"You can comfortably live on these returns for the next ten years." My auditor said, attention glued to her screen.

That was an unexpected news. It didn't help that I was already feeling like a criminal. It had been only ten minutes and I had thought twice about leaving her office. That wouldn't do. This was my future. I owed it to myself to plan. It wasn't criminal to want to quit my job. I was forty years old. I needed this.

I steeled myself and asked. "Ten years? What about any big expenses?"

"Of course, I considered the usual milestones. A marriage, a kid or two, a house. We could liquify some assets depending on your plans. With your current lifestyle, you would still be buffered enough to use the returns of your other investments."

"I can't believe this." It meant I had no excuse to postpone.

She laughed, pushing her laptop away. "Why not? You should know this. What did you think was happening to your big paychecks? You don't have any worrisome habits. In fact it is the opposite. This month you have made only three debits from your spending account."

I took a moment. "Three?"

I bought some underwear last week. I didn't want to ruin the ones Ash had bought for me for the Australia tour. He had made a big haul saying 'Nick, you need other colors in your life'. Shirts, shorts and underwear. I hadn't worn the shirts or shorts after we came back from the tour. They were bright colors with a strong vacation vibe, not suitable for my work. But the boxer briefs...

They were different. They were muted colors with tiny prints of cherries and bananas. One even had little hearts on strings. I loved all of the ten prints. I had to stop using them as daily wear since I was worried that they would lose their softness and become faded. So I bought some new underwear from my regular brand.

The second expense was a recurring one I started recently. It's the monthly donation for Ash's new trust for primary school kids. I was moved beyond words when he pitched the plan for the trust. Usually charity wasn't something he put his heart into. He often did it on Henry's advice. Mostly for tax benefits as fundraiser concerts. Occasionally one or the other celebrity would rope him into a charity event and he would give a generous check. That's the extent of his good will.

'Bread Crumbs' - Ash's new trust was born out of his own interest. Henry thought it was for a bet. I had my doubts about that theory. The kind of effort Ash had put out for the trust was equal to what he put for his music. He had numerous meetings with local NGO and non profit organizations before finalizing the trust. The most telling of all was there was no press release. The trust got registered on his mother's maiden name and only Henry and I knew about his involvement. The trust ran a food bank for little kids and there was no eligibility criteria pertaining to the family's wages. If you were a kid and you were hungry you could have the food. The chosen schools were skeptical of the idea and the practical challenges. After all, even kids with full tummies would become suddenly hungry if they smelt cheese. How could anyone possibly determine if they were feeding the deserving kids? But in the pure Ash way, he simply didn't care about the additional mouths. He found solutions and counter arguments and additional funds to meet all the challenges head on.

I was awed by his determination and perseverance for a selfless cause. He hadn't asked me to donate. But he had asked me to go to one of the schools with a trustee on the first day. From the queue in front of the counter, I could easily pick out the kids who would benefit from Ash's meal program. Their hope filled eyes and hollowed cheeks were testimony enough. I set up a recurring payment for the trust that same day.

"I remember making only two." I said aloud.

She finally turned from her screen to look at me. "My quarterly fee, Mr. Glenli."

Oops.

"Sorry."

She smiled. "That's okay. As long as you don't forget to pay, that is."

I nodded and leaned on the desk. "Hypothetically, say, if I quit my job today, I don't have to worry about anything for ten years."

"Exactly. You are ready for retirement if you don't plan on having kids and continue the current trend. Even kids won't hinder much. We can set up something now for their future."

"Whoa. Slow down." My hands were sweaty. Irrationally, even thinking about all of this felt like a betrayal. I couldn't shake off the nagging thought.

I'm betraying Ash.

I bit down on it. This wasn't betrayal. I would explain it to him. He would understand. Hopefully.

The money part was still throwing me off. I knew I had money. I hadn't known how much. I hadn't had a reason to check till now.

Why would I?

No car. No time for entertainment. No family or friends to give frivolous gifts. I didn't even pay for my room or food.

All these years I was just mooching off of my client while fattening up my bank account. Should I start paying rent? That wouldn't go well.

"There must be some reason for your visit. I was surprised when I saw your appointment. We don't meet unless I want your signature."

