I'm grateful that we aren't returning to Marisol's just yet. The compound lacked much when it came to charm, and yet, I couldn't fault its copious rooms or its convenient nature. The steel structure offered us a means of escape, and I've become increasingly concerned about leaving Legardo alone with two children. 

Staying here for the remainder of our time in New York would be best; it was much closer to the Dead City than Marisol's homes on the beach. "I'm going to shower." I coax, hopeful.

Verando hesitates, standing before me in a naked uncertainty that I'm not accustomed to when it comes to him; it's not his body that bears exposure to me but the truth of the depth of his despair. His fingers trail lightly over his forearms as he loosely crosses his arms and frowns at the ground. 

The gray-haired man is a good actor; I had almost been lulled into believing the facade in the company of our small task force. Approaching him more humbly, I tip my head to see his face better through the grimace. 

"Randy, I can't ask you if you're alright. I know you're not. I-- tell me what you need?" 

There was no room for guesswork in our lives, not at this point. I place my hands on the large pectoral muscles, and for a moment, Tomas crosses my mind, and I miss him so badly that my chest hurts. 

I can hear it plain as day in that Irish accent, talking about Verando's 'breasts', and like a truly insane person, I start to giggle in the middle of seriousness and darkness. He regards me quietly; that full upper lip twitches the slightest bit in amusement for my lack of tact. 

 "Well, for starters, you could keep your laughter to yourself? What're you carrying on about?" Taking a quick inventory of himself, I drag my fingers down the set of jagged scars on the left side, admiring their brutality. With his healed musculature, they were more of a stark reminder of where we had begun.

With an airy sigh, I shake my head at myself. "I was just thinking about Tomas. I'm just so smitten with your 'tits'." I quote, borrowing his boyish grin because the lude duo caused me quite a bit of trouble in their worst moments. 

I press a gentle kiss to one of the scars, relishing in the warmth and the masculine scent of a thoroughly exercised Alpha male. The back of my clenched fist presses to his navel as a means of keeping myself from pouncing on him; my hands travel on their own as my mind flinches.

Was I shellshocked, too?

 I wasn't sure if I could muddle through intimacy, not with the thought so fresh in my mind. Without thinking, my body moves on its own, kissing his collarbone, following the trail of destruction to the fang punctures on the base of his neck. His body was still glistening, skin hot to the touch. 

How could we be happy knowing our friend, his ex-wife, the mother of our child, was dead? 

Verando must be sensing my despair; his hands rise to collect my face. "We don't have to do anything, love. It's been a shit couple of days." His nose brushes against mine, his lips warm against my forehead as he presses a kiss to my skin.

His breath catches just slightly as I snag one of the offending nipples, rolling it between my thumb and forefinger. 

Feeling him resist writhing under my fingers, my free hand slides down his stomach towards his waistband. I was trapped between two versions of myself, the man who was used to losing people and needing to dive into depravity to find release, and the part that had begun to enjoy life as a human again. I had gotten comfortable, I'd allowed myself to be convinced that any of us were going to live, and the pain was almost unbearable. 

"You don't have to do this for me." Verando insists, making me flinch.

"I'm not sure what to feel, but I'm even less certain what you're feeling. I need to know you're going to be okay, this is--" I hesitate, searching his expression as I settle back onto my heels. "I've been wanting you since you got up off that mat, since you looked like you needed to take this out on someone."

Verando slips out of my grasp with a heavy sigh, heading for the bathroom. I follow after him, and he gives me a stern glance over his shoulder as his hands press into the stone counter, fogging the surface as he hides his eyes from me, bowing his head. 

My arms wrap around him from behind, pressing my cheek to his back as I listen to his pounding heart. 

"We have so much to do, so much to plan." Verando murmurs. "Gods... will there be anything left of us when this is over? Are we so fucked up that we fornicate like animals before the funeral?"

"The only time I feel I can know entirely how you're feeling is when you're at my mercy, bearing your soul to me as I come apart. It's not the sex I'm after, it's the passion and the raw emotion." I whisper, "It's never just sex for us. We are animals, we are whatever this hell has turned us into, but you're mine and I'm yours."

"Nic..." he manages, exhaling shakily as I kiss a trail down his spine in slow, hot, presses of my lips. In truth, I also feared he'd never touch me again, that he'd never recover from this tragedy. I coped through my depravity, just as he dealt with his by taking me to my limit. 

"Multi-task?" I plead, my voice breathless, and with a flick of my wrist, I turn on the shower from where I stand. "You are at your finest when you flex your command; If you find me a whore... let me do my job and serve you." 

Verando makes a face, not so convinced. Stepping away from him, I catch his gaze in the hazy mirror, slowly pulling off my shirt and shimmying out of my shorts in a way that is more mechanical than sexual. My body acts on its own, my mind threatens to short-circuit as the overwhelming guilt settles on my shoulders. 

She loved this man, and he loved her, and now she was gone. 

