22:50, 14-09-2020

So, as you probably already know by now, I have autism. It's not something I like to mention, but it's there and avoiding it has no use.

One of the generally thought things about autistic people, is that they don't want a cure for their autism.

I don't agree with this statement.

My parents always tell me and my siblings that our autism is a gift, an extra ability we have and should be proud of. And some of the time, I agree with that. Most of the time though, I don't.

I would jump for any chance at a cure. I don't see my autism as a gift or extra ability, I see it as an inevitable part of my life that I have until I die. It is one of the reasons - the main reason atm - that I don't want to bear children. Ever. Autism is genetic, and I would hate myself if I knowingly put a child on this earth, and basically force that child to have this disability.

It fucks my life up every time. It is statistically proven that people with autism are more likely to get bullied than neurotypical children. I have been bullied 6/8 years of elementary school, and one and a half years of my four years in high school, before I transferred to a school for special education.

I would give everything to be able to shut out sounds and things I see like normal people.

I don't want to be overwhelmed as soon as a big group of people come my way, or when I hear a toddler scream.

I want to be able to sit in a restaurant or a fast food place without having to tap my foot or tap or scratch my arms or the table in order to look normal and stop myself from hitting my head on the table, pushing my hands over my ears, covering my head with my arms, squeezing my eyes shut and putting my head on the table or start screaming because no one stops talking and making noise.

I want to be able to wait with my mother in line without feeling the need to grab her hand or jacket or sleeve or purse strap or even a finger bc the noise is too much and I need something familiar to focus on.

I don't want special treatment from people just bc of my autism. That's also one of the reasons I am willing to humiliate myself and take as long as I need with something if I don't get it, I don't want to ask for help.

I don't want to have to force myself to stay at a stressing environment or do something I'm uncomfortable with, just because I want to prove to myself that autism is not holding me back from doing normal things.

I don't want to have to train myself to accept hugs or physical contact by initiating it, it should be normal for me to want that.

I don't want to have to ask my parents how I should behave at something because I can't properly recognize emotions without parroting/mirrorring them, I should know that like a normal, neurotypical person for fucks sake.

I don't want to live every single fucking moment of my life planning out every single scenario so I'll be prepared when something doesn't go according to plan and I don't get a panic attack or freeze up.

I absolutely despise sometimes that I have to live with this disability until I die, and people call me and people with autism retarted, dumb, and say they'd rather have dead kids then healthy adults with autism. I can't fucking stand it, and frankly, I want to cut it out of my love like you would with an infection on a plant.

That was my rant of self-pity, I'll probably take this offline soon, but that's a tiny peak intl my fucked-up brain at 23:20 pm. Hope you enjoyed.