"It is the best vacation ever! THE BEST!" I jump on my bed.

Hen laughs on my screen. "Sit down, boy. I can only stare at so much body hair. Show me your face."

How can I not grant his wish? I miss him and miss him and miss him some more.

I grab the iPad and lay down on my back. "I wish you were here. It's perfect. Absolutely perfect. I have never been this happy. I am so happy!"

His face crinkles in all the right places. Taking time off from work is doing him wonders. His eyes look bright.

"I can see that. What was your favