Chapter 29

Two more days, babalik kami sa Bangkok and I'm still far from enjoying my stay in Krabi. Ni hindi nga ako nakapaglibot-libot sa paligid since Heikenz has been out all the time. Hindi naman niya sinasabi sa akin kung saan siya pumupunta. Mag-aabot na lang kaming dalawa kapag matutulog na siya. Ang tipid pa niyang sagutin ang bawat tanong ko na halos walang interes pang makipag-usap sa akin.

Kanina naabutan ko siyang magising. Gumising din talaga ako nang maaga para kausapin siya. Tinanong ko kung saan siya pupunta pero hindi niya sinabi sa akin. Tinanong ko rin kung saan siya kumakain o nagpapalipas ng oras at kahit isang clue ay wala siyang binitawan sa akin.

He hated this home so much.

Hindi ko lang talaga maintindihan na bakit parang nadadamay ako rito. Yes, I've planned for us to go here pero hindi naman niya sinabi sa akin kung ano ang dahilan kung bakit. E, 'di sana ay hindi ko na lang itinuloy ang planong pagpunta rito sa Krabi kung ang magiging reaksyon ay salungat sa pinapakita niya sa akin ngayon.

I feel like what's happening between us is over. Saka it was just one kiss, nothing happened after that. Hindi ko nga sure kung may mangyayaring pang kasundo. I feel like I've been set aside. Heikenz just offered his home to me, but other than that, I'm just a mere tourist in his life.

"Bwisit na babaita talaga 'to, hindi sinasagot ang tawag ko," usal ko pa nang hindi na naman sagutin ni Caro ang tawag ko.

Cely told me Caro went back to Manila after a week of her stay in Vegas. While Caro's around, nagkaroon ng free time iyong dalawa na makapag-bonding without worrying about Delancey, though Cely funnily said na hindi na raw niya kaya. Iyong isip niya ay lumulutang na sa kalagayan ng anak niya. It's not she didn't trust Caro, she's a mother at normal lang sa kanya 'yon.

Though she didn't mention to me kung bumalik na ba si Caro sa trabaho. I could be fired sa isang buwang pag-stay ko rito sa Bangkok. Pwede akong mawalan ng trabaho, but I took the risk that's why I stayed. I stayed because I thought there'll be something I can finally find in here. Mukhang sarili ko pa ata ang hahanapin ko.

Cely and Caro would probably hit me after this situation with Heikenz. But this is far from what I've experienced from Omar. Iyon landian lang talaga as in. Parang fling-fling lang. Walang totoong connection, but with Heikenz, it's a different issue so I'm kind of struggling where to put myself since everything I do seems not working at all.

Every single thing. Iyong pagsama ko sa mga tour niya no'n, hindi na nga kami nakapunta ng market. Para bang nawalan na lang siya ng ganang makipaghalubilo sa akin. I just don't know how to flip him back to me kung nakatatak na sa utak niya na... the thing between us is never gonna happen.

And never will.

"Andrew?" Napalingon ako sa tumawag sa pangalan ko. Nakita ko si tita—nanay ni Heikenz na papalapit sa direksyon ko. "Saan ka pupunta?"

Palabas kasi ako ng pinto. Hindi ko alam kung bakit pumasok na naman sa isipan kong hanapin si Heikenz.

"Sa labas po," tipid kong sagot. "Baka sakaling makita ko kung nasaan si Heikenz."

"Ah, hindi na naman ba niya sinabi sa 'yo kung saan siya pumunta?"

Umiling ako. "Hindi po, e. Hindi naman po niya talaga sinasabi sa akin kung saan siya pupunta."

Inabot at hinawakan ako nito sa braso. "Baka nasa Thara Park lamang si Heikenz. We've been there before at madalas siyang pumunta ro'n no'ng teenager pa siya. Baka nando'n siya, subukan mo. Wala namang mawawala."

"And all this time po, kaya medyo hindi kayo nag-aalala ay nando'n lang siya sa park?"

Napakibit balikat naman ito sa akin. "Iyon ang hindi ko sigurado, basta matatag ang loob ko na hindi naman pababayaan ni Heikenz ang sarili niya. May mga kaibigan pa naman siyang nakatira dito sa Krabi, siguroy' binibista niya ang mga ito. Pero syempre, nag-aalala pa rin ako sa kanya. Hindi ko naman ginusto na palaging wala si Heikenz dito gayong ikaw pa pala ang gumastos ng ticket niya pabalik dito."

"Wala naman po iyon sa akin... kung sinabi lang po sa akin ni Heikenz ang sitwasyon then I would be sensitive to do what I should do. Pero hindi po, e. he likes to keep it all by himself. Pero okay lang po if that's what he wants to do, naiintindihan ko naman po."

"Napaka-understanding mo, Andrew... pasensya ka na talaga, ha? Pero ang alam ko, hindi lang sa sekswalidad ni Heikenz may tampo ang kanyang ama."

"Hindi naman po sa nagnghihimasok, pero kung komportable naman ppo kayong sabihin, ayos lang din po..."

Nginitian ako nito. "Ang gusto kasi ng ama nito, pumunta sa states at doon mag-trabaho o kaya naman pumasok sa graduate school. Pero nanatili si Heikenz dito at piniling maging tour guide. Wala naman akong problema ro'n. Iyon ang gusto niyang gawin. May pagkamatigas din kasi talaga itong si Heikenz. Gagawin lamang niya ang mga gusto niyang gawin. Sinusuportahan ko siya sa kahit na anong bagay..."

"Alam niyo rin po ba ang tungkol sa pagiging gay niya?" Nanliit pa ang mata ko sa pagbitaw ko ng tanong. Not sure if it's the right thing to say.

