[toska - russian in origin; refers to the deeper sense of a sad anguish, more of a melancholia - comes with this apparent dull ache in your soul]

"She's such a cow!" Blaire was pacing across Vera's university room, throwing her hands in the air dramatically.

Vera perched on the side of her own bed, feeling a wave of sadness wash over her, even in her own room. She felt exposed, bare for the world to see her disintegrating heart.

She couldn't find it in her to dig deep enough to find an excuse for her friend. The tears dripped slowly from her face to her sleeve, and the exhaustion in her body triumphed over the need to look appealing.

"The amount of disrespect she's shown you!" Blaire spat the words out, her lilac hair looking even brighter in the sun light.

Vera could only sniffle in response. She had been staring at the plastered wall for quite a long time, her mind not being to make sense of the patterns in the wall. Blaire was angry, she could hear it in the way that she'd a take few minutes to recollect her breath before fully ranting again.

"She stared right at you, while she wanted her stupid Mitchie to get her a waffle." She threw herself onto the bed, making Vera readjust her position. "How can you be so dependent on your boyfriend? Do you not have two legs to walk up to the counter yourself? Feminist's aren't suffering for this."

Vera's heart cried, it was no longer a sob in the silence, but now it became tearing up in the rain. It was nice to see him happy, she just wished that it was with her instead. As much as she didn't want to care, the fact was that she did. She had stopped lurking on his social media, for the hurt had attacked her so severely but she couldn't help but linger over his photo each time it appeared, before quickly scrolling on.

Moving on was hard. Moving on was even harder when his happiness was happening right in front of her. A few years ago, Vera found out that Mitchell was harbouring the same feelings towards her, even when she started liking him. Seeing herself getting replaced, let alone with her getting replaced with her best friend, was hard to swallow. Hearing how happy she made him from other people was bad enough, but since Gemma flung her love in front of her, she could not escape the chaos that her mind went through each time she saw them.

She could see the red string of fate tethered to each of their thumbs, and she felt as if she was simply holding the frayed end of the red string. She did not know where the other side of her string ended, but she no longer had hope that it was attached to someone else.

Of course, she had dated guys, here and there. If he could easily replace her, then so could she. Or so, she thought she could. Turns out that replacing someone with someone who is temporary, never goes to plan. Vera veered off dating for a while, noticing that the last guy she was with, thought it was better to start talking to another girl while they were together.

Sad thing was, that till this day, he and that girl are still together. Was she investing her time in the wrong people? Her brain tried to scan for similar patterns in the boys she went after, but she could find none.

"Vera, babe. Don't waste your tears on it." Blaire mumbled, wrapping her up in her arms.

Vera sniffled while she tried to stop crying. Blaire was right – her tears could do nothing to solve her situation. There no longer was a relief felt after her sobs, all that was left was a feeling of utter emptiness. She felt drained, like someone had just sucked her whole entire life out of her.

"No more moping. We're gonna drink our sorrows away. No AA meeting needed." Blaire threw herself at Vera's wardrobe, chucking various dresses on the bed.

Vera repositioned herself on the bed, stretching her legs out as she leaned on the headboard. She watched as her friend's lilac hair bounced as she held dresses to her body, and waited for a response.

"You don't have to ask anymore Blaire, mi casa es tu casa." Vera's voice was croaky, and it took a couple of attempts to clear her throat out.

"True, I'll have the party at mine since it's easier for everyone to get to."

Vera nodded. Her accommodation was situated a bit away from her university, but not that close to the nearest city centre. Vera loved how secluded it was but Gemma always found something to complain about it. 'It's so ...far!' She'd often say, with a bit of frustration in her tone.

"What time do you want me round? I'm assuming pre-drinks are happening when we're getting ready."

"Pre-drinks? I think it's really just getting myself accustomed to the situation." Blaire grinned, folding the dress over her arm.

Vera laughed, for what felt like the first time in a while. She often looked at her friend and thanked the skies above for having her in her life. Blaire was definitely one of a kind – her lilac hair wasn't the only thing that made her stand out in the crowd. She was tall – people often wondered whether she was a model in her past life. Everything she did was with a slender kind of grace – the type of grace to only come once in a lifetime.

Vera started to take off her shoes when she heard Blaire clear her throat. She paused as she met her friend's gaze.

"Do I look like I'm Gemma? I'm not about to leave you here to mope around and pretend you're okay when you're at mine. You're coming with me."

**

For someone who had only met her a year ago, Blaire knew her like she knew the route to her home, back in London. Blaire had accidentally taken Vera's notebook the first time they sat next to each other, Vera made a bad pun and Blaire made an even worse one, once they had met up. From then on, they were almost inseparable.