For a second, I didn't want to voice it. I didn't want to make it true. I remembered the resolve I made in Australia. I cleared my throat and said. "I'm thinking of taking a break. A year or so."

My heart felt light. Yes, finally.

She nodded. "That's good. Everyone needs a break. Assets on paper won't mean a thing if you don't get to enjoy their benefits."

That's what I liked about her. She was more than a financial manager.

"I haven't made any plans yet. Just that may be a house? Somewhere far away." I always had a fantasy of settling down in Europe. Maybe I could. The figures were indeed good.

"Take your time. You are well built. I mean..." she laughed looking me up and down. "Both financially and physically."

"I had help for both. I thank you for the finance side." I should thank Henry as well. He was the one who introduced me to her and forced me to set up all the different accounts.

"Anytime. I love playing with your money."

I chuckled and bid her goodbye.

The first step of my plan was done. The next step was talking to Ash about my plan.

The Australia tour had given me a taste of what could be.

I would like to make it a reality with some obvious, necessary changes.

All the leisurely fun plus a lover minus work minus Ash .

Yes, I needed it.

There had been some troubling realizations and feelings when we were there.

I was too controlling of Ash. I wasn't aware of how much until we started the vacation phase of the tour. I was too paranoid to let him do anything fun.

I shot down his idea of a camel ride saying it was dangerous.

Tolan had laughed and told, 'you worry like my mom.'

In the end I was the one who couldn't get down from a camel.

When Ash wanted to ride a rollercoaster which had more bumps and twists than imaginable I outright said no. Just the thought of him on such a monster of a machine made my stomach sick with worry.

Rob had reminded me in a whisper, 'he is twenty three, Boss.'

I let Ash ride all he wished.

When he wanted to go zip lining from one of the tallest mountains, I had shivers.

Sebastian gently pointed out, 'it is one of the most exhilarating experiences. Where else is he going to get it?'

I had struggled to keep my eyes open the whole time he was hanging on the line. I had been terrified.

And when he wanted to dive into the waterfalls I was ready to lock him in a room and throw away the keys. It took all of my will power to be rational and logical. It took years out of my life to act like I was okay with it.

Overall I was proud of how I hid my misgivings and controlling tendencies and how I handled all the nerve-racking situations involving Ash and adventures.

When I had time to think, I acknowledged that I took my bodyguarding duty too seriously. I cared too much about him to the point of confining him. It wasn't healthy.

And there was the martini. And feelings. I wasn't ready to acknowledge it yet. Not even in the safety of my own mind. Not yet.

***

"Come again?"

I locked my phone. I was scrolling through the bank statements my auditor sent.

"We have a happy hour at four o'clock in the back lawn." Jonas said.

"I got that. But whose idea was this?"

"Ash's."

I scoffed at that. "Ash? Wanted a party?" He might have made a couple of new friends recently but he still detested crowds.

"It's not a party. It's only for an hour with non alcoholic beverages and food. Good food. It is from Michel's. Ash wants to host all the staff in the house. Including people on later shifts, which is very considerate. I don't want to hear Corey complain about being left out. He loves their steak. Anyways current staff headcount is nineteen. Since we have Martin and his crew today it's twenty two in total."

Martin came to oversee an installment of an upgraded camera system. I was planning to go say hi.

"There are so many things wrong in what you just said. Ash hates parties whatever you name it. He doesn't know most of his staff. And nineteen includes gate guards. Who will keep watch?"

We never hosted a party in this house.

Didn't he say Michel's?

Ash hated spending money. Michel's was a high end steak house.

Jonas shrugged. "We're locking in."

What the fuck?

"Why am I not consulted?" I was gone for just a couple of hours.

"No idea, Boss. I'm just a messenger."

"Let me check with him." I got out of my comfortable chair and walked up the stairs.

"Don't forget. Michel's steak is at stake!" Jonas whisper shouted.

"Right. I can't believe it."

Ash was scribbling on his tablet. I waited for him to finish. He didn't like being interrupted. He said the words inside his head were like clouds. He had to catch them and bottle them before they could pour down as rain or change shape and become something else.

Rob came out of the studio room. I waved for him to come over. We moved to a corner.

