(Jungkook's POV)

Song Companion: Let You Go - Faime

When I was a little boy, my grandfather once took me and my brother to the beach and sat us both down, gone was his playfulness that we had grown completely quiet as we faced the man, fearing for our lives as we started thinking if we had done something worthy of some serious scolding. Neither of us knew what he was doing, but we watched him attentively and waited to see what he wanted.

As if knowing what we were thinking, he only smiled at us before joining us to sit down on the sand. Taking a handful of white sand in his hand, he then gave us one of the biggest lessons in life we could have ever gotten. It was a lesson which was soon engraved in my memory but had always kept being pushed back to the back of my mind until it was too late.

"Life is nothing but a handful of sand. It is the most delicate thing that has always been misunderstood and taken for granted," he said then, lifting an open hand that carried a thick layer of sand on its palm and brought it to our faces to see.

"Hold and carry them the right way, with patience and gentleness, and enough amount of care, then you will have all you want from them on the palm of your hand. Lose the gentleness and grow careless, or be selfish and hold on to them too tight or with not enough willpower at all—" sending a smirk at us, he made a big gesture of clenching his fist together and I watched how the sand slipped through the crevices between his fingers and his big palm, running down slowly onto the ground where they came from, leaving only a small amount of them as my grandfather opened his palm to us right after, "—and just like that, they will slip away from you until there is nothing left but remnants of them that is only there as a reminder of what you have lost."

It was a lesson that was more than what our little minds could comprehend, until years later when I finally understood what he meant.

"Now, my boys, remember this later when you grow up, once life starts showing you different paths to choose and distractions to stray you away from it. Remember the sand and look at it as if it is your own life and everything that comes along with it, everything that you cherish the most. Remember to treat them gently, treat them with care, keep them safe from your own selfishness and not let them slip away from you so easily."

—First life, year 2018—

"I'm pregnant."

The minute she said those words, I remembered that day, remembered my grandfather's voice and myself watching those grains of sand falling on the ground. And that was exactly how I felt then. It felt like my whole life just shattered to the floor into pieces, turning into those delicate sand. And with her words, I felt everything slipping away from me.

Our life. Our Haven. Her.

Everything was falling apart right when I had thought I had everything under my control, just when we were building our lives and creating our own little bubble together where we were safe from the world around us. I was so comfortable in that life, being by her side and lost in her love that I had never realised it when I started to hold on to it too tight, as I was keeping her away from my own demons and my family's overbearing rules. I was afraid that one day my father would come and take her away or try to control us just the way he had done to me for years. Or even worse, that the moment he found out about her, he would use her to control me. Those fear kept coming to me that I began shielding her from him, from my family, from a dark side of me which I knew she would never be able to welcome in her life.

"Jungkook?" A familiar voice called for my name, followed by a few knocks on the car window to pull me out of my daze. All of a sudden, I found myself sitting in my car, my hands clutching tightly on the steering wheel until my knuckles had started to lose colour.

Where am I?

How did I get here?

Drawing in a shaky breath, I nearly choked at the tightness in my chest. The pain had been there for a while, I noticed, leaving me breathless, as if all the oxygen in my lungs had been taken away.

The knocking on the window returned, this time the sound was enough to make me look over, and my eyes fell on my older brother's concerned face looking at me from the other side of the glass.

"Jungkook, what's wrong? Open the door!" his voice sounded muffled but I could still hear him, which only meant that he was already yelling at me. It was dark, but I could still see the gloss in his eyes, the scowl that he had to suppress as he waited for my response. There was no doubt he was close to breaking the glass or pull the door open with force with how deep the frown he had plastered on.

I had no memory of driving all the way here and I started to question about my own state of mind, how I managed to drive two hours away from her flat to my brother's place without recalling anything about the journey or anything happened in between.

What I did remember was standing in the middle of her living room and nearly breaking down.

I had come to her place after she had called me, frantically begging for me to come with a strained voice and a few sobs that I had run off all the way from campus just to get to her, thinking something must have been wrong. Then I remembered her telling me about it, with her tear-streaked face and both her palms pressing on her flat stomach, letting me know that she was having a baby.

Our baby.

I remembered not being able to breathe, my whole body shaking as I felt the ground beneath me crumbling apart. Then I remembered walking away with her wailing behind me.

I left her.

I. Left. Her.

She is having my baby and all I did was walk away.

Fuck.

"Have you not been careful?"

My brother's voice sounded low. There was no need for me to look his way to know that he was probably pinching the bridge of his nose or pressing on his temple to ease his frown. He had kept the scowl on his face while he was listening to me, as I told him everything that had happened and what had led me here. About me, her, and the news she dumped on me before I fled.