Vera's hands trembled as she applied the fake eyelashes to her friend's eyelids. After pressing them on, she fanned at her friend's face, hoping the glue would dry. She took a gulp of the crazy alcoholic concoction in her cup, wondering exactly how much vodka Blaire had mixed into her cup.

"I just have so much love to give, and it seems like nobody wants to take it." Vera mumbled into her cup.

Blaire was sprawled out on her bed, her phone in one hand and her drink in the other. Her phone vibrated, but she ignored it and stared at her friend.

"You are honestly one of the loveliest people in the whole entire planet. Seven billion people and counting and I still cannot believe that nobody has snatched you up! I mean, look at ya'! You're freaking gorgeous and you're funny and you take a lot more shit than you actually deserve."

"So how come nobody wants to have me? It's like once they have me, they realise that they want something else, and that something else isn't me."

"Stupid boys, making my best friend upset, not realising her beauty." Blaire's voice turned childish as she got up to hug her friend.

Vera swayed along with her best friend, staring at the floor-length mirror. Blaire's mirror had polaroid pictures completely decorating the frame of the mirror. Most pictures involved Vera and a couple of other friends, one picture did involve Gemma but her face is covered by the edge of another photo. Blaire wasn't kidding when she said that she wasn't the biggest fan of Gemma. Vera reached out and plucked the photo from the mirror, and stroked the picture.

Blaire was talking to someone on the phone, laughing and closing the bedroom door shut. Vera looked around Blaire's room, admiring the lilac fairy lights dangling from the roof. They crossed paths in the middle as they travelled to the opposite corners of the ceiling, then dangled from the corners to the floor.

Vera's toes felt the soft fur below her feet, wiggling her toes as she looked down at the picture once again. Vera and Blaire were sat on the floor with a peace sign, while a couple of their other friends were stood behind them. Rani, one of Vera's closest friends, did a handstand in the background – two seconds after that photo was taken, she fell over. Vera still remembered Rani's curses in Hindi as her long black hair sprawled over the grass.

Vera slipped on her flats, after hearing the sudden chatter in the common room. She took one last glance in the mirror. She had to admit, she looked good. The white bodycon dress hugged at her curves, with the cut-out shapes on her sides being the only revealing part of the dress. Her legs were smooth, coated with a layer of coconut oil. The gold statement necklace dangled on her chest as her tight curls sat above her shoulder.

Vera opened the door to see her friend, Rani talking to a couple of guys. In the corner of her eye, she could see a couple of guys check her out but she thought nothing of it. Rani did a double take when she realised that it was Vera.

"Vera! Oh my god, where have you been?"

"...I saw you yesterday, Rani."

Rani's eyes widened. "It feels like it's been a century. I have so much to tell you but first, let me introduce you to someone."

Rani dragged her before she could even open her mouth to reply to her. On the way, she was complimented on her outfit but she had no time to say thank you. Vera quickly waved to a couple of guys that she knew through mutual friends and sent a 'help-me!' look to Blaire. Blaire got her message and slyly slipped out of her conversation, and made her way to Vera's side.

"Vera, meet Leon." Rani's bangles caught the guy's attention and Vera's breath hitched.

Leon was gorgeous and Vera had wondered why she had never noticed him walking around her campus. A silver septum piercing hung on his nose and shimmered in the light as he smiled. The creases around his mouth became more prominent as he lifted his dark hand to shake her hand. Once he had a grip on her hand, he lifted it up to his lips and kissed it.

"Do you do that to all the girls you meet?" Vera wondered out loud, the alcohol obviously giving her a boost in her confidence.

He smirked, his dimple making an appearance from his beard. "Just the pretty ones."

Vera smiled, not knowing what to say to that. As they continued their conversation, Vera realised how much she got along with this guy. Leon had her laughing at nearly every sentence he said. She knew better than to get her expectations up – but she couldn't help the excited feeling growing in her stomach.

Someone tapped him on the shoulder, and whispered a couple of words to him. He turned back to Vera and wrapped himself around her, holding her close. His hands rested on the bottom of her back for a while until he really had to leave.

"Text me!" Vera called out, to which she got a thumbs up.

Rani ran up to her, not able to contain the excitement that flooded her body. Once she was in front of Vera, she started to bounce up and down on the balls of her toes. Her expression was expectant and Vera smiled in response.

"Doyoulikehim? Ibetyoudo! Iknewyouwould!" Rani's sentences came out rushed, as Vera tried to catch what she said.

"He's alright." Vera didn't want to reveal her true feelings, at least not for now. The fear of jinxing it overpowered the hope blossoming in her soul.