"What's this about a party?"

Rob scratched the back of his neck. "Ash wants to. Happy hour sans alcohol."

"Really?"

"Really." Ash said in a long drawl from behind me.

I turned to face him. "You hate parties."

"That's why we're not having a party."

"You hate talking to people."

He grinned. "I won't be talking."

I didn't get it. "What's the purpose?"

He shrugged. "I realized that this house is in fact a machine. It is run by people of different skills. They are the wheels and nuts and bolts and axles and bearings and levers. I should do something to show that I appreciate their hard work."

"When did you think of this?" He must be writing about machines.

He tapped his chin. "Yesterday? No, Wednesday."

I stopped myself before asking the same question I had asked Jonas. Why wasn't I consulted?

If Ash wished to have a happy hour, by all means he should. My duty was to make sure it went without any security hitch. To do that, three hours heads up was more than enough. Wasn't it a good thing that he decided this on his own?

"I hear there is steak." I said.

He hooked his hands around my neck with a chuckle. "Yeah, it was the chef. It's going to be like this. Every bi monthly or so there will be a happy hour. And one of the staff gets to choose a main course from any restaurant of their choice. Katie has this cool app. You can add names and pick one randomly. Chef got picked first. She said he was crying."

"I'm surprised you know Katie by name."

She was the go to person for all clerical stuff.

"I do now. She isn't half bad. I always thought she was an angry lady who had too many kids eating her head at home."

I chuckled at that. "She has two sons, both married and live out of state. Her husband works in produce wholesale."

"How do you know all that?" He cocked his head.

I tapped his nose with my forefinger. "Guess."

His grin was wicked. "Is she your friend? Do all old people in this house convene for evening herbal tea and talk about arthritis?"

Rob, who was drinking water, choked.

Laughing, I pulled Ash's hands away. "Wrong. Keep guessing. I have to oversee the locking in."

He pouted.

Rob was busy wiping his shirt as I left.

"I KNOW! Her husband! Is he your ex?"

I ignored Ash's trailing voice and Rob's exasperated, "Jesus Christ, Ash! It must be from her file!"

Exactly three hours and four minutes later the patio and back lawn was filled with the staff. I wasn't sure anyone even wanted to be here. It was odd. First of its kind. I was told there would be some fun activity. To be hosted by Katie.

I stood next to Ash who was sitting on top of a table with his feet on a chair. He claimed that made him a cool employer. We waited as Katie walked to what was approximately the center of the set up.

There were some circles and bananas on strings.

She clapped her hands to gain attention. "Okay. Hi... I'm Katie. I know. I know. This is super weird." Her voice was surprisingly loud and clear. She took a second and looked around with raised eyebrows. "This is my third year here and I haven't seen some of your faces till now. So, to break the weirdness we are going to have a party game."

Some groans broke out.

"None of that. It's going to be fun. It's called 'How's it hanging '. Heard of it?" She asked with a real twinkle in her eyes.

There were some 'oh, god' and 'oh, no' and more groans.

Ash chuckled.

"Yeah, to be fair we are going to pick three names randomly and the fourth is our beloved chef. Since he got picked earlier today."

"Oh, no." Mateo, our chef covered his face in his hands.

"Oh, yes." Katie giggled. "Okay, Ash, please do the honors."

Ash extended his hand and got the tablet and tapped on the screen. A shrilling sound came from the tablet followed by a kid's voice. 'Yasmine.'

"Oh, God." Yasmine breathed behind me. She worked as a maid and kitchen help. A young girl who kept to herself.

Well, I thought Katie was shy and quiet. Maybe Yasmine would also prove me wrong.

She moved to the center.

Another shrill. 'Tolan.'

Ash pumped his fists. "YES!"

Tolan bowed to the audience and took the center with a shit eating grin.

The next shrill was for, 'Robin.'

The staff looked at each other.

I raised my eyebrows at him when he made no move on his own. How I knew where he stood among the others, I didn't know.

He straightened from the wall he was leaning on with an awkward smile. It was evident he didn't want to be at the center.

"BUFFY!!!" Ash screamed, a hand over his open mouth.

Every head turned to Ash. He didn't care. He was still looking wide eyed at Rob.

