[litos - czech in origin; that heartbreaking feeling, you know the one that feeling that rips you into pieces, when you unexpectedly see the person responsible for your heartbreak]

It had taken two weeks for Gemma to forgive Vera – it had taken one week for Gemma to speak to her, the other week was spent with Gemma (not-so) subtly pointing out that it was Vera's fault that everything had happened. Gemma's fight with Mitchell was Vera's fault. When Gemma got a horrible grade on one of her assignments, that was Vera's fault. When Gemma almost broke her ankle on a night out – guess what? Vera's fault.

Vera understood why she was being petty but at the back of Vera's mind, she was wondering whether it was worth it. Was the constant grovelling worth it? The constant tip-toeing around certain subjects just made Vera want to avoid her even more yet she couldn't say that because Gemma would just blame her again. She didn't even know why she tried so hard with the girl, since it completely exhausted her. Yet, she couldn't find it in herself to let go of her friendship with Gemma.

She had a lot of amazing memories with Gemma and they (almost!) outweighed the bad and painful memories she's shared with her. Most of the painful ones weren't even Gemma's fault - at least, that's how Vera rationalised it in her mind. Gemma just happened to be involved with them.

"I'm gonna go ring someone." Gemma announced suddenly, standing up from the table.

Vera nodded, and gave her a quick smile before returning on her music. The essay on her screen hadn't changed in the last thirty minutes that Vera had opened it up. The cursor was still in the same place and her fingers had simply been hovering over her keyboard, poised in the position for far too long.

She wasn't stuck – she was distracted. Her coffee had barely been touched and she was sure that it lacked warmth. Her mind wandered to the boy who had stolen her thoughts – or maybe she had willingly given them to him, who knew?

She shook her head free, gaining a few weird looks from the strangers in the café, and flexed her fingers as she began to type out her introduction. She didn't even complete her sentence before her mind started to wonder. She had replayed their date so many times in her heard, and she was sure that she could remember every little detail – from how his vein popped up on his curled fist as he was confronted by Mitchell to the way she tasted copper on his lips.

Vee. Your essay is way more important than him, she mused to herself, and once it's done, you can think about him all you want. It was easier said than done. The unfinished sentence on her screen looked less appealing to her as she struggled to form the ending of her sentence in her mind.

The tiny bell above the door rang, grabbing the attention of Vera and the other procrastinating students around her. Gemma stood there, looking frazzled as she made instant eye-contact with Vera. Vera narrowed her eyebrows, as she glanced down to the visible screen on Gemma's phone.

Gemma marched over to her table and yanked the chair from under the table. She sat down with such ferocity that Vera had to lean back slightly as she stared at her friend with shock and confusion (and a tiny bit of fear.) Gemma softened her expression as she opened her mouth and closed it again.

"Vee, I don't know how to say this..." She started, staring directly into her eyes.

Vera's heart sped up. Bad news was coming; she could feel it.

"What's happened?"

Gemma sighed loudly, catching the attention of the barista walking past their table.

"I think Leon's seeing someone."

Vera snorted. "What?"

Gemma carried on, as if Vera had said nothing. "I was on the phone with Mitchie, you know just asking him if he's got his suit for the ball – it's this really nice fitted black suit with a navy waistcoat. And you know the ball's like in this fancy hotel this time and since I didn't go last year and he did, I want us to look good y'know-"

"Gemma." Vera's tone was hard, as she gripped the edge of the table. "Get to the point."

Gemma made a face, "Alright, sheesh. Anyway, when I was on the phone, Leon walked past with this girl – they looked really cozy, y'know the whole faces pressed close together, arms wrapped 'round waists sorta thing."

Vera didn't know what to say. Her mind was empty. Suddenly, her body was on autopilot. She just got up, tucked her chair in, ignored Gemma's calls and chucked everything into her bag before walking out.

*

Vera's heart plummeted from her ribcage to the deepest pit of the earth as she watched him tuck her hair behind her ears. Suddenly, her hands struggled to contain the weight of her books and her broken heart and she could no longer keep them still. The earth kept going while she stayed, rooted to her position, her feet refusing to follow the garbled instructions that her brain sent out. Words were not making sense to her, no word could ever describe the hurt suddenly finding a way to weigh down on her shoulders.