"Try?" I manage, through the tremble of exposure, wrapping my arms around myself.

Taking a step towards me, he collects my face in his hands and presses a slow kiss to my lips. "I'm not sure I can do this to you. Look at you.. You're falling apart. Every time I close my eyes-"

"Fuck me until it goes away." I exhale, wiping aggressively at my eyes and cursing under my breath with a sorry laugh. "You loved her." It's a confession that I understood precisely what they meant to each other. I hold his hands tighter, shutting my eyes tightly as his thumb brushes away the wetness from under my eye. "You loved her, and now I'm living this life that you would have continued with her if my family hadn't-"

Kissing me once more, tilting his head, invading my mouth with his tongue, I'm breathless when our lips part. "How do I always forget where that silly mind goes?" He frowns, kissing me again as I threaten to thaw in the slightest. "You know better than to let those dark thoughts in, soldier."

I hadn't thought about what we'd been through until these past few months; we hadn't had enough downtime for it to sink in. But those scenes kept coming back, harder and harder, those emotions hit me fresh as the day they happened with each new casualty. Beyond that, I was so ungodly worried about him, worried about us, afraid of this version of myself that could have walked away and forgotten this pain so easily until now. 

"I asked you to wait." I accuse myself, "To set this death aside."

"And it was the right call. The job's not done." Verando retorts, and I grimace, feeling like I'm falling apart all over again. "Is that what this is about? Do you think I'm blaming you?" My heart rate quickens, and I shiver as my body attempts to defend itself. "Fuckin' hell, Nic, you're cold as ice." Picking me up in his arms, cradled against his body, Verando carries me to the shower, and I gasp at the warmth of the water hitting my skin mixed with the inferno of his body.

"Next time, tell me what you need before worrying about me." My warlord insists, as I wrap my arms around his neck, relieved that the shiver begins to leave my body. "Can we talk about this chill?"

"Not now," I murmur, clenching my fists, holding onto him that much more tightly. "What I need is to feel anything but this. I don't want to forget about them. I don't want to pretend that I'm strong enough to move on from this, but--" I was so sick of almost losing him, so tired of the amount of pain we were expected to endure. "I don't care if it's messy, I just want to feel something."

We shower quickly in silent acceptance of the desire of our bodies. The way that he kisses me is different than when we were new at this, the intimate way that his tongue passes against mine, his lips melt against my own. I know his intention is not to torture me, that he would step back and allow the version of himself that mingled so well with my own darkness to come forward. 

 I scrub his hair, admiring the silvering strands. He was slowly shifting from a slate gray to a more silver color, with independent strands of white throughout. 

"I like this length." Verando distracts me, running his fingers through my locks that had grown out again. "I'm just glad it's red again." We rinse as our hands explore each other, soap rolling down our bodies as I try not to drown under the height difference, and yet I can't get enough. Turning me around, I inhale through my teeth as his hand collects my throat.

 Kissing my neck, I lean back against him, obedient as he tilts my chin upward, kissing me over my shoulder as I grip his wrist to encourage him to tighten his hold.  Hot, more hurried, my heart rate quickening, I feel his jaw tighten as I break the kiss, heat building in my stomach as the fire ignites under my skin. 

Turning to face him, I hook my arms around his neck and easily pull myself onto his body, binding my legs over his hips as he catches me. "Are you sure you want this?" He murmurs against my lips, making me pull at the roots of his hair. "You know you can always tell me to stop."

"I'm not afraid of you." I exhale, "You're the only one who sees me. Maybe I want to be the monster?"

Verando carries me to the bedroom, snagging a towel on the way before tossing me on the bed and drying off his body. I shiver from the lack of lycan body heat as he throws me the towel, and I dry myself. His lips graze my neck as I towel my hair; the warmth of his hands on my icy skin sends me to another level as my nipples respond. 

"You're pretty turned on for someone on the verge of a breakdown." Verando exhales as he kisses me, pushing the towel away from my face. "Tell me about this scar." 

He trails down the length of one of the scars across my chest, long and spiraling over my ribs. I blink, retracting from him, but he pins me, capturing my hand in one of his as he places it over my head. 

He wanted to take me with him, to live through the trauma together as he worshipped my body. If I wanted him to bear all, he needed his pound of flesh from me, too. 

"You need to ground. Think of what you've overcome. I'll still savage this filthy body. But I need you to talk to me."

"It was a dragon. He swung his tail at me, and I didn't move fast enough. It was while I was in school. Most of the older scars are from school." I hedge as he kisses down to find my nipple. The warm tongue swirls in slow circles as my body tenses. My free hand finds his damp hair, biting my lower lip as I writhe. 

"These?" He releases my hand to kiss down to my abdomen. 

"I-" I don't think we had ever talked about my chest. My entire upper body was riddled with marks; even with his harsh nature, he had never marked me as my instructors had. Every bite mark he'd given me was often healed by the next day, such was the nature of lycan saliva. "I told you I had to get through school somehow." 

