It had been a month of trying to tell him and postponing. It was also an intense month of touring the south. Ash was terribly busy. So I was okay with the wait.

Tonight was the first free night we were home. He seemed upbeat from the morning. I'd tell him today.

When I came after my rounds he was on the couch. His guitar was on the table and he was tearing a sheet of paper angrily.

"Everything okay?" I asked and sat on the armchair.

"Oh, Nick. Thank God. I need some references. Why do you don't have any female guards in your team? Are you against equal opportunity? Gino will be mad."

I chuckled. "I already explained it to her. There are women in this field. But this isn't a stable job. Security is not like the military. There's no sense of achievement or pride. It is a temporary job. A stepping stone to other better jobs. It's for young minds and bodies. After forty you can't chase off the crazy paparazzi like you did at thirty. No one can stay on this job till the pension age."

Ash nodded. Completely missing my self insert at the end, he picked his guitar. "That makes sense."

"Were you even listening?"

"Yeah. Bad hours, no pension. Not good like the military. Now, you listen. I need references."

I sighed. Subtle would not work. "What kind?"

"I need-" his face brightened and he jumped up, throwing his guitar on the couch. "Buffy!!! Come here! I need you."

Buffy, oh fuck. Rob. Rob rolled his eyes. "I can't stay. I'm supposed to get the documents Kester left for you to sign and go back to the office right this instant."

Ash caught him before he went to the studio room. "That can wait. Come here now." He clutched Rob's elbow and dragged.

I nodded at Rob. "I'll call Milo. We must do this important thing that has Ash in a fit."

Rob snorted. "When is he not in a fit?"

"Shut up and stand here."

We both chuckled at his command. Teasing Ash and having a laugh was a habit the boys got into on the Australia tour. Ash secretly liked it. He would grumble like an irritated granny on her way to make cookies for her naughty grandkids.

I got up and switched on my Secpho.

"Don't go anywhere!" Ash warned me as I walked to the door.

I gave a thumbs up and talked to Milo about Kester's file.

Kester was good. He was no Henry. But he had the same quick thinking and handled any crisis without much sweat. Yesterday, I had cut short my shower and came running when I heard Ash's ear splitting shouts.

But I shouldn't have bothered. Kester and Rob had it all under control. They had done what Henry and I usually did for Ash. I had just stood at the door of my room and watched Rob talk sense to Ash and Kester give resolutions to whatever made him angry. All I understood was that it had something to do with scratches. According to Ash, an arrogant asshole stole his wall scratches. I didn't know how someone could steal scratches or why it was important. I didn't have to worry about it. That was the takeaway. It was a freeing feeling.

Ash had a great team to help him.

He got over his break up with F. He told me that they were good friends now. He was dating a new girl- Jane. He was happier. He was making big decisions and choosing what he wanted with a clear head. What more could I expect? It was time to bid my goodbyes.

"NICK!"

I jerked. "Yeah?"

"Come over here. I don't have all night."

Rob was standing at the far window, facing the couch. Ash stood next to him like an impatient director.

"What are we doing?"

Ash sighed. "Profiling. I need references. Weren't you listening? Come here."

I went to them. Ash pulled me to stand opposite to Rob.

"Now, look up at him."

I laughed. "Why?"

"NICK... " he glared.

"Okay." I turned and faced Rob.

Rob had a pretty bad scowl on his face.

"What now?" He asked.

"You both just stand still. Until I say otherwise. I have to correct the lighting."

Without a backward glance he went about turning off the lights. I sighed. He had gotten into one of his moods. He wouldn't stop until he got what he wanted.

"I asked you to look at him!" Ash came back.

"You should at least tell us why."

"I'm cataloging face profiles in different shadows. You can talk but can't change your pose. Okay?"

Rob scoffed. "This is stupid. Boss, you don't have to do this. I'll get Tolan."

Ash was ready to smash his skull.

"It's okay." I said. "It won't be long. Right?" Unlike Rob, who was just starting his shift, I had a tiring day.

