༻❁༺

It was unfathomable, hoping to avoid a conversation with the Duke, but Elizabeth knew having faith in the improbable would make these dire circumstances much more grave. Maybe it was due to the fear of having ruined everything. Maybe he would decide to end their engagement and she'd be back to square one.

All used to be well, but she just had to fall for the brightest star she could never reach.

With a deep breath, Elizabeth headed back to the church. She was beyond grateful for the hidden entrance as facing the judgmental stares from the ton was one of the things she hoped to avoid. Not to mention the scandal that Lady Whistledown would be reporting about. It seemed this day would give the columnist lots to gossip about.

Elizabeth reluctantly pushed through the wooden door. Sure enough, William was seated in the same spot. His head was inclined and his hands were interlocked as if he were in deep prayer. She hesitated in moving forward, but he felt her presence from a mile away.

"Before you try explaining yourself, can you answer just this one question?" William addressed her in a softer tone, but the deception in his eyes expressed the effect today's events had caused.

She nodded in response.

Standing up, William took a deep breath, his fingers tracing along the wooden base of the seats. He seemed afraid, as if reluctant to continue, but it was his necessity that made him push through.

In a low yet loud voice, he asked the question that has tormented her for so long. "Do you love the viscount?"

Elizabeth was afraid of answering. One wrong step and her family's future would be wrecked. She needed to ensure their security above all, but continuing with her lies would make matters worse.

"I have grown fond of him," she simply said, choosing her words wisely.

He swallowed hard, "Elizabeth, I have been honest from the very start about my feelings for you. I made my intentions clear from the first day, but I fear you have not been truthful like I believed."

She didn't know what to say, because quite frankly, he was right. She hadn't been honest with him or even confided in him about anything. If he were to be the man she would spend the rest of her life with, trusting her darkest secrets and fears should have happened, but she kept everything locked in a vault. Only Anthony knew, which would make everything worse if she were to reveal it.

"You have feelings for him," William stated, not an ounce of doubt in his voice. "I must admit, I suspected it, but I- I was too blinded by my love for you to believe you did not return my affections."

"I do care for you," she walked toward him and he allowed her to take his hand. "You have been incredible from the very start and I know I hurt you today. I hate myself for having been the cause of your pain-"

"No. You do not need to apologize," William caressed her cheek, taking in every bit of her warmth. "I was simply too late. Perhaps if we had met sooner, your feelings would have been there for me."

This felt like a goodbye, like an official end. While she was worried for her family, she was now worried for him as well. In all these months that she's known him, she grew to care for him and even if she can only view him as a friend, it would never change the fact that she would never forgive herself for having hurt him by not loving him like he deserved.

"You and the viscount should be together," he choked on the words, not wanting to let her go just yet. "If that is what you want, I will accept it."

"It does not matter anymore," Elizabeth remembered Anthony's words and how intent he was in continuing to marry Edwina if she accepted him. Despite their private encounter, their moment didn't matter to him, so why should she give everything up for something that can never occur?

William narrowed his eyes in confusion, "I thought you two would be wed by-"

"The viscount made a mistake in calling my name," she clarified, but saying the words hurt her more than anything. "If Edwina were to decide to continue with the wedding, he would gladly marry her, so know that nothing can occur between us."

"But is that what you want?"

Of course not. She wanted nothing more than to become Anthony's wife, but what they had was forbidden and meant to remain hidden away. A whole lot of pain was brought even when not being together. Imagine if they became more. The world would turn upside down and she, for one, refused to be the cause of it.

"I know I want something that is real," she began to explain. "What the viscount and I have, it is something that will fade as the seasons change. Like all scandals, it will become a distant memory. What you and I have will remain constant like the stars. This is... real."

William pondered on her words, afraid of saying the wrong thing and ruining what he's wanted for a very long time. "I want nothing more than to become your husband. I want to be the name you call in the day, in the night, in your dreams, everywhere. It is all I have been longing for, but I worry your affections will remain with the viscount."

Elizabeth shook her head, "The distance will bring you and I closer. We will be free to live our separate lives away in Edinburgh and move forward."

He stayed silent.

"But if that is not what you want, we can end this if you wish-"

"I do want this," William held her hands in a firmer hold. "I want you to become my duchess and for us to have as many children as you desire. But I am... afraid."

She understood him. If this were her, she wouldn't think twice in ending things. Being doubtful about your spouse's feelings was not a way to live, but William... he felt right.

"For us to work, you and the viscount need to settle what is between you," William didn't want her to be near Anthony, but he wanted them to have closure in order to be comfortable moving forward with their engagement. "If you still feel the same after your conversation, I will be more than happy to marry you."

