Amani's POV

I am glad i came here. Although i shared nothing, i feel less alone and it is liberating.

Once the session is done, i shake hands with almost everyone and they smile before leaving until the room is left with only a few of us.

Sadiq puts his palm out, "My name is Abubakar Sadiq."

I smile and take his palm, "Amani Saad."

"Oh, i know you."

"No, you know the...old me." I begin to talk now that the meeting was over, it's ironic. "This version is a hundred times greater."

And we talk. Like...talk. For hours I don't keep track of until it was announced the building is to be closed.

Although Sadiq has always been matured with a stupendous mindset, i must admit this is a whole new version of excellence.

We begin to walk outside, me in front with smiles lifting our cheeks until i feel someone walk into me. It startles me and my phone almost falls but i hold unto it. And...my breath. I go to move forward but an arm wraps around my shoulders and pull me flush against a body.

This is no mistake.

My instinct is to shout even though i know it is Sadiq but his next words has my breathing calming for a second.

"Shh—let's move uh-like..."

"What is thi-what is wrong with you?" My tone implies he better start explaining so he leans into me and whispers;

"Don't panic, but you are stained."

"Oh my God." I do the opposite, Panic.

My hands fly from my chest to my back, between us to feel anything but he catches my arm and begins to push me forward.

"I said don't panic, let's get to somewhere private."

I turn around to find a few baffled gazes on us and i look away, clamming my sweaty palms together and nodding. I have no shame for my period, but I feel embarrassed about staining myself.

"Sh-don't look-it's fine." Once we are away from people, somewhere dim, he steps away from me and works his arms out of his jacket. "Here," he hands it and I don't hesitate to take it, wrapping it around me and turning.

"Does it show?"

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, very sure."

My shoulders soften. For some weird reason, i believe him and do not feel the need to check for confirmation. I am too comfortable with him and it is a bit creepy.

"The driver must hate you by now." He says as we begin to walk to the car in silence.

"He should hate nana, she insisted he wait."

"She is right, it's not safe out here."

Once i grasp the car door, he asks, "When are you leaving?"

It's no news i am only here for the holidays and my lips flatten, "Next week."

"Oh." The disappointment is visible on his face and tone. I feel the need to lighten it.

"But i'll be here for Sabrin's wedding." Me and Sabrin have apologized to each other, i overreacted and she didn't think things through.

"That's in six months."

My mouth twists in sour and so does his. I shrug, there is not much we can do.

"Can i ask you a favor?"

"I hope it's not marrying you?" I joke and he immediately laughs. It dies down and our eyes lock till our smiles fade and our gazes do the talking. He almost glows as i look at him, the stars, moon and street lights doing a terrible job lightening him. Under this creepy night, he is light.

"Can i call you?" I almost miss his whisper, my eyes narrowing back in concentration.

An answer leaves me before i process the question, "Yes." My heart and mind are in sync, acting without receiving a green light.

I see half of his face light higher with a smile but that is because by his right stands a streetlight.

"Okay, thank you for coming."

I don't know why he says it when i am the one benefitting but i nod, "You're welcome...and...this jacket is not coming back."

He feigns disappointment, "I know...i know."

Soon after that night my packing began, i am already two weeks late to resumption, this break is one of the best i had but that is what it is; a break. Life must continue.

I joined a meeting group in London and met people like me, reminding me it is not always perfection, it is progress. Baby steps.

***

Time does not heal all wounds. I have released the disingenuous idea that i must heal completely before i find happiness. No one can ever be healed completely, it is a lifelong journey.

In life, there will be things that will always hurt. I learnt that from my experience and from reading the book, How We Heal by Alexandra Elle. Losing my mother-hell, even losing my father will forever hurt- no amount of healing to that.

In fact, there is no healing to the loss of a loved one.

I spent a humongous amount of time believing i could heal from losing my mother and I finally emerged with the truth; i can only learn to smile at some memories, laugh at some and pray for her. But this hole in my heart? It'll always be here. She took half of me with her.

Everything does not happen for a reason. Dead the idea of believing in; Everything happens for a reason. It is impossible to make something out of my mother's death. It is simply something that happened and it is completely devastating.

I still can not comprehend how five years ago i sat and talked to my mum about immaterial things but could not see the death coming sooner. How could i not see the death coming?

I need my mother more in every step of my life as i go along. I miss her and no word explains how exactly it feels. But when i dive too deep, i take a step back by reminding myself of people who were born orphans, of people who never got to experience the love and warmth of a mother. I did, and although i realized too late and did not cherish her enough, i still carry myself with grace through this grief.

It is soothing to remember wherever she is, i am sure she is happy and at peace, away from this demonic world.

My semester passes fast, taking my mind off life like always. It is tiring but i am proud of myself, juggling things i find comfort and peace in doing has been my medication. Despite it, a few things are missing. I might have peace, but it is not the ultimate form and these are the days i begin to contemplate as i pack for my trip to Nigeria.

For Sabrin, I rescheduled my plan to restart my exploring journey again. I have only been to three new countries for the past four years and that needs to change, i am loaded enough and sponsored enough to begin again.

But for now, Sabrin.

I breathe in the scent of home, pushing away the hope that i would see my mother at the door and carried a smile throughout the day. And ultimately for the rest of the days until...