Verando glances up at me, those light eyes filled with concern, checking on me as he drags his tongue back up towards my sternum. Cursing under my breath, I flinch as his hand wraps around my manhood, slowly stroking as his stubble stimulates my skin. His hands had softened since he'd come to the future.

 I squirm as I attempt to fight through to find clarity. "My instructor was quite rough with me; they are dragons who had become humans, as dragons do when they get more powerful. They have claws, and he would grab onto me wherever he saw fit." 

The smoldering trail comes back to my neck, his hand slows, his eyes smoldering as he traces his tongue over my lower lip. "All of these are from him?"

I can't help the sad laugh, where I had been spiraling before, I could feel the stability in that lived torment beginning to crack through the surface. I'd dealt with these demons, and somehow, I'd managed to survive, then, too. 

"It wasn't just him. To endure, I slept with all of my instructors. They kept me safe in exchange for payment. I can't say I had a choice in exactly what they did to me. I--... was a horrible student, unfortunately, so I had a lot to atone for." 

Verando rises onto his palm. I gaze up at him through half-lidded eyes, a trembling mess at his mercy. "Fools with no vision, I'd wager. I more so thought you were spoiled than having a lack of magical ability." He presses his lips to my jaw, marking a trail to my ear before catching the lobe in his teeth and sighing with restraint as he attacks my neck.

I arch against him, no longer chilled, feeling his erection pressing against my thigh. I hadn't thought about that time in so long; it wasn't something I liked to think about, it didn't define me, it wasn't who I was any longer. 

"Back then, I was nothing. You saw me, who I was, what I was running from. I was a shell, ashamed of what I had become, what the church would think of the sins I'd committed. In school,  most of my friends were eaten by the dragons, and we were hunted every day. I--" I tilt my head back with a whimper of desire, as he returns to stroking my manhood once more. "I was drowning, my body was all I had to give."

 Verando pauses, and I know I've hit a sore spot. Placing a chaste kiss on my cheek, he smiles almost sadly. 

"Yet your kindness prevails; you could have killed them all with that power. I'd imagine those men walk free?" 

"Well, they were dragons, after all." I consider the option, perhaps I could have, but I wouldn't have gotten very far. Hesitating, he seems to regret bringing up this painful subject. I clutch his face, kissing him once more, dragging my teeth over his lower lip as he rewards me with a sultry growl.

"Would you believe that you have set my expectations so unbelievably high that it makes it hard for the rest of us?" Verando brushes his nose against mine; I push my hand into his face in embarrassment.

Ever the eternal child at the worst moments, Verando licks my palm. I retaliate by shoving two of my fingers into his mouth, shivering as he sucks on them. Licking the length of each digit before biting me, I retreat to frown up at him.

"You were taught to survive, you have always endured, there is not an ounce of surrender in your body, and I'm afraid I've been expecting that from these... recruits. The people of our time fought so valiantly because of your ability to rally and push forward. So, what would you do next?"

I'm reeling from the undying devotion, uncomfortable with the praise. I rake my fingers through his stubble, letting my legs fall to the side as my slicked fingers slide between my legs to find my entrance. "Right now, my plan is for you to stop talking and fuck me, how's that?"

"No negotiations? My, have you always been so easy?" Slipping between my thighs, he sits on his knees to gaze down at me as his hand wraps around my cock. Slowly, he begins to stroke, gathering his own manhood in his hand as he strokes them together. I whimper at the sensation, wanting more, needing more.

What was I so concerned about? This man was a tyrant; of course, he was fine.

"I don't want anyone to feel left out. You need to include everyone. Wasn't this about me being sad? Can we get back to that?"

"Sad? I found you insatiably horny with a touch of... I believe they would call it psychosis? But sad?" He quickens his pace, and I bite my lower lip, gripping the sheets above my head. It was hot, so erotic the way he watched me with that devilish expression while stroking me against himself. I could feel the heat of him, shiver at the difference of his size compared to mine, feel him throb against me as I neared completion. 

"Fuck you. Now you're a therapist?" I sigh, shutting my eyes, rocking my hips as he tortures me. "Magic users need stimulation to trigger their magic; if they're powerless, they're useless to our cause." 

I'm climbing, my breathing quickens, I curse as I grit my teeth, and his hand stops; any remorse for this creature leaves with my pending orgasm. "Oh, you are a complete asshole."

"Flattery gets you nowhere, darling." Verando starts again, casually grinding his hips against mine. "So you want to endanger them? I didn't think a monster would care so much for the well-being of his men, but you want to throw them to the wolves. Maybe I was wrong?"

I curse out loud, squirming under his grasp. "Yes, for their own good. If they're going to quit, they need to do it now. I hate how you talk to them, for the love of god you're such a prick--" I moan, arching off the bed, plunging my fingers into myself as he strokes. "They aren't like our people. But, I think they are capable." I manage; my body starts to tremble as he twists his hand in such a delicious way. 

Once more, he pauses the moment I'm about to finish.