White in Full Colors
An excerpt from A Walking Canvas Special Chapter

Every day, I still wonder how things have come to this point. Because clearly, I know this woman deserves more than what I gave her. Waking up each day with her face radiating me first thing in the morning feels so illegal and that I don't deserve it. She feels so expensive that it fears me to even just hold her hand, afraid that if I'll do I might damage and cause her harm.

I have made countless mistakes, ones that could be the reasons for us to fall apart. Sins that I have committed where I ended up disrespecting her. But still, she chose to forgive and move forward. I was forgiven, but the guilt would always be there. It still haunts me every time I hold her hand during our walks. It still chokes me up every time I hug her thinking that I once made her cry. Even up to this moment, I could still feel the guilt and pain in my heart as if I was being tortured with a sharp knife. Because I know, I once caused her pain. I was once a villain.

"Message delivered, bro," Kervin informed as he entered the room with a big smile. Tiningnan ko siya mula sa malaking salamin na kaharap ko. I saw him raise a white envelope secured with a lace ribbon. "Her reply," he said with a grin.

"Thanks, man," I replied.

Inabot niya sa akin iyon, bahagya nang nakasimangot. "Bakit ba naging utusan ako ngayon?"

Bahagya akong natawa. "Bro, ginagawa mo lang iyong role mo. Alam mo solusyon diyan?"

"I'm out of here. Bibili lang akong soft drinks." Walang lingon na lumabas siya ng okupado naming kuwarto. Asar-talo talaga kahit kailan.

Pinagtuunan ko nang pansin ang hawak nang maiwan akong mag-isa. Kanina, wala akong makapang kaba sa dibdib ko. All that I could feel was excitement and joy. But feeling the crisp texture of the paper caused my uneven breathing and rapid heartbeat. I tried calming my nerves, but I don't think that would even be possible.

Despite my trembling hands, my blurry vision, and my nervous heart, I opened the letter and read it.

My love, Devyn.

I am writing this letter last. I just finished my letters to my parents and my best friends. If ever you'll see stains on this paper, that's because I've been bawling my eyes out since last night that I'm writing these letters. I hope you would feel my sincerity through this, love. :)

People say a bride would feel wedding blues the night before her wedding, that she'd feel nervous from the moment she woke up and while preparing for the big day. However, none of that came to me. From the moment we started preparing for this up to this day that our wedding was just a few minutes away, I am at peace. Bakit ako kakabahan, eh, ikaw naman ang pakakasalan ko? Funny how I imagined myself getting pale while getting my makeup done for this day but did not actually happen.

Simply, I am happy. I am at peace knowing that you would be there at the altar waiting for me. I know that, just like how you have always been, you would not disappoint me. Hindi ka naman siguro magiging runaway groom, 'di ba?

This isn't my vow, but I just wanted to thank you for everything you have done so far. I might forget to say these words later that's why I am writing it to you now. You've taken care of me so much that I forgot how to care for myself. You became my shield, my protector, and my anchor. You've taken all the bad things just to show me only the good ones. You help me stood firmly despite my wobbly feet. But I could now stand on my own now, not just somewhere dark and lonely places that I was always comfortable with. Now, I could stand in the middle of the crowd and not mind their stare. I could now wear any clothes I want and not mind them staring at my skin.

Finally, I have accepted who I am.

I now love myself, Devyn.

I've grown so much, haven't I? I no longer have to hide behind my hoodies, love. Nabura na ang lahat ng agam-agam ko sa sarili ko. But do you know what I like most about the changes in my life? That was me, loving you completely. Wala na iyong duda ko, burado na iyong takot ko, at kampante na ako. Dahil alam kong mananatili ka. At alam kong iyong pagmamahal ko sa iyo kaya kong dalhin hanggang sa aking huling hininga.

I am looking forward to the following days, months, and years that I'd get to spend with you and our family with the complete me. Thank you for being one of those who stood behind me. Thank you for being one of the few people who pat my shoulders for a job well done. Thank you... thank you.

I will see you later, not just as Devyn, but as my husband-to-be.

I love you, my man, my savior.

Love, Bliss Audrey

If it was still possible to fall even harder than what I feel for her now, that would be the perfect description of how I feel right now. Because that's what I feel at this moment, I feel more in love. I am drunk with love for my woman.

I tightly shut my eyes, but a tear still slipped away. Imbes na tuyuin iyon ay hinayaan ko ang pagdaloy no'n sa pisngi ko. I want to feel its warmth for it just shows how willing I am to cry for my love.