----------------------Mew's POV----------------------

I'm the worst...

That day when Gulf said that I'm precious to him and smiled so purely to me I almost blurted out that I love him, it took me a while to notice my own feelings yet I wish I didn't, he sees me as a close friend who was with him from the beginning, I'm sure he would feel like I betrayed his friendship feelings especially that I'm his first friend

On the other hand I couldn't resist not falling for him, in my eyes, he is an innocent beautiful angel, he gets sometime so cute which makes my heart flutters, he is so honest, brave, straightforward and kind, he is perfect and I understand how some of his fans became crazy for him, I myself became crazy to the point of having 'wet' dreams of him

It's gotten harder for me to hold myself back thus I thought it's better to keep my distance, I was trying to settle my feelings and bury them away before he notice yet he was quick to do so, seeing him sad and worried made me hate myself, I felt so guilty, as much as I hold him dear and I adore him, I had to leave so I won't do smth that will scare him for life, I even got afraid of my own crazy thoughts when I'm with him

I just love everything about him, his cute smile, his earth hue sparkling eyes, his softness, his hard work, his seriousness, his thoughtfulness, sometimes he looks so cool and sometimes so adorable which keep making my heart pound loudly as I keep admiring his every move, I completely got enchanted by him

That's why I decided to spend some time away from him until I find a solution to completely control my feelings so we could be close like before yet I just found myself missing him so much, I would think of him all day long and even started daydreaming about kissing and touching him, I was trying to control my feeling yet instead they got out of control

That's how days became weeks and weeks became months, it's has been almost 3 months since I last saw or contacted him, I ignored all his messages and calls, I tried everything, I even asked around but nothing worked and the only way to protect him from me is to cut all contact and make him hate me

I sometimes almost lose myself and pick up the phone to call him but I thankfully stop at the last minute, I could only listen to his voice through the radio or see him on TV, just seeing him on screen is enough to make me so bashful being fascinated by every move or expression he makes, his voice is so pleasant to the point I memorize everything he says, I never imagined I would fall so deep in love with someone like this

********************************

"Mew just tell us what's wrong?" my friend Tad asked, the both looked anxious seeing how gloomy and hurt I'm so I decided to tell them

"do you remember the new friend I made?"

"yes, thanks to him you became more cheerful although you refuse to tell us who" Atid said

"I'm sorry I can't tell you anything about him except for the fact he is a man, he is 3 years younger than me, we became close friends and we get along so well but recently I discovered that I..." I looked down not knowing how to confess

"you fell in love with him?" they both asked at the same time surprising me, I looked up widely at them then nodded slightly

"I never thought that smth like this would happen, I never even imagined that my first love would be a man yet I can't help but adoring him" they both smiled patting on my shoulder

"no one can control who his heart choose, it's normal to fall in love with someone regardless of their gender, we already noticed that this mister x means a lot to you after all you changed after meeting him" Tad said

"he's right, besides when falling in love you should be sparkling and happy speaking none stop of your lover but why are you gloomy?"

"I cut all ties with him, he is so innocent and pure and thinks of me as a precious friend, I'm sure if I confess my true feelings to him he would be so shocked and feel betrayed, he already went some painful memories before so I though cutting all contact is better"

"he may end up hating you" Atid said

"it's fine, hating me is better I betray his friendship and do smth that will shock him for life" my two friends glanced to each other then looked seriously to me

"you are so stupid Mew, if you are so precious to him, avoiding him like this will also shock him and he may not be able to have friend for life as well" I was stunned, Gulf clearly said that I'm the closest person to him since I know everything about him, will my disappearance cause him to avoid making new friends, he already grew up alone

"then what am I supposed to do?" the moment I asked that question

"Mew!!!" a familiar voice called me from the coffee shop door making everyone turn to face him, I slowly turned to be completely shocked, I stared widely as the voice's owner walked toward me

"I finally found you" he said looking furious and dead serious

"gu-Gulf" my two friends were stunned staring at him as some people started taking pictures of him but no one dared to approach him

"wait a second, Mew don't tell me you were talking about Gulf Kanawut?" Tad asked as I averted my eyes

"wow, who would have thought that Mew is..." Atid giggled

"Mew we need to talk" Gulf said with an angry voice

"I'm sorry Gulf, but it's better if both of you go home and talk better than here, Mew get up and take him to your place, and about your last question I believe it's better to be honest and tell the truth and then you can decide what to do next" Atid said while Tad was still speechless staring at Gulf