"What is it?" I asked quietly.

"I... how did I not know his name?"

Before I could think of a response, Katie clapped again.

"Now that we have the chosen the contestants, let's get to the rules."

She picked a banana. "You see this?" She pointed at the string tied around the stem of the banana. "You have to tie the other end around your hip. Use the banana to push the orange into your circle. You have sixty seconds! Questions?"

There were many.

After ten minutes of back and forth questions and answers and amendments and protests, I got the gist of the game.

The banana would be like an extended dick hanging between the legs, twelve inches above the ground. Without involving their hands they have to propel their allotted oranges at their feet to the circle drawn at the other side of the paved lawn.

I could see why it would be a party game. It would be embarrassing unless the participant owned it and gave their all to the game.

I could imagine only Tolan doing that. This would be painful to watch the others.

Ash was getting excited. His feet started bouncing on the chair as the participants started donning their bananas.

They stood shoulder to shoulder in a line.

Mateo, Yasmine, Tolan, Rob.

A banana each hanging beneath them. Front and center.

I bit back a smile at the different expressions on their faces. It ranged from mortification to glee.

Thank God, I wasn't picked.

Katie took the tablet from Ash. "As requested, it's going to be two minutes. Let the best best hanging banana win! Ready, steady, go!"

They started moving.

Nothing happened. The bananas barely made contact with their oranges.

The onlooking staff started snickering.

"Use your hips! Tolan, you know how!!" Martin shouted from his perch on a patio step.

I glared at him because I was laughing because Tolan started shimmying his hips in a very lewd way.

The other three watched him in fascination as his orange rolled forward.

"That's right!" Martin clapped. He was as ever, a competitive ass.

Tolan let out a whoop.

And everybody started moving their hips. It was hard to follow all of them.

Somebody shouted, "thrust forward, I want more! Give me more!"

Yasmine started laughing at that and unwittingly nudged on Mateo. Who lost his precarious footing and fell on Katie.

Katie righted him, "you got this, chef. Go on."

Mateo tried.

Yasmine tried.

Tolan excelled.

Rob... fuck... fuck... fuck... those hips were made for rocking back and forth. But his heart wasn't into the game. He was barely shaking his body.

Tolan changed that. He changed the whole mood of the lawn.

He started dancing. He brought in a swag to his steps. He made wide circles with his hips hitting both Yasmine and Rob.

"Hey..." Yasmine shouted.

"Fuck off." Rob growled.

But the staff started chuckling. A man dancing with a low hanging banana was funny.

"Loosen up, guys! Let's fuck this orange to oblivion." Tolan made another front hip thrust and his orange obeyed his command to move forward.

Ash put up his hands, "yes! Yes!"

When Tolan tried his hip circle again Rob thrust his body to his right and blocked Tolan.

"That's my boys!" Martin clapped gleefully.

That praise must have helped Rob. His stance changed.

And the real game began.

Rob was moving his hips. It was... sensual. As if he was conveying his love to the orange via his banana. Shit, did I just think that? I didn't even have a martini to blame.

I quickly moved my attention to Mateo. He was the only one who was trying to stay serious about the game. He was biting his lip in concentration and bending his knees to make the banana swing correct.

Katie cheered him. Yasmine cheered him and then promptly proved me wrong on her character judgement. She took what Tolan did and upped it several notches.

She put her hands above her head in a classic dance move and shook her hips up and down. Her top rode up a little.

A belly dance.

Too many cat calls went up.

When all of us were tranced, she did sudden hip thrusts to the sides that sent Tolan and Mateo stumbling for purchase.

Ash's giggles ringed in my ears as my own laughter overshadowed others.

Everybody was laughing and clapping. Yasmine flushed bright but she had her eyes on her orange.

"This is war!" Tolan screamed and was sent to the floor by Rob. Another roar of laughter rocked the ground.

"Fuck! Did you see that! Buffy! Damn his hips!" Ash said, awed.

I was awed too. Rob was effortlessly swinging his hips on all sides. His height was making it easier for him to maneuver against Tolan who was now thirsting for revenge.

