(Jungkook's POV)

Song Companion: Let You Go - Faime

—First Life, year 2026—

My former secretary was not the only one who was caught by surprise when the news of her transfer had spread out.

Later that day, Mr. Cho himself came by to my office. It was already at the end of the working hour so we decided to have a chat while sharing a bottle of scotch. He came to report the sudden change happening on his floor, noting how nervous and slightly tense my former secretary was when she came to see him. But he did commend her after she finally adjusted to the flow of work under the guidance of Mrs. Kwon.

"Pretty sure she will have it all figured out in no time by how she was quick to follow Mirae's instructions. You were right, she can really handle things pretty well under pressure," he told me, looking pleased that my recommendation fitted with his needs. All I gave him was a nod and a shrug that was meant to say 'I told you so', choosing to hide my relieved smile by raising my drink to my lips. But then I nearly choked when he teasingly added, "Are you sure you won't regret letting that sweet little thing go?"

I had to resist the urge to scoff. I covered it with a chuckle instead while shaking my head. "She does have good ethics at work, but she doesn't have the same outlook of things as I do. She will be missed on this floor, maybe more so with the other staffs who have been much closer to her than I have been."

My statement had him laughing. "I knew if there is anyone in this building who wouldn't fall for her charm then it would be you," he said, patting my back as he spoke. "I get it though. If I had such a beautiful and alluring wife such as yours, I wouldn't be looking at other women either. You're a lucky man, Jungkook."

My breath hitched for hearing what he just said. This time, I covered my flustered state by chugging on my drink and smiled. We continued to talk about the company and other things related to work, but my mind was no longer focused on the present and I was barely listening. Deep inside, fear came building up inside me as I started to wonder if I was running out of luck already, if I had already spoiled the one I treasured most and was letting it slip right out of my hands.

That day I came home early, with the hope that I could take my wife out for dinner. It had been a while since I had taken her out on a date. Even worse, it had been long since we spent any quality time just the two of us. I figured with one problem out of the way, I should start making amends sooner than later.

What better way to start by taking her to the restaurant where I had proposed to her years ago?

Arriving back at home, I noticed the silence welcoming me. I had checked the time and it was usually the perfect time when she finished her daily routines. I would usually find her either in the kitchen preparing for our dinner, or in the living room clearing out the tables from her belongings, since she had always enjoyed it working there most.

But as I walked into the quiet house, she was nowhere to be found.

"______?"

I called out to have no answers. It was then when I noticed that the lights had been left off. Glancing up the stairs, I wondered if she had fallen asleep. I remembered leaving the house when she was still deep in her sleep, and I had chosen not to wake her up the moment I noticed the exhaustion on her face.

However, that was not the only thing I had noticed lately.

She had always appeared tired and spent, either it was in the morning or at the end of the day. She was always sleeping when I found her or yawning even when she was doing something or working. I had even caught her flinch a few times while she was massaging her shoulders and her back when she didn't notice me watching as if there was a strain that remained there. Or even the times when she would be pressing her fingers on her temple, the old habit of hers that she always did whenever she had her headaches.

Had she been ill? Had she been to the doctor to see what was wrong? Or had she been taking a different medication? The latter came to my mind when I remembered how her body had always been reacting to new supplements and vitamins.

I had made a mental note to question her about it but never had a chance to. But I would make that chance to happen, to make sure to pay more attention to her health. I would even take her to the doctors myself as soon as possible.

While I dwell in my deep thoughts, I had made my way to the bedroom upstairs. The whole floor was even more hollow and dark compared to the main floor downstairs, that I suddenly felt like something was amiss.

Opening the bedroom door, I found the bed vacant, looking all neat and tidy as if nobody had been using it all day. The aching doubt and fear that had been haunting me for the past week and increasing for the rest of the day came to me stronger then when it dawned me.

She was not home.

She was still not home even when the night kept getting late.

The floor might have had marks of my footsteps for how I had been pacing back and forth waiting for her for hours. I had kept all the lights off, not bothering to turn anything on when my thoughts had been all over the place all at once.