As if she had swallowed stones, Elizabeth felt her heart pummel to the ground. She was grateful for his understanding, but it pained her even more to not return his feelings. He was the ideal man and anyone would be lucky to have his love, but the thing was, he wasn't the ideal man for her.

How awful of a person could she be?

__________________

The waters were calmer after an hour. It seemed reasonable to try and acquire a word with Edwina before having one last conversation with Anthony. She owed it to her to clarify everything that's transpired these past few months, especially after the scandal that became of a day meant to be a momentous occasion.

With trembling hands, Elizabeth knocked on the door. She gathered her thoughts, finding the perfect words to string into a cohesive sentence. She considered that perhaps she should have waited earlier instead of barging in right when the storm hit, but it was her fear of worsening everything and losing her that made her take the wrong path.

Now, she felt certain there could be a light at the end of the tunnel. If the Duke forgave her and was willing to continue, maybe Edwina would be the same.

The door opened, revealing a much calmer Edwina. "What?"

Elizabeth wondered if Kate or Lady Mary were present. The thought of it suddenly made her confidence vanish at the prospect of having more witnesses. "Is Kate or-"

"You seem to know it all," Edwina's voice was soft, but still held a mountain of resentment. "How could I possibly offer any insight on my own?"

Silence came in between them for a moment.

"Kate and mama are off getting some air," Edwina said, opening the door and heading back into her refuge.

Slow and unsettled steps were taken. Her hands fiddled nervously, causing her to interlock them instead. Once they were left alone, she figured being the first to break the silence needed to occur.

"Edwina, I never intended to hurt you. I thought I was doing the right thing in keeping this to myself," Elizabeth spoke slowly, as if the speed of her explanation could offer some alleviation. "You were so smitten with him that it seemed cruel to take your happiness away by admitting to something that could never be."

She scoffed lightly, "And instead, you were going to watch me marry him despite knowing his feelings were there for you. You truly have a twisted way in showing your affections."

"I should have told you everything," Elizabeth admitted, now understanding why everyone kept pressuring her to be honest. "But any possible feelings between the viscount and I do not matter. They were no match to my love for you."

Edwina took a deep breath, "He said his feelings were one sided. How you made it clear that your heart was with the Duke and how nothing but friendship could occur between you."

More lies from him.

How could he believe it would be the right thing to do?

"Is that the truth? Or did he lie to protect you?"

Elizabeth didn't see the use of denying anything anymore. The truth would set her free and in these circumstances, she didn't have the energy to continue offering anymore deception. "No, I once did have feelings for him, but it is not relevant anymore. All I care for is ensuring your happiness above all and you must know that I will do everything in my power to secure it."

"Including moving to Edinburgh?"

She nodded, "I wish to make things right. If I have to spend the rest of my life making it up to you, I will. My previous feelings for the viscount do not matter anymore. We can never have a future together, but you, Edwina, were meant to be viscountess."

Edwina breathed heavily as she gazed out the window, "The viscount said the same. I half expect to discover the two of you prepared it ahead of time."

Elizabeth hated when Anthony was right. While it pained her to settle in never being able to soar the skies with him, she knew this was for the better. Both were never meant to intertwine or walk hand in hand to the end. Such calamity was meant for the darkness and as much as she desired to find her light by his side, the love she has for her family outweighs it all.

"He is right," she said. "You deserve this."

"Why?" Edwina raised her voice, now moving closer to her. "Why me and why not you?"

"You remind me a lot of my sisters. Your naivety and hindrance has protected you the same way it protected them," Elizabeth admitted. "I never wanted to marry, but I needed to secure my family's well being above all. I took on the responsibility by joining the marriage mart and ensuring they are taken care of. I have lived for them, which is why I am doing this for you as well."

Edwina listened, remaining silent as millions of thoughts coursed through her head.

"You are my family, so I kept this as a way to protect you," she hoped Edwina would forgive her for everything, but something was telling her it would be harder than expected. "I am sure Kate must have told you about your family's affairs-"

"Indeed," Edwina agreed. "You both are the same in that manner. Choosing to sacrifice your happiness for the sake of others, but it is not something I should have been kept from. I am not a little girl anymore. I am a grown woman, Elizabeth, and for the first time in my life I am able to make a decision based on what I would like."

Elizabeth wondered what choice she would make. For a fleeting moment, she considered that perhaps a wedding would occur after all. But she knew it was unlikely. Edwina was smart and had dignity to not endure a loveless marriage.

"I have already imagined the life I would lead with Lord Bridgerton as viscountess at Aubrey Hall. It lives in my own mind, and it is mine to do with as I like," Edwina emphasized her words, her soft yet harsh tone reverberating throughout the room. "If I choose to marry Anthony, it will be because it pleases me and no one else. I understand you were trying to help me, but you cannot make my decisions for me, because you are not my family."