Now Tolan and Rob were fighting with their hips. Hitting each other bananas by swaying their lower body. Rob had completely immersed himself into the movements.

Their knees were bumping and bodies were shaking with fits of laughter. They were two crazy kids who invented their own game. It was hard to steer my gaze away from Rob's carefree laughing face.

I did steer my attention to the other duo. They weren't faring very well either.

Mateo and Yasmine were trying to hinder each other's progress and were failing miserably to stand on their own.

There was so much sound.

Laughter.

Whistles.

Martin's screams to focus.

The two minute timer went off to witness all oranges far away from their designated circles and twenty plus flushed faces.

"That went well!" Katie grinned. "Is it suddenly hot in here?" She fanned herself and received generous chuckles as response.

Mateo blushed.

Yasmine blushed.

Rob blushed.

Tolan blew her a kiss.

Ash blew him a kiss.

I was happy.

This was good. Good way to bond. The lawn buzzed with a chatter that was missing when this hour started.

"Now onto the next event of the evening." Katie started.

Everyone perked up.

Katie ate up the anticipating stares. "Know your colleague. Before you all groan, it's not the usual one. We will choose only one person and get to know something about them that would change our perspective of them. For today we had a poll and asked a question to two people from each of the departments. They all answered the same."
She paused and looked around.

"What was the question?" Someone asked.

"Who are you most afraid of?" Katie said.

Oh, did they all answer Ash? I would not allow anyone to ask him any personal questions.

"Before I reveal the name, I want you all to remember this is to help us debunk the myth if any and get to know the person. I am personally super terrified of him. I hope it changes after this evening." Katie paused again.

I moved closer to Ash.

Katie, in a voice I was more familiar with, uttered the name I was not expecting to hear.

"Mr. Nicholas Glenli."

A hushed silence followed her announcement.

Ash clapped, grinning at me. Martin joined.

The silence broke.

Were they all really scared of me? It was good for my job. But two of the boys too?

"Um... Mr. Glenli, can you please come forward?" Katie asked.

Ash laughed. "Call him Nick!"

I nodded. "Yes, please." In a few steps I stood next to her.

"Okay, thanks. As I said, this is an open forum. We just want to know something about you that tells us that you are more than the man who scares the shit out of everyone." Katie said and looked around for support.

I wanted to laugh.

Ash had a hand over his mouth struggling to keep quiet.

"Is that so?" I asked in a haughty, false tone. I narrowed my eyes at her. "Are you going to ask me questions?"

Ash lost it and the boys snickered.

I could have pulled the whole big, bad man act and would have cemented their fear for me for years to come if Martin had stayed quiet.

He did not. He opened his meddling mouth.

"Knock it off, Nicky!"

I turned to glare at him. He waved it away. "I know what you should ask him, my sweet lady. Once he does it you will never look at him the same way again!"

"NO." I thundered.

Katie moved away.

Martin chuckled. "Oh, please. It will be fun."

"What is it?" Seb asked.

"I want to know!" Ash thumped on the table.

My shoulders sagged.

Martin grinned in victory. "In school, Nicky was famous for his love monologue -a cheesy proposal. He could whip up the most sweet words for complete strangers and make them fall for it too with his delivery. It is difficult to find fault in what he says. You won't be able to separate truth from lie. He is such a logical romantic. I know not one person who could resist the pull of his words."

I had a perfectly reasonable urge to choke him with my bare hands.

All faces around me had wide eyes.

"Okay. Are we done now?" I asked, trying to shake off the attention.

Martin smirked. "Not so fast. Your colleagues need proof. Don't you all want to see him in action?" He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

Many heads bobbed. Ash nodded like his head would fall off if he stopped bobbing.

I sighed. I might as well do it. "Okay. One."

"Five." Martin said.

"Two."

"Four."

I glared at him. "Three. No more, Marty. I'm warning you." I did have a reputation to keep up.

"What are we counting?" Katie asked tentatively.

Martin replied. "Nick has agreed to give three speeches. You can choose anyone. Or better yet, any volunteers?"

To my utter shock many hands went up. I glared at Jonas-he had both his hands up. He just shrugged.

"Look at that, many adoring fans for you. How about you, my dear?" Martin pointed at Sylvia.

