CHAPTER FORTY SEVEN » JUSTIFIED
"The right choice is the one that keeps us alive."

♔

The weapon slipped from my hands, inelegantly falling down beside my feet.

I let a breath of disbelief fall from my lips as I lifted my gaze to meet Rick's horrified eyes. His shoulders jolted, his body visibly shuddering as he took a careful step over the body in front of him, his unblinking eyes beginning to take in the scenes of destruction around us.

A deathly silence loomed in the air.

I shifted my eyes to Carl and Michonne. They remained far away, sat rigidly, frozen still, as their widened eyes looked on. I glanced away, swallowing thickly in response to the blood pounding erratically in my ears.

Time stood still for a moment longer.

Eventually, it was Daryl who moved first, lurching forwards so fast that I barely had time to prepare myself before he'd crashed into me. My legs felt weak, shaky, as I stumbled back slightly, the force knocking me off balance. Inhaling sharply, he wrapped his arms tight around my back as I leaned closer to him, grasping at his jacket to steady myself.

"Hey," I breathed out, a watery laugh escaping my lips as the two of us swayed slightly, neither ready to let go. "I missed you too buddy."

Daryl let out an audible sigh of relief, and I watched through almost watery eyes as he pulled back. "I thought you were dead," he said hoarsely, eyes scanning over me, as if he couldn't believe I was actually still here. "Thought you got out with Carl, 'n' then I saw you wasn't with 'em–"

"I never found him," I breathed out, my throat feeling tight all of a sudden as I met Carl's eyes. "I never found him."

I stepped aside as the words left my mouth, watching as Carl began to rush towards me. I moved forwards, bending down to meet him in a relieved hug. "Hey kiddo," I smiled tearfully after a few moments, instinctively moving back to check over him for any sign that he was hurt. A quiet sob seemed to leave his mouth, and he quickly moved his arms around me again, gripping me tightly as his body began to shake lightly in my arms.

Michonne took a step forwards cautiously. "You on your own, Blaire?"

I looked up in response, shaking my head as Carl began to untangle his arms from around me. "No, I'm with Liv and Jade." I cast my mind back to the two of them, realising how long I'd likely been gone for. "I should probably get back to them, they'll be wondering where I am."

Carl moved away, eyes glazed with tears, as Michonne moved forwards to place a comforting arm on his shoulder. The two of us shared a nod as I began to move past her to retrieve my gun, stopping momentarily as I reached out to give her arm a reassuring squeeze. She returned the gesture with a small smile.

"I'll go with you," Rick eventually stated, his low voice rough and gravelly. I slid my gun back into it's holster, turning to meet his haunted eyes. He watched me vacantly.

"No," I dismissed. "No. You should stay here. You should stay with Carl."

"She's right," Daryl agreed, heavily stepping past one of the lifeless bodies to pick up his discarded crossbow. "Stay with your boy. I'll go with Blaire." 

"They're not far," I assured him with a nod, looking over each person in turn, before I let my gaze finally settle on Rick again. "We'll be back soon."

~

I sat up suddenly, aware of a sharp pain shooting up my arm, which I presumed I'd knocked against the side of the car. I rubbed my eyes, my tired eyelids feeling heavy and sore to touch.

Light snores sounded from the front of the car where Jade lay soundly across the two seats, a thin blanket pulled up to her chin. I glanced to my side, smiling softly at the sight of Carl sleeping peacefully. I thought back to last night, my heart feeling weighed down as I recalled sitting with him most of the evening whilst he tried to fight away nightmares.

As soon as the sun had risen this morning, Michonne, Daryl and Olivia had set out to fetch water. I must have drifted back off to sleep after they'd gone.

I shifted slightly, pausing as I spotted a figure outside. Rick had been sat in front of the car all night, and I was certain he hadn't moved from the spot. Sighing quietly, I decided I was far too awake to fall back asleep.

Carefully, I lifted the blanket that had been covering Carl and I, slipping out from underneath it. I lay the rest of it gently over Carl, before opening the car door and stepping outside as quietly as I could manage.

The sun was low in the sky, forcing me to lift my hand in front of my face to provide some shade. It was fairly quiet outside; only a few soft chirps from birds could be hard in the far distance. Even Rick didn't so much as stir as I stopped in front of him.

"You okay?"

He continued to stare at his blood stained hands, his eyes emotionless, as if his entire soul had been sucked from his body. "Yeah," he replied emptily. "You okay?"

"Yeah." I moved forwards, sitting myself down beside him. "I'm okay."

Rick's shoulders lifted as he breathed in deeply. I turned away, focusing my eyes further away in the distance. After a few moments I heard him shift beside me, his arm pressing against mine as he seemed to turn to face me. "How's Carl?"