Ash grinned. "I love you. Now let me do my work."

His work alternated between furiously scratching his pencil over the paper and plucking his guitar.

"Your chin is jutting out on the side." Came the criticism. I righted myself.

Side eyeing him wasn't a comfortable option anymore. I studied Rob's jaw.

"Tilt your head up, Nick."

That was when I noticed how close we were. I could see his eyes.

The awkwardness was quicksand. It pushed me to talk.

"This reminds me of my prom. We had rehearsals." I said in a low voice.

He smiled but his jaw was tight. "Were you crowned?"

"Shit. No. I ditched it for free weed. What about you?"

I could see he was uncomfortable and irritated. Was that why he wanted Tolan? Couldn't he stand for a few minutes staring at my face? Fuck. I didn't need these thoughts. I already had enough regrets.

"Prom was on the same day as my photoshoot." He said.

That snapped me to reality. "Photoshoot?"

He bit his upper lip. "Yeah. My school counselor thought I could try modeling. My height, weight and brooding looks were ideal it seemed. Back then I was thin."

I nodded and quickly looked at Ash. He couldn't hear us from the couch. We were two professionals who knew how to talk without gaining an audience. But if he saw me nodding my head he would kill me. To my relief, he was bent down on his paper. I was safe. I swirled back to Rob. "Then?"

"I decided to give it a shot. I found a photographer. She was in her early twenties. Very eager to prove herself. She said she would do the whole portfolio for a hundred dollars. It was the best deal. And she was available only on prom day. She was leaving the town. So yeah. I didn't go to prom."

I felt so deprived by how he ended the story. My whole body begged with a need to hold him in my arms and coax the full story out of him.

I settled for just coaxing.

"I can't imagine you being thinner."

His gaze mellowed. "Just skin and bones. I played ball till senior year. But nothing to show off. I also had long hair."

That surprised me. "How long?"

"Well below my shoulders." He was blushing.

"Wow." I couldn't take my gaze away from him.

"Honestly, Boss. It was horrible. The photoshoot was a flop. Partly thanks to my hair." He was warming up to tell the story. His jaw wasn't locked tight, it was ready open wide in a smile.

"How so?"

"She took away my hairband saying it would look better open and free." He paused.

I waited.

"It was an excruciating half an hour. She had several air blowers and fans all around the room. She wanted me to pose but my hair was all over my face. But she didn't care. She was all, 'look up, Torres, smile, Torres. Do this, do that'. But my hair! It was on my teeth." He bared his teeth.

I bit the inside of my cheek to stop my smile.

"But no, she wouldn't listen, move your lip. And eyes. And nose. But not hair. Never hair. When she asked me to widen my eyes for the tenth time, I was so fed up, I did like this-"

I burst out laughing. Rob's eyes were bulging out of his sockets in the most adorable way possible.

He smiled. I warped my laugh into a semi acceptable smile. The second we shared was longer than a minute.

He broke the second and looked away. Embarrassed, I remembered our director who gave strict instructions to stand still.

To my shock, when I shifted my legs I bumped on Ash. He stood right next to my shoulder tapping at his phone.

When did he come here?

Rob's scowl was back when he asked, "are we done yet?"

"You stay." Ash said to him and smiled at me. "Good night, Nick. You did beautifully." He kissed on my cheek.

"Buffy, come and stand here. I want to see where the shadows fall when you are directly under light."

"Can't we get mannequins?" Rob asked.

I chuckled. "Why, when we have a model at our disposal?"

Rob groaned. "Boss."

"Good night."

I left Ash to maneuver Rob and escaped to my room.

I kept thinking about his eyes, his jaw, his long gone lengthy hair as I undressed for shower.

When I noticed that I left my door ajar, I came to lock it and heard raised voices.

I stood there hidden and listened.

"Why don't you believe me when I say there is nothing?"

"I had to see for myself."

"And?"

"Why should I tell you?"

"Admit it. You just want to torture me."

"Why Buffy? Why would it be torture if you didn't have anything to start with?"

