Clocks.

I'm thinking about clocks. Not the clocks that hang on walls. I'm stuck on the timer clocks with a single needle and a single purpose. Keep ticking until certain seconds have crossed and then chirp. What if there's a similar clock but instead of waiting for a certain number of seconds it waits for a certain event and when it happens it will chirp. What if such a clock is inside my head right now? What if right now it goes tick, tick, tick, tick?

Waiting for that moment it can chirp?

Yeah. It's been happening for a couple of weeks now. Weeks... It's been a couple of weeks since we started touring the vast lands of Australia. And my clock is ticking and chirping all along.

The first chirp was back home, on an afternoon. I was busy rehearsing and I casually looked up and there he was. Where he usually stands. Right outside the glass cabin. It's all a routine, nothing noteworthy. But then there was no blinking. There were four eyes involved and not one blink. That's when it started.

Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick.

And then he smiled.

Chirp.

Eyes blinked, heart raced and I was at a loss of what happened and why I liked it so very much. I pushed it to the back of my mind since I was busy. After all it was Buffy. Everything that happens with him is confusing. The night when we cuddled was a perfect example of how tiresome it is to analyze our dynamics.

One second I was as horny as a bunny, next second I was as angry as a bull and the next thing I knew I was laughing like a hyena and cuddling him like a puppy.

That night was so bizarre and beautiful. Just like the smile I received for the first chirp. In the last fifteen days I have been part of hundreds of such 'moments'.

We both would be doing our own things.

Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick.

Then somehow both would end up looking at each other.

Chirp.

Then back to what we were doing. Then back to tick, tick, tick.

Right at this moment, I'm so aware of the clock. It's ticking for more than an hour without a chirp. I haven't seen him after my last set started.

Nick smiles when I enter the backstage dressing room. I just fling myself into his arms.

"That was good." He whispers.

"Crazy crowd." It's one of those crowds. Full of chants and cheers.

"You did well." He hands me a water bottle.

I shake my head, "already had. I can't move Nick. I'm dead."

"Take off your shirt and lay down." He points at the long couch a few feet away.

Music to my ears. Are you joining? Is in the tip of my tongue. But we all know the response I'll get. So I don't go there. "I'm dead, Nick. Can't take a step."

He sighs. "You shouldn't let yourself burn out like this." His arms hook around my back, one against the back of my knees, one below my shoulders and lift me up.

My legs dangle and I have the urge to swing them. I don't. I'm dead, I can't swing legs. So I just cuddle closer and wrap my arms around his neck.

I tried the same scene with Buffy at the last concert. Told him I can't walk to the couch. He fucking dragged the couch and brought it to me. But then there were many chirps that day to compensate.

"Did you drink enough water? You are sweating a lot." He asks, depositing me on the couch.

"I did."

Today's show is the last major one. My calendar is free of public appearances and concerts for the next ten days. I'm feeling it. The need to let go and relax.

Nick fusses with my shoes as I watch him. "Did I do any of your favorites today?"

"Why do you think I would still have any favorite?"

"Ha ha ha. Nice joke." I know for a fact that he likes my songs. At least some of them. He won't tell me which ones.

He pulls a chair and sits at the foot of the couch. "I have heard every one of your songs, at the least, as many times as you have sung them. A man can't call those favorites, more like the equivalent of Stockholm syndrome."

I laugh. "Love you."

"Hungry yet?" He asks, taking his phone in hand.

I shake my head, disappointed for no real reason.

There's a knock. I lift my eyes to meet those of Buffy's.

The ticks become louder.

He smiles, a small barely visible, gone before seen smile. My timer gives a weak chirp.

"The bus is ready." He informs Nick.

"Run me through the plan." I butt in. I made the bookings and I know our plans. I just want to watch him talk.

He nods and stands straighter as if he slouched he would look shorter. I don't roll my eyes though. I'm practicing restraint.

"We will reach the hotel by 7. You will rest till 11. And then off to rafting. Then we are off to Uluru. There we are doing the camel ride and bunk at the desert villa."

"Bunk?" I ask, confused.

Buffy shrugs. "Tolan and I are sharing a room with bunk beds."

I twitch my mouth in displeasure.

Tolan and Seb. I forgot about them. It's a three bedroom house I chose before considering them.

"Can't they stay in a hotel?"

