I had a restless sleep last night. Snape snored and moaned in his sleep all fucking night. 

Slut.

Actually, Snape would be the opposite of a slut, since he will never do it with anyone except maybe Dumbledore.

Actually, if you think about it, Snape and Dumbledore would make a good couple...

WHAT DID I JUST THINK? EW EW EW! GET OUT OF MY MIND! NO THAT’S GROSS! NO!

I really want to describe what I'm thinking about to you so that you will be sickened for the rest of your life. But I won’t because I love you.

Who am I talking to?

HANNAH WHY ARE YOU READY MY THOUGHTS?

GO AWAY!

ANYWAY!!

Snape and I walked down to the great hall for breakfast and I sat with him at the Slytherin table.

I wrote that in bold because I’m rebellious.

Wait. Wrote? Am I writing a secret diary? BRAIN WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHY ARE YOU IN MY SKULL? WHAT ARE YOU HIDING?!

Ignoring the glares from the others Slytherins, I picked up a spoon, and found some Nutella and dug in.

"You're pathetic." Snape smiled at me.

"Yeah! says the one who can’t get over a girl!" I said. 

Snape frowned.

"Oh shit. I'm really sorry!" I said bashing my face against the container of Nutella angstily.

Snape's eyes lingered over to the Gryffindor table where Lily was eating some toast. "I messed up Willow."

"Yeah you did!" I need to shut up. Why am I so mean?

"Can you help me?" he looked at me with those sad black eyes.

"Uuuuuhhhhhh. No it’s too far." I whined.

"What?"

“No, Sev.”

“Why not!? I thought we were friends?!”

“Because you’re not my biological father.”

“What?”

"Fine. I'll help you. But you can't date her. Only friends okay?" I said shuddering at the thought of having Snape as a dad.

After breakfast, I magicked up some llamas, and we galloped into potions looking awesome. 

Slughorn was teaching us about a potion that could read minds. It was really weird. Snape, top of the class, finished his potion in a heartbeat. 

"Well done Snape!" Cheered Sluggy, after testing the potion to see if it worked."You can drink it and read people’s minds for about five minutes." he told him. "Want to give it a go?"

Snape nodded and drank the purply blue substance. He shuddered at the taste, then smiled. He looked at me. I could tell he was trying to read my mind. I don’t think it worked because he looked at little dizzy.

The potion couldn’t handle my mind. I feel invincible. Wouldn’t be the first time eh?

When Snape wasn't looking, I drank the potion, and looked at Snape trying to read is mind. 

"Should I watch porn tonight?" He thought. "I'll watch it at lunch instead so I can stay awake during history of magic."

I was horrified.

Snape watches porn.

Snape watches porn.

SNAPE WATCHES PORN

FUCK

EW

Im gonna have to call señor pornodo from now on.

This is more disturbing than finding out that Canadian llamas aren’t kind...LIKE WHO DOES THAT?

After the disturbing potions class, I went to DADA With the gryffies. I hung out with Lily.

"Why don’t you just say hi?" I asked her.

See, that’s me, being nice. I'M HELPING A FIREND! Maybe Snape will be a better person if Lily likes him again. And maybe he'll stop watching porn.

"Why do you need to hold a grudge?" 

"He is weird Willow! He is going to become a death eater! Not to mention the stuff he watches." She whispered.

McG came over. "What’s going on?" she asked, giving me a death glare. She still hates me. She reeeeallly needs to calm her tits.

"N-Nothing professor." said Lily.

“I’m trying to make Lils here re-befriend Snape, over there, so he doesn’t become a Death Eater and sell her and her husband and child out to Tom Riddle. Gosh. Keep up.”

“Refrain from speaking in my presence.” McGonagall said, leaving with a final glare of hatred.

“What the fuck.” Lily sighed. “Do you even slightly think about what you say before you open your mouth?”

“I don’t have a filter. I lost it in a bet.” I shrugged. “Anyway. Please? Trust me. If you do this, it will make everything better, seriously!"

"No Willow."She said sternly reminding me of shemione.

Shemione

Shemione

SHEMIONE COME BACK TO ME!!

"Shemione!" I accidentaly said alloud. 

"What?" Said lily.

"Nothing."

The rest of the day I was trying to get Lily to change her mind about Snape. It wouldn’t work. She's so stubborn! 

Uhhhhhhhhhhh this is so hard.

I decided to give up on Lily, and went to talk to Señor pornodo.

"No! That’s stupid!" Señor said.

He just dissed my awesome llama idea.

"I'm not dancing around in a llama costume." He argued.

"Why? It won my heart over, why wouldn't it work on Lily?" I said remembering that time George danced around in a llama costume. 

We talked for another hour before we came up with an odea that might change her mind about Señor Pornodo.

I still can't believe I’m doing this for my least favourite teacher before he inadvertently killed my parents and became my least favourite teacher...And he watches porn...

At breakfast next day, I went to sit next to Lily. I looked behind me and nodded at Snape. 

"Lily, can I talk to you?" 

She nodded. This is the dumbest plan ever. 

Snape watched me leave with Lily and followed. Still a dumb plan.

"What is it?"

"Hold on." 

Snape came out of the great hall. Lily looked pissed off. "What do you want?" she spat.

"To apologise." Said Snape.

I secretly walked away like a ninja, and went back to the great hall to eat food and stuff. 

"I haven't seen you for a while." Said James with a mouthful of sausage. 

"Yeah. I've been hanging out with Snape." 

James' face turned from happy to disgusted. "Snape? Snivellus Snape?"

"Correction-Señor pornodo" I said.

Suddenly, Snape and Lily burst into the great hall, happier than ever. Particularly Snape. That’s not weirdest or the worst of it though, because SNAPE AND LILY WHERE HOLDING HANDS!!!!

FUCK

FUCK

FUCK

NO

THAT WASNT THE PLAN

NO

NO

NO

NO

NO

Lily goes up to James "I’m breaking up with you."

James looked furious. even worse, "You where setting Snape up with my girl friend?"

"No! James I didn’t!"

"Bullshit." he spat. He left the table in a huff.

I am going to punch Snape.

No wonder no one likes him.

Fuck

I TOLD YOU IT WAS A BAD PLAN!!

I grabbed Snape by the hair, ignoring Lily, and dragged him outside of the hall.

"WHAT THE FUCK SEVEROUS SNAPE YOU JUST FUCKED EVERYTHING UP! THAT WASNT THE GOD DAMN PLAN YOU DOUCHE!"I screamed.

"Sorry."

"SORRY DOSNT CUT IT BUCKO! JESUS! I TOLD YOU THAT YOU CANT ASK HER OUT! YOU CANNOT! OH MON DIEU! FRANCHEMENT BAISE SNAPE MERDE! TU EST SI NUL!" I started screaming the last bit in French. I didn’t even know I spoke French...

I stormed out of the castle trying to calm down. Now after all this hard work of trying to make Snape happy, I have to ruin him again so that he wont be my dad! Well this should be fun...

=========================

IM SORRY ITS SHORT BUT I WROTE THIS IN A CAR AND I HAD REALLY BAD WRITERS BLOCK UHHHHH! 

 I dont even think that made sense sorry...

 ummmm yeah read my book and stuff yeah....

 -Dobby_Lives_On