"You are cruel. I'm trying to help you with every chance I get. You pay me by pushing me to my limits."

"Maybe I'm trying to help you."

"Jesus Christ! You are nuts. I'm going downstairs."

"Hey, let me finish this angle."

"Why are you sketching all of a sudden? Are you a portrait artist now?"

"Isn't this your shift?"

"I'll swap with Seb. I'll send him up. He is better at helping you with your music or sketches or whatever."

"Why do you say that?"

"We both know why."

"I don't."

"I must have seen a ghost then. Two ghosts."

"Oh, what were they doing?"

"They were sitting together in a deserted lawn at the dead of the night."

"Oh... then?"

"They did this odd ritual for hours and hours. Till four o'clock actually."

"What ritual?"

"One ghost was sobbing often. I guess he was punishing himself by listening to the awful songs the other ghost played."

"Fuck you."

I closed the door without making any noise. I wasn't sure I understood all of their conversation. But it filled me with an odd sense of peace.

I didn't even remember about quitting until next morning.

****
Ash was on stage binding everyone with his angelic voice. It was his last stop on the north east tour. It was another grueling forty five days of me trying and failing to bring up the topic of my resignation.

I was in the dressing room entrance ready to drop dead. I couldn't do this anymore. This constant traveling, hotel stays, cardboard cut restaurant food and ever excited fans.

I was done stalling. I would tell him tonight. I had decided for once and all where I wanted to settle.

Europe.

Someplace tucked between mountains where the total population is less than five thousand. I have already bookmarked a couple of properties that fit my budget. I would own a boat and sit on a lake reading books and catching fish. Or I would buy a motorcycle and roam around the streets. It wasn't important. The important part was that I'd find new hobbies.

Every night I wanted to go to sleep with a wet good night kiss on my lips. I badly needed a caring man by my side. I dreamt of fucking in leisure without caring about how long it would take me to come.

I sighed.

"Boss?" My ear piece questioned.

"Nothing, Rob."

"He's almost done, Boss." Rob consoled me.

He'd take my job, I had decided that as well. He knew Ash as well as anyone could hope to. He was firm yet friendly with Ash. He would do great as the head of the team.

He would be great for me too. He had the rare ability to translate my sighs. He had an even rarer ability to make me lose my mind with his smile.

If only I had a martini in my hands right now. I could do what I did on the island forest villa.

It started as a bet. As most things did with Ash. There was a fully stocked mini bar in the house. He challenged us to make a fancy drink. Seb made a martini with the expertise of a bartender. I was supposed to do the taste test. Tolan urged me to try it. Rob stood there watching me stare at the glass. Ash was getting antsy. But it was Rob's silence. It was Rob. It was always him. I was too aware of his presence even when he stayed silent. He hadn't worn a single full length pants in eight days. It was shorts. Always in shorts which barely hit his knees. Shirts that didn't have the first few buttons. He was killing me with his casual attire parade. He was so... himself throughout the vacation. I wanted that.

Himself. To myself.

It was all getting too much. To escape from spending time with him, I told them I would drink the concoction in my room and would give a verdict the next day.

I locked myself in and stared at the glass some more. I didn't see the glass. I saw the wide open V of Rob's shirt, his bare ankles crossed over one another, his gaze. It got to me every fucking time. His gaze. I finished the martini in the hopes it would erase my thoughts.

That was the first mistake. It didn't erase a thing. I could still see the bare skin on his chest. I still wanted to unbutton his shirt.

So I made the second mistake. I opened the liquor cabinet that sat next to my bed. For the first time in so many years, I got drunk. Since it had been so long, I had forgotten that a drunk me was a dumber me.

I wanted to unbutton his shorts.

In the safety of my locked, dark room, with an alcohol soaked brain, I decided to live out the fantasy. Usually fantasies featuring faceless men would go nowhere. That night, I had a face, a smile, a voice, a body, a soul searing gaze. I had the whole fucking package to cook a complete fantasy.