Nick looks up from his phone. "Why? Any problem?"

"I don't like them."

Buffy gives a loud exhale. "Really?"

"The Seb guy is a bully. The Tolan guy is too... everything." I wave a hand around at everything.

"You haven't uttered a single word to them till now." Buffy points out.

"Ash has super powers. Didn't you know?" Nick asks.

"NICK!!" I kick him in his stomach.

"You told me you would give them a chance." Buffy reminds me.

"He did?" Nick sounds so surprised I kick him again.

"That was before." That was a moment of weakness. That promise was part of a string of moments that made a beautiful night. It was part of a dream.

"You promised." Buffy the mind reader grits out.

The door swings open, "Boss, when are you coming to pay the backstage guys?" Seb thunders, standing there with an irritating scowl like he owns Nick.

Nick gets up and follows him without a complaint.

I scramble to a semi sitting position. "DID YOU SEE THAT!"

Buffy tilts his head to the door. "I didn't see anything to warrant your scream."

"Your friend scolded Nick! He treats everyone like shit... bossy and-"

Buffy plops down on the couch. I stare wide eyed at the unexpected contact. Oh, man... He is sitting on my left foot little toes. I want to wiggle them.

"He did not. You can't come up with imagined reasons to avoid interacting with others. You can't keep pushing people away. You need people."

I give him a death glare. Why does he always have to think less of me?

"I know that. I interact with others all the time! I wasn't standing alone on the stage! There were five others. We all worked together for all the songs! The bass guitarist is a novice! I trained him!" I don't want to fight. I'm really spent.

Buffy nods. "That's really great, you know. What you do."

I'm breathless at the sudden praise. I look down and realize that my toes are not under his ass anymore. When did that happen! Did I move unconsciously? I wiggle them a bit forward.

Buffy continues. "Tolan explained it to me. You picked a brand new local crew out of struggling musicians and shared your stage with them. And you do that every time you tour abroad. That's..." Buffy stops and stares at me.

I stop my wiggle. Did he realize where my foot is?

"You are good, Ash. The thing is, you can be great."

Yay. My toes are snuggling under his warm, wiggly butt.

"Why are you grinning?" He asks.

I almost jump at his voice. What was he saying? I'm great. Yeah, that. "You said I'm great."

He leans back. "I said..." his shoulders drop, "...never mind. Give Seb and Tolan a chance. Can you?"

I nod. Because I can't stop grinning. I'm a very bad person. Bad, bad Ash. Poking toes where they don't belong.

"Promise me."

I scoot closer. Wrong move. He gets up abruptly. "Yes, Boss. Okay."

He waves his hand, "let's go."

At least I touched his ass. With my toes. That's something.

***

"OH, MY FREAKING GOD!" I stand unsteadily trying to look sideways at the vanishing tuby thingy.

Our rafting has taken a wild turn when a fellow group sunk their tube. Now Nick and Tolan are helping the guide to get them back on a boat. I can no longer see anyone.

"SIT DOWN!"

The harsh command makes me wobble and Buffy catches me, saving me from falling face first into the angry river. I glance at Seb with a wildly beating heart. My eyes are stinging automatically.

Nobody yells at me. Nobody. Not even Nick. Not anymore. I hide my face in Buffy's life jacket. He keeps an arm around me.

"Seb..." Buffy drags out his name.

I slightly turn my head to see if Seb is going to apologize. He is frowning at Buffy. They are literally having a conversation without involving their mouths.

That makes me really mad.

"I want him to leave. When we reach the shore, I want him gone." I try to regain my composure. I won't cry in front of this monster. How can I give him a chance to get to know me when he yells at me with the first chance he gets?

Seb is the embodiment of everything I hate about Nick's team. His green eyes and strong body are no compensation for his rude face and ruder character. This is the first tour he is in my close vicinity. And in the past twelve days I haven't seen him smile once. Not once. He reminds me of how Buffy used to be. All stiff and righteous. But even Buffy hasn't raised his voice at me like that till now.

How dare he?

They both remain silent. Even the waves around us have calmed down. I'm okay with the silence.

Then there's a throat clearing sound.

"You can't stand on a moving raft like that, it gets unbalanced when you lean away." Seb says, his deep in the hell, authoritative voice is as irritating as before.