Where the fuck is she? I kept asking myself. I felt worried at first when I could not find her, but as I failed to contact her after hours of waiting, all I started to feel was anger. Why must she be away just when I was planning to give this night for her? Am I not meant to fix things with her? To prove her that I would fight for this marriage with her?

And then my thoughts went to worse. What if something had happened to her? Once again, I began to worry, and the next thing I knew I was waiting for the dreadful phone call to let me know where my wife was. I prayed and prayed that it would never happen, and forced myself to think of all the possible places she might have been while trying my best to push all the negative thoughts away.

I kept waiting in silence, completely sober, wanting to make sure that I would have a clear mind just in case something did happen to her. I wanted to be alert and ready, but I also wanted to know if everything was alright. If she was alright and safe.

It was right after the clock turned past midnight when I finally heard the front door opening and closing. The noises came in as soft thuds, but the house was quiet enough to make the sound echoed against the walls. The noises made me perk up and breathe a sigh of relief when I heard her heels tapping on the marble floors.

But the relief was short-lived.

The more I listened to her movement, the more I realised how unsteady her footsteps were. She was even humming a song softly as she walked in the darkness, not noticing me sitting right across the room. Through the soft gleam coming from the lights outside the windows, I noticed her face, the small smile and the glaze in her eyes, and it was soon clear to me that she was, in fact, a bit tipsy.

What the hell? I cursed in my head with my fingers digging on the sofa I was sitting on. I have been wreaking my mind for hours worrying about her and she was out there getting drunk?

"Where have you been?" I finally spat out, no longer able to hold back my anger, startling her that she nearly jumped.

She turned around then, narrowing her eyes through the dark before she found me. "Jungkook, why are you here?" She asked me, frowning and looking surprised to actually find me waiting for her. If only I was not in the middle of holding back my rage, I would have found it ironic.

It was usually her who would be waiting for my return.

Is this how she usually feels when she finds me coming home so late and drunk? Does she feel the same hurt as I am feeling?

I kept gritting my teeth, holding back from lashing out on her, yet she kept giggling as she was answering my questions. "Are you drunk?" The question that left my lips was far from what I actually wanted to ask her. How drunk was she really? How much had she drunk? And with who? I was starting to feel jealousy taking over when she answered me,

"I'm, uh—" a giggle escaped her lips then, before she covered them with a soft cough. "Uh—I think I am? I'm sorry, I tried my best to not drink so much but Yoongi just wouldn't stop getting me more refills."

Yoongi.

The minute his name came out of her lips, I felt chill running down my spine.

"You were with Yoongi?" My whole body fell frozen in place. She had been with Yoongi, drinking for hours. What did they talk about? Were they talking about me when he was with her? What would he have said to her—

Then the memory of meeting Yoongi at the bar with Lena in my arms came back to me and my heart came to halt. The thought that he might have said something about her to my wife left me choking on my breath and I stuttered, "So it was only the two of you, or—"

"Yes, just me and Yoongi," she said, with venom lathering her voice, making me feel even colder and everything came spinning around me. She looked deep into my eyes, fighting the darkness as much as she could and left me wondering if she could read the fear in my eyes. "We went out to discuss some project we were working on, and—"

"Over drinks?" I cut her off, not bothering to add and ask—

Did you talk about anything else?

Somehow, her lips curled to a smirk, then she suddenly became more brazen when she goaded at me, "Yes, with beer and some whiskey on his side, a little vodka on mine. It was fun."

I opened my mouth but found nothing to say. What was I supposed to say to that? My mind was still stuck on the thought of Yoongi being with her all night. Of all the secrets Yoongi could have spill to her while she was at his will.

"Why are you up at this hour, Jungkook? Were you waiting for me?"

"I—" Her question made me flustered that I could only give her the only thing I could think of to cover my sorry ass. "What were you thinking going out until so late with another man? You're my wife! I—yes, of course, I waited for you. Why didn't you at least tell me about it?"

Then she laughed. Right at my face. Catching me completely off guard.

"Why are you laughing? God, are you really that drunk?"