Not my family.

The gravity of her words pierced her heart like blazing knives. She knew she was right, but it hurt to hear it through an immense quantity of resentment and disdain. It was inevitable not receiving harsh treatment, but while she knew it was deserved, it still broke her either way.

"If I go through with this wedding, it will have nothing to do with you," Edwina pressed. "The agreement you and the viscount had, it would not be the reason for this success. It will be because of my decision."

Elizabeth nodded, "I understand."

Edwina walked away, but stopped shortly before exiting, "You should reconsider the choices you are making today. You still have time to do the right thing and not subject another to a deceiving marriage. But of course, it will be his decision as well."

And with that, she walked out, leaving Elizabeth to ponder on her next course of action as she contemplated on her previous choices.

__________________

It was agonizing waiting for the final decision to be made. In spite of needing to speak with Anthony, Elizabeth found it to be of no use considering everything was already told earlier, and nothing would change their paths.

Depending on Edwina's decision, no options were in their favor. All parties involved would suffer the consequences and be forced to live with their choices. The time was ticking, but no one was choosing to take a leap of faith.

Perhaps no one ever will.

Half an hour later, Elizabeth and Anthony received word from each other. Well, it was all a plan orchestrated by Edwina to get all three to share one final conversation before the revelation. Still, neither suspected it and were even delighted in knowing they were taking the first step.

If only they knew.

Anthony entered the church, gazing around as if admiring the structure, but it was all an attempt to prevent from thinking of his reason. It was wrong to continue dwelling on the improbable, but it was the secrecy of his thoughts that allowed him to soar into his deepest dreams. No one would know, so it seemed unreasonable not to call her name in silence.

He waited for her to come and like a gift from heaven, her footsteps and immediate warmth she emanated were nearing. Standing before him was his Elizabeth and if it weren't for being in a church, he would choose to break his honor and take her into his arms.

"You sent word for me?"

Elizabeth narrowed her eyes, confused at his question considering she received the same notice. "I thought you sent word for me."

Perplexity as well as disappointment consumed them. Once again, they felt foolish for having believed either would take the first step, especially after all the months of hiding. What remained a secret once will continue to remain a secret.

The rule of life, some might say.

Footsteps approaching them made them follow the sound, soon finding them to belong to Edwina. But something was different. There was a strange sense of serenity in her eyes, almost like she had found peace within herself.

"I have made my decision. I thought it best you hear it from me," Edwina interlocked her hands, her gaze switching between Elizabeth and Anthony before approaching him. "I cannot marry you, Lord Bridgerton. You cannot provide me with what it is that I want. What it is that I deserve. What everyone deserves."

Anthony wanted to be disappointed, but he was relieved. As much as he wished to fulfill his duty, it felt wrong to attempt to continue salvaging this situation. All of them were too involved and if he and Elizabeth were set on moving on from their feelings, being in each other's lives wouldn't be right.

Elizabeth was thinking the same. Now that there would be no connection between them, she and the Duke would be free to live their separate lives away from all the scandals. She knew it was improbable that her relationship with the Sharmas would return like it used to be. As much as it pained her, she understood and accepted it.

"I may not know exactly what true love feels like, but I certainly know what it is not," Edwina spoke firmly, one that displayed how much she had matured over the past months. "It is not deception, or wandering eyes, or a role to be fulfilled. I cannot marry you because I cannot betray myself. You will never meet my eyes in the same manner that you met Elizabeth's on that altar today. You will never call my name with the passion you called hers. You will never... you will never look at me the same way."

Elizabeth's breath hitched once Edwina faced her. She was proud of her for choosing herself, but despite being proud, she was afraid of what this meant for the future.

"You gave everything for your sisters and tried protecting me as well, but really, it was all an excuse to avoid facing your fear of loving and being loved," Edwina flipped through her pages like an open book, not needing to read her footnotes any longer. "You claimed this agreement was in the name of helping me, but you did it to help yourself. I did not ask for any of this, Elizabeth. I am capable of making my own choices, so know that my decision today won't be my loss, but my triumph. Not yours. Today, I have gained my power, and that is victory enough for me."

With one last look, Edwina left the pair alone and walked out of the church. After everything that occurred today, Elizabeth and Anthony were at a loss for words. Despite having tons to say, their ability to speak was taken, abandoning them into the hole they buried themselves in and refusing to liberate them.

"We should head back," Elizabeth finally said, not an ounce of her wanting to cross those doors just yet. She waited for him to look up, to say something, but he remained silent and glancing down, as if contemplating everything. "Anthony?"

