Days after everyone decided to end the getaway, nawalan na ako ng ganang pumasok. The video has been circulating all over the social media and now that everything has been sinking on me, I feel na nalulunod na ako sa maraming iniisip.

I don’t have an appetite to eat. Hindi na rin ako lumalabas ng kwarto. I heard noises downstairs at wala akong ibang maramdaman kundi kaba or takot na baka si Emi na ‘yan, si Wren, or si Geo at naniningil na sila para sa lahat ng kasalanang nagawa ko. I even forgot about what Sven might think or feel about the issue. Pero nawalan na rin ako ng pakialam. What I wanted is to shut off everything na makakapagpalala ng nararamdaman ko.

A loud knock pulled me out from my deep thoughts. Bukas ang pinto kaya nakita ko agad kung sino ang pumasok. Her baby bump is now showing. Sabi nila, ang mga buntis daw, stress silang tingnan lalo na sensitive ang pagbubuntis nila. Pero siya, magandang-maganda pa rin.

“Rai, can I talk to you?” her voice is so soothing that I wanted to close my eyes to feel the calmness of it. “If it is okay . . .”

As if I have a choice. Bumangon ako para makaupo siya sa kama. Kahit hindi ko alam kung we deserve each other’s words after the several exchanges of awful insults.

“I heard what happened, Rai. Nakarating sa opisina ko ang letter na gusto kang ipa-expel ng university mo,” umpisa niya. “I think I contributed a lot to your pain. Or baka ako ang root ng lahat ng sakit na nararamdaman mo.”

For a moment, para akong nakakita ng bagong pintuan. The doors in the black hole have kept coming and keep disappearing whenever I do things that are beyond my control. And my desire to reach something that I could easily cage in my hands.

I have no idea what kind of door that is . . . is it hope? New beginning? Forgiveness? But whatever might be, there’s no room for me to accept any of it.

“Alam ko. Kahit ako, I also contributed a lot of pain and suffering to myself that resulted in my trauma,” sabi ko sa kanya. Ayoko namang isipin niyang hindi ko tatanggapin dahil iyon ang totoo. “Pero may magagawa pa ba tayo? Wala, Ma. Dahil tapos na. Kung gaano ka kawasak, ganoon din ako. Pareho lang tayong fucked up sa buhay na ‘to.”

Silence took over us. Sa bawat pagbuga ko ng hangin, ramdam ko ang unti-unting pagpapakawala ko ng mga hangin na pilit kong nilanghap kahit na sakal na sakal na ako.

“Your Tito Lukas and I broke up,” basag niya sa mahabang katahimikan.

Umangat ang ulo ko at naniningkit ang mga matang tiningnan siya. Siguro nabasa niya lahat ng mga katanungan sa mata ko dahil sinundan niya agad ang sinabi niya.

“He doesn’t love me. He just fooled me because he wanted to take even sa nangyari sa kanila ni Kat. What he did not know is hindi ko mapapantayan ang sakit na naramdaman niya dahil nahigitan ko ‘yon when I lost you, too, Rai,” she whispered. I watched her take my hand on my lap and put it on hers. I felt a tear dropped on my skin when she lowered her head.

“I realized . . . I realized na kaya hindi ka sumama kina Kat at Kairo kahit ramdam kong mas mahal na mahal mo ang papa mo kaysa sa akin dahil ayaw mo akong maiwan mag-isa,” nabasag ang boses niya. Suminghap muna siya bago ako tiningnan. “I’m sorry . . . I’m sorry, Rai . . .”

I feel my eyes getting blurry. On the verge of tears I shook my head. “Hindi ko alam sasabihin ko . . .”

Mama managed to smile and nodded. “It’s okay, it’s okay . . . you don’t have to push yourself. But I wanted us to start over again. I wanted you to get through this with me.”

The day of the Judgement, I feel like a lot of students’ eyes were on me. Kahit hindi ko tingnan, I feel the indifference, the disgust, the fear. Dumiretso kami ni mama sa Welfare Building para pumunta sa conference room. There I saw the president of the University of Sagezza along with our administrator and board members of the university.