"We've always been careful. We used protection every time, and even when we did miss it, she would take her morning-after pills just to make sure," I told him with a sigh. It felt more like I was convincing myself rather than to him. As if looking back to every precaution we had ever made would change the present.

"Some might say that you can never be too careful," he muttered. "Are you sure it's yours?"

"Watch what you are saying," I snapped at the accusation that was hanging in his question, all while turning to glare at him. I could not just stay quiet while he was throwing it so freely at her when he had never even met her before.

But then I inwardly cringed when I remembered throwing the same accusation right at her face myself.

You sick bastard, I cursed myself as I looked away from his knowing gaze. It felt like he was judging me for not only having to get my girlfriend pregnant before college ended, but also for trying to avoid claiming her baby as mine.

Fuck, I am such a complete dick, I scolded myself with rage and reached out to the glass of scotch my brother had left on the table for me. I never wanted to drink my misery away, but the more I thought about her, the more I wanted to wash down the pain. I hissed at the taste of the liquor when I took the huge gulp, wishing that it would immediately take control of my mind so I would stop all the thinking and quickly forget.

"The baby has to be mine. There is no—" I choked with a sob when her face came back into my mind. "There is no way she would cross me. We are always together, we always have been. You don't know her like I do. I know that she wouldn't—"

Did you say the same thing to her?

I grimaced and closed my eyes when my voice echoed in my head. I remembered the pain in her eyes when I said it, and now it was coming back at me tenfold.

"I trust you. Forgive me, I just had to ask," my brother said to me. I could sense him shifting on his seat. He was sitting across from me on his small bar, still sporting the same deep frown as he regarded my own. "So what are you going to do now?"

"I have no fucking idea," I said with nearly a whisper. "Fuck, this is such a mess."

"It's your mess, so you need to figure it out," he scolded me. I had no need for him to remind me about it, but I had no energy left to call him out on it. Instead, I looked at him, letting him see how defeated I felt when I met his eyes and watched how his frown turned to sadness. "Have you two talked about what to do with the baby?"

"No, we—" I stopped and look away. "No, we haven't had a chance to."

Because I ran away before we could.

My brother clenched his jaw, making me wonder if I had said those words out loud and admitted to him that his younger brother was a fucking coward. He looked at me deep in the eyes as he asked me, "Do you want to keep the baby?"

"I don't know, fuck! I have no idea how to be a goddamn father!" I practically yelled at him and slapped my palm on the bar.

But then suddenly, despite the haziness in my head and the lump in my throat, everything cleared up. At that moment, the whole dam inside me was broken loose and I shivered right before I completely broke down in front of my closest sibling. That was when I realised the reason for my misery.

No, it was not just about the baby or about the fact that my whole life was about to change with any decision I would make.

It was because I could not choose one without the other, knowing her well enough to know that she would never let the baby go.

No, I don't want the baby.

But I'd rather die than to lose her because of it either.

Fuck, I am so screwed.

Clenching and unclenching my hands and jaw repeatedly, I kept my eyes on her flat. The sky had yet turned dark, but the street in front of it was empty. The neighbourhood had always been a quiet one, and with today being the middle of the week, everyone around would be busy someplace else and would only return to their living quarters in this street by nightfall.

Her flat itself seemed quiet. At one glance, the place looked dead. The lights at the front of the building were still down when I arrived. The blinds on the windows were closed shut and there was no doubt that the door was locked. Nothing seemed out of place and it looked like the place was rather empty with no activity appearing on sight.

But I knew she was home.

I had been back on campus grounds since a few days ago after staying at my brother's place for another day after my arrival, letting him console me before I had to face my father and to face her again. I came back only when I felt like I was ready to deal with what was waiting for my return, yet I still could not bring myself to see her.

That was why I had been sitting here in my car for the past hour, like I had done so ever since I came back. This was where I had always ended up at every time I stepped out of the frat house with any determination to see her. The farthest I had been was to stand in front of her door, listening to the muffled shuffling voices happening from the other side of that door for nearly an hour without ever knocking and letting her know I was there.

No matter how many times I told myself that I needed to see her, that I needed to fight with her and be by her side, my courage kept flying off the window the moment I came close enough to do it.

Taking a deep breath, I took another glance at the closed door. Memories of her, of her voice, her laughter, her crying face, all came to me and made me wonder if she was taking care of herself. With worries taking over me, I unknowingly reached for the door, ready to open it and ran off across the street when I saw him coming.

Taehyung.