He didn't have to scream at me for that. "I still want you gone."

Buffy sighs. "Seb..."

Seb shakes his head and looks away. As if he is in the right. He almost made me cry. I don't want my precious holiday spoiled by the likes of him. I want it to be fucking perfect. I want the next ten days to be awesome. I wish to look back on this trip and smile at the memories I made. I don't have to-

"Your single stroke can't define my sky."

I am struck anew by his commanding voice. Seb isn't looking at me, he is staring at the rolling mountains, his arms pushing the paddle with light, knowing strokes.

He continues.

"The tiny splash of a color isn't me.
I'm grand.
I'm yellow.
I'm green.
I'm more.
I travel in light years to reach you.
All you do is call me a star
And paint me white."

He turns to face us.

"Wow." Buffy breathes. "That's... that's amazing, Seb."

I can't roll my eyes since they're locked with Seb's stunning green ones.

He swallows audibly. "I grew up in a military household. I went to a military school. I don't know how-"

If he is someone I know I'd have launched myself at him.

All I get out is, "I didn't know you were a fan."

He self consciously tucks his chin.

"What do you mean?" Buffy asks.

Seb puts the paddle inside the tube. "Let's get down. We are ashore."

This time I don't let the commanding voice trouble me. I take his hand and splash the water on both of us trying to land on my feet.

We start wading to the rocky beach.

Buffy catches up to us, "is it yours? You wrote that? Your song? Not Seb's?"

Stupid, Buffy.

Seb groans. "Stop embarrassing yourself."

I laugh, delighted. How did Buffy not know one of my classic hits?

As we reach the car, I untangle myself from the life jacket and dump it in the truck bed.

Seb looks at me, waiting. "Do you want me gone?"

"What's your name?"

"Sebastian Art."

"No, Sebastian. I want you to stay." He has actually gutted me out grandly. He has called out on my mistake in the best possible way. Fans quote my lyrics all the time. Hen does that just to vex me. But what Sebastian did was so honest, so raw. He must have a deep connection with the song. I just want to curl up and cry with him to help with whatever I evoked in him with that song. I don't have that kind of urge very often.

Buffy sighs. "Thank you, Jesus."

"Please call me Seb."

"I like Sebastian. It's a mouth full."

Buffy smirks. "That's it then. You won't call anyone with their preferred name."

"Shut up, Buffy." I face Sebastian again. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have judged."

Sebastian nods.

Buffy grins.

Chirp.

I grin back.

It feels good to make him proud. He is proud of me.

"So... you are a white star, who wants to be yellow and green?" Buffy asks, eyes twinkling.

"Asshole!" I jump up to punch his laughing face. He backs away bumping into Nick. He quickly straightens, all mirth gets buried into a serious looking stony face.

Tolan dumps their jackets on the back. Nick looks at us quizzically. He is dripping wet with plastered on shirt and shorts. My heart sighs at the disheveled sight of my valiant hero.

"All right?" Nick asks. I take his hand and loop through mine. He has been very brave in the river. He jumped into the water when he saw the little kid struggling to stay afloat. I can't imagine what the guide would have done if Tolan and Nick were not there today, ready to help him.

"Yes, Boss." His slaves chorus.

"Next stop, Uluru!!" I announce.

Nick sighs. "Let's get dry and eat first."

****

"YEEEEEE, HAAAAAAH!!!!!"

My throat burns after that loud scream. The men around me ignore it. The animal below me struts on.

"YEEEE-"

"It won't walk faster than that, you know that right?" Sebastian asks.

"It can race at a speed of 25 kilometers per hour, do you know that?" I shoot back. I have done my research, thank you very much.

"How many miles is that?" Buffy asks, no one in particular.

"Isn't it enough to know that it's really a lot?" I ask.

He shrugs. He is sharing his camel with Tolan. Nick got his own because of his weight. I could have joined one of them but I wanted my own freaking camel. That left Sebastian on his own as well.

We are going to a secluded villa and spend the night gazing at stars. It's so romantic just thinking about it makes me horny. I squirm on my seat in anticipation.

Sebastian leans on my side. "Can't sit? I told you we should go by jeep like normal humans."

Sebastian has grown on me considerably well. Him and I have broken the ice barrier and made milk shakes and drank them on the way here. We are buddies now. The poor guy's resting face is a scowling face. So I stopped getting offended by that.