His gaze softened at the sound of her voice, but standing before her and knowing they could never be together made this encounter much more painful. He wondered what occurred between her and William, hoping there would be a lack of engagement now with everything that he caused, but it was that same thought that made him loathe himself for thinking of him only and not on what she needed and wanted.

"I take it the Duke did not take everything well," he brought himself to say.

She sighed, shaking her head lightly, "On the contrary. He and I are still to be wed. He was understanding of our situation and even was willing to end things for the sake of us."

"He was?"

"Yes, but since we had declared that it'd be best for us to continue our separate ways, I suggested otherwise," Elizabeth noticed the dismay in his eyes, but unlike the previous times when it would have vexed her, she could only reciprocate his feelings.

Anthony nodded in response before saying, "It was- it was probably wiser."

"It was," she forced herself to agree.

"It pains me to say that I was wrong about him," Anthony glanced down, wishing to return to a time when he used to despise him. "He has honor after all and I am glad I did not ruin things for you."

Elizabeth refused to believe how anyone would want to subject themselves to a life by her side. "He is honorable, but why he wants to marry me, I will never understand."

"I do," Anthony said and she stared at him as if he were the most divine being to have graced this earth.

And he was.

"He will be the most fortunate to have you as his wife."

She lingered on his words for much longer, but it didn't matter if she loved hearing him speak of her this way. It vexed her that after everything, he still had the audacity to express himself as if he cared for her when it was far from it.

"You need to stop," Elizabeth averted her gaze to anything but him. "When you say these things, you make me believe in the unfathomable. You called my name at that altar today and were still intent on marrying Edwina. Not to mention what nearly occurred between us earlier. You- you need to stop."

Anthony remained silent and only continued listening to her. He understood where she was coming from and in a silent oath, he made the promise of keeping his feelings for her to himself. The thing was, it would be harder to maintain as every time he sees her, he loses all sense of reality.

"I apologize, but I must say, he and Edwina were braver and wiser than us both," Anthony changed the subject, hoping it would remedy the chaos. "They had the courage to act on what they sensed between us, and here we are, standing perfectly still... having felt it for months."

Moving closer, Elizabeth refused to maintain their distance any longer. Here in the church, they were alone with only the presence of God, which was the only reason as to why she was willing to offer this final farewell.

"Once we go and step a foot outside these doors, we will be forced into living our lives separately," she walked toward him and a part of her regretted getting closer as it meant being tempted to dive into her most obscure desires. "We will face the truth."

"Of our situation," Anthony declared.

"And of our failures and deception," Elizabeth breathed heavily as her hand pinched her arm, a way to ground herself and find respite. "This entire agreement failed just like our responsibilities and I- I will never forgive myself for having been the cause for this."

"I was the cause," Anthony came closer and reached for her hand. "You should not have to place this burden on yourself when we both share it. I know I have caused you so much trouble, but believe that it was unintentional."

She squeezed his hand, "I know."

A silence came in between them again. It was a time for everything repressed to escape beyond their walls, but they were afraid. What would happen after this? What would these next few days and years have entailed?

But it was that same thought that led them to move forward and make the choice to put themselves above anyone for once.

Elizabeth gazed down from his eyes all the way to his lips, seeking to have one taste of them at least once. She noticed him mirroring the same movements, which was the only reason as to why she chose to listen to her heart for once.

"What happens here will never cross these doors," she whispered.

Goosebumps trailed down his skin, the ardency of her words leaving him in a state of vulnerability. "Never."

Coming closer, she spoke against him, "Good."

Simultaneously, the remaining distance between them vanished. A haste and passionate kiss was created, expressing what words will never be able to. As if their movements were linked, they correlated as if having been tied with the same string. Their hands caressed the other, holding onto their bodies and memorizing every aspect before the end.

The world around them, the time, the place, the reason, everything was forgotten as all that mattered was them. For the first time in years, they made the choice of putting themselves first, and not even the consequences seemed to matter anymore.

Their souls were the same. No matter the circumstances or their different upbringings. His and hers were linked and forever intertwined.

Always and forever.

Together, they could be just Elizabeth and Anthony. They weren't the eldest siblings needing to care for their families. Together, they were free to be themselves and while they loved having acquired a taste of the forbidden, it pained them knowing it would be the only glimpse of heaven.

Elizabeth was the first to break away. Her heart was banging against her chest as her entire body radiated with desire. She caressed his cheek, taking in every bit of this moment before parting. "Goodbye, Anthony."

With one last look, Anthony watched as the bane of his existence and owner of his heart left his side. His hand reached out for hers as a way to prevent her departure, but only the ghost of her memory lingered, reminding him that the truth wouldn't always set you free, but instead, it would offer a sentence to perdition.

Author's Note

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