“’Di ko inakalang makakasama kitang mag-celebrate ng New Year.”

I saw Sven’s stare at my peripheral vision. We did a count down to welcome the year 2022 together. I let out a breath before taking a sip on my beer. Dalawa lang kami rito sa rooftop ng boarding house nila. Wala halos tao ngayon kasi yung ibang kasama niyang may uuwiang pamilya, umuwi sa kanila. Sven, on the other hand, is alone. Literally alone with me. And metaphorically alone.

“I’m sorry if this is all I could do to celebrate with you,” I told him and shook my head. “Super fucked up na ng buhay ko. To the point na ayoko na lang ding gumawa ng any shit move para madagdagan.”

Napatingin ako sa kanya nang hawakan niya ang kamay ko. Unlike Geo’s palm, Sven feels lighter. Magaan ang kamay. Kahit nagtatrabaho, parang soft pa rin. Magaan din ang pagkakahawak niya sayo. May bigat lang siguro kasi sa nararamdaman namin sa mga oras na ‘to.

“Kahit anong situwasyon, Rai. Basta alam kong kasama kita, masaya na ako,” he stated with sincerity. “Hindi ko na nga maalala kung kailan yung huling beses kong c-in-elebrate ‘tong bagong taon,” natawa siya sabay iling. I could feel the sadness taking over his voice. “Kaya kahit ganito kasimple, basta ramdam kong nagkaroon ako ng kasama. At alam kong ikaw ang kasama ko, sobrang kontento na ‘ko.”

This is one of the reasons why it is easy to fall for someone like Sven. It is actually rare to find someone like him. Wala siyang complications sa katawan. Kahit na sabihin mong isa rin siya sa mga taong may mabibigat na pinagdadaanan sa buhay.

Kaya hangang-hanga din ako sa patience niya sa akin. He never pressured me with anything, and he was always present whenever I have to deal with problems I want to give up on. Sinasampal nito kung gaano ako ka difficult. At maraming pasakit ang buhay ko.

“Sven,” I called his name. “How much do you love me?”

He raised his hand, trying to touch my face but eventually let his hand down. Kaya naman ako na ang kumuha nito at nilagay sa pisngi ko. Dinama ko ang haplos niya. At maski ito, may pag-iingat. Hindi ako minamadali. Hindi ako pinipilit sa isang bagay na hindi ko gusto. At hindi ako handa.

“Alam mo ba yung sinabi ni Rustom Padilla sa interview niya para kay Carmina Villaroel?”

My eyes narrowed and shook my head because of confusion. I only knew Rustom Padilla as BB Gandanghari now. But the woman said that it is her twin. I wonder kung si Amethyst ba ang twin soul ko. When will she take over my body? Kasi ako naman ang gustong magpahinga.

“Tinanong siya kung gaano niya kamahal si Carmina, at yung sagot niya, iyon ang sagot ko sa tanong mo.”

Slowly, I breathe. I let out the emotion na nagsusumiksik sa katawan ko for years at hindi ko kailanman pinakawalan. Dahil sa takot kong masira ang pagkakaibigan namin. Tonight, I let him feel the overflowing emotion that I feel for him through my eyes.

“Anong sagot niya?” I asked in a lowered voice.

He seems to be collecting his thoughts. Him, biting his lips and licking it so that it won’t dry.

“Pangalawa sa Diyos, higit sa buhay ko.”

Pakiramdam ko, tumigil ang pagtakbo ng mundo. Sinubukan kong itulak pero mas gusto nitong manatili na lang sa isang tabi at makinig ng tunog ng mga fireworks na nagpuputukan ngayon sa kalangitan. Isama mo pa yung tunog na naririnig ko sa mga hospital sa tuwing nagsi-stop na ang heartbeat ng isang pasyente. I could feel it all at once.

“Sven . . .”

Lumipat ang kamay niya sa batok ko at hinila ako upang bumaon ang mukha ko sa leeg niya. I inhaled his perfume and all I could feel was that I was at peace. I am home. He is my home. I knew it from the very start. Siya lang ang tanging nagagawang patahanin ako. Wala ng iba.

“Mahal na mahal kita, Rai,” pumiyok ang boses niya. “Sa sobrang pag-uumapaw ng nararamdaman ko para sayo, hindi ko na alam kung may iba pa bang paglalagyan nito. Ayokong mawala ka sa akin. Hindi ko kakayanin . . .”

I caressed his back. He was afraid to be abandoned like how I am afraid to be left behind. Ang pagmamahal na ‘to ay matagal na. I realized that Geo needed to happen for me to realize that it has always been Sven for me.

Siya lang at wala ng iba.

Saglit akong humiwalay sa kanya ng yakap at nakitaan ko agad ng pinaghalong lungkot, pagkalito, at takot ang mga mata niya. Do I even deserve him? He was too much for me.

