"i-i'm n-not sure about this," tyler stuttered nervously as he sat in the car, holding his husband's hand tightly.

"it'll be fun, baby," josh said, kissing tyler's cheek and squeezing his hand gently. "and if you want to go for whatever reason, tap my leg twice under the table and i'll make up some excuse for us to leave."

tyler inhaled shakily but nodded, not letting go of josh's hand.

"you don't have to say a word if you don't want," he said. "i'll do all the talking."

tyler gulped and nodded.

tonight was their first ever double date. they were going out to dinner with josh's friend dallon and his boyfriend.

joshua knew his husband was very introverted and that this would be hard for him, but tyler's therapist said he needs to get out more often and talk to people other than josh, jenna, brendon and ollie.

"let's go, baby. don't be nervous. dal and troye are really, really nice," josh promised, kissing tyler's lips one last time before getting out and opening tyler's door for him.

"you look stunning, by the way," josh grinned. tyler was in his usual skinny jeans and button up, but he really did look incredible. as he did all the time.

tyler just nodded, immediately gripping josh's hand tightly.

josh led him inside where they were seated, dallon and troye not being there just quite yet.

"let's go over what you're gonna say, ok? so they walk in and what do you do?"

"i say 'hi, i'm tyler, josh's husband.'"

josh nodded. "and what do you do if you get nervous?"

"hold your hand and remember the poem you wrote me."

"and what's the poem?"

"'i love you for all that you are, all that you have been, and all that you are yet to be.'"

josh smiled and nodded, squeezing his hand and kissing his forehead. "remember you can always excuse yourself to the bathroom if you need a break. and i'm right here, baby. i'm not going anywhere."

"o-ok," tyler said shakily.

"i love you. oh! here they come!"

tyler started to hyperventilate, but josh quickly wrapped his arm around his waist and ran his hand up and down his side soothingly, kissing his hair.

they'd gone through this too many times before.

and hopefully, tonight, it wouldn't be a panic attack.

"josh!" dallon grinned as they approached the table, troye following behind him.

"hey, dal!" josh smiled, getting up and shaking his friends hand followed by hugging him. he brought tyler up with him, holding his hand and running circles into the back of it with his thumb. "dallon, this is my husband, tyler, this is dallon."

"h-hi," tyler said quietly.

"hey, ty! i've heard so much about you," salon smiled. "this is my boyfriend, troye," he grinned, wrapping an arm around the smaller boy's shoulders.

"hey!" troye smiled.

"hey, i'm josh," joshua smiled, shaking troye's hand.

"i-i'm tyler, j-josh's husband," tyler said, forcing a smile and shaking troye's hand.

"wonderful to meet you both," troye smiled. "i'm gonna run to the restroom before we order."

and so the three sat down while troye left, tyler right next to his husband, hating that sitting in his lap would be 'socially unacceptable.'

"so, how have you two been?" dallon smiled.

"pretty amazing, i'd say," josh grinned down at his husband.

tyler nodded. "m-mhm."

"what about yourselves?"

"pretty, pretty good. i'm working now and troye's staying home, keeping everything in order."

then, troye returned, sitting across from tyler.

and this was when the dominants broke off into their own conversation, leaving tyler in his own with troye.

josh squeezed his hand as a silent 'you can do it and i love you.'

"s-so... w-what do you like t-to do?" tyler asked quietly.

troye smiled and shrugged. "i play piano and i sing. i love cooking and just getting to take care of dallon. i also do a lot of art. what about you?"

"i-i..." tyler started. he didn't really do much anymore without the ability to sing. "i-i write."

"oh! that's cool!" troye smiled. "what kind of things do you write about?"

"j-josh," he said.

"aww! so like... love poems?"

"y-yeah. i write them for him every morning."

"that's too sweet! i wish i had that kind of talent," troye said.

and so the night continued on just like that, dallon and josh chatting it up while tyler tried to be as not awkward as possible. troye really, really was very nice and he tried his best to make tyler feel comfortable, just it was pretty hard to do so.

tyler was desperately wanting to go, but he didn't want to interrupt josh's time with dallon. he hadn't seen him in a year.

though, he felt a panic attack coming on, and he immediately excused himself to the restroom.

he locked the door to the stall and started to hyperventilate again, except this time not calming down since joshua wasn't there.

he started scratching at his wrists, something he did whenever josh was gone while he was having an attack.

habit.

he just kept mumbling the poem over and over.

"i love you for all that you are. all that you have been. and all you are yet to become," he whispered to himself.

"i love you for all that you are. all that you have been. and all you are yet to become," he continued.

"i love you for all that you are. all that you have been. and all you are yet to become," he said again.

"joshua loves me, i am ok. joshua loves me, i am ok. joshua will not hurt me anymore, i am ok. joshua will not hurt me anymore, i am ok," he said quietly.

he buried his face in his hands before he looked at his watch.

shit.

he had already been gone too long.

so he forced himself to get up, compose himself, and return to hell.

josh smiled as he returned, planting a kiss on his cheek, not noticing a thing.

about an hour later, they were finished. they said their goodbyes and headed back to their cars.

"you did so amazing, baby," josh smiled as he helped his husband into the car. "so, so amazing."

tyler didn't say anything. instead, he just tugged at his sleeves to make sure the scratches were covered.

he knew josh hated when he did that.

"and now it's over. you did it, ty! you did it and you were amazing and i love you," josh smiled, kissing his cheek and starting to drive home.

***

once they got home, tyler immediately went upstairs.

he was acting strange, and josh picked up on it, just he assumed it was just him being so exhausted from everything that night.

he made his husband some peach tea before he went upstairs with the mug, handing it to his husband with a smile. "here you go, baby. two sugar cubes and lots of cream. just how you like it."

tyler nodded, taking tiny sips of the tea.

"what's wrong, baby?" josh sighed, stripping to his boxers before crawling into bed next to his husband.

"i-i had a-an attack i-in the b-bathroom," tyler said quietly.

"oh, baby..." josh sighed sadly, hugging his husband closely. "why didn't you tell me?"

"i-i didn't want to make you leave dallon earlier than you had to."

"you come first now, baby. remember? no more putting what i want before your wants, especially your needs. those days are over."

"o-ok."

"let me see your wrists, honey," josh said.

tyler quickly shook his head.

"please? i'm not mad, baby. i just wanna see how bad they are."

tyler still shook his head.

"baby, please? i won't be mad. promise."

tyler hesitated but slowly lifted his wrists up so josh could see them.

he inspected them, then, leaned down and kissed every single one of them gently.

tyler was expecting to be yelled at or hit.

but instead, he received love.

"i want you to tell me next time, ok? i need you to tell me next time."

"o-ok. i-i'm sorry. i-i'll be better," tyler said guiltily.

"you can't be better if you're already perfect," josh's said, kissing his husband's temple and hugging him tightly.

love, love, love.

that's all tyler would receive for the rest of tonight.

well, eternity, being honest.