I motion him to come closer. He leans his head. "I'm horny." I whisper.

He whips his head around to see if anyone else heard me. It is so funny, I laugh out loud. Satisfied with his reaction.

He never smiles and commands the hell out of everyone. But he is sad. I'm sure of that. I still want to curl up with him and cry.

"What is it?" Tolan shouts.

We both have drifted away from them, so Tolan is curious why I was laughing.

"Sebastian is horny!" I shout back.

"NO!!!" Sebastian thunders, his face turns a darker shade.

Tolan laughs.

Buffy chuckles.

Nick shakes his head disapprovingly at me. I put my tongue on my cheek.

"He is lying." Sebastian calls out.

"We know." Tolan grins. His face glows in the evening sunlight. I haven't spoken to him much. But I have seen him in and about the house. He always goofs around with a happy face and laughs loudly. I sometimes wonder if Nick sleeps with him. He is beautiful. In this desert sunset backdrop he looks like an oil painting.

Buffy's arm is around his chest. Tolan tilts his head back and smiles at him.

Oh, no. Are they becoming an item? If I had known I would have gone with Buffy!

Shit. No, Buffy has a girlfriend.

"They aren't together." Sebastian whispers.

I might have been staring for too long. "Oh, yeah?"

"Tolan has a boyfriend."

"Oh, good. What about you? Anyone?"

He shakes his head.

Oh, my sad, sad man. "Me too." I say.

And he fucking smiles. Oh, fuck. At least he hasn't forgotten to smile.

I wrote that song when I was hopeless and helpless, when I had forgotten to smile. It wasn't a song about my stardom like most people think. It was about my loneliness and my yearning to be seen and loved without judgement. It was before Nick.

My camel man says something which I completely don't get. His accent is so rich it's like cheese on pizza.

The guy who is guiding Buffy's camel takes pity on us. "This is the house." He points at the huge wall in front of us.

"Finally." Tolan grumbles. "I can't feel my ass."

"I can." Buffy replies.

Sebastian bites his lip to stop his smile.

Nick tries to get down.

And bends in half with a muffled squeak.

"NICK!!"

By the time I can get down from my camel, Nick is standing again with Buffy and Tolan supporting him.

"His ankle. It's swollen." Buffy says.

I stare at Nick's barefoot and all I can think is bare feet are a rare sight.

The guide gives him a flip-flop.

I kneel down to help him put his toe in. His ankle is red and his foot is airy like a balloon.

"Ash..." Nick calls, his voice is soft. I look up. "I'm okay. I must have sprained it in the river." Nick says extending his hand.

I take it and get up. "Call our doctor."

"She is on my line. Let's get him settled." Sebastian jumps up the front steps two at a time.

***

"What do you mean?" Nick is almost whining.

"I mean, you are taking complete rest."

"Yes, Boss. Just take the pill. You won't sleep with this pain otherwise." Buffy puts the pills on the table.

Nick frowns some more. Our doctor referred another doctor close by and he prescribed some pills. I asked for a scan but no one listened to me except Sebastian. He said we will have one tomorrow before leaving the city. They are all so casual about it and that's what keeps me strong. If it was just me, he would have been surrounded by doctors and nurses right now.

And Nick is acting like Nick. Being difficult.

I punch his shoulder. "Just fucking take it. Put your feet up and sleep. It's pretty easy. Just try."

"We are in a new place. I should make a few rounds."

"Rounds? On that foot? You are insane! Sebastian, you make that fucking rounds. Where's Sebastian?" I ask. He was here a minute ago.

"In the kitchen. He is cooking. We don't have to make rounds. This house is solid. The closest neighbor is sixty two miles away. And we have enabled the complete security grid and set alerts for feeds." Buffy says.

"Sixty two? That's more worrying. I need someone on duty all the time. And why is Seb cooking? Where's the appointed chef?" Nick asks, frowning.

"I didn't appoint one, didn't like the options. I thought we could takeout or get it delivered. But apparently your team is versatile." I say.

"No, no. He is making food only for Boss. We are eating takeout. Tolan will go. Let me check if Seb is done." Buffy leaves the room.

Nick is giving me the I am disappointed with the whole world stare.