Trudging from the other end of the block, I saw her nerd of a best friend came with fierce determination in his eyes—one that I knew I never had—and firm footsteps towards the flat. I watched him running up the stairs before he reached her porch and leaned down to unlock the door.

He has a fucking key? I clutched the door handle tightly as I watched him slip through the door while calling for her. I still had my eyes on her flat as he slammed the door closed behind him and the flat returned to silence.

Jealousy. Rage. A new set of emotions came back to me all at once aside from the fear of losing her. I wanted to run after him and pull him away from the flat. Away from her. I was supposed to be the one who was in there with her, not another man while she was having a child with me.

But I did no such thing.

All I did was release my door and reached for my phone instead. Forcing myself to look away and push the thought of her to the back of my mind, I started texting the one person I had always been running to every time I failed to force myself to see her.

[07.14 PM] To Eunwoo: Where you at?

I waited for a response while tapping my fingers on the steering wheel. The chime on my phone came minutes later.

[07.16 PM] From Eunwoo: At the house, we're heading out to grab some food at Benny's before crashing a party downtown. You coming?

With another glance at her quiet flat, I took a few moments before deciding what to do. I needed to grow up a pair and face her, to face everything together with her like I was supposed to. But my chest felt tight when I remembered about the other man that was currently with her.

She already has someone else to deal about it with anyway.

[07.21 PM] To Eunwoo: I'm coming. See you there.

Tossing the phone away to the passenger seat, I started the car and drove away without taking another glance.

And hours later, I was where I usually ended up at each time I failed to face her.

Surrounded by college students and probably some others, loud music banging against the wall and flow of booze coming and going. My friends and brothers from the frat house had been going wild for the last few days, hopping from one party to another day by day. It was local dorm parties or frat parties at first, then followed by occasional trips to other parts of the city, and it had somehow become a resort of mine to hide away from seeing her or any of her friends.

Coward, my conscience kept calling me out whenever I thought about her. But I never listened.

Looking around the trashed living room of some stranger's house we had barged into tonight, I could not find anyone I recognised, having lost my friends ever since the beginning of the party when they immediately scattered through the crowd. But then again, I was completely trashed for God knows how many drinks I had chugged in to drown the voices in my head and to keep myself from driving back to her place that everything seemed blurry in my eyes.

I staggered through the makeshift dance floor, not even caring about the people that kept bumping into me and blocking my way. I had no idea where these people came from or who they were. The only thing I heard upon our arrival was that this was a homecoming party for a certain dance crew members who had just won some kind of a competition out of town. I spotted the said crew members earlier, tossing drinks and cheering from the other side of the room, but I stayed away while my friends joined them.

My body was suddenly pushed back when someone bumped hard into me as they passed through the dance floor. I looked over to know that it was not one of the dancing crowd nor that it was my friend, but rather one of the dance crew members I saw earlier, and he was quick to grab my arm to stop me from falling flat on my ass.

"Hey, sorry man. Are you okay?" he asked me, slurring a little while looking at me up and down. He was shorter than me, but looked like he had grown more muscles than I ever could. His face, however, was just as blurry as everything I was seeing around me.

"Ah, yeah. It's fine, I was bound to fall down anyway," I chuckled at him, patting his shoulder a little to thank him. "I was just about to sit down—" I stopped to look over to the corner of the room, spotting an empty space on the couches that had been pushed back to the walls. "—there. If I can make it without falling, that is."

The man beside me only laughed. "Gonna need some help with that?"

I turned to him, noticing the redhead that was clutching on his arm and decided that she might be needing him more than I would. "Nah," I waved my hand at him. "I'll be okay. You go on ahead," I told him, winking for good measure that made him chuckle while the girl who was with him visibly sighed.

"Alright, come on, Jimin. The kid said he's okay. We need to get you out of here before you trash yourself too hard you fail to make it to audition tomorrow," the girl scowled at him, practically pulling him away.

The guy rolled his eyes, whispering to me a little bit too hard and said, "Naggy cousins," before patting my shoulders and walked away from me with his 'cousin.'

As I turned away from looking at his retreating back, I was once again stumbling on my legs. But this time, I gave in as the beat of the music filled my head. Closing my eyes, I swayed my body left and right to follow the music. It felt good for a moment, as if I was drowned into something hollow and less painful or as terrifying as what my life was turning to be. I had no idea how long I was lost in my own world, dancing as if I was the only one in the room, until I felt someone pressing into me.

