Our conversation stayed on the party the entire walk to her apartment. And then we were inside the lobby, where it was once again warm. The place felt emptier than usual - I wondered if almost everyone was out tonight.

Once we made  it up to her room, I suddenly felt awkward and like I couldn't do anything. I paused on her threshold. What was I supposed to do?

"Um," I mumbled, completely lost for words.

She hovered in the doorway, one hand on the white wood, the other on her hip. "Want to play a board game? I feel like that could be a fun way to spend time. Right? Until Jen and Cassidy get back."

I nodded slowly. "I'd love to, but..."

The words I wanted to say hung in the air between us. I needed to say it. I needed to let them out and screw whatever came of it. Because I felt how I felt. I couldn't change that and saying nothing wouldn't make me feel any better.

"I'm sorry," I whispered. "I really am. I was being really really dumb."

She looked away and stared at the floor between us. A few strands of her curly hair had escaped her braid and hid her face. "I know you are. I'm sorry for not communicating how I felt either," she admitted. "And I do feel stupid, too. You were just living your life, I can't hold you accountable for that..." She trailed off.

"Maybe. But I wasn't being honest."

Her eyes lit up as her face turned up. Her lips pursed, grip tightening on the door's wood.

Sweat covered my palms as I rubbed it off on my dark jeans. I didn't know how to say the words, but they needed to come out. They couldn't just sit inside of me festering until I died with them. It wasn't worth it. I took a deep breath, and then I spoke.

"I care about you. And I want to be your girlfriend," I said.