Hindi ko alam kung bakit pero bigla akong kinabahan habang naghihintay ako sa elevator. Kung dahil ba 'to sa first time kong mag-travel nang mag-isa o dahil ba sa asungot na kasama ni Dan, hindi ako sigurado. Unconsciously, I held my breath as I rode the elevator to meet the two of them.

Naabutan kong paikot-ikot ng lakad si Jeremy pagbukas ng pintuan ng elevator. Since hindi niya agad ako napansin, I tried to hide behind one of the posts at doon ko narinig na pinagagalitan na siya ni Dan dahil sa ginagawa niya.

"Umayos ka nga! Para kang natataeng hindi mapakali. Pababa na si Ate. Ano ba'ng pinoproblema mo, ha?" tanong ni Dan, halatang naiinis na sa kinikilos ng kasama niya.

"Kinakabahan ako!" Napailing si Dan dahil sa naging sagot ni Jeremy.

"Ikaw pa talaga ang kakabahan? Mas kinakabahan ako para kay Ate. Bakit ba kasi nagpumilit ka pang sumama sa amin?" Dan questioned. Hindi ko nga rin alam kung bakit nagpumilit din ang isang 'to. Sabi ko naman sa kanya sasabihin ko kay Dan kapag may naisip na akong way para maging quits na kami, e! Bakit nga nangungulit na naman ang isang 'to?

"E kasi nga--" Hindi ko na pinatapos yung sinasabi ni Jeremy. I decided to come out from my hiding place and pretended not to hear any of the things that they have said. I tried to give out a natural smile but with how Dan was looking at me, I knew that I looked like a fool.

"Hi?" I awkwardly said. Jeremy, on the other hand, immediately stopped walking and looked at me. Alam kong masama ang maging feelingera pero bakit feeling ko, mukha siyang nabunutan ng tinik sa dibdib pagkakita niya sa akin?

"Finally! Malapit nang umusok ang sapatos nitong si Jeremy kakaikot dito. Hindi ko alam kung bakit hindi 'to mapakali. Hindi naman kayo magka-date," natatawang sabi ni Dan and I swear to God! Ang sama-sama agad ng tingin ni Jeremy sa kanya. I didn't want to assume things but with the way they were acting, parang may something that I couldn't really point out. Or maybe ayaw ko lang talagang aminin sa sarili ko yung possibility na 'yon.

"Sorry I had to go back to my room kasi. Naiwan ko pala yung powerbank ko," I lied. Good thing, pinaniwalaan na lang nila yung sinabi ko at hindi na sila nagtanong ng kung ano pa. Ang dyahe naman kasing sabihin na nag-eavesdrop pa ako sa pag-uusap nila kaya hindi agad ako nagpakita sa kanila, 'di ba?

"Okay lang, Ate. Si Jeremy lang naman talaga yung hindi na makapaghintay. Let's go?" Dan asked and I gave him a nod in reply. Sabay na kaming naglakad dalawa and when we looked back, nakatayo lang si Jeremy at tila ba tulala. Ano na naman ba'ng problema nito?

"Dan, okay lang ba 'yang kaibigan mo? He's freaking me out already," I couldn't help but ask Dan. Kanina pa kasi 'to, e. Sa airport, sa airplane, and now this.

"Huwag mo nang pansinin, Ate. Ganyan lang talaga 'yan." I did what Dan suggested but something felt wrong. May iba talaga akong kutob sa kanya. I was just now quite sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing. Hay, ewan. Yung pagkain na nga lang muna ang iisipin ko. Medyo gutom na ako!

True to what Dan said, ang dami nga nilang alam ni Jeremy na kainan around Shinjuku area. Before going to the restaurant that they suggested, itinuro na nila sa akin yung mga pwede kong puntahan. Well, more on the shopping side but I was game for it anyway. They also showed me the train stations na pwede kong puntahan to get around Tokyo. Even if they didn't ask kung ano ba ang nasa itinerary ko, I was glad that they still taught me where to go. Minsan pa naman, ang hina ko sa directions.

