'Take my hand,
Wherever we land
You'll have my love.
Ohh...
Hold my heart,
Whenever we part
You'll have my love.
Ohh...
I'll give you all.
Ohh...
I'll give my all.
Ohh...
Why can't you just...
Take my hand?
Ohh... oohh...'

Ash poured his soul through the speakers and tears trailed down sideways, travelled along my ears to wet the pillow under my head.

The songs he wrote when he started his career were gold. While he still sang with his soul, the lyrics weren't soul touching. I loved his old songs.

Once I had asked him.

"You write three lines and repeat it for three minutes and call it a song?"

He had laughed and said, "yes, that's the current trend."

"I'd rather hear your old ones."

He had kissed my cheek. "Because you're old."

I missed him. I expected it. I also expected it to be brutal. I couldn't spend seven years as someone's shadow and not terribly miss them. When that someone was Ash, it would hit from all levels. Ash knew how.

It had taken us three months to sort everything and hand over my duties to Rob. When my settlement papers came, I couldn't believe what I saw.

Ash had bought me a beautiful, tucked in house in a corner of Slovenia. With the amount of badgering he had done, he would have found me a man too, if he had enough time.

When I packed- to no one's surprise, I had nothing much- Ash stood at the door and watched.

When it was time for goodbyes, he locked himself in his room and refused to open the door. It took all I had to not drop my plan then and there. When I kept knocking he shouted.

"Go away. I'll talk to you later."

But I couldn't go away. I didn't want to leave without a proper goodbye. I wanted one last memory of Ash's bodyguard. So I opened his door with the master key.

He had stood in one corner of the room- fingers fisted, eyes red, face contorted -ready to battle or cry. For the first time since the time we had met, I initiated our hug. He came easily and sobbed like a little kid. I cried too. I needed it. It was my thanks for all the things he gave me. Wherever I went, I'd still belong to him. He was my family.

I had awkward handshakes and hugs with my boys. And with Rob, I didn't want to hug. It was too much. But I did it.

I had fucking done all the fucking right fucking things that fucking night.

I had felt light when I boarded the public plane. After seven years of luxury everything felt different, new.

The villa was my dream come true. I could see the lake and hill tops from almost all of the rooms. It was too big for me- four bedrooms and three and half baths. It had a huge, lovely garden and a terrace pool. I hired a maid for cooking and cleaning and a gardener right away.

I realized lots of things about me in the first few weeks of my new life.

Sleep. I had trouble sleeping. Never did I know that. I always assumed it was the work that kept me up. It was Ash's busy schedule that robbed me of good sleep. I thought I would sleep for whole days now that I was free to do so. But fuck. I barely slept an hour a day for the first week.

It took me a week of tossing and turning and staring at the ceiling to figure out the reason. I couldn't sleep without hearing Ash's voice. That little devil had conditioned me for years and years by following a routine. His voice was the last voice I heard before going to sleep. His goodnight kisses were how my brain knew it was time to sleep. I tested this discovery one night by putting on my earbuds with a playlist of Ash queued up on my phone. I slept like the dead.

Next day I bought the latest home theater system with a ton load of customizations and set it up. I also bought a stereo system just for my bedroom. I started sleeping better after that. His acoustic versions were the best sleeping pills.

The next thing I noticed about myself was that I was always looking around me. Checking corners, security cameras and becoming alert whenever anyone suddenly moved in my line of vision. The security guard in me didn't get the memo about my retirement.

Also, I had no social skills. One night, I went to a local pub which was miles away and could not bring myself to relax enough to talk with anyone. Not that there were many people. Talking with the team was so easy but initiating idle chat with strangers was all another game. I might have had it at some point in my life. Not anymore. Just the thought of making a conversation for the sake of it made me want to hide in my house.

Also, my accessories.

I missed my Secpho piece. I was never without it. Someone was always on the other end and the constant static had been a part of me.

My reliance on my black sunglasses was a shock. I didn't realize how much it helped me to be myself in public. To stare at others critically.

The one accessory I was glad to not wear was my wrist watch. The luxury of not checking my watch every minute almost had me on my knees in a prayer.

But I missed not having a team. They did everything from getting my coffee to collecting my suits from dry cleaning. I was a lazy ass man. Now, if I wanted a decent coffee I had to walk half a mile to get it. The only thing stopped me from getting a coffee maker was the fear that I might get addicted to it.

I spent a month on the house. Bought new stuff, worked with the gardener on some new layouts, tried setting up a lounge next to the pool. But none of it could hold my attention for long. That's how I ended up with my tablet, browsing the internet -social media. I learned about a lot of different stuff and absolutely useless hacks.

That was when I realized I still had an open case.

I decided to find F.

As a first step I created an account in everything I had heard of.

She must be there somewhere. There was no way he met her in person often. I would have known. It must be a long distance relationship. So it was a good plan to search her on social media.

But instead of finding her I found stories about Ash.

I knew a lot about his social media life. How it was portrayed and how his fans drank up everything posted from his dinner menu to his next album. I even knew the rumors that floated around about his relationship with Gino.