Shaking her head, she slowly calmed down. "No—I'm not that drunk. I'm only amused. Jeon Jungkook finally remembers who I am," she tauntingly said with her dark gaze looking deep into mine and her words still covered in venom. The look on her face and her words felt like a slap to my face. What does that suppose to mean?

"I did leave you a message on your phone, am I not such a good wife enough? I even invited you to join us if you wanted to. Perhaps you were too busy paying attention to something—or someone else? But that's okay, I'm used to being ignored by you. At least I get to see my husband waiting for me until so late at night, just like I always do for him—every single night he was away."

Once again, I was lost for words. The first for being reminded of the fact that I knew so well, the fact that I had made her wait for me every single night. Being on the other side of it tonight, I finally found out what she might have been feeling when she did. Worried for not knowing where I was and if I was safe. Scared of having to wait by the phone the whole time just in case there was any news about me. Relief of knowing that I was home safe, the feeling that could not be embraced because seeing me drunk left her constantly disappointed.

Then she reminded me of my phone. The phone that I had turned off after all the effort of contacting her led to failure, all because instead of getting news from her, I was bombarded by hateful messages sent by Lena. All the vile words she was sending me all night had risen my anger, something that was distracting me from focusing on my wife.

I looked away from her and moved around, hiding the turmoil that was happening in my mind. "Is that was it's all about? So are you doing this as payback, then?"

"Oh, no—No, absolutely not. I'm not some petty little child, Jungkook," she said to me while shaking her head and laughing bitterly. "I told you, I lost track of time. We were working, and then we had too much fun. Won't you forgive me?"

I stopped moving then, trying to calm myself when she suddenly reached forward to touch me, her palms pressing on my chest. I had no idea what came to me then, but I pushed her hands away out of instinct, as if her touches had torched me.

"Stop this, you are drunk," I said, unexpectedly sounding too harsh and too abrupt which I instantly regretted once I saw the pained look in her eyes.

"Is it really because I am drunk, or you just don't want to touch me anymore?"

Her voice was soft and broken, and the words she said was enough to make me stop. My breath hitched in pain when I realised what she had been thinking and I could not look away from her.

"Why can't you just admit it? There is someone else who had caught your attention, isn't there, Jungkook? If not, am I not worth it to be touched by my own husband?"

If I had felt chill before, this time I felt like I was drowned in ice. Everything I feared for actually came true. My voice was caught in my throat and I could only look at her with wide eyes. Did Yoongi really did say something to her? Did she know? Or was Yoongi right, that she had noticed all along?

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

"What nonsense are you saying? If you are accusing me of anything, just say it!" I spat out, unable to control my anger when the fear of her revealing the truth of my sin came over me. "Go ahead, and say it! I guess that alcohol you've been drinking all night is making you so full of yourself. Or perhaps it was Yoongi who filled you up with lies?"

Tell me what he had told you. Please. Please tell me how much of it that you knew.

"Wha—Stop putting all the blame at Yoongi! He is my friend, and at least he listens to me, unlike my dear husband that won't even look at me no matter how often he claims me as his wife!"

I gritted my teeth and clenched my fists. Her words were a huge slap of reality to my face, one which I felt so strongly that my chest got even tighter and my face grew hot.

"You know, it's been you that keeps accusing me of things I have never done, and for so many years you have so little faith in me when all I've been doing is try my best to put you first. When all I've been doing is fight for our marriage!"

"Fight? What kind of fight are you doing by going out with another man until past midnight and coming home drunk, huh?"

There it was again, my big mouth spitting all the wrong hurtful words to her only because I could not control myself. This was the reason why I had always stayed away from her when I had no control over my emotions. Why I had chosen to put my anger to another place, to another person, because putting my anger on her killed me, just as much as I knew how much everything I said to her would hurt her deeply.

I took a deep breath and prepared to reel back, to apologise for my wrong outburst, only to have her beating me up to it.

"What fight, you say? I spent every night waiting for you to come home without giving you any question. I stayed at home, every day, gave up what I wanted and did anything you asked me of—all for you! All for us! And you dare ask me what fight that I do?"

It was another slap to my face, reminding me of how hard she had been fighting for me when all I ever did was try to run away.

"I did one mistake tonight, Jungkook. One! And you just throw everything I have done all this time down the drain so easily just for this?"

"What do you want, then, huh? Should I give you a fucking award for it?" No, please, stop. Just shut up. You're hurting her more, I tried to stop myself but I kept failing to do so. Every word I gave her kept spilling out with no control. I watched her flinch at my anger, then I watched her shaking her head again with the pained look in her eyes that made me want to slap my own face.

"What I want is for you to treat me as your goddamn wife! Not some trash or property you keep inside your house just to make it look nice! And for you to stop blaming me for everything! Every single bad thing that is happening to you!"

Her words were a huge stab to my chest. What have I done? How much have I hurt her? I said nothing only because I would say all the wrong things if only I had let myself speak. And only because I knew I deserved every blow she was giving me as she kept voicing out all the truth, all her feelings, everything she had kept to herself for a long time.

"I just don't understand why you are always so angry at me—at everything I do? What have I done so wrong to deserve your hate, Jungkook?"

I still stayed silent and turned away, not knowing how to answer. Every single pain she voiced out had broken me even deeper. I have ruined things so badly already I no longer had any clue if I could still fix things. I felt completely defeated and powerless as I realised that everything we had was falling apart. Perhaps they have been and I was just too blind to notice that I was the one who had made it all happen.

"What mistake have I done so terribly that you hate me so much, Jungkook? It is because I can't bear a child?"

No.

"Is that why? Are you punishing me since you are blaming me for it?"

No, it's not that. It's not you.

"Don't talk about that—don't you dare bring that up, this is about what you've done tonight," I tried to make her stop talking, I tried to stop her from bringing it up.

"No, this isn't about that. Whatever I do, you will only find other things, as little as they may be, and you will certainly use it against me to put me down. And you know what? I've had enough of it! So don't you dare deny my question."

I heard her coming closer, but my head was filled with the sound of my heart beating faster. I knew where this was heading to and I had no power to stop it. Or perhaps I did nothing because I was expecting her to talk about it.

"We could've had a child already, you know that. If only it didn't happen. If only—"

I turned around to face her, to make her stop. But as always, the words came out of me wrong.

"What? Are you going to put the blame on me now? Is that it?"

"Then what, Jungkook? Was it also my fault that I lost our child? Was I the only one to blame for it to happen?" She was seething, but it was her tears that had me nearly crumbling down. I was also angry, I was mad, more to myself than I did to her. "Fine, if that's what you want. Blame me, like you always do when everything falls apart, when things don't go your way. Just say it and get it over with!"

No, it was never your fault. Please stop.

"I'm not gonna stay and take all of this," I said to her while I started to walk away. I could not take it any longer. I could not hold back this pain any longer and I knew I had to get away before I took it all on her.

"Then go, walk away! Just like you always do. Walk away and leave as if the problem will disappear and fix itself once you ignore it and act like it doesn't exist. Like I don't exist."

"Stop—"

"No, you know what? Just go ahead and walk. Just go, and hide away from everything!" she kept shouting at me, while I kept fighting the tears that were threatening to come flowing down. "Just remember that one of these days I won't be here when you come back to hold you and tell you that everything is okay. Because things are not okay, and you just have to deal with it!"

Those were the words that had me pushed over to the edge. My whole body had been shaking, but I was on the verge of falling apart already that I began to panic. I could not lose her, my mind kept screaming for me to make sure that I would not let her go. That was when I turned back around, reached for her with the desperate need to hold her to me with my hands holding her arms tightly in place. I looked at her straight in the eyes when I voiced out my promise, "You are mine, and you are not going anywhere. Never! I will never let you!"

The fear in her eyes would forever haunt me. But what haunted me most was the feeling I had as if she was already slipping out of my grip. That I was already losing her.

That night, I had another dream of losing her when I fell asleep. Except that this time, she was not falling into the dark. She was walking away from me with a broken smile.

—First Life. Jeon Residence, year 2026. Days after—

The first thing that woke me up was the insane pounding going on inside my head.

I could have sworn that my head was about to explode and I should cuss if I could. But everything was so hazy that I could not think straight. I could feel myself spinning around as if I was floating from the ground even with my eyes still closed shut.

The warmth and the cold sheet were the next few things I sensed after I started to gain more consciousness. And that was before I noticed that I was completely naked. The fabric of the sheets around me grazing on my bare skin, letting me know that there was nothing else covering my body.

The more I focused on my senses, I could feel the other part of the bed where I was lying in submerged, letting me know that I was not alone.

What the fuck?

Where am I?

My messed up mind be damned, for everything was so fucking clouded that I could not for the life of me remember what exactly happened last night. I knew it was already early in the morning by the warmth flowing in the air. And I knew that I had probably fucked up.

Again.

My eyes were still too heavy for me to open. But I was silently grateful for it. Because it gave me that extra time to try to push away the pain in my head, to brush through the fog in my mind, and give me time to brace myself before I was forced to open them and find myself stuck in another mistake that I would never be able to fix.

One fuck up was enough. And it was one too many already after what I had done in the past.

Please don't let this be another mistake, I begged and begged as I took a deep breath, calming my rage and the fear I had building inside me when I vaguely remembered a part of last night.

I was surely drunk, after spending a few hours at the bar with my co-workers to celebrate something. A birthday, or a similar celebration that had rounds of drinks to be shared. And then nothing. Please not let this be another one of your stupid ass getting in trouble, I begged with my hands clenching on the sheets beneath me, dreading the way my brain was failing to help me remember.

But as I took that deep breath, I was instantly swamped with relief. Because it was her scent that I caught on immediately. Her. Her shampoo, her perfume, the familiar scent of candles she had always set and light up when she needed to relax.

All hers.

My wife.

I breathe a long, relieved sigh before I opened my eyes. My heartbeat was palpitating like crazy as I hoped that my suspicions were true. And dear God, I nearly cried when I finally open my heavy eyelids to find her there. Sleeping beside me, her body lying on her side and curling under the thin blanket facing me. And she was just as naked as I was.

As I blinked away the sleep hanging on my eyelids, I wiped away the haze covering my sight to take in her feature. She looked so peaceful as she was still deep in sleep. Her face looked so calm, without any creases appearing between her brows. Her usual curious and tired eyes were closed shut. And she was smiling in her sleep.

I watched her as her chest raised and fell for each breath she took. Her hand lying on my bare chest and her body so close to me, allowing me to see the wedding band wrapped around her finger, glowing under the light. I had never seen her take it off. Ever. I had to be honest, that it was the one thing that kept me breathing, despite the burden I was keeping inside my heart. The pain I had endured for her.

Holding my gaze on her sleeping figure, the memories of last night started to come back to me.

I was definitely drunk. And I had come home late, finding her waiting for me in the living room. I remembered her rising from her seat when she saw me stumbling on my clumsy legs. Her eyes were filled with worries, but she caught me from falling, before supporting me as I walked towards the bed.

Our bed.

And then I remembered the kiss.

I could not remember what I had said to her, but I remembered the sight of her face being so close to me when she took off my clothes. When she tried to help me change into a more comfortable set of clothes to sleep in with and helped me prepare for bed. But I stopped her and caught her with my hands. My palms were shaking when I cupped her face and her eyes were wide when she had never expected to have me reaching out to her.

Hell, of course, I caught her by surprise. Because I have been avoiding her for so damn long. Creating distance between her and me, no matter what she had done and no matter how hard she had been trying to hold this marriage together. All because of my fear, and the dreadful guilt that had been haunting me.

It was such a desperate moment when I pulled her close and kissed her like never before. Breathing her in, feeling her, tasting her, revelling in her presence that had made me feel as if I was being brought back to life. And then I pulled her to the bed, when I was so desperate to touch her, to feel her, to make her love me like she used to. To show myself that everything was alright, that we were not falling apart.