Tumango ito sa akin. "Kahit hindi naman niya sabihin, ramdam ko naman. Hinihintay ko lang na siya iyong magbigay alam nito sa akin. Iyon nga lang, ang magiging problema ay ang ama niya. Tradisyonal na tao ang ama niya kaya ang lahat ng paniniwala at sabi-sabi ay sinusunod nito."

"Maybe that's the reason why he stayed in Bangkok po... he felt like he didn't belong here."

Napakibit balikat ito sa sinabi ko saka tinapik na lamang ang balikat ko. "Sige na, hanapin mo na si Heikenz."

Hindi rin naman nagtagal ay lumabas na ako ng bahay at naghintay ng masasakyan sa labas. Napabitaw na lamang ako nang malalim na buntonghininga kasabay ng mga malalalim na bagay na tumatakbo sa isipan ko ngayon.

Gaya ng sabi ng mother ni Heikenz, sinunod ko na lamang kung anong sinabi nito na baka sakaling matagpuan ko ang anak niya. I took a ride heading to that place. Hindi ko alam kung anong daratnan ko sa lugar na 'yon.

Krabi has so much beaches to offer at iyon pa naman ang isa sa pinakaaabangan ko kaya sabik din akong pumunta rito sa Krabi. If only Heikenz would understand the situation, we won't be dealing with this issue. I just hope that he would come up in a right mind and decision to set things straight.

Hindi nagtagal ay nakarating ako sa park na tinutukoy na dapat kong puntahan. Nang makababa ako ng sasakyan, hindi ko alam kung saan ako pupunta. I literally have no idea where to go. When I tried using the map on my phone, it wasn't actually helping me. Pinapakita lang nito kung nasaan ako, but not really my movement.

I went inside the park, looking for him to every corner of the place. Marami ring puno sa paligid. Though are only a few people can be seen around, I thought it would be easy for me to find him around the area. I was just hoping I would see him here. Napakalaki ng park na ito and if he's not around, I would probably just lost my way in this city looking for him.

I tried calling him, but he's still not answering any of my calls or messages. He completely ignored me. Whatever I do, kahit anong effort pa ata ang gawin ko. Hindi na niya ako mapapansin. Pero sinubukan ko pa rin siyang hanapin sa paligid, he might be around. His mom might be right.

Para kasing ang bigat na sa dibdib na gusto ko maging masaya pero 'yong taong gusto kong makitang masaya rin ay hindi nagagawang gawin 'yon. Pero sa ilang minuto kong paglalakad, mukhang nasa maling lugar ako para hanapin siya. That's the point when I've decided to head out of the park, but upon turning around, nagulat ako at natigil kung sino itong taong biglang bumungad sa harapan ko.

"Heikenz!" sigaw ko nang mag-process ang utak ko na siya ang kaharap ko. Agad ko naman itong niyakap. Hindi naman niya ito binalik kaya unti-unti akong kumawala sa pagkayayakap sa kanya. Nakangiti ako nang makita ko siya. "Nandito ka nga..."

"What are you doing here, Andrew?" he asked.

Lumunok ako ng laway. "I was out here looking for you."

"I thought I was seeing things earlier, but I've been following you since you arrived here," aniya na ikinagulat ko rin naman. Hindi ko alam. Hindi ko napansin 'yon. "I know why you were here. Mom told me you could find me here, right?"

Tumango ako sa tanong niya. "Wala naman akong ideya kung saan kita hahanapin. She just told me you might be here."

"She always does," he said. "You should go back home, Andrew."

"Wait, nahanap na nga kita and then you're pushing me away. May problema ba? I know it was a mistake for me to bring you here to Krabi na hindi alam kung anong meron and I'm sorry for that, but you don't have to push me away like some stranger. May nagawa ba akong mali?"

"I don't wanna to talk about this now, Andrew. You should go home."

"Maybe you were still in love with Rune," I said out of nowhere. Tiningnan niya ako sa mata kaya pinanindigan ko na ang sinabi ko. "I know you and Rune had phone sex the other night. I just didn't say a word because it feels like I'm being pushed away and you don't want me around. I tried resisting what you are doing to me, but now... I think what you're doing is too much for me. You kissed me and how could I not think of that!"

"That was just a kiss," he reasoned. "It doesn't mean anything."

Bumagsak ang balikat ko sa sinabi niya. "I stayed here in Bangkok to be with you... and now you're just gonna say that in my face?"

"It's more hurtful if you'll find it out to anyone else," he said. "And it's your decision you stayed. I didn't say anything you should stay. It was all yours. I never really wanted to be here in Krabi and talk about my parents and tour you around this place, I don't want that, Andrew. And yes, Rune and I still talk, but we're not in a relationship anymore."

"But he pleasures you," sagot ko. "I get it, you're still not over him. You don't have to explain it further. Gets ko naman."

"You should go home."

"Back to Manila?" I questioned. "Maybe I would."

Sinimulan ko siyang talikuran. "I'm telling you, Andrew. You don't want any of me. My life's problematic. I'm far from the person you wanted me to be. Don't assume just because you saw and felt it, that's not always how it goes."

I didn't say a response to what he said. At least nalinawan na ako sa intensyon ni Heikenz ngayon. Now I know what to do with my life and that I shouldn't push myself to a person who doesn't really see and appreciate the way I am.

Sayang. Naubos lamang ang oras ko. Naubos lang lahat sa akin. I thought... he's different, but he's someone I thought I didn't expect to be. But I guess, isa na naman itong masalimuot na realization sa akin.

I couldn't really find someone to love me... because, in the end, they all chose to break my heart. I'm not lucky enough like Cely... I wasn't able to find the right person for me.

***

Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoy this chapter! Let me know your thoughts! I would appreciate it so much

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