But I wasn't ready for what I found.

First one was a short story.

The title was Ash and the reader.

It was funny. I was amused by the way Ash was portrayed.

The story Ash smirked after every sentence, had a cocky swag, he was quiet and standoffish and sexy as hell and went after unavailable girls for fun and made them fall for him, again, for fun.

It was so far off from the real Ash, I was laughing often and felt entertained, so I continued reading other stories.

That was how I found the darkness.

There was a full screen photo of him with an open shirt showing a generous amount of his chest and stomach. And the story was about how the reader wanted to kiss and devour his body.

After reading it, I was watching that photo for a solid five minutes wondering when he got toned like that. Also I was turned on by the story I read. It was absurd to see that I wasn't even in control.

Then I clicked on some weirdly named tag and read a variety of the same thing. Having sex with Ash. That's the theme. And the authors were quite knowledgeable of his private body parts. Like the birthmark on his left inner thigh. But thankfully they didn't know anything about his actual sex life. Still I was spooked enough to spend a week on the internet sifting through all the search results from various websites. There were a lot of new photos taken after I left. With each new photo, I found myself staring a bit longer. Looking for things that had changed in Ash during my absence.

When I realized what I was doing I got indignant on behalf of Ash. How dare they objectify him like that? Just because he was a celebrity, could anyone do anything with his pictures? He was more than these photos!

Did they know how he got upset if he had to wet his hair? All they knew was that he looked hot with water dripping from his hair. I was the one who had to towel him until it was dry.

These people knew nothing about him and yet acted like they had the right to do anything with his photos. It made me sad that Ash didn't have the privacy that everybody else took for granted.

Mostly Ash didn't mind. 'I'm mysterious, Nick.' he would say.

Fuck, it shouldn't hurt this much, missing him. But it did.

Yesterday, after three and half months of my retirement, I found a guy and finally had sex in his hotel room. I wasn't ready to let anyone into my house. Yeah, apparently I'm territorial. Who knew?

I met him in the coffee shop. It took one shared look between us for him to make the move. He was short, stout and looked about my age with receding hairline.

"Hey," he said.

"Hey," I said.

"Local?" He asked.

"Yes, you?" I asked.

"Spain. Here for a wedding."

"Good."

"Good."

"Single?" I asked. Because it's one of the golden rules of hook ups. Right next to protection.

"Divorced." He lifted his hand and showed me the finger where a ring used to be. The pale line was already fading.

"You?" He asked.

"Free." I placed my hand on the table for him to see and wondered if I was really free and added, "but not looking for anything-"

He placed his hand over mine. "I understand."

That was that.

Sex in bed was fantastic. It made all my other struggles worth it. It reminded me why I retired. But the encounter left me craving. This wasn't the way to find a potential partner. I should open up and date. But I wasn't ready.

With the speed I was going, it would take another year for me to actually date anyone. There was a constant restlessness I couldn't get rid off.

I sighed, the stereo system had stopped. I pressed replay and closed my eyes again.

Ash hadn't called me once. Rob called me every few days with mundane excuses. Like which turn to take from Concert Hall to avoid traffic. It was his way of checking on me and I was grateful for the simple contact he offered.

I sometimes entertained myself by thinking about asking him about his girlfriend to know if they were still together. The nervous excitement brought on by that thought was more than any excitement a new guy I had met so far could bring out. It was very telling. I wasn't over him. Not at all.

In those new photos of Ash I recognized Rob in the background. His head was cut in all of them due to his height. After all he wasn't in their focus. But I could imagine a face, serious and alert and ready to protect Ash.

And it was easy to imagine a lot more than a face. I could imagine whole conversations with my team.

It was an uphill struggle to push away the memories of LA. It was evident that I would rather relive the memories than create new ones. That scared me. The amount of time I spent watching Rob's farewell video was unhealthy.

Rob had made sure that he showed up only once in the video. As if I wouldn't want to look at him. I knew exactly when his smiling face would light up my screen. It was a close-up shot of him, Corey, Tolan and Jonas. It hurt to know that I did that to him. He thought his solo photo wasn't worthy of my twenty minute memory rewind because I had acted that way around him. Impersonal and distant.

Not that I needed his video to see him. I had found Tolan on instagram. There were many lovely pictures of them from our vacation. Not that I needed pictures to see him. I just had to close my eyes. I could hear his voice, see his smile. It was all in there. Etched behind my eyelids to see for eternity.

I missed our interactions. Rob easily read a room and gave what was needed without hesitation. I was worried if that tendency made his new role difficult. I had a nagging question in my head. How was he doing as the team head? Was Ash happy?

There was only one person who could answer it truthfully.

I should call Ash.

I couldn't though. Initially, I didn't want to call right away thinking it would be too soon. I kept postponing until it became this giant problem I couldn't handle. It was a combination of heartache and reluctance to face the truth. The truth that I missed him more than he did. If not he would have called me by now. Wouldn't he?

Also, I didn't know what to say. What was my reason to not call till now? I had none I could explain.

Maybe I should visit him. Anyway I had to travel out of the country to extend my visa. I could pick a date and place on his tour and get a ticket and go there.