I closed my eyes when the image of us making love last night came to me like parts of a movie and I was watching from afar. Yet every part of my body remembered it like everything had been engraved deep in my skin. The feeling of her skin, the warmth of her body on mine was still the same. The gentle touch she gave me was still able to ignite that fire inside my heart that it knocked my entire soul like a live wire. Her kisses still burned me alive, drowning me in the bliss that made me believe that love truly existed in this damn, fucked up world. And she made me breathe so easily, so alive when she looked at me with those eyes that were flooding with joy, pleasure, and relief when she reached her climax.

My heart started beating faster and my chest felt like it was on fire when I remembered our lovemaking from last night. How being inside her felt like heaven. Or perhaps much more. My whole body shuddered to the memory of me being inside her, reminding me of the reason why I fell in love with her and why making love to her was everything to me. It reminded me why I had always known that I could never survive without her in my life.

The way we fit together like gloves when we became one. The way her muscles rippled and squeezed me so tightly as I pounded inside her that I had to do my all not to come and crumble the moment I entered her. The way she held on me so tightly and called for my name when she let go and embraced her climax that came to her for countless times.

She was perfect.

We were perfect.

And once, I remembered from the past, there was a time when I felt like I was perfect for her.

My breath came out shaky when I opened my eyes again, wanting to look at her again. For whenever she was sleeping, she became such a sight to take in completely.

I always loved watching her, staring at her face and her eyes for they always spoke louder than her mind, unable to hide anything that she felt no matter how hard she tried to hide them from me. That was the reason why I loved her.

And it was also the reason why I had to avoid her.

Because I could never look at her without catching her pain emitting from her eyes as she held her gaze on me. That sight would always break me into pieces when I knew how much of a bastard I was for breaking her apart. And I could not bear to see those pain emitting from her eyes, when I knew I was the one who put them there. I was the one responsible for all the hurt, all the sadness, and for her broken heart. And every time I looked at her and read them through her gaze, they only made me hate myself even more for breaking her apart.

All because she loved me.

And it broke me so damn much because I loved her, and I had no idea how to fix all the mess I had made in the past. I had no idea how to fix her.

My mind took me back to last night, when I looked into her eyes and all I saw then was love. That the eyes that were staring back at me were the same pair that I had not seen for a while since the first years of our marriage. And that was when I crumbled.

I came when she called my name with those loving eyes. And I cried like a baby with my face buried on her shoulder. Filling her with my seed and coating her with my emotion when I reached my climax.

I was that vulnerable. So damn weak that I was ashamed of myself.

But she never pushed me away.

Instead, she cradled me in her arms, held me close until I stopped crying and she calmed me down with her fingers threading my hair. She was much stronger than I would ever be. Another reason why I kept feeling like a failure, when I kept breaking her apart and all I had ever done was to break her even more even when I tried to fix things up.

She was always the stronger one. And that was the reason when throughout the years we were trying to conceive, when all the long and desperate lovemaking, the scheduled sex and the continuous doctor visits still failed to give us the child we wanted, I had taken all the blame on her. Because I could not face being a failure. Because I was not strong enough to take the blame.

And I was even more ashamed when I remembered the one secret I was still keeping inside me. That one fucked up mistake that would be the most unforgivable of all, because she had forgiven me for too many times before. It was eating me up inside knowing that she would never forgive me again for this one dark secret of mine.

I was still lost in my own thoughts when she stirred in her sleep and started to wake up. My eyes snapped open to meet her eyes as they were fluttering open.

Taking a deep breath, I braced myself to prepare for the sight in her eyes that had become too familiar to my heart. The look filled with her pain and sadness, the burdens she was carrying because of me.

But I was swamped with another relief when she opened those eyes, finding me there lying next to her and facing her as I waited for her to react first. And then she smiled. The look in her eyes showed me nothing else but love as she gave me that beautiful smile, the same one she gave me when she kissed my forehead while I was crying myself to sleep. The same love she had been giving me for years, the same forgiveness she kept giving me every time I fucked up.

It gave me hope.

I returned her smile and stared at her with a gaze that mirrored hers. Leaning up to kiss her lips and greet her softly, "Good morning, _______," before returning to lie on my back to find her eyes softening as she stared at me so lovingly.

That was when I promised myself to make things right. That I could make everything alright again. That I could fix everything that I had broken. I would do everything to make it right again.

For her.

For us.