"I'm getting a headache, Ash. I shouldn't have let you talk me into this. Why didn't you like the chefs?" Nick asks.

I begged him not to interfere with the planning of the vacation. I chose everything from the houses to site seeing. I have done great. He doesn't agree with me right now, but he will. By the end of the vacation he will say so.

"They were boring. I'll be right back." I jump up and run to the kitchen. I have the best idea to cheer him up.

Buffy is alone. He is transferring some white liquid to a bowl.

"What's this?"

"Porridge."

"Yucky."

"It's for Boss."

"Why on earth? Let's order something special. That's why I came. It will lift his spirits up. He is so grumpy! If you take this to him he'll throw it across the room."

"That's something you would do. Not him."

This man!

"Bravo Buffy! But believe me on this. He hates being an invalid. It makes him super snappish. Let's order something that he likes. Something fried. Sebastian!!!"

He materializes before me.

"Did you find a restaurant? What are you ordering? Make an order for Nick too, it should be deep fried and spicy and hot. Yeah. That will do."

"Tolan is checking, I'll tell him." Sebastian leaves.

Buffy is placing napkins on the tray.

I throw up my hands. "Did you even listen to me! He will hate this! Why won't you-"

He cups my face and my timer goes haywire at the contact.

"You are correct. I'm amazed that you know him so well. But... He can't have his favorite comfort food."

"Why not?" My voice is so tiny like a kitty cat's meow. His fingers are so long. They are buried in my hair. His palms have covered my face completely.

"He is... that is... with the pain killers, he needs food that's easy on his gut. Heavy food will make him vomit... Yeah." He straightens up.

Now that his hands are gone, I find my voice. "You are making this up. Aren't you?"

He laughs. "Please, Ash. This is good for him. Just follow along. Okay?"

His gaze is soft.

Chirp. Chirp.

I follow along. Following Buffy is the best thing.

That ass.

****

I wake up to the sound of water splashing. The evening sunlight peeps through the blinds. When I pull the window blinds away, bright blue reflection immediately bursts through my sight.

Pool. So very blue and long. As pictured in their site.

Tolan is in the water already. He is waving his hand at Sebastian. I open the window screen to hear better.

"Get in already. The water is perfect." Tolan splashes the water.

Sebastian gets up from the pool chair and takes off his shades then shoes.

Oh, my God. Free strip show.

I move to the other side of the room for a better angle to get the full view. The whole house is in ground level with big ass french windows. That's why I chose the house.

I can clearly see Sebastian from my new position. He doesn't notice me. Tolan has eyes only for Sebastian.

I'm a ninja.

Sebastian is on his third button. There's a bit of ink popping out. For some reason it takes him longer than necessary to get out of his shirt.

And then...

Holy mother of muscles and tattoos!!!

Is that a torso? Or a canvas? Fucking shit. The whole of his upper body is covered in wooden block art or some shit. There are letters in the boxes, a few are in different color inks but mostly black. I want to run my fingers on them and hear the stories behind them. I can bet on there being stories.

"Are... aren't you...?" Tolan starts and stops.

He looks no better than me. Has no one seen his body art before?

"Huh?" Sebastian asks, depositing his shirt on the railing.

"Pants? No swimming shorts?" Tolan asks. He sounds weird.

Hmm... I study him for a second. He looks flushed and keeps licking his lips and trying very hard not to stare at Sebastian.

Huh... I can't blame him since I too can't stop staring.

"This is fine." Sebastian shrugs.

He is so tanned and tattooed. I sigh.

He jumps into the pool. I sigh again. And then notice that someone is standing right at the end of the deck behind Tolan.

Oops. Buffy.

He is looking at me.

Whenever I get caught red handed I own it. There's no shame in drooling over some hot muscles and tattoos.

So, I shrug and nod my head towards Sebastian and say did you look at that with my eyes. I can speak with my eyes. That's a thing now. Only with Buffy. He understands my eyes and I understand his pretty well.

He smirks and struts forward. Struts. Seriously. That's not his regular walking.

Once he is close to the pool, he hooks a single finger under his shirt and pauses. I glance up at his face, what are you waiting for?

It turns out, me. He was waiting for me to wait for his undressing ceremony. Fucker. When he catches my eyes he slowly pulls up the shirt.

My timer goes TICK, TICK, TICK.