Her knees buckled, struggling to survive the crash scene happening in her mind. Her hands instinctively reached out for support, for him to be there and tell her what she saw was a joke, that he forgot to tell her that he had an identical twin and he went to the same university, that she was in a dream and she needed to wake up. He wasn't there, he wasn't anywhere near here – he was still with her, still swept up in their new cloud of love and coupledom. He wasn't with Vera, he really wasn't with Vera. She watched as he bent down to whisper something in the girl's ear, making her giggle behind her hands, and Vera imagined whether the girl could feel his hot breath on her ear – and oh dear, could she hear Vera's heart shattering?

Could anyone hear Vera's heart begging to die, begging her to escape from the pain that had struck her entire system? Could Vera even notice that her soul had left her and left her with this empty shell of a human being? The pain clutched at her entire being, gripping onto it until Vera struggled to breathe – her world was no longer coloured, her world had dark clouds above her, her world no longer catered for easy breathing.

She was having a panic attack. The tight constriction of her chest happened while she was trying to find her grip on reality. She tried to take herself to her good place, the place where everything was good, the place where she could breathe, the place where things were easy, and enough to soothe her aching heart.

Her good place was on an overhead cliff facing a waterfall. She tried to imagine her sitting on top of the cliff, trying to ignore the constant pounding of her heart in her eardrums to focus on the water hitting the lake below. She really tried but the pounding was far too loud, overwhelming the imaginary bird sounds that she strained her ears to hear.

His head turned towards her suddenly, and she hid herself behind the nearest wall. She didn't know whether she even wanted to be seen. Did she really want to see his reaction – or even worse, his lack of a reaction? Despite knowing that she shouldn't, she popped her head around the corner to check if he was gone.

Luck had obviously forgotten to leave its two-week-notice for her and left her dangling, once again. He was still there. His arm had vanished off the girl's shoulder and Vera couldn't help but feel the rush of hope that flooded her, until she saw his hand on her waist instead.

Vera was going to be sick. She could feel the bile burning as it fought its way up her throat. She had to leave, yet her feet refused to move from its spot. Frozen. She willed the universe to give her a sign, anything that would jumpstart her body into thinking and feeling something else.

Then her phone rang.

The melody made her jump as she fished for her phone inside her bag. It almost slipped out of her hand as she struggled to balance her folders in one hand and her phone in the other.

Before Vera could even say hello, she heard the frantic screaming of her best friend in the background. Vicious threats were flying and Vera had to take the phone away from her ear before she could speak.

There was a large pause between the 'I'll-fucking-rip-him-a-new-one' and the 'don't-tell-me-to-calm-down' and Vera took her cue to speak.

"Blaire?" Her voice was steadier than she expected.

There were several gasps in the background before there was a mashup of 'oh-mi-gawd-are-you-okay' and 'will-you-just-let-me-speak' and 'this-is-my-goddamn-phone' thrown at Vera all at once.

"I'm fine, where are you?"

Lie. Vera was not fine. She wanted to crawl under a rock, in one of those underwater caves that she's always wanted to visit. She wanted to be somewhere where nobody would find her for a thousand years and civilisation had moved past Vera's heartbreak.

"Bullshit. Where are you?" Blaire's voice made it over the babble of angry voices. "Actually, you know what. We'll come find you."

Before Vera could part her lips to question Blaire, the call ended. She didn't know whether she should leave or stay and wait for them – hell, she didn't know if she could find the strength to walk back home.

Fuck it, she thought to herself as she shoved her phone into her bag. She was going to walk home. As Vera emerged from behind the wall, she was surprised on how easy it was to blend in with the crowd of travelling students. Nobody batted an eye as she navigated her way through the crowd. Her face was still wet from her tears and the wind did nothing except make her hair messy.

All she wanted to do was get home, change into comfy joggers and eat ice cream and brownies.

Oh, and sob her heart out.

__

[i had loads of ideas for this chapter but none of them were really working when i was writing it. just wanted to get it out there before i forget! 

 thank you for voting // reading - sorry it took so long too! university's busy and responsibilities and bleh]