As I opened my eyes, I saw a girl in a tight revealing dress dancing with her body pressing on my chest. Her hands trailed up my shoulders before she started moving the same rhythm as I did, and I let her. Instead of pushing her away, I moved my hands to hold onto her hips and continued to dance with her, with our warm bodies moving along the music and letting ourselves lost in the moment.

Just the way I always did when I was at these parties.

I might never remember their faces or their names, or even remember what I had done with them aside from drinking away our miseries after dancing, but it had always ended this way ever since I started hiding away from her.

It never felt right, because they were not her. But for a moment, I could pretend everything was alright, I could pretend that I was not about to lose the life I had with her. I could pretend that everything was slowly falling into place, and that when I returned to her, there would be no baby in our way and things would come back to the way it used to. I would have her waiting for me in her small living room with a bright smile on her face and her usual big, clingy hug to throw at me before we could start over.

Everything was alright, and our lives were not falling apart.

I had no recollection of how I finally made it to the couches after that dance. My head was spinning for being drunk and I had kept my eyes closed the whole time as I waited for the alcohol to wear off so I could leave. I had lost track of time, but with the crowd thinning around me, I knew it was much later and was probably well away from midnight. My back was leaning into the soft couch and the cushions on my back. My body was warm, not only because of the drinks I had all night, but also to the hot lips that kept pressing down my neck.

But then they suddenly stopped.

"Hey, do you know that guy?" the voice beside me spoke, forcing me to reluctantly open my eyes.

I saw her face still in a close distance to mine when I looked down, finding her hands pressing on my chest next and her knee which was somehow resting on my thigh, before I followed her gaze and found out what she had meant. Only to figure out who she was talking about after blinking my haziness away.

Right there, standing at the entrance of the living room, I saw the familiar face of a fuming Kim Taeyung whose eyes were possibly glaring daggers into my skull under his thick glasses.

"You sick, son of a bitch!" He shouted at me while seething, right before he lunged forward at me.

The words he spoke and his sudden movement made me push myself off the couch, uncaring to how the girl who was with me had fallen on impact.

"What the hell—" I started to speak. But I never had a chance to finish the sentence, or to question how on earth he was able to find me there. All I could register was the hard blow of his fist landing on my face before all hell broke loose and everything went black.

"Ow. Stop touching that."

"Oops, sorry," she giggled from my side.

I narrowed my eyes to the girl beside me as she pulled her hand away from my face, wondering what she was doing without ever pushing her away. She was not a student of the same campus I went to. Hell, I could not even remember her name. I only remembered her from the party I went to a few days ago and she had somehow found me here.

Looking away from her, I ignored the way she was pressing on my side. She had been extra clingy ever since she came to the party and saw me, telling me that she had grown worried after the huge fight I had gotten at the party where we last met and fleeing right after. Never knowing that I had to leave because I had to run to see ____ before Taehyung could reach her before I would.

My head throbbed as I remembered her and what happened that night. It took me a few blows right at the head by that damn nerd to make me go to her. I sobered up right after and rode a cab to her flat to talk to her, to win her back. Things were getting better since. At least it was before I woke up this morning on her bed and witnessed her dealing with her morning sickness. The sight reminded me of what we were dealing with that I felt so terribly suffocated that I had to leave. Ever since the night she opened her door for me, I had stayed with her all the time and every night.

Until tonight.

Why was I here again? Oh. That's right, I thought to myself while rubbing the swelling on my cheek that had yet to recover. That was one of the reasons why I came to this party. I stumbled upon the nerd again on my way to ____'s flat, and the humiliation of what he did to me returned.

It had been a couple of days since the night he came crashing to the party to hunt me down, but the swelling and the cuts on my face still marked my skin and throbbed to remind me of what he had done to me. It was my headache that had led me here instead of going to her place. And my plan of getting a glass of beer or two before I would leave had to change when this girl beside me came to me, insisting at me to stay with her.

What am I doing? I asked myself when I looked at her face again. She was looking up to me with those wide, hopeful eyes, smiling widely as she slid her hands onto my body.

I could not remember how much I had drunk since I had gotten here. It seemed like I had lost control of my bearings when it came to drinking, especially when I was highly unstable like I was at the moment. It was ____ who had been the one to hold me back at times like these ever since we had gotten together. She was my anchor and the only one who managed to control me. But now, I felt lost, as if I had forgotten how to survive on my own without her.

Shaking my head, I tried to clear my head and my sight to look at the girl again. The music was too loud around us so I could not hear what she was saying. I could only tell she was talking to me by how her warm breath kept brushing against my skin while she kept caressing my arm with her fingers. Sometimes she would even lean closer that I could feel her lips briefly grazing on my jaw and neck.