My heart goes THUD, THUD, THUD.

I don't know where to look, at first. His eyes are challenging me to stay at their level. But... but... the ceremony. My eyes follow the shirt's ascension.

He isn't muscled like Nick or Sebastian. He is somewhere between Sebastian and Tolan. Since Buffy is a tall tree in a human body there's so much torso. So much. So fucking much.

When he pulls the shirt completely off, we are staring at each other.

My timer blasts into tiny pieces.

My throat is dry. As if I have swallowed the whole of this desert. My body is hot.

No blinking. Only looking. Seeing. Feeling.

Am I breathing?

Fuck.

He smiles.

I'm not breathing. I'm panting. I'm dying actually.

He launches into the water.

I die.

I pull the blinders back and lay down on the bed trying to catch my breath.

Placing a hand on my heart, I feel it going crazy. What the fuck happened? Why the fuck it happened?

I don't care.

I place another hand on my dick. I'm so, so, so, there. All thanks to Buffy. His heated glances.

****

The next time I wake up, it is dark. I'm sticky and happy. My stomach doesn't agree though.

Also, star gazing! This place is supposed to have amazing night sky views.

I finish my shower and step out of my room to a silent house.

Sebastian is on the couch, sleeping. All his tattoos hidden behind his blanket. I tip-toe around him and peek into Nick's room. He is snoring. I just want to stand there and watch him. Maybe later. After turning off his room lights I go to the kitchen.

There's a yellow note.

'Dinner in the oven.'

Buffy must have already gone outside. I can't wait to talk to him. Ask him about this evening. Stare at him again and see if that's the cause of my very satisfactory climax. Maybe have another ceremony. This time lower half.

I pick a warm sandwich and walk out to the patio.

We can have sex in the desert sand. Wow. Sex. Why didn't I join Buffy in the pool? I could have done my own strip tease and Buffy would have become as horny as me.

I scowl at the thought. Didn't he say that sex was the last gate or something?

I chew the sandwich and think on the afternoon's events.

Was Buffy really strip teasing or was it in my head? Sure, he smiled. But he has been smiling more nowadays. There's a tender something between us when we make eye contact. Like a shared secret. An anticipation of more that is worthy of its own timer and chirp.

But... but... did Buffy really undress in front of me to make me all kinds of bothered? Or was it just him being and saying 'look at my torso as well and see whose is better'?

Did I read something which wasn't there at all?

Fuck, this is depressing. I don't have time for it.

There's a small beam of light cast from a raised deck a little farther away.

My sandwich is done when I reach it.

"Buffy?" I call out. Suddenly I'm not sure who is the figure on the opposite side of the dying embers.

"Tolan."

"Where's Buffy?" I should get him and ask him to clarify. Did you try to seduce me? Yeah, that will go really well. He will get offended and say he has a girlfriend. Shit... obviously everything is in my head. I'm imagining stuff as usual.

"Sleeping, we are on a rotation for the night shift."

I can't see his face, the fire is too small and covered by some screen. It's too dark.

"Then why are you not actually guarding the house?" I ask and sit down.

"Aren't you here, safe and warm?"

"Really, is it a requirement? To be a bodyguard one has to have this amount of sass?"

He tilts his head. "Thanks, I guess?"

I huff. He is always looking for compliments. He must be getting too many for his pretty face.

"Lie down, the view is better." He says extending a blanket.

I wrap the blanket and lay down to look at the sky.

"I don't see any stars."

He lays down next to me. Not next, next, I can reach him if I put my hand out all the way, next.

"Your eyes have to adjust. Wait."

I wait. Nothing happens. It's too loud in the quietness. I close my eyes.

When it becomes too much, naturally, I say something I shouldn't.

"I had the best sex today."

There's a beat of silence.

"Same." He says.

"I was alone."

"Me too."

I sigh. "What does that say about all other sexual encounters if my best was my own company?"

"I had company. In my mind."

"Your boyfriend?"

There's no response. I open my eyes. The sky twinkles. But my mind doesn't latch on it. It's on Tolan.

I make a guess. "Sebastian?"

His head whips to my side. "No! What even? What? He is straight!"

"That is not a clean no."

He lets out a chuckle. "What does it say about me that I love a man and jerk off for another man who isn't even available?"

