the floor had turned warm from the amount of time that i lay crying on it. jess's breathing was normal instead of its previous laboured state.
i couldn't listen to it anymore, not ever, because it made me feel so guilty, i ran into my room and buried myself into the bed. first the weight of me hitting him, and then my-

my parents.

what was mom going to think? when her baby never comes home? would she forget me from drowning in grief for her husband? would she have another baby and forget me?

i shifted and realized my pillow was wet from crying. i felt tired, but i wouldn't fall asleep. that was when the sobbing started. my body stayed to almost convulse. i tried to call jess but i was stuttering so badly i couldn't get anything out other than j.

all i remember is passing out for a few seconds.

except it wasn't a few seconds, and it was jess who woke me up.
i could hear him yelling from the kitchen.

"Y/N! WHERE ARE YOU?! YOU BETTER PRAY I DON'T FIND YOU!"

i scrunched lower into the covers, and waited for him to arrive. his heavy footsteps trudged around the house. he was probably still half awake.

"Y/N!"

i turned my face away from the door and felt my eyes burning. the door flew open and hit the wall with a loud thud. it hit the wall so hard that it left a hole where the handle hit.

i screamed and tried to get away but he ran straight for me and pinned me down while i struggled under him.
"YOU WILL NEVER DO THAT AGAIN! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?!"

he was almost choking me so i couldn't really speak. i just made strange coughing noises. he asked me again and i reached up with shaky hands and tried to pry off his fingers. he was very unrelenting. he kept yelling at me so i did the only thing I could think of.

i kissed him.

i fucking kissed him right then and there.

and i was terrified.

he shook my lips off of his and stared intently at me. "what are you doing?"
fresh tears started to fall from my eyes. "I-I'm sorry, j-j-j-jess. i-i got an-angry a-and i-" i was crying so hard that i was stuttering like some sort of freak.

realization seemed to dawn on his face and he cut me off.
"forget it. you were angry. it's fine."

"i-i'm so-"

he stopped me with a kiss.

"forget it. got that?" there was silence as we stared into each other's eyes before i started laughing. laughing with tears streaming down my cheeks. he started smiling as i pulled him down and kissed him again.

as we kissed, i felt anxious. i couldn't stand it anymore. i had to get out of here. away from him.

"what is it?" he asked as i pulled away.
"let's just- go somewhere. run away together if you want."  there was hope in my voice and a smile on my lips, praying that he would say yes.

"Im sorry, baby, but I can't. I don't want you to leave me."
I began to feel fresh tears threaten to fall, my stomach boiling with anger.
"Then at least let me call my mother to say goodbye, before I live out the rest of my days with you," I said in a shaky voice as I tried to conceal my anger.

"I just can't," he said sadly as he traced a finger down the side of my face.

"Then I can never be happy, jess."