She stepped out eagerly.

Okay. I could do this. Bonding. Not that it mattered. I would be gone soon. Real soon. Once I told Ash.

I closed my eyes and gathered what I knew about her. In school it was easy. I could always think of something nice about everyone and build on it. I tried the same. Sylvia was an intern. Worked for Kester. Punctual. She had a great smile. That had to do.

I took her hands in mine. She blushed. Fuck, did she fancy me?

"Stay strong, dear girl." Fucking Martin was enjoying this too much.

I cleared my throat. "This may come as a surprise to you. But Sylvia, I knew you from the day you stepped inside this house."

"That's because you got her NDA." Martin guessed.

I ignored him and tried to stay in the role. "You were wearing a sky blue top and grey skirt."

She let out a squeak. "You remember!"

It was her ID photo that we kept for record. If I put a little effort I could tell everyone's file photo attire.

I smiled. "How could I not? You changed my life. My days don't start before eight o'clock because that's when I get to see you. The second you walk in, my heart lights up."

"Oh my God." She pulled a hand away and hid her face.

"HE IS GAY." Ash shouted.

Sylvia laughed in surprise. "Oh, fuck me. This feels too real. I can't. My face is burning up. You are really good."

I bowed, letting her other hand go.

"I want to go next." Katie said.

"No. We should get a guy. Volunteers?" Martin called out.

There were more hands than there were in the last round.

Martin picked David. Our gardener.

"Resist his advances, my man." He slapped on David's shoulder.

"He is married." I pointed out.

"He volunteered." Martin countered.

Fair enough.

David was easy to like. This would be a piece of cake.

I took his hands and smiled. He scowled.

It would change, hopefully.

I started in a soft voice. "In my fantasies, when I met the one, I wouldn't be proposing. It was always him. But fate has played a cruel game and took that wish away from me. You are not mine. My brain knows it as the truth. But my poor heart doesn't accept it though." I took a breath, I wasn't sure where I was going with this. He was married for fucks sake.

"The first thing I noticed about you was your plants."

David smiled. That was good.

I ploughed on. "I was there when Ash moved here. All this house had was a barren lawn. Then you came. With you came the spring. The flowers, the butterflies. I used to spend hours watching you tend to the garden. I... it doesn't matter." I shook my head.

"Just tell." David said.

"You are married. I can't. Just know this. You have a place in my heart. A place no one holds. There was no place I'd be than here. At your garden." I smiled wistfully.

David's scowl came back. "But you stomped on my flower bed last April. Some... some of them... I couldn't save them. How can you say you care about me and stomp on what I love?"

Martin cheered. "Attaboy!"

I sighed. David had volunteered to air his grievance.

I looked down at his fingers in my hands. It was dotted with scars and hardened skin patches. "We tend to often hurt the people we care the most about. Sometimes it wasn't on purpose. I was in a hurry that day. I was chasing a nasty guy who thought he could take a photo he wasn't allowed to. I regretted running over your flowers. Yarrows."

"I thought you didn't notice." He whispered. As if in prayer. He loved his plants like babies.

"I did. Golden yellow. Back then I was too ashamed to face you and apologize. I knew my action had hurt you deeply. So I did the only thing I could." I took a deep breath and told him the secret. "It was me who left the aster and lily pots in the shed."

He pulled his hands away in one jerky movement and stared at me. "You did! As I live and breathe! That was you! From where did you get those lilies? They are rare. Nobody had gifted me anything like that ever!"

He barreled into me in a hug. "Thank you! Thank you!"

This was supposed to be fun. But it had turned into a farewell confession session.

"Two for Boss!" Jonas announced.

"Not good for his ego, we need someone strong." Martin said, looking around.

Tolan waved his hand. "I can stay strong!"

I winked at him.

He clutched his heart. "Boss!!!"

The crowd laughed. Tolan could be a clown when he wished.

Rob stood up.

My heart stopped. No... no... no... not him. Anyone. But not him.

It would be too painful. Like Sylvia said, it would be too real.

In school, this whole thing started with Martin. To cover up my slip up, I did one for everyone else as well. In fact I could do it for Martin now. It wouldn't hurt like it did the first time.