I reclined on the bed with just my boxers on and thought of his body on top of mine. I imagined how his weight would settle against mine. I allowed his breathless voice to whisper 'boss' in my ear. My body tightened. I let his fingers trace my face. My breath became labored.

I imagined his eyes, his piercing, emotion filled eyes boring into mine. The phantom of the man I imagined, hovered over my face with a shy smile on his slightly parted lips. About to kiss me.

Then he leaned away.

The smiling face morphed into the one with a sea of hurt and sorrow. It was the look I was often haunted with. It was from the night I said no to him.

A long dead night of rejection.

The fantasy shattered and filled me with a gut wrenching loss.

The loss was real. So very painful.

I clutched the pillows to my chest and cried. I thought I just liked him. I thought I just lusted after his body. I had predicted in a fleeting way that we could have something if we tried. I had been convincing myself with all these lies. That it didn't bother me much when he got a girlfriend. That I was okay with having him just as my colleague.

That moment when I couldn't stop my tears I understood that they were all lies.

Nothing was fucking okay.

There was already something more meaningful. He already had my heart and didn't know it and moved on. I was already in mourning. I had buried it so deep it took buckets of alcohol to bring it to the front. To accept the fact I was affected by the loss of his affection. I had lost a sweet, sweet man to some strange girl because of my stubborn stupidity.

All the other buried unfamiliar feelings joined forces with alcohol and threatened to take over me. I couldn't fight back. Their victory was phenomenal. I felt so much. So deep. I cried, systematically cataloging my failures. It was a shame filled defeat.

Next day, the hangover didn't give me the solace of forgetfulness. The memories of Rob and loss and crying stayed fresh. So I found someone on Grindr and fucked until it hurt and felt like shit afterwards.

The only good thing about that day was, I accepted that I was wasting away my life. It was born of a night of heartbreak, a night of regrets.

I hadn't made peace with it yet. Even after four months, thinking of that drunken night brought pain and regret. I should have kissed Rob when he had wanted it. I could have asked him to switch jobs. We could have made it all work. But no, I was fucking dense. Now he had someone else. He had a girlfriend. I had Grindr.

I sighed.

"Curtain call, Boss." Rob whispered in my Secpho.

Loud applause rocked the stadium.

I shook off my thoughts and got ready for a tired and grumpy Ash.

I would tell Ash tonight. I wouldn't care about his mood. I would just tell him. I would leave.

I promised myself again.

We were staying in a penthouse suite in Boston. Jane didn't come to the show. Still, it was a nightmare to get him inside the hotel. I would definitely not miss the blinding camera flashes when I moved to Europe. I was too old for this shit show.

Jane greeted Ash with a kiss. Instead of locking themselves in the master suite like I hoped, Ash sat down on the couch with Jane.

They started kissing.

Rob stood near the door with Seb.

They could go to their rooms now. Ash would soon move to the bedroom. Understandably, Jane didn't like us hovering over their heads when they were alone.

I took a step towards the door and stopped short at Ash's bored voice.

"We should break up." He told Jane, who was now on his lap with a hiked up skirt.

I cringed. Tactics and Ash were still strangers to each other.

Both Rob and Seb turned to the scene unfolding in front of us.

"Stop kidding, Ash. Let's go to bed." Jane wiggled from his hold and got up.

"I'm serious. Let's break up." Ash said.

He was indeed serious.

I signalled Rob to position.

Heartbroken girlfriends are code red hazards.

A girl once threw a flower vase from the door and I had to dive to catch it. Ash had laughed. God only knew what Jane would do.

She stared at him, unblinking and unbelieving.

"Why? We have something special. Why Ash?" Her voice broke.

I wouldn't call it special. I wasn't even sure if girlfriend was the term to use. He fucked her often and let her hang around during the concerts. It was nothing official. He wasn't invested in her. There was no love. A rebound after F. That was my opinion of his relationship with her.

I moved closer to Ash.

Ash had the talent to say something stupid and make her angry just in a second. I stood at high alert.

He casually picked her phone from the coffee table, "what you have is a hundred thousand dollars deal with some shithead."