"Sleeping," I replied, pausing for a few moments before I glanced up at him. His tired eyes were watching the distance again. "He was having nightmares. That been happening lately?"

Rick shook his head silently, his face remaining expressionless. "Just last night, I guess."

Silence lapsed between us both. I exhaled heavily, thinking over the events of the past 24 hours. It really did all feel like a bad dream.

I swallowed thickly, my eyes flickering to Rick's. "How'd you run into them?"

"Killed one of their men," he responded, almost indifferently, as he shifted his gaze. "They came after us." He let out a breath, seeming as if he was about to continue, but he then stopped himself, his tortured eyes looking elsewhere.

"They were bad people, Rick," I said, straightening up as I watched him shake his head. "You know that. We all know that. What you did–"

"It ain't right."

"Hey," I started, my chest almost feeling heavy from witnessing Rick in such a broken state. "What happened last night was justified."

"No," he stated firmly, the word almost sounding strangled in his throat. He lifted his gaze, his bloodshot eyes watering slightly as they met mine. "I went too far."

"But how far is too far?" I countered, straightening up as an emotional look seemed to pass between us. "There's no such thing anymore, Rick."

"And you think that?"

I leaned my head back against the car, a defeated sigh escaping me. "You were protecting your son," I stated. "As horrible as it feels, we really were all just protecting each other. It was us or them." I fell quiet for a moment, deliberating my words as I was reminded of a thought that had crossed my mind before I fell asleep last night. "You know, Shane, he– he was wrong about a lot...but there is something he got right." I looked up, meeting Rick's eyes. "The right choice is the one that keeps us alive."

He swallowed thickly, pausing before e answered. "Shane was dangerous."

I let out a long breath at his comment, nodding along in agreement. "Yeah. Yeah, he was." I spared a glance to the side. "You know, one of my biggest worries used to be that this world would turn me into someone like Shane." I looked back at Rick. "But, I guess, in some ways, we're all a bit like him now. Back then, he knew what had to be done and when to make all the hard decisions – he just never knew how to go about it. That's what we've had to learn."

A thoughtful minute of silence passed before Rick spoke up again, turning to address me properly. "You think we would have made it with Shane?"

"No," I dismissed. "Not this far. He was a liability when it came to confrontation with the living." I cast my mind back to the Greene farm – the place seemed like such a distant memory now. "Shane was selfish, and ruthless. If he went on any further, he probably would have killed any of our group that tried to challenge him. You'd be dead. I'd be dead. And eventually he'd have got himself killed too," I gave him an assuring smile before I continued. "We would never have gotten this far without you."

"I still think about that night at the farm," Rick then spoke up, his eyes almost glazing over in thought.

"Me too." He turned to me, a questioning look on his face. "I called his bluff the second he came back with that bullshit story about that Randall. I knew his game as we went into the woods, and I still went along with it. I still let you go with him, even when I had my doubts that both of you would make it back alive together."

"That wasn't on you."

"I know," I replied. "I know. But if I had gone too, I think I might have been the one that ended up dead that night." Rick's eyes softened. "And wh— what if, deep down, that's why I stayed back?"

"Blaire–"

"Shoot first, think later," I glanced away, shaking my head as the truthful words began to fall from my mouth. "That's the way we live now."

~

Michonne was the one who made the call that we were in no fit state to travel that day, and nobody disagreed. As reluctant as I initially felt, I was definitely not in the correct headspace to go bursting into Terminus, and neither was anyone else.

So we set out the next morning, following the train tracks closely. As usual, I walked alongside Daryl, the two of us remaining fairly silent as we followed Rick's lead. He walked a few meters ahead, the bag of weapon's from the men we'd slaughtered slung over his shoulder. Michonne and Carl hung back slightly, both playing some sort of game along the tracks, whilst Jade and Olivia brought up the rear.

"Hey, loser."

I turned behind me upon the sound of Carl's voice, arching an eyebrow at the triumphant grin on his face – but I knew exactly what this was about. "Listen, I agreed to play a simple game with you. I did not sign up for relentless teasing about me losing," I told him, sparing a quick glance behind at Michonne, who chuckled as she walked a few steps behind Carl.

"Not my fault you suck," he teased, even having the nerve to poke his tongue out at me as I shook my head at him in mock disapproval.

"Oh, that is so it," I laughed, lurching forwards and lightly grabbing him before he could escape. "I think it's time to find out whether you're ticklish or not."

"No!" Carl laughed as he shouted out in protest, squirming in my grip as I began to tickle his sides. His laughter died down all of a sudden, and he pushed back again, his grip suddenly firmer this time, his whole body tensing.