I shrug. My opinions on sex are considered controversial. I don't offer them to strangers. And Tolan is a stranger I'm trying to win over for Buffy's sake.

Tolan shifts. "Please don't tell him. I won't be able to look him in the eyes. As it is I can't."

"Of course. Your secret is forgotten."

"It's not just physical attraction, you know? It's more." He says.

I blink. Is he really explaining his love life to me? Me? This is new. I usually have to force people to spill their secrets to me.

"What more?" I ask.

"I love Abeer. My boyfriend. He is fun. He makes me laugh and it has been a great year."

"But?"

"There's no but. We have fights and disagreements and disappointments. That's what relationship is all about. Right? All the messiness made better after a single hug or a secret smile?"

"And I thought you are just a pretty face." I confess. It must be the stars. They make an honest man out of me.

"You should stop judging people. Rob told me what happened at the river. I wish I was there when Seb sang."

"He recited."

"Whatever. When he explains something, you want to listen. Like, really listen. I used to hate you. Just on principle alone."

I grunt. The wooden planks on my back are not comfortable. I adjust the blanket.

"Seriously, how is it fair that you get to be a billionaire when there are hundreds and thousands of people, more talented people on the streets still waiting for a break?"

I have heard it all before. It's a boring topic.

"We were discussing this one day, in the break room. Seb was finally becoming full time. I was telling him how rude you are and how the money has made you insufferable."

"I think Nick hires you people on the sole qualification of abundant hatred for me."

He yawns. "You would be surprised to know the number of fans around you."

"Surprise me." As a theory, owing to the size of my fan base, I guess I should have fans in my staff. But nobody usually volunteers that information to me. Sebastian is the first.

He swats a hand at me. "As I was saying, I was complaining about you to Seb."

"Right." This guy is more interested in his story.

"You know what he asked? If you have enough money to spend for quality why would you be willing to suffer incompetence? Why would you tolerate something you don't like? He explained that's what makes rich people rude. Though it's not correct, it's why they're that way. And we should not judge them based on that, especially someone as young as Ash."

"Wow, was Buffy there?"

"I don't remember. But I remember feeling respect for Seb. He is so different from all the men I know. We have known each other for quite some time now. I haven't heard him insult anyone. He is a great guy. I shouldn't have done that today. I feel bad. I'm a mess. That's what I am."

"All of us are." It is super weird to give advice to someone. I'm doing it anyway. "We are driven by emotions and emotions are messy since they're mostly chemicals in our brains. It's all a hoax."

I turn back to the sky, thinking. "You know what? Ask Abeer to come here. You can take the next week off and have a vacation. I'll tell Nick."

"For real?"

"Yeah, why not? I'll pay his airfare." At least let him have a romantic vacation. What's the meaning of stargazing if not done with someone close to your heart?

"If I hadn't already stopped hating you, I would stop right now."

"Thanks, I guess?"

He snorts. "Anyway, he won't come. We had a fight. He is in the Rockies for a meet up. He wanted me to join him, I wanted him to come here. We fought. It's stupid. But we haven't spoken to each other yet. Are we drifting apart?"

I think about it. "A fight alone can't be telling. Drifting is like that lost raft on the river. Once things that made you happy and excited are now faraway pictures. You don't want them strong enough to chase them. It doesn't happen in one day, not with people we love. But when the calloused moments pile up, it is telling. Do you feel like that?"

"I don't know." He whispers.

That's a not a good answer. "You will know for sure when it happens." I say.

"Hmm... can you see the stars now?"

I can. It's brilliant. Tolan stays silent. I push away the unnecessary thoughts of drifting away and drink in the view.

***
"The swelling hasn't gone down." I scrutinize Nick's ankle.

"It has. I am absolutely fine." Nick says, expecting me to challenge him.

I simply shrug and get on the bed and hug him.

He pushes his breakfast tray away and leans back. "Did you like the night sky?"

"It was great. That's why we're staying tonight. You must see it." I want to watch it with him and Buffy.

"Who was with you last night?"

"The twink."

"Twink? Oh no... Do you mean Tolan?"

"Yeah." I pick at his shirt collar. It must be an old shirt. The tip of the collar is frayed from my years of picking at it. I should make him wear the shirts I bought for him. I'm tired of the black.

"Ash, no. Don't call him that. Okay?"

