It's two in the morning. 5th of January, 2019.

You know, I thought 2019 was never gonna come—I mean, 2018 felt like it lasted for a decade. And it felt even longer with the fact that it wasn't a great year for me. Don't worry, I won't mope about my problems here—society tells me that openly talking about your feelings is a weakness. I am, however, known to be a person who retaliates against the doctrine of society; so here I am.

Last year had been a disaster. I won't talk much about it, so you don't have to know about every single thing in my mind—it's complicated without words as it is.

Ever get the urge to re-invent yourself? Ever feel like "Oh my goodness, I can do anything right now! I could try out new hobbies. I could try new things, have a great time exploring new stuff and have fun failing! I could travel to another country if I wanted to. I could do so much..." But then, reality hits you—hard. We're young people, still confined to what others tell you to do or obligated to keep a certain image that is acceptable for society to perceive, but it's not you. Have you ever felt so suddenly powerful? Feeling like you could be anything you want and do anything you like. Feeling like you're at the top of the world. A second later, your mind came crumbling down, because you can't possibly do any of the things you dream of.

Have you ever felt like that?

Or, have you ever felt like the world is crushing in on you? You're surrounded by all the joy in the world, all the sparks of felicity flying around you, but you never actually feel it yourself? It feels like drowning in honey; sweet suffocation. I've used this phrase in one of my books before: I miss feeling alive—and I do. I miss feeling like I have strength to get on with my life, that I have what it takes to get through everything that's stands between me and my end-goals. I miss feeling like I could take on the world by storm, be a person I've always dreamed to be. The thing is, I'm not blind to reality. I've only just started and I've already failed so many times. I did mention that I should have fun failing, but this was... different. It wasn't the kind of failure that I imagined, so this was when my child-like fantasy was tarnished.

Failing is a difficult thing to conquer and get over. It's not like making a mess in the kitchen that you can easily clean up. It's nothing like a rusty knife that you could restore to perfection. It's more like the having your car breaking down in the middle of nowhere with the nearest town being thirty-two kilometers away—plus, your phone is dead and it's almost dark. It's more like having your leg broken while you're home alone for a month with no money.

For me—and I guess for everyone, too—failure is a heavy weight that I have to carry on my back and to add to that, the society doesn't allow you to talk about it. The more you think about it, the more you see how our society is toxic and that our system is faulty.

First lesson: failure is hard and messy. Deal with it.

I dream of becoming an author. I'm no great writer, but I always thought I have the time to improve, learn from others and be what I want. Of course I want to be a great, awesome and powerful person, but I'm okay with being a tiny part of the universe. As long as I can inspire people, I don't mind how I look like to other people. It's not  easy, but that's okay because nothing in our lives is easy. However, my parents don't allow me to get a degree in language and literature, because "it's a waste of money when you can just learn it by yourself."

And so, I'm taking International Relations for my major in Uni. I'm not complaining. I like politics, after all. I still want to be an author, though. I want to create a world where I could be free to decide whatever it is I want to do and however it is everything should work. I want to create a place where I can be happy. But we all know that utopia doesn't exist—unfortunately, dystopia does. Now, my future would most likely be sitting in a political debate, figuring out foreign policies, or becoming a diplomat. It's going to be great, I'm sure. I just wished it was different, but I still love my plan B as much as plan A.

Second Lesson: Don't expect everything to work out the way you want. Deal with it.

I'm not excited about anything that waits for me in the horizon. I'm not going to reject it either. I don't really know what I think of everything that I have in front of me. I haven't been able to find any kind of motivation to do anything—I'm so behind at school, since I almost never complete assignments—and I'm so, so tired of everything. Maybe they were right... My parents told me that I feel too much and that I should use my logic more often. When I went to a psychologist, they told me that I think too much and not feeling enough. Which one is right? Seems like neither my parents nor the psychologist really understand me. And really, we're all alone in this world, because there is no way anyone could ever read your mind and understand you completely.

I've lived alone since I was fourteen. My parents still send me money every month, and I still go home every school break, but living alone also means that I have to take care of myself and school at the same time. Is it too much to ask that I just want to be left alone and not be bothered for a few years?

And this was it. This was the dilemma. I like being alone—left to my own devices, free to do whatever without being judged or scolded—but I hate being lonely. Alone and lonely are two different things. Alone is tranquil and cool. It's when you can just sit back and relax, enjoy the day. Lonely is like being trapped in a white room with no door and everything is deafeningly silent.

Third Lesson: We're all alone in this world. Yes, it's depressing and bleak, so deal with it.

I can't sleep. That's okay. I like the night. The world is quiet and everything is asleep. No one expects anything from me and it's refreshing. I could stare at my wall for four hours and no one could tell me I can't do that. I could jump around my room and no one would know. There are no consequences to anything. It's so silent—the kind of silence that wraps around you like a warm blanket.

And then, I would create little images in my head. Scenarios where I'm a strong and independent person that is at the top of her game. An image where I feel loved and not just told that I'm loved. It's an image in which I could love out my dreams, have someone there to be with me—romantic or platonic, who cares—and I'm happy. After a while, though, it starts to hurt. It hurts because I realize that I've filled my imagination with the things that are missing from my own life. I've filled the holes I have in me that I realize only fantasy could fix. It always clouds my head with anger and melancholy.

All of this doesn't matter, because the world keeps spinning and going. No one cares about my problems and I should perhaps stop dwelling in my problems. Yes, I know I should stop victimizing myself. Problem is, how do I do that?

Fourth Lesson: You can't find the answer for everything. It's going to be difficult, so deal with it.

I always remember was younger. Back then, I was just enjoying life as it past through me like wind. You know what I'm talking about! It would be the night before a big field trip when you're ten and you would be buzzing with excitement, not getting any sleep at all. Or, it would be a day of sleepover and you have fun with your friends, be it watching movies or just have a light chat about nothing and everything. It might also be your birthday, celebrated with giggles of glee, presents and colors all strewn around you. And you were happy. Genuinely happy. You could feel the excitement and joy coursing through your veins and your were living.

I'm only seventeen, but I don't have any motivations to live anymore. There are so many things that are happening that I don't even feel like I'm living anymore. I'm just basically doing anything that the world throws at me and be like, "oh, we're doing this shit now? Okay." And like I said in one of my writings, I miss being alive.

Fifth Lesson: Life is tough and you can't always be happy. There are hills and valleys—and valleys  with trap doors below your feet, so watch out. The depressing times last longer. Deal with it.

Why am I telling you all this? In all honesty, I don't know. I'm gonna go for now. It's already 03:27 in the morning.

See you later.