I nearly resisted her at first, but when I could no longer look away, I was suddenly lost in her eyes and her presence. My body started to relax in the seat and into her touch. I smiled when she did and even laughed along with her no matter how much the music had drowned our voices together. For a moment, I started to have hopes.

Perhaps she could make me forget. Even if it was only for one night. Just one night without wondering what it would be like if nothing ever happened during the past week, a night where I could imagine the past week and my ruined life was nothing but a bad dream, and that the baby in her belly never existed, if only we—

"Jungkook! What the fuck is this?"

What?

I opened my eyes as I heard the familiar voice against the loud music and felt the girl pulling away from me. I had thought that perhaps I was imagining things. That was until I followed her gaze and then I saw—her.

Oh, no. Please.

"______," I stuttered when I met her wide eyes, and pushed myself off the couch. The hands that were touching suddenly felt like fire against my skin and I nearly tossed the girl away from me. It felt like a rewind from the other night when I could hear her falling over but I could care less about it. Not when I saw ______'s lips trembling right before my eyes.

My legs nearly gave up on me as I staggered towards her, but I kept pushing myself forward and kept my eyes on her. I kept refusing to believe that this was actually happening. I kept refusing to think about what she might be thinking or what she had seen. I swallowed hard while wishing that she did not just see me with the other girl, that she had not been witnessing me—

"Jungkook, why?" she suddenly choked, crushing my prayers. Her tears and the pain in her eyes, the disappointment that was clear in her gaze that never wavered from me had all only proven to me that she had witnessed everything. "So this is how you clear your mind? This is where you've been when you were being scared?"

"No, ____. Please listen to me, it's not what you think—"

I tried to reach out to her but she was quick to dodge my hand and turned around. There was nothing I could do to stop her as she quickly walked out of the room. I immediately jumped forward, brushing everyone away as I ran through the hallway just in time to see her practically running towards the elevator, pushing everyone that was blocking her way.

I did all I could to chase her no matter how heavy my legs felt and how the crowded hall seemed to be closing in on me. I kept calling her name and begged for her to stop running away from me. For someone who had been sick and pregnant, she sure was fast, and I soon realised I was already too drunk and was moving too slow.

Her shoulders kept shaking and I knew without a doubt that she was not only fuming, but was also sobbing as she kept pressing on the button on the elevator. I nearly breathed a sigh of relief when I finally reached her before there was any sign of the elevator coming to the floor.

"Will you please stop and listen—" I desperately begged her as I reached for arms, pulling her away towards me and making her face me.

But the moment I saw her eyes once again, seeing her breaking apart right before my eyes, I felt like my heart was being pulled away from inside my chest.

What have I done? Why do I keep hurting her like this?

"Oh my God. _____, I'm so sorry—," I choked, hoping for dear life that she could see that I meant it.

"Sorry? Sorry for what? For being caught?" she literally screamed at me while sobbing. I could only stand there, unmoving, as she started to hit me on my chest, again and again. I had let her. I wanted her to hurt me, to give me pain. Just as long as I could take away hers, then I would take everything she gave me.

"Fuck you, Jungkook," she suddenly screamed once again, pushing me away that I fell a few steps back away from her. A few steps too far. "I trusted you. You never loved me, you liar!"

Stunned at her power and at the pain I felt from her words, I was not ready when she suddenly turned to run towards the stairway.

When I finally realised that she was slipping away from my reach again, I pushed forward to catch up to her, all while screaming and begging, "—I never lied to you. Please stop running, you will hurt yourself and the baby—"

But she would not listen. She just kept running, moving so quick to run through the door and reached for the stairs. Fear immediately stroke me deep in my chest when I realised that the moment I let her go, I would lose her forever, so I used all the energy I had left to finally snatch her arm and hold her tight, stopping her from running downstairs and tried to pull her to me.

"Please, _____. I beg you, please wait and listen—"

"No! Let me go!" she screamed as she fought me back, pushing me away. This time, I was ready and my legs were strong enough to keep me from falling back.

But I failed to remember that she was smaller than me, and much weaker, especially with her pregnancy putting a toll on her body. So while my body never budged as I stood strong the landing, her body was propelled away from me instead, and I was too slow to see it when her legs lost their footing.

"No!" I tried to grab ahold of her again when she started to fall back.

But I was too late. Too damn late and too damn slow.

As I watched helplessly at gravity pulling my love away from my reach, I felt my soul being ripped apart with each scream, each loud thud that followed her fall.

And there was nothing else I could do to fight it when I felt all that was left of me slowly died.