He threw the phone at me, I caught it in reflex. Rob moved forward and blocked Jane's view of Ash.

"I'll escort you out ma'am. We will send your phone back once we screen and clean it. You'll hear from our lawyers if they find anything." Rob delivered the speech without any bias in his tone. We wouldn't accuse her like Ash until we had proof. It was safe to stay neutral.

Jane turned to me with calculating eyes. I wouldn't have pegged her to be scheming. But at that second I had no doubt she had a secret deal.

"You heard him. Please." I said. Rob pushed her forward and they left the suite.

I sighed and sat on the couch. Ash leaned his head on my shoulder.

"Well done." I said.

"I tried, Nick. I really tried to have a girlfriend."

"You are happy she's gone."

He laughed. "You know me well."

"I have to talk with you. Can we do it now?" I asked abruptly. If I delayed I'd find some excuse.

He looked at me sideways and got up. "Yeah?"

"Go to your room. I'll check with Rob and come back in five minutes."

Jane would need a flight back to LA. I wanted her packed and sent without any incident as soon as possible.

Ash went to his room.

I spent the next fifteen minutes overseeing everything. Rob took care of the logistics without any guidance. My resolve got stronger. He would excel as the head of the team.

I entered Ash's room after twenty minutes and found him curled up and sleeping. He looked so small and helpless.

My little prince.

I turned around to leave. If I stayed, I'd start worrying over him.

"Nick, come back. I'm not asleep. Let's chat." He sat up, laughing.

Cheeky kid. I pulled a chair close to his bed and sat down.

My face felt weird. Suddenly heavy. I just had to say it. There was no other way to do it.

"I've thought about this for sometime now. I love working for you, Ash. But I think it's time for me to step down. I want to resign." My chest felt tight. I took a calming breath.

"And then?"

"Retire. I want peace and quiet."

"Okay." He nodded with a big smile.

I sat frozen in my seat. I definitely didn't expect this cool response.

"I get it, Nick. You want to retire. It makes sense. You should. Call the lawyer, I'll sign the papers. I'm sure we can finish all the formalities in a week."

I got up and touched his forehead, checked his eyes.

He grinned.

"Nick, I'm perfectly fine. I can count your eyelashes."

He knelt on the bed and hooked his fingers around my neck.

"What is the catch then?" I asked. There was no way he was okay with me leaving. The real world as I know would not be the same if that was true.

"No catch." He brushed his nose against mine.

I couldn't believe it was that easy. All these years, he wouldn't even let me go for a dental appointment without the assurance of being back in half an hour. "There has to be. You're letting me go, just like that?"

"Who said anything about going?" He sat back on his heels with a frown.

"I knew it." I sighed and sat back. All was right with the world. "Did you think I would retire and still live here with you?"

He nodded. "I don't get it. Where will you even go?"

That was true. I didn't have a place to call my own. Yet.

"Ash... I have plans."

He crawled on all fours and perched on the edge of the bed. "Tell me."

"I don't have to tell you." It was embarrassing to even think about my cheesy dreams in front of him.

He chuckled.

"Come on, Nick. I won't judge you. You know that." He poked my chest.

I sighed. Was sighing a sign of aging? I did a lot of it.

"I'm looking for a property in Europe. A place like Tuscany."

"Oh." All light drained from his face.

My gut twitched.

I rushed forward. "I need this, Ash. Please." If he cried my resolve would crumble like a cookie under a hammer.

He stared at me without seeing. My heart broke.

No. Just no. I had to be strong.

He sat up straighter. "Get the jet ready. Cancel tomorrow's plans. Inform the lawyers to prepare the papers. We're going home. You can retire and go to Tuscany. There's no catch. Good night, Nick." He kissed my cheek like every other night and lied back down and shut his eyes.

The sudden dismissal felt like a punch to my face.

He was really okay with me moving out, going away.

Had Ash really grown up and understood my need without me explaining?

I didn't feel the relief I expected.

I wasn't going to over analyze it either.