"Alright? Did I just hear you correctly? That guy is a walking angel, coming down to bless us mortals." Blaire's voice made Vera jump, the medallion on her choker jingled as Blaire passed Vera and Rani two cups.

"Isn't that a bit of an overstate-" Vera began her sentence once she had finished what was in her cup.

"Thank the Lord for his parent's genes because-" Blaire gushed.

"Okay, I get it. He's hot."

Blaire narrowed her eyes. The music changed before she could say anything, and her eyes widened in realisation. "I love this song!" Blaire dragged her two friends to the middle of the common room, where the speakers were.

A guy approached Vera while she was dancing with her friends. Blaire threw up a thumbs up behind him, and Vera nodded. She took the guy's hand as he led her away from her friends. She moved in sync with him as he turned her round, still managing to keep in beat with the music. The song seemed to last for another couple of minutes before ending. She smiled goodbye at the guy before walking away.

"Girl, you are on fire today!" Blaire's voice donned an American accent as she hissed once her finger hand made contact with her clothes.

Vera could do nothing but laugh, pushing her friend's shoulder playfully. She was about to pour another shot of vodka when someone grabbed onto the bottle and pushed it out of her reach. She furrowed her eyebrows, the alcohol making the room a bit dizzier than it was before.

"I think you've had enough."

Vera's eyebrows raised when she realised who was the source of the voice. Gemma stood before her, looking disappointed as she crossed her arms. Blaire stood to the side of Vera, rolling her eyes.

"What gives you the right to tell her what to do?" Blaire asked, crossing her arms.

Gemma looked at her. "I'm her best friend, and best friends look after each other."

"Since when? Do you even care about her? Or do you just care about her being there to hear about your constant shit about your precious Mitchie." Blaire's voice was starting to attract attention and Vera knew she had to do something to defuse the situation.

"Unlike you, who just allows her to whine and grind on any guy she even blinks at?" Gemma shouted, her finger poking into Blaire's chest.

Blaire caught her finger and bent it backwards, making Gemma wince reluctantly in pain. "At least I care about her happiness!"

She pushed both of them into Blaire's room, manoeuvring them between the maze of people. Once she was in the room, she closed the door and attempted to calm both of them down by separating them.

"What do you even mean by that? Of course I care about her!" Gemma raised her voice.

"Guys, can we just have a nice time?"

Blaire ignored her plea. "It doesn't seem like you do! It's all about Mitchie this, Mitchie that. Mate, if you haven't noticed, nobody gives a fuck."

Gemma looked shocked, and glanced from between Vera and Blaire. Her ponytail was falling apart but it was unlike Gemma to not care about the way she looked.

"Vera, are you not going to defend me?"

Vera paused. That pause was enough for Blaire to interject, "Why would she when you stole the guy that she liked?"

Gemma rolled her eyes. "That was four years ago! We sorted that out and what's it got to do with you anyway?"

Vera was getting tired of Gemma's disregard for her feelings. They had never sorted it out, Gemma had simply swept it under the rug and used it as a footstool whenever the issue became prominent.

"We never sorted it out." Vera mumbled, her voice monotone.

Gemma rolled her eyes, and Vera wondered whether it was possible for her eyes to get stuck in that position.

"What?"

Vera cleared her throat, looking at everywhere than in Gemma's eyes. "You just skipped over it, you never seemed to be apologetic for what you did."

"What I did? Are you actually being serious right now? It was four years ago. Get. Over. It." Gemma said through gritted teeth.

"How can I get over it when you never apologised? You just expected me to be okay with it and flaunted him in front of me. You never fucking cared, Gemma!"

"Oh, so this is jealousy? You're mad that I'm with him and you're not?"

Vera let out an audible groan. "Not everything is about you, Gemma! If you could just get your fucking head outta your arse, for once!"

"Get my head, out of my arse?" Gemma repeated her question, her words becoming ever-so high pitched.

"Well if you could get your head out of that pit, you'd be in my world where people don't just fuck people that their friends are interested in."

"Well, it looks like we're not friends now, so what difference does it make?" Gemma's voice became croaky as she made her way to the door.

"Typical Gemma. Can you quit your bitch fit, for just one second?"

Gemma turned around, her eyes dry. She reached out and slapped Vera around the face before storming out. The sting on her face echoed in her mind as she just tried to piece together what just happened.

_____

'ello! if you're interested in what a longer definition of toska is: vladimir nabokov, the author of lolita refers to it as a "longing with nothing to long for, a sick pining, a vague restlessness, mental throes." it's much deeper than a inner yearning you see, it's more of a longing that you feel is necessary to your being - whether it is a certain someone, a certain place or a memory.

just wanted to say merci for reading, and commenting and voting!