I moved back, almost stumbling in shock as I slowly began to realise how insensitive I'd been. "Carl, I'm sorry," I started, reaching out in an attempt to comfort him. He flinched, the action making me feel as if hundreds of heavy weights had harshly plummeted onto my chest. "Carl–"

"It's okay."

I looked back in a desperate search for some help from Michonne, but she'd already hung back to walk with Olivia and Jade. Daryl and Rick were now far ahead, leaving just Carl and I.

"Hey," I spoke softly, making sure to keep a fair distance, not wishing to make him any more uncomfortable. "You wanna talk about it?"

He shook his head firmly, his eyes trained on the ground. "I'm sorry," he mumbled quietly, the meekness of the words almost throwing me off balance.

"Hey, you have absolutely nothing to be sorry for." I wanted to reach out for him, bring him into a warm hug, and give him as much love and reassurance as I could possibly offer. It hurt, it fucking hurt, to watch his innocent face crumble like that because of such a horrible experience. And most of all, I felt stupid for completely forgetting what he went through the other night.

Carl didn't respond to my words, and instead moved, walking along the train tracks with his arms out to steady his balance, just like we'd been doing before.

After I while, I found myself doing the same in an effort to distract myself. I kept a firm focus on my feet, determined not to fall off, and mostly not to venture back into my thoughts. Yet, I'd been so concentrated on that after so long, that I didn't even notice Carl quietly sneak over, gently shoving me off balance.

"Hey–" I called out, chuckling as I wobbled slightly, trying to regain my balance, only to inevitably fall back down again. "That's cheating."

Carl shrugged  his shoulders nonchalantly, quickly moving a couple steps away from me, a childish grin on his face. I smiled, reaching over and pulling off his Sheriff's hat, placing it on my own head. "Hey–"

"Oops, stole your hat," I teased, taking a big step backwards as he tried to reach for it, the two of us erupting into light bursts of laughter. "Here," I eventually said, lifting it off my head and placing it back on his. "I think it suits you better."

"Me too," Carl responded without missing a beat, the innocent grin widening on his face. The two of us walked in a comfortable silence, the tension from earlier having melted away. Carl didn't seem to want to talk about it anymore so I didn't push it. Instead I appreciated the fun moments we shared as we continued on.

After a while, I began to see another sign for Terminus poking out in the far distance. I turned my head slightly to disguise a heavy sigh, wondering if Glenn had made it there, or even if my mom had made it. Maybe they were together, after all they were both on the bus.

"Are you thinking about Glenn?"

My face fell slightly at Carl's worlds, my thoughts heading back to when I last saw Glenn on the bus, my final words to him echoing in my mind, taunting me. I swallowed thickly, my shoulders stiffening as I regained composure. "Just wondering if he's still out there."

"For what it's worth," Carl started as I turned my head back to face him. "I'm pretty sure he is."

I felt the corners of my mouth tug softly. "I like to think so too."

Carl smiled back, falling silent for a moment before looking to me again. "I hope he's okay. Glenn's a great guy."

"The best," I replied with a nod, my lips twitching into a wider smile

"He thinks the world of you," Carl continued, blue eyes almost shining as he looked up at me. "I approve."

I arched my eyebrows in amusement. "So he has to get your approval now?" I teased, gently nudging his shoulder with my own.

"Obviously," Carl replied, rolling his eyes in his, very well perfected, good-natured manner. "He has to get the brother approval."

The two of us paused simultaneously, both coming to the realisation about what he'd just said. I suddenly noticed I'd stopped walking, my feet feeling permanently glued to the ground. But Carl kept walking ahead, remaining a few steps ahead of me.

"Carl," I started, finally pulling myself together enough to move into a jog to catch up to him again. I reached him fairly quickly, noticing his cheeks had reddened slightly in embarrassment.

"I meant–" he cut off, as if he was slightly unsure on where he was going with his words anyway.

"Yeah, I know what you meant," I assured with a small smile, reaching to give his shoulder a comforting squeeze. "It doesn't matter if we're not related by blood. We're family. And I love you."

This time Carl was the one who came to a complete halt, pausing momentarily before turning and hugging me tightly – so tightly that at one point I didn't think he even wanted to let go.

I couldn't help myself as I smiled down at him, unable to even comprehend how I'd managed to get so lucky to have Carl Grimes in my life. In fact, I almost found myself feeling a little choked up, a slight lump forming in the back of my throat. After everything we'd been through, after everything Carl had been through, we were both still here, still living, surviving. And watching him grow up, I couldn't be prouder of him.

We both moved apart the moment I noticed that Rick come to a stop up ahead, seeming to be staring at a sign, perhaps another Terminus one, with caution. I shared a small smile with Carl before the two of us headed to Rick and Daryl, who were, in fact, stood looking at a Terminus sign that had fallen from it's post.