"Why? Who is a twink anyway?" I gape at his face innocently.

Nick sighs. My whole body sighs with his.

"Twink in general is a young queer. Who is attractive with boyish features."

"He suits the definition." I mumble, suddenly jealous of Tolan. I am not a complete twink. I'm not attractive like him. I'm made to look attractive by stylists and make up artists. He is naturally beautiful and attractive.

"He has been fighting that image for a long time. He doesn't want to be known as a twink. He built his muscles and removed his piercings so that men will take him seriously."

Oh, the irony of human life. "Why do we fight for approval from others? Why can't we be happy with what we are?"

Nick hums. "Beats me."

"Do you like twinks?"

"Aaah. I should have known."

"Oh, come on." I hit his chest. It's frustrating how difficult he makes it to get any information on his sex life.

"Why aren't you with F right now? Why didn't she come? What happened?"

"Is this your subtle way of changing the subject? Because it's the opposite of subtle!"

"No, I'm just pointing out we are all entitled to some privacy. I'm not asking you about F, don't ask me about my taste in men. Good?"

I hug him tighter. "You can ask me about F. Ask away." It's funny how Hen and Nick are sweating through their collective brains to find out the identity of my mystery girl.

"What's-"

I place a hand on his mouth.

"No names. I'm not going to ask which twink you like." Mostly because it'll make me jealous.

He pulls my hand away. I hold it in mine. Such a big palm, I love to hold it.

"I just want to know if she is safe."

I kick his shin. "I told you! We haven't done anything!"

"Fuck. I'm not talking about pregnancy! I'm talking about her character. Is she trustworthy?"

I sigh. "Yes. Absolutely. F knows some of my precious secrets. I haven't seen them in tabloids."

"Secrets? Which one?" His hand leaves mine to run over his head.

"You don't know them, Nick."

He looks taken aback at that. "Oh... okay. Good. Good. I'm glad."

"You don't sound glad. What is it?"

"I'm happy, more than happy. I am just surprised. Don't move too fast okay? Relationships need time. Give yourself time."

I think about the pool. I think about the chirps. I think about how it's all my imagination.

"It's very confusing. It's like a dance. For my every step forward, there's a step backwards."

And I don't even understand where I want to be with Buffy.

His hand rests on my head. "You are this giant source of energy. She must be overwhelmed. I'm sure, given the time, she will step right into your arms."

If anything, I'm the overwhelmed one. Not Buffy. "Can you give me some seduction tips?"

He chuckles. "I have kissed only one girl, till now."

My heart speeds up. Finally some juicy news. "How many times?"

"One time."

"How many boys?" My fingers are restless. I grip his collar to keep them still.

"Too many."

"You are a playboy." I wish I met him when he was a carefree, middle school boy.

'Dude, what ya up to?'
'Nothin'
'Wanna kiss?'
'Sure.'

"Says you." Nick teases.

In my imagination, middle school me asking a kiss from middle school Nick was so easy. In real life it's so fucking difficult to even bring it up. "Do you think I get willing bed partners because I am famous?"

"Yes."

"Oh." The pain is sharp.

His free hand wraps around my waist. "I'm sorry. I don't mean that... you will get girls even if you're working in a grocery store. You have that charm. But you don't have to use it when you're the Angel voice Ash."

"Why grocery store?" I ask, surprised.

Nick laughs. All loud and vibrating.

I just watch him. I'm literally on top of him. He is a sexually available gay man. Why doesn't he find me attractive? Where's my charm? Why doesn't it work on him?

I poke his stomach. "Stop. I'm sad."

"For grocery store?"

"No. We are talking about sex. I want to have sex. Don't you?" This is the closest I have come to ask him about us in the context of sex.

He laughs again. "You should have brought F with you."

I'm disappointed. It's like he can't even put him and I and sex in the same sentence.

"Well, don't you?" I want an answer.

He sits up. "No, Ash. I don't."

"Why?" I get out of the bed. Hurt beyond measure.

"I'm not a teenager always thinking about sex. I'm a mature-"

"Old man, who snores!" I stomp my foot, angry and petty.

Nick smiles, sweet and heart breaking. "Exactly." He nudges my shoulder when I don't react. "Let's see what the boys are up to."

****
A/N: Next chapter is also available, technically continuation of this one because I wrote too much.