"I'm really sorry for interrupting and meeting you like this for the first time, let's meet again some other time" he said smiling to my friends

"of course we would love to" Atid said shaking hands with him

"I'm a huge fan of you, please let's meet again" Tad pushed Atid away and shook Gulf's hand who was surprised for a moment them kindly smiled

"of course we will but let me talk things over with Mew today"

"of course, hurry up Mew and clear things up with him" Tad pushed me toward the coffee entrance as they both cheered me silently, the way to my place was very quiet, I couldn't even look at him once, I was so afraid of his reaction to the truth but also so shocked by how enraged he looked, but now that I saw him again and heard him calling my name after so long, I felt even more impatient to confess to him and tell him everything

I led him to my house that was actually near his condo, he walked in and sat on the sofa staring at me with piercing eyes making me look down feeling guilty for suddenly disappearing but suddenly a question came to my mind

"how did you find me?" I asked without a warning

"you told me once that you always meet your friends at that coffee shop and so I've been going there for the past two months whenever I got time, I was lucky to find you today there" he explained looking serious, I was stunned staring at him, he's been going to that coffee every time he had a chance just to find me

"now let's hear your explanation"

"I'm so sorry, I thought I will be able to clear my feelings yet I couldn't and so I decided to stay away from you because if I come close to you I..." I went silent not knowing what to say or how to face him

"I take no excuses, I already told you that you are a precious friend to me and I felt so hurt and depressed when you never contacted me anymore, you kept ignoring all my messages and calls and never showed up again" he looked really sad and emotional not to mention how furious his voice sounded

"I deeply apologize for hurting you but believe me if I stayed close to you I would have hurt you even more"

"why? Just why do you keep saying that?! Did I say smth wrong to you, was being with me so bothersome? Did you get troubled by the media? Please tell me the truth and if it's really my fault, I promise I will never appear in front of you again" I jumped facing him after seeing tears in his eyes

"you did nothing! It's all my fault, it's because I fell in love with you! I'm so sorry" I blurted out without thinking, I quickly froze after realizing that I just confessed to him, he stared at me with wide red eyes

"you... fall... for me?" he asked not believing what he just heard as I backed away

"no word can describe how sorry I am, I tried to control my feelings and ignore them but I couldn't as I kept falling deeper and deeper in love with you and if I stayed close I would have... anyway, this is why I disappeared, I feel so guilty and already hate myself for betraying the friendship feelings you have for me" the was a minute of silence

"I don't know what to say, I don't want to reject you since I'm aware that your will be so hurt and heartbroken but also I can't accept you since I... honestly I've never been in love so I don't know, you are very dear to me, the closest and I trust you wholeheartedly yet I'm not sure about loving you" I smiled seeing him troubled thinking looking down

"you really so kind Gulf but don't push yourself and keep over thinking about me, just hearing your honest feeling is enough for me, love is smth that suddenly surface and shine when we realize it, thank you for being considerate of me, it means a lot"

"I'm really sorry Mew" he looked apologetic and worried, I reached patting on his head gently smiling

"no need to apologize, could you give me one more week to settle those feelings and then this time I really promise I will come back to your side"

"you are welcome anytime"

"I know, thanks Gulf, really thank you" I saw him walking toward his condo before going to my room and falling on my bed, the tightening of my throat was unbearable as all the feelings I managed to hold back burst at once in the form of a flood of tears that I felt sliding down to my ears, I could clearly hear my sniffing not being able to control myself

I know that Gulf tried his best to be considerate and to not hurt me but it's still very painful to know that it's a one-sided love, I never imagined that my first love will be an unrequited one and that I will be in so much grief like this, however, I'm well aware that I won't be able to stop loving him, he already carved his place deep inside my heart, a place that surely no one else will take

It took me many days to come in terms with those mixed feelings of sadness and love until I finally managed to calm down and go visit Gulf who welcomed me with a delightful warm smile, I'm already happy that he still accepted me to be by his side even though he is aware of my feelings for him

This is enough, being close to the person I truly love is already a blessing that not many can experience it, although, a part of me kept hoping that one day Gulf will also fall for me, of course my friends told me to try and seduce him and try to make him fall for me yet I wanted to stay as I'm and leave everything to our fate

But then 'he' appeared and my life changed even more...