"And dito ka pupunta kung gusto mong bumili ng maraming ballpen. They have different brands, types, and colors. I'm sure you'll like it in here," turo ni Jeremy sa isang building. It looked fancy on the outside lalo na't ang naka-display pa sa mga window ay popular brands like Gucci. Because of that, I had second thoughts tuloy.

"Uhh, are you sure about that? Mukhang mamahalin diyan, e," I hesitantly said. Totoo naman kasi. Baka mamaya, yung ballpen na tinutukoy niya, isang libo pala ang isa. 'Di ko naman afford yung gano'n!

"Trust me on this one. Weird man ako sa paningin mo ngayon, but if there is something na dapat mong paniwalaan sa mga sasabihin ko, isa 'yon dito." Jeremy insisted. Then to my surprise, bigla niya akong hinatak papasok ng building.

"Hey, wait lang!" At that time, hindi ako sigurado kung para saan yung pagsabi ko ng wait lang. Kung para ba sa bigla naming pagpasok sa building o kung para ba sa bigla niyang paghawak sa kamay ko. Either way, I was still flustered because of it.

After riding the escalators for several times (that I actually lost count kung ilan ba talaga), huminto kami sa harap ng isang shop. Jeremy then released my hand, smiled at me, and urged me na pumasok sa shop. When I stepped inside the shop, I had to stop myself from squealing.

"Oh my god. Susuka na ako ng rainbow!" I may have said a little too loud. Kasi bago ko pa mabawi yung sinabi ko, I already heard Dan and Jeremy laughing. I then felt my cheeks heating up because of that.

Dahil ayaw ko namang mas dagdagan pa yung kahihiyan ko, iniwan ko na silang dalawa at nagsimula na akong mag-ikot sa shop. Inikot ko yung bawat sulok ng shop at wala pang limang minuto, ang dami ko na agad hawak sa kamay ko. A kind lady then gave me a basket pagkakita sa dami ng hawak ko.

Leche. Mas lalong mapaparami yung bibilhin ko nito, e. I told myself. Gusto ko na talagang pigilan ang sarili ko na dumampot pa ng mas maraming ballpen pero whenever I see a rare color or design, para bang automatic na umaangat yung kamay ko para ilagay yung pen na 'yon sa basket ko. Before I knew it, halos kalahati na yung laman nung basket.

"Shit, Ate. Seryoso bang ganyan karami yung bibilhin mo?" hindi makapaniwalang tanong ni Dan sa akin. He knew that I love pens ever since we were in college but he never saw me buying as much as these. Napatingin naman tuloy ulit ako sa basket ko, contemplating if I should return some of the pens or not. Magbabawas pa lang sana ako nung biglang hablutin ni Jeremy yung basket ko at nagdere-deretso siya ng lakad papunta sa cashier.

"What the--" Hindi ko na itinuloy yung sasabihin ko at sinundan ko na agad siya sa cashier. Kaso bago ko pa man siya pigilan sa kung ano man ang balak niya, naiabot na niya yung credit card niya.

"Oh my god. Bakit mo binayaran lahat?" tanong ko sa kanya. Kinailangan ko pang pigilan yung sarili ko na paluin siya dahil sa ginawa niya. Ayaw ko namang magmukhang feeling close bigla. Kaso shit. Sumasakit na yung ulo ko dahil sa kanya!

"Sorry gift. Thank you gift. Nice to meet you gift. Are those reasons enough already?" deretso niyang tanong sa akin. Hindi ko alam kung bakit pero hindi ko na nagawang sumagot sa kanya. Bago pa ako makapagreklamo ulit, I just found myself carrying a plastic bag full of pens.

***

Umiwas na muna kami sa mga shopping area dahil na rin sa suggestion ni Dan. According to him, ngayon lang daw niya nakitang gumastos nang ganoon si Jeremy. It was impulsive and abrupt. Usually raw kasi, ang tagal mag-decide ni Jeremy bago bumili ng isang gamit. As much as I wanted to know more about it and about him, isinantabi ko na lang muna dahil nakakaramdam na rin talaga ako ng gutom.

