Percy Jackson

I felt disgusting, in one word. No matter how many showers, cold or hot, that I took, I could still feel him.

It woke me up in the middle of the night because a sound was just loud enough or sounded just right and it... I had three panic attacks just in the middle of the night that night.

Chiron wanted Apollo to do a medical check up on me and I didn't really say anything outside of answering the basic questions for what he didn't know.

He tried to touch me and it freaked me out. Not even in like a suggestive way or by anything. Just like, I think he was going to take my pulse and I back up a bit and curled up because I didn't want people touching me.

I already felt gross and like he was all over me. Contact made it worse.

"Percy, it's okay, I'm not going to like stab you with a scalpel or anything." The former god assured me, but that wasn't the problem. "I just need your pulse and to look at your eyes and stuff. Basic check up stuff."

But he reached out again I scooted back further because I felt his fingers and it freaked me the fuck out. I shook my head in panic.

"Okay, okay, I won't..." He said slowly, sounding concerned and confused. "I'm sure your blood pressure and stuff is still okay, we'll just skip that stuff."

I think he asked me more stuff after that, I don't really know. I zoned out, kind of freaking out and and he was gone and Nico was there and it confused me.

How did he even know I was here?

He was attempting to soothe me, not with any physical contact, thank gods. Annabeth bad been here when I woke up this morning and she was in bed and playing with my hair and the first thing I did this morning was have a panic attack because I thought it was him.

We're not together, but she's a touchy person and sometimes when I feel like shit it's nice. But other times, like this, it sucks.

I calmed down, though, now just exhausted from having a panic attack. Nico was sitting by the bed on a chair, looking worried.

"Hey, are you alright?" Nico asked me, which... So far Chiron hasn't really done. He's asked about my mom a lot. Not really about me. And I kind of shrugged because I don't know how to feel outside of disgusting. Gross.

"Well hey, it's going to be alright." He tried to assure me. "I don't know the full story but... That photo looked really bad."

When he said that, I kind of freaked out for a second. Because if Nico saw it, then all of camp...

"You saw...?"

"It was just Leo, Piper, and I." The son of Hades assured me. "leo recovered everything and it was open and yeah... That's pretty shitty. We should've sent somebody with you, that was dumb on camps behalf."

"No, nobody else thought... I didn't think it through." I insisted. "I knew Medusa's victims were back and I should've been smart and called Mom but I didn't and... Now she'll never be able to have sex again which means she won't have another kid like they wanted and..."

"Percy, this isn't on you." He tried to assure me. "Nothing was your fault. Chiron is doing everything he can, I'm sure. Okay? Don't blame yourself. Did he see you or do anything...?"

"I mean... Yeah," I was honest because Chiron hasn't been asking about it. "He did. I couldn't... I froze, Nico. I've never... Been scared like that."

"Naturally," he agreed that that would be terrifying. "I mean, if some random dude just came and—"

"He wasn't a random guy, though," I tried to explain to him. "I knew him. He was... He was my mom's ex husband and they never got divorced but he was turned to stone by Medusa after he like threatened my mom and so he was gone but now Medusa's back so he is and I didn't think about it until I saw it and... I'm afraid of like nothing, but he scares the shit out of me, Nico. I freeze around him."

I started to tear up because this fucking sucks, honestly. I'm 17, almost 18 years old and I'm fucking terrified of intimacy at least right now because uh, I was raped. By my old step dad. Who abused me.

This hurts. And now that I've said who he is... I'll be looking over my shoulder constantly. Just waiting for him to find a break in camps border and... That's it.

I was going to come out this summer and now... Now I'm not. Because I was going to ask someone out and now I can't even handle being touched by someone. I can't do it.

"Hey, it's okay," he said again, but it wasn't because this ruins everything for me. "I'll be back, alright?"

Maybe a minute after Nico left, Grover showed up, looking a bit more worried than Nico was. I'm sure he knows less than Nico did. He wasn't there when they found the photo. You know, the one that showed that my mom was raped?

"Hey, Perce," Grover said, earning my attention as he knocked on the door lightly. "Am I good to come in?"

"Uh, yeah," I told him, shrugging. "I'm not doing anything right now, so go for it."

My best friend sat down and like, I felt like shit because he knew nothing. I haven't talked to him since I left yesterday. I don't think he saw me come in here sobbing because of what happened last night like right before dinner. I didn't have any dinner last night, I tried and threw it up. I skipped breakfast because I had a panic attack and now it's almost lunch time and Chiron said he'd bring food back so I'm nervous.

"When did you get back?" Grover asked me, just curious. "Did you end up like staying overnight with your mom or... Is she okay? Chiron said she sounded kind of freaked out when she called. I didn't see you at dinner or anything. Breakfast."

I was going to respond, but it just swelled in my chest and I was already tearing up a few minutes ago it just...

It hurts, I already said that. But it's there random instances when I think about it too hard or too much or sometimes it's out of nowhere and I'll just cry. My throat closes off and my chest swells up and I feel like I can't fucking breathe until I cry and sob. So I just shook my head in response and cried in front of my best friend. Which I don't do.

After all, it's just because I'm not a crier. I get upset, but then I'm just quiet and feel like weird and bleh. I don't cry. It's not because I feel like I can't. I can.

And right now, I am.

Sitting there, my legs crossed, my arms crossed, I fucking lost it. I couldn't stop. I was too out of it to even care or react when Grover came over and pulled me into a hug. Just trying to be a good friend.

Nothing makes me feel shittier than knowing that nothing will be done because he'll murder is if we even try to bring him to court because I won't be able to defend myself and neither will my mom. At least, after this, I don't think she will.

But who knows, maybe he used to do this to her all the time. I wouldn't know. She never talked about it. I doubt she will now, even if I do and tell her what he did to me.

It's a useless fight. And I hate that.