I looked into my mother’s eyes and nodded. “I can do this.” Nang humarap ako sa lahat, taas noo ko pa rin silang tiningnan isa-isa. All eyes were on me. Hindi ko mabasa ang kanilang mga iniisip. Pero wala na akong pakialam dahil sirang-sira na rin naman ang pangalan ko.

Tiningnan ni president ang mga kasama niya sa table bago tumingin sa akin. “Let’s start.”

I went outside the conference room with my legs feeling jell-o. Kung wala lang si mama baka kanina pa ako tumumba sa gitna ng hallway. Iyon na siguro ang pinakamalapit sa impyerno na napuntahan ko. The idea of them voting for me to get expelled feels like I’m being crucified.

“Ayos ka lang?” tanong ni mama at inalalayan akong makaupo sa benches sa labas ng conference room.

Nag-uusap pa rin ang mga stakeholders doon tungkol sa mga papers ko. Sinabi ng isa na may nag-take down na raw ng post sa page. Pero hindi iyon sapat para sa kanila dahil natintahan ko na ang pangalan ng Sagezza. They gave me options to being directly to the point na expel or to transfer to another university. I chose the latter.

“Ma, kailangan ko pa pong puntahan si Hiraya. Ibibigay ko lang po sa kanya yung impeachment letter,” wika ko. It was requested by the boards. Kailangan na rin daw akong palitan bilang Vice President of the College Department. Nilunok ko ‘yon dahil iyon naman ang tama.

Hindi lang ako makapaniwala na this is all happening in just one day. Ang sakit pala sa puso. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko ito lulunukin lahat. That’s why, when we go down to the third floor. My hands felt cold. It was shaking. Wala na yata akong mukhang maihaharap kay Hiraya.

Dahil hindi ko na rin naman afford ang makita pa siya. Tinatagan ko ang loob ko when I entered her office. Wala si Therese na laging bumubungad para asikasuhin ang mga estudyante. Kaya naman dumiretso na agad ako sa mini-office, mahigpit ang hawak sa letter at kumatok ng tatlong beses sa kanyang pinto.

When I opened the door, tumama kaagad ang lamig ng aircon sa mukha ko. I saw Hiraya waiting for me. She’s on her desk.

“Pres, good day,” bati ko sa kanya.

It has been a while since I got inside her office.

“Good afternoon, Emraida. I bet you already know why I called you here,” she replied gesturing the chair for me to sit.

I tried not to scoff. I already have the impeachment letter naman. For sure she doesn’t have to invite me to sit na para bang iyon talaga ang gusto niyang mangyari. Dahil ang totoo, kabaligtaran iyon.

"I don't think tatagal ako rito. Kailangan lang naman ibigay yung letter diba?" I slid it on her table. "That's it. I hope you'll find a better replacement for me. One who could do her responsibilities better than me. It is nice being a part of this organization."

One thing I've realized, I could never look at her, the same way I looked up to her before.

Her eyes blinked, hindi yata makapaniwalang ganoon ang isinagot ko sa kanya. Beats me. This is what she did to me.

"It's very unfortunate that you have to leave, but thank you for your service Rai,” she said, trying to maintain her poise. "And by the way, I personally asked the admin of the page to take down the post about you. The damage has been done, but I hope it still helps."

I narrowed my eyes on her, skeptical. Siya? Gagawin niya iyon para sa isang taong sinumbatan niya nga?

"Very unfortunate? I don't think so. Iyon nga ang tingin kong gusto mo kasi iyon ang pinapakita mo, diba? Na kaya mo ang lahat?" Inilingan ko siya. "Ito na, binibigay na namin sayo ang lahat. I really thought that I could count on you but . . . I was wrong. Thank you na lang din kasi kahit anong pag-take down pa ang gawin mo sa video na 'yon, hinding-hindi magbabago na mababa rin ang tingin mo sa akin kagaya ng ibang tao."

Mabilis ko siyang tinalikuran at lumabas ng opisina ng Student Council. Mabilis ang pagtaas at baba ng dibdib ko. Ang sakit, sakit, sakit pala.

Pero tingin ko, ganoon talaga. May mga taong nakilala lang natin para bigyan tayo ng lesson at iwanan din tayo eventually.

In my case, alam ko na sa sarili kong people are just meant to enter my life and ruin it.