Daryl glanced from the map to the train tracks that led into the distance, narrowing his eyes thoughtfully. "We're getting close. Be there before sundown."

The comment struck a chord in me, and I already began to feel a mixture of nerves and, even excitement, twisting in my stomach. I really, truly hoped that Terminus was going to give us what we all wanted.

"Now we head through the woods," Rick decided, watching each of us in turn. "We don't know who they are."

"All right," Daryl agreed, adjusting the strap on his backpack before taking the lead. The rest of us followed without a word, and as I walked, I couldn't help but notice how much more at ease he seemed in here.

I came to a very close stop behind Michonne as Daryl suddenly thrust his hand out, pointing to his shoulder before dropping to a crouch.

Involuntarily, I found myself exchanging a brief look with Rick, before the two of us dropped down to the ground, and everyone began silently moving towards the high fences. The trees and bushes were majorly overgrown, which provided us with a large amount of cover as we watched over the area for a few minutes. It was a large train yard, with a huge red bricked building behind it, the name Terminus painted boldly and proudly on the top windows. And for some reason, the place gave me some creepy vibes.

I shook the intruding thoughts away quickly as soon as Rick began to give out instructions. "We all spread out, watch for a while, see what we see, and get ready. We all stay close."

Without another word, Daryl began to head down the left side by his self. I glanced towards Carl, who was studiously checking his gun, seeming to be trying to avoid his dad's gaze.

"You want to stick with me?" Rick, slightly unsurely, asked him.

Carl stiffened slightly, pressing his lips into a firm line. "It's alright," he said, his eyes meeting mine for the briefest instance before he began walking in the opposite direction towards Michonne.

Hurt flashed across Rick's face, and I sucked in a cold breath, reaching over to place a hand on his shoulder. He didn't move for a moment, keeping a watchful eye on Carl until he disappeared out of sight. Eventually, he placed his hand on top of mine, giving it a small squeeze, so I took it as a sign that he didn't want to talk about it just yet.

Silently, the two of us began to walk through the woods. There was a large amount of tension in the air, I suppose fairly due to the nature of the situation, but also because I knew Rick had seen Carl messing about with Michonne and I earlier. I knew it hurt him, especially because of the way Carl had been looking at him after the other night.

After knowing Rick for so long, I knew he was the type of person that was going to bottle his feelings up. But I, on the other hand, was going to have to address it at some point – largely due to the fact that the incredibly heavy silence was driving me mad. Actually, it was so unbearably bad that I couldn't help thinking about Daryl how I'd probably much rather be enduring one of his mildly awkward silences right now – at least they were somewhat comfortable, and mostly seemed to work for us both.

Admittedly, I had struggled with Daryl at first because I was so used to going on runs with Glenn – who practically had word vomit twenty four seven. In fact, Daryl being so silent still irritated me sometimes, and I was pretty certain he knew it, so I wouldn't be surprised if he'd started to do it on purpose.

Of course, Rick was an intense guy too, but we'd known each other for so long now that things were usually at ease, even if there was a bit of tension. But, for some reason, the horrid quietness was driving my mind absolutely crazy.

"Just so you know, I'm not with you out of pity," I eventually said, lifting my gaze to watch him carefully. "Whenever I'm with Daryl I usually end up having to save his ungrateful ass. And I've been third wheeling Jade and Liv for over a week, so," I continued with a shrug, suddenly realising how that sounded, and hating myself for trying to inject some humour to diffuse the tension. "I realise that sounds like you were my only other option, which wasn't what I meant."

A small smirk tugged on Rick's lips, but he didn't comment on it. I took that as a sign of progress.

The two of us began to climb a slightly  steeper hill, in silence, again. So I decided to continue talking, again. "Carl will be okay." I cringed inwardly when Rick didn't respond, deciding I was just going to have to embrace the quiet in the future.

"He trusts you," Rick finally stated, a couple of steps ahead of me.

"He trusts you too," I countered, slowing as Rick bent down, running his hand over a patch of grass. "We all do. We're family."

Rick seemed to smile slightly for a few moments, but when he glanced back up at me again he had the stern I-mean-business back look on his face. "We should bury a couple of these guns," he said, motioning to the bag by his feet, completely ignoring our past conversation. "Just in case."

I nodded. "Just in case."

Rick began to tug the bag of weapons from over his shoulder, whilst I watched him curiously. "Can I ask you a question?"

"No."

I glanced up in the air momentarily, before resuming to watching Rick with narrowed eyes. "You're a real piece of work sometimes, you know that right?"

There was a smug tone in his voice. "Yeah, I know.

❃

Words: 3969
Published: 20th December 2017

the brotps are going strong.

SPOILERS FOR 8x08 BELOW:

wtf is gimple doing killing off carl ???? why even ???? :(