This is technically a continuation of "Holding You Tightly" but can be read separately.

SUMMARY: Maybe chaos isn't what she really wanted. Maybe all she wanted was to be with you, even as the world crumbles around you both, but that wasn't possible anymore.

WARNINGS: Angst, mentions of death, minor swearing, mourning and grief, mentions of a panic attack, me projecting onto Yelena like it's my job.

DYNAMIC: Past established relationship

~~~

The blonde sat in a chair next to the window of her room, her elbow resting against the table she sat at, with her palm holding her head up.

It was night time, and the glow of the moon casted a soft light to her face. However, her sunken in, bloodshot eyes ruined the beautiful scene.

Tiredly, she gazed down at the now cold, non-touched, cup of tea on the table. If you were still here, you'd have made her go to sleep hours ago, but you weren't. She had lost so much sleep over the last month since it happened, not that she got much before.

The longer she gazed at the cup with an unfocused look, the lighter it began to get outside. When she finally allowed herself to look up, she noticed the sun barley peeking out over the horizon.

Some time ago, she would have enjoyed seeing the sun rise, with you by her side. But, now, looking at it just made her feel miserable and bitter.

Taking a deep breath through her nose, she let it out and leaned back into her chair, letting her hands rest on her lap.

As she let her shoulders relax, she heard a knock on her door.

Some hopeful, stupid part of her thought it might've been you coming to check in on her, to see if she was taking care of herself, but she knew it was just wishful thinking, as without giving an answer, Dot Pyxis walked through the door, two Garrison soldiers by his side.

She side-eyed the bald old man with a blank, uninterested look. She really wasn't in the mood for his stupid questionings right now. Especially this early in the morning.

He approached her table with papers in hand, taking a seat across from her.

He greeted her with a nod, which she didn't bother responding to.

"Good morning," He said. "I see you're up early, as usual." He lent her a small smile, although she knew he didn't mean it.

Her hooded, dark eyes looked at him in exhaustion and irritation, trying to get her point across that she was not in the mood for this today.

Ruffling the papers a bit, he adjusted his posture before looking at her straight in the eyes.

"Hopefully you'll cooperate today, Yelena. We really need to know who gave Eren access to leave for Marley. We know someone in the Volunteers was involved, along with Mr. Forster. So, if you'd just tell us who, we'll be out of your hair." His voice was stern, but he tried to express he was willing to talk things over.

She internally scoffed. Not one person talked about your death since it happened. Yeah, there was a funeral, but no one so much as mentioned it. Not even your supposed friends. Not the people who claimed they cared.

All the military cared about was the information she could provide. No one was getting answers out of Eren, nor was Floch willing to cooperate either.

Yelena, she didn't care about much at all anymore. Not since that day. Not since she watched you-.

She suddenly felt her throat closing up, and she dug her nails into her palms to the point she was bleeding, to stop herself from breaking down Infront of these people.

She found it difficult to breathe, and the words Pyxis spoke sounded so muffled and foggy, like she was under water.

Her mouth felt dry, she wanted to cry, she wanted to scream and be angry. She clenched her fists harder, blood seeping through her fingers and onto her pants.

Suddenly, in a fit of rage, she shot up in her chair, grabbed the teacup, and chucked it across the room at the nearest wall. Interrupting Pyxis talking, and narrowly missing a soldiers head.

The porcelain of the cup shattered against the wall, and the cold liquid of the tea dripped down it and onto the hard wood floors.

Her own blood fell in droplets down her fingers and onto the table and floor, as she tried to find her breathing.

She barley registered the two soldiers taking out their guns, the ones gifted by her and the other Volunteers, and pointed them at her. Her head was spinning from exhaustion, and her blood pressure was surely going through the roof.

Gritting her teeth, she glared at Pyxis with eyes full of grief, anger, and hatred. She was seething.

"Get. Out." She practically growled.

"Like hell we will." The female soldier, Anka her name was, spat out. The red head glared at the taller blonde with malice, but it soon dissipated when Pyxis placed a hand on her shoulder.

"Now, Anka, calm down. I can tell she is not in the best mindset to be questioned right now. Let's try again tomorrow." He spoke softly, yet sternly.

As they left and shut the door behind them, Yelena felt herself slowly breaking down.

Walking to the bed in her room, she sunk down into the matress, holding her head in her hands.

She dug the heel of palms into her eyes, trying to stop the onslaught of forming tears, only to fail when they just started piling up against her skin.

She removed her hands and wiped them on her pants. The tears were making the wounds on her hands burn, but she didn't care.

Without a care, she let the tears fall freely down her face. She ran her hands through her hair, tugging at the slightly greasy strands to try and ground herself back down to earth.

The world felt like it was caving in around her, that it was all falling apart as she suffered alone. No one cared about her, no one would support her, she was completely and utterly alone.

Everyone who ever cared about her was gone, either dead or just abandoned her altogether. She didn't matter to anyone anymore.

She tore and clawed at her hair and scalp, ripping out strands and chunks of skin.

Saliva piled up in the back of her throat as she sobbed, making her choke and cough as she broke down in the confines of her room.

Sliding off the bed and onto the floor, she curled into a ball. The socks on her feet making them slide on the floor.

She didn't care about anything. Not Eren, or Zeke. She didn't even care if their plan worked or not. All she wanted was to have you back in her life. She didn't want to be alone in this, she didn't want to feel like this.

As she caught her breathing after what felt like hours, she slowly got off the floor, physically and mentally tired.

She walked over to the broken cup across the room, she tea on the floor soaking into her socks.

She began picking up the broken shards with her hands, taking them up off the floor with delicate fingers.

She felt the slight sting of one slicing her finger open, but she kept picking up the broken cup.

Finally, with all the shards off the ground, she dumped them into the trash-bin kept in her room, and inspected the multiple wounds and cuts on her hands.

Without bothering to even clean or patch them up, she went back the the table she was sitting at a few hours prior, and sat down.

Once again, she gazed at the sky, which was now looking around mid-day, and sulked.

In the back of her mind, she heard the distant sound of your laugh chiming through her head. She frowned and lied her head down on the table, hiding her face in her arms.

Her heart was broken, she was alone, and she didn't have anyone to turn to.

"Fuck..." She muttered. "I'm such a mess..."

WORD COUNT: 1,376

I listened to this while writing, I thought it fit.