"We're here!" Dan declared pagkatapat namin sa isang maliit na restaurant. Agad naman silang pumasok ni Jeremy acting as if regular customers sila rito. I followed them inside and found them seating towards the end of the room.

Dahil magkatapat silang dalawa ng upuan, I didn't know kung kanino ba dapat ako tatabi. Dan must have felt my dilemma so siya na mismo yung tumayo at lumipat sa tabi ni Jeremy. Hindi ko alam kung nakabuti ba 'yon or not pero awkward pa rin pala kahit saan ako umupo. Now, I was facing Jeremy and with the way he's looking at me, mukhang hindi ako makakakain nang maayos nito.

"Bakit ang dami niyong in-order?" I asked kahit na may feeling naman na akong malakas silang kumaing dalawa.

"Ate, this is your first meal in Japan. So dapat matikman mo yung specialties nila," Dan answered then Jeremy nodded in agreement.

"But--"

"No buts, Ate.  Before you know it, naubos na natin 'to," Dan assured me and we started to dig in. From sushi to maki to tempura and ramen, we had them all. Tahimik lang kaming kumakain nung una pero Jeremy decided to break the ice.

"Not that I'm judging you or anything but why travel alone?" tanong niya sa akin bago siya sumubo ng isa pang ebi tempura.

"Cliche as it may seem, it's a part of my bucket list," I truthfully answered, but I decided not to give any more details.

"Ah. Akala ko soul searching din ang isasagot mo, e," biglang hirit niya. 

"Well, that too. I have some things that I needed to get away from. Traveling alone might finally give me that peace of mind that I'm looking for," I then explained to them. Totoo naman kasi. I needed to escape some things, or maybe someone.

"Kaso nanggulo naman kami ni Jeremy sa 'yo. Sorry, Ate," Dan stated kaya sinamaan na naman siya ng tingin ni Jeremy.

"Nah, it's okay. I'm actually glad that I didn't have to eat alone on my first meal here," I told him and smiled.

"Personal question lang. May boyfriend ka na ba?" pang-uusisa ni Jeremy. Buti na lang hindi ako umiinom at that time dahil kung hindi, baka naibuga ko na yung cola sa kanya.

"Wala?" I answered, unsure if I should tell them about Sir Mark or not.

"I smell a 'but' coming anytime soon," Jeremy said and ayun na nga. Napilitan na rin akong sabihin ang totoo.

"Well, may gustong manligaw but I don't know. I feel like it's too complicated for it to work."

"So hindi mo man lang bibigyan ng chance?" Dan asked and without even thinking much about it, sinagot ko na agad yung tanong niya.

"I told him that I wanted us to be friends first. He gave me this time to think things through. Then I saw a picture of him on Facebook. With a different girl. So maybe that's the end of the story?" naguguluhan kong sagot sa kanya. Hindi rin naman talaga kasi ako sure, pero there's this feeling na end of the line na nga talaga.

"Hindi mo man lang nilinaw kung sino 'yon? Malay mo, kaibigan o kamag-anak," Dan asked again and I really had to stop myself from laughing out loud. Sumagi na rin naman kasi sa isip ko 'yon kaso hindi talaga, e. When I finally composed myself, I answered his question.

"What for? He has his arm wrapped around that girl's shoulder. And he was smiling the way he did when he told me that he liked me."

"Ouch. Sorry, Ate," Dan apologized na siyang ikinailing ko. I mean, bakit siya pa yung nag-a-apologize? Hindi naman siya yung nanloko, e.

"Nah. No need for apologies. Besides, wala pa naman akong nai-invest masyado sa kanya. Kaya hindi rin lugi," I told him and smiled. It was as if gumaan bigla yung pakiramdam ko dahil sa pag-uusap namin na 'to. Ganoon lang pala kabilis mawala 'tong confusion sa utak ko. Sana noon ko pa pala ginawa.

"Maiba ako. Naniniwala ka ba sa love at first sight?" biglang tanong ni Jeremy kaya napatigil kami ni Dan sa pagkain.

"Depends. Why?" tanong ko pabalik sa kanya. Tinignan ko ulit siya and when our eyes met, he answered, "Ako kasi, oo. Sa tingin ko, I fell for you."