Would it be too much?

Nothing could be too much with Ash.

As per his schedule, this week was Brazil. All I had to do was look up venues and buy a couple of tickets.

The big problem suddenly became a new, exciting goal which relaxed my body and mind.

I slept with Ash begging me to take his hand.

****

The doorbell woke me up.

I squinted at the clock. Seven.

I got up and walked to the door cursing the maid.

I gave her the key to avoid this exact issue of waking up when not ready.

Or was it the guy from the coffee shop? Did he find my house?

There was no peep lens on the door. Suddenly paranoid, I leaned on it and listened.

Muffled laughter seeped through the wood against my cheek.

My heart rate picked up abruptly and I wrenched the door open without any further thought.

Rob stood a few steps away, grinning. My heart leapt up to my throat.

"Where's he?" I asked, willing my heart to slow down.

"Oh, I'm fine Boss, thank you," he said.

First, a roaring laughter came from behind the pillar and then Ash came into my line of sight.

And then he was in my arms.

All my heartache went away to accommodate his hug.

Rob pushed us in as one and rolled in their luggages.

"Why haven't you shaved?" Ash asked, rubbing on my cheek with his. His sunglasses poked my eyes, I plucked it and threw it on the key bowl.

"Where are the others?" I asked looking at the main gate. Ash skipped out of his shoes while hanging onto my arm.

"Just us." Rob closed the door and locked it and proceeded to shed his shoes.

I stared at the closed door, shocked. Ash should never travel without a minimum of two security personnel protection.

What the fuck happened?

When I turned to voice that no one was in the foyer. They were already wandering towards the living room.

"Are you nuts?" I snapped and followed them to the couch.

"Twenty." Rob told Ash and then turned to me. "No, I'm not. He is."

Ash dragged me to the couch and pulled my arm to sit beside him.

"Twenty what? What are you doing here? You should be in Brazil." I frowned at Ash.

"Now, it's thirty." Ash sighed.

Rob laughed.

I glared at him. "Close the windows and the shades. It's your job to keep him safe. What would you do if those suckers came with cameras?"

"I told you!" Rob cried and went to the windows.

"Shut up, Nick. Now I owe him forty dollars."

"Why?" As I asked I knew why.

"Buffy and I have a running bet. Whoever guesses more of your reactions wins. He's on the lead." Ash leaned on my shoulder and hugged my middle. The familiar shampoo smell relaxed me instantly.

"He'll win. Because you lack something he has in abundance. Common sense." Oh, fuck, it was so freeing to be cross with him.

Ash as usual ignored my jab and started playing with my shirt collar. My anger meant nothing to him and there was no point. They were here already. And all I wanted to do was enjoy their company.

Rob came back and stretched his legs. My eyes automatically catalogued the changes in his face. He looked more lively. I would have thought he would be more stressed as a team head.

"What happened to Brazil?" I asked again.

Rob sat on the opposite couch. And I remembered buying this couch, wanting it to be high and comfortable for tall people. Was I thinking of him? He looked as if he was made for this couch.

"Cancelled it Boss. He said he wouldn't sing anymore."

"What? Nonsense. He'll sing." I leaned away from Ash to look at his face. I should have used social media to follow up with his cancelled tours.

Ash smiled his sweetest smile and I almost forgot the months we spent apart.

"Boss... Why would you say that? I thought you would be happy if he stopped singing. You were always complaining." Rob sounded betrayed.

I chuckled, facing back at him. "So you lost this round, huh?"

Oh, God. Why did this feel like breathing? Wasn't I breathing until they walked in?

Ash hugged my side and settled his head in the crook of my neck. My body settled around his position happily.

"He should sing as long as he enjoys it. I didn't like all the traveling and the stress that came with it. Now tell me why you are here cancelling the concert?"

Rob got up with a shrug. "To deliver your final retirement gift. Your man."

"You really found a guy?" I asked, alarmed.

Rob leaned over and ruffled Ash's hair and kissed the side of his forehead. "You tell him. I'm beat. I'll find a bedroom and crash."

I was dumbstruck. "Is this how you treat your client?"

Rob gave an apologetic smile. "I'm sorry, Boss. I'm not that strong."

That was true. It took me all my willpower to not return his hugs when I started the job. I learned to receive and not reciprocate. Rob must have succumbed to Ash's hugs.

"Guest bedroom is on the left, behind the laundry." Ash told him. Of course he knew where my bedrooms were.

Rob left giving a weird double thumbs up.

"So I wanted to come in the evening-", Ash climbed on my lap, "-because you specifically asked for goodnight kisses," looped his arms around my neck, "but I messed up the schedule and we are late. So how about a good morning kiss?"

"No kissing, I have to like him first. I'll go alone to meet him. Don't ask him to come here. I don't want any strangers in my home."

Ash sighed in my face.

Oh, I haven't even brushed yet. I need to brush first. I went to bed late last night but still I must have slept for at least five hours. I don't want Ash inhaling my foul morning breath.

"Nick." He rubbed our noses together.

"Um."

He kissed me then.

***