Rob's gaze landed on someone beside me.

"Ash." He called.

The relief took my breath away.

"Me?" Ash looked surprised.

"Come on. You have plenty of experience in saying no to love struck fans."

"Yay to me!" Ash jumped down from the table and came running to the center.

I could do a hundred monologues on Ash without losing my mind. It wouldn't hurt me at all.

I grabbed his hands and looked around. Most of the staff knew nothing about Ash. I could tell them what they should know.

It was also essential that nothing got out.

"Listen, all of you." I stopped and made eye contact with all of them as they quieted down. "If I find any audio or video recording or even a simple text about this leaked, you won't be able to find a paying job anywhere in this country." My voice rang out loud in the silence.

"I'm swooning." Ash said.

Katie covered her chuckle with a cough. She wasn't terrified of me anymore.

"You..." I said facing Ash. He smiled sweetly. My heart swelled. He never failed to give me a smile. I loved him. He should know that. When I leave he shouldn't have any bitter feelings.

"I never imagined that a day would come when I could have all of this in the open. Now that I have you in front me, the sole owner of your undivided attention- which I consider a great feat, I wish I prepared for this moment." I paused. I wanted to do this as honestly as I could.

"Ash...life has taught me that love is complex and painful, most importantly not for everyone. I accepted that I was one among the everyone. I didn't go searching for it. What are the chances when there were none for thirty odd years?"

Ash shook his head as if he didn't believe a word.

I continued.

"Then I met you. To you, love is as easy as breathing. You love effortlessly. You showed me how to love like a pro. And wonder of wonders I learned it. Loving you is the easiest thing I've done. You are a pain in my ass, well... figuratively."

There were a few laughs. Ash clutched my fingers harder.

"But standing here, holding your hands in mine feels like a wonderful dream that became true. Because a forever with you doesn't scare me. I know how wonderful it would be. You hold so much joy in you. You know how to turn a dreary day into an exuberant one with your laugh. I have nothing to offer, Ash. Nothing at all. But you are looking at me and smiling at me like I have everything. And I know I won't need anything else if I have you." I finished. My heart hammered against my ribs.

Ash didn't say a word. Slowly, his smile turned into a grin. I wished he would hug me. The silence around us was getting to me.

"Are you done?" He asked, cocking his head.

"Wha-"

He threw his arms around my neck with a loud laugh and saved me from further embarrassment.

The applause erupted then. I closed my eyes and held him. Fuck, this became more real than I imagined.

I let out a sigh and opened my eyes. My gaze landed on Rob. He smiled and gave a thumbs up.

Why were his eyes glassy? Was he crying?

It turned out most of the staff teared up.

When the happy hour wound down, Martin followed me to the terrace to inspect the new cameras.

"Are you sure your last bit was a show?" He asked.

"Which bit?"

"Are you in love with your client?"

I was glad we were alone. "Why the fuck would you ask that?"

Martin shrugged one shoulder. "It's the way you were staring at him. There is love. I know there is love."

I laughed until I coughed. It wasn't funny though. This fucker had stood at that same spot years ago and I had poured out all my love for him and he hadn't seen the love. Now he had!

Martin slapped my back. "I don't think I was the only one. The ladies were shedding happy tears. Seb, my rock of a boy was holding a tissue."

That didn't surprise me. The muted scene of Seb wiping his eyes on a stone bench while Ash was singing for him came to my mind.

"Of course there is love. When I met him, he was this little kid who didn't know why he couldn't stop rubbing his junk. He was so afraid to step out of his room for a whole month. You don't know how far he has come. I would kill for him."

"Nicky." He stared at me disappointed by my declaration..

I slumped on the side wall. "I know. I know. He is a client. But he is family. You won't understand. Leave it."

"You need to get laid."

"See? You don't understand."

"I understand well. You want a forever. You want him in your bed."

I stood up, angry. "This isn't about sex, you bastard!" I gritted out. How dare he!

"Hey, I speak what I see. If what I saw was what others saw then there will be talk."

I counted to ten. But the anger was turning into rage. "Let them talk! Ash won't care! Fuck, he will laugh at their speculations."

"This isn't about him. We are talking about you! Think of your credibility!"

"Fuck credibility! I'm done. I'm fucking done." I turned away. I was tired. Tired of everything.

"Don't say that. All you need is a boyfriend. The talks will automatically die."

"Fuck the talk, Marty. It won't mean shit when I leave."

Martin touched my shoulder. "Leave? Where?"

"I'll tell you when things are ready. I want to punch you so bad right now. Let's go before it happens."

I started down on the stairs without waiting for him.

Fuck him.

Tonight I would tell Ash.

****

It was eleven when he was done for the day. I waited on the couch.

He came from the studio room, saw me and in the next instant he was on my lap, fingers hooked behind my neck. He smiled up at me winningly. "Hey."

I chuckled. "Hi."

"I'm so tired but so pumped up. The song is coming really well. I have a good feeling about this album."

"How many songs?"

"Seven. They all have the same emotion. That's new for me."

"Are they about F?"

His face suddenly dimmed. He hid his face in my neck.

"Did you guys fight?"

He nodded. "Big fight." He mumbled.

"What happened?"

"We...decided to be civil to each other."

I forced his head away and made him face me. "That doesn't sound good."

He licked his lips. "It's not like I wanted to get married. I just wanted us to fuck."

"But you care about her."

"So?"

"You want to make love."

He smiled, his eyes were tired. "Right, it would have been great. I want to make love."

At that moment I was ready to do anything to grant his wish. Wherever this F was, I would find her and fix whatever their problems were.

But that was a foolish notion. They had to fix their own relationship. And some relationships were doomed to stay broken. That was the way of life.

"Even if it doesn't happen with her. It will happen. You will experience how good making love is." I hoped he got that.

"Stop romanticizing sex." He went back to my neck.

He was hurt and he wouldn't talk about it. I didn't know how to console him without knowing the extent of the damage.

"Are you still... you know, in contact with her?"

"Yeah. I don't know. Maybe we will become friends again. I would like that very much." He mumbled the last sentence.

Oh, my boy. "You have already forgiven her."

He burrowed into my body. "It makes me angry. It makes me so angry that... that..."

"You forgave her so easily when she doesn't deserve your forgiveness." I finished for him.

He whipped his head up and stared at me. "Exactly! How can we know if someone deserves forgiveness?"

"You don't."

"Then?"

I placed a hand on his head. "That's the painful part of loving. You get hurt but you forgive and give them another chance hoping that they won't hurt you again but then they do it anyway and the whole cycle repeats again. And because you love them so much you can't let them go."

He blinked. "That's so toxic."

"Yeah." I smiled. "Love is a slow poison."

Ash laughed. "Nicky the cheesy romantic."

I tapped his cheek. "Maybe you should give F another chance."

"Or I could let go of the toxic stuff. I don't think I can handle getting repeatedly hurt. Once was enough. It took so much of my... everything. I also said some hurtful things. Like bad villainous stuff. Also it takes so much effort to remember that we fought and still be angry about it. I just want to laugh and be happy and forget bad things and simply talk in circles like we normally do."

Ash had a life with F I had no clue about. Did they meet on the internet? When did they laugh and talk without my knowledge?

When did they have their big fight? It must have been in New Zealand. He had looked tired and forlorn during the last concert towards the end of the tour. I attributed it to fatigue. I should have paid more attention to him.

"I'm so sorry."

He pursed his lips and shook his head. "I'll get over it. It is just..." he went back to my neck.

I held him. Soon I got lost in my own weariness.

I woke up with a stiff neck and a wet drool patch on my shoulder.

Ash was asleep with open mouth. I carried him to his bed.

'You want him in your bed.' Martin's accusation rang aloud.

Stupid Martin. Ash didn't even bring up my monologue tonight. It wasn't something worth discussing for him. It wasn't a big reveal.

To Ash, my love for him was a given. He had had it always. It was his right. He was safe in that knowledge. No amount of gossip could taint it.

I loved him, he loved me and that was it. Simple.

I suddenly remembered about my plan to tell him about quitting.

I would tell him tomorrow. No, I should give him some time to recover from his break up with the faceless F.

****

A/N: Next chapter will be continuation of this point of view. You can guess why.

It will be out in a few days.