Hinaplos ko siya gamit ang likod ng kamay ko. “Sven, hindi ko alam . . .. kung paano ko sisimulan. Kasi . . .” I trailed off. Hindi siya nagtanong pero nakikita ko ‘yon sa mga mata niya. Hindi ko naririnig pero lagi niyang pinararamdam na hindi ako mag-isa. “Kasi . . . mahal din kita. Mahal na mahal din kita, Sven. And it has always been you for me. I’ve realized na matagal nang pinlano ‘to ng Tadhana prro ngayon lang nakahanap ng chempo.”

A lone tear escaped his eyes while his lips parted. Napayuko siya para punasan iyon. Our breathing turns heavy. But the kind of heavy na alam naming kapag naproseso namin ay magiging magaan na lang at tuloy-tuloy. All we have to do is to accept that we are for each other. And I’m glad we do.

“Rai . . .”

Ngumiti ako sa kanya bago kinabig ang pisngi niya upang magtama ang mga labi namin. I was overwhelmed by how soft his lips were. My eyes shut close. And I just feel the rhythm. All lips and no tongue. And all I can say is that it was the best kiss I’ve ever experienced in my life.

When our lips parted. We both smiled at each other and giggled like how other teenagers act when they got their firsts.

“This is my first of many with you, Rai,” he confessed.

I felt a little sad. “I’m sorry . . .”

I thought that he was going to ask questions and I would feel overwhelmed to answer it all. But all he gave me is his sweetest smile that he could ever give someone.

“Walang problema. Ang mahalaga, ako ang una mong minahal.”

Natawa ako at napailing. Ganoon din ang ginawa niya bago bumalik ang tingin namin sa langit. This moment is exceptional.

“Rai, have you seen the videos? It is all over Sagezza’s facebook page.” Ashley, my blockmate tells me when I get to sit at my chair. “We don’t have any idea on who’s behind the posting of videos. But see it for yourself.”

Kumunot ang noo ko. “What video?”

Inabot niya sa akin ang telepono niya. And when I saw the bold written letters, para akong binuhusan ng malamig na tubig.

VICE PRESIDENT OF COLLEGE DEPARTMENT COUNCIL, EMRAIDA MIRAVALLES CAUGHT IN THE ACT WITH THE AVIATION STUDENT, GIDEON ALBRECHT, KISSING.

Nang pinindot ko ang video, parang binagsakan ako ng langit at lupa. This video was taken in the library. And it focused on how his kissing me and how I kissed him back. Ipinakita rin sa video kung paano ko siya itulak palayo sa akin.

There was no doubt that it was me. Wala akong lusot. At hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko. Tinampal ko ang noo ko sabay hilot ng sentido. How . . .. how did this happen?

“Nakaabot na ba kay Hiraya ‘to?” I asked her.

Umiling agad siya. “So far, hindi ka pa pinapatawag. But I think you need to take a rest muna. Go home. Magugulo ang takbo ng utak mo habang nandito ka.”

Tumango ako sa kanya. Buti na lang afternoon class namin ay isang subject lang. Agad na akong tumayo, kinuha ang bag ko at lumabas ng classroom. Nakayuko ang ulo ko habang dinadama ang bawat titig sa akin ng mga estudyanteng nadadaanan ko.

Afraid of taking the risk, I decided to use the elevator para makababa ng building safe and sound. Habang nasa loob ng elevator, I received a lot of messages coming from other departments saying how disappointed they were because of that scandal. And how they wanted to try it with me. I felt nothing but disgust.

When I got out of the elevator, tumakbo na ako palabas ng Gate 1. Lunch pa rin naman kaya nasa guard house ang nagbabantay.

My phone became bombarded with different messages. Nagpalit na ako ng simcard kaya hindi ko alam kung saan nila nakuha ang number ko. Siguro, may nagpakalat. Ganoon naman karamihan kapag masyado silang into it sa isang bagay. The side effects of using social media.

I had to silence it when I saw someone familiar with the caller ID. It was Eos.

“Rai, hello. Where are you?” masigla ang boses na bati niya. “Para kasing nakita kita kanina pero hindi ko alam kung saan ka pupunta. Are you okay?”

I bit my lower lip sabay singhot dahil sa bigat na nararamdaman. I started walking at the sidewalk of Dai Nam Avenue. Maraming mga kotse ang dumadaan at ang sarap na lang magpabangga.

“Yes, I am,” pumiyok ang boses ko. “Bakit . . . bakit ka napatawag?”

“Are you sure you are okay?” she confirms. “The reason pala why I called, para kasing napaginipan kita kaninang umaga. Ewan. I just feel like I need to call you today. Saan ka pupunta?”

“Uuwi muna ako,” I told her the truth. “Anong nakita mo sa panaginip mo?”

Saglit siyang natahimik. “Hindi ko na matandaan . . . fragrant memory kasi. Pero I called kasi what I wanted to tell you something.”

Kumunot ang noo ko. “What is it?”

“Let’s escape.”