I came out of his room and saw Rob on the chair. I should tell him the news. Then it might feel like the truth.

"Where is Seb?" I sat down on the opposite chair.

"He just now left for his room."

I nodded. "I'm retiring."

"Good night, Boss."

I wanted to bang my head for my wording. I tried again. "I'm resigning from my job.

"WHAT?" He shouted and promptly closed his mouth with a hand. "I'm sorry. Did you say retiring?"

I nodded. "I want you to take my position as the head of the team."

He got up. "You are not joking."

I too got up.

"I'm not. I'm leaving the country. Of course, I will make sure that you have all you need to continue in my absence. Do you have any concerns?"

His eyes widened.

"Concerns? Boss! This is insane. You can't go. I need you to work." He closed his eyes. "I can't imagine working without you."

He was reacting the way I expected Ash to react.

Squaring his shoulders, he directed his lovely gaze on me again. "Boss, I don't have to tell you. But please don't rush this. Tell me your concerns. Whatever bothers you. Just tell me. Give me a week. We can fix everything. You are not alone. We are all there. Your team."

I shook my head in amazement. He had become a strong leader right under my nose. I was damn proud of him.

"I know you hate the live shows and paparazzi. You don't have to come to them. You can reduce the hours. But please, please don't talk about quitting the job."

He was almost begging. I expected begging but from Ash. Not from Rob.

"Rob, this isn't decided in a day. I'm settling down in Europe. I already told Ash."

His hands stilled mid air, his eyes... they were... there was shock and hurt. A hurt I was too aware of. It sparked a tinder of hope amid all the heartbreak.

Did he still fancy me? Would I get a second chance?

If I did, would it change my plans?

It would. Oh, fuck. It would.

He let his hands fall to his sides. "Ash was okay with this?"

I nodded. "We are cutting short this trip. He asked me to get the jet. The ball is already set in motion."

I didn't understand why Ash wanted to leave right away. Was he that eager to get rid of me? It was as if I didn't know him anymore. I didn't know what he was thinking.

Rob shook his head and whispered. "I can't... how on earth? Jesus Christ."

I sighed. "Just tell me one thing. Are you fine with taking the new position?" I didn't have any satisfactory choices if he said no. I always assumed he would be okay with it.

He looked up. The hurt was gone. Only surprise was left. "No, Boss. I will never be able to fill in your shoes."

I smiled at that. "You don't need to be in my shoes. You have everything to stand on your own, Rob. I wouldn't trust anyone else with Ash but you. I have all the faith in you. I believe in you."

Rob's eyes clouded and he tucked his chin looking down.

I wanted to hug him. I never expected him to cry. Shit, I didn't even worry about breaking the news to him like I fretted for Ash. In truth, I was running away from him and Ash both. If I was a ship, Ash was the anchor and Rob was the tempting shore I could not inhabitat. The anchor wasn't too bothered that I was cutting the ties. But the shore was heartbroken to see me fleeing.

I could hug him now.

I could ask him about his girlfriend. How serious they were.

And then what? Say what? I would like to kiss you. If you guys break up please contact me.

How dumb.

"Let me schedule the departure. We will discuss in detail after going home. Okay?" I gave a pat on his shoulder and left the room.

My fingers were warm. My heart was warm. My head was too warm. Nothing went down like I imagined. I was going mad.

But by God, I would go mad in my own, brand new, mountain view villa. After getting completely drunk on European liquor. Soon. Real soon.

****

A/N:

Trivia Time. The original storyline of this story is from my short story called Bodyguard. It was a 10000 words story in my old book. The last section of this chapter was the first chapter of the short story.

I added many new colors and different strokes to this book but the bare bones of the story are still the same.

Which means the upcoming chapters are rated mature for sexual content. (Really, all my stories are rated mature by my standards. But I follow the platform's rules here.)

Which also means you may not like what is in the store. I haven't written a spicy scene since Weang and Wanking. So get ready to cringe.

Which also means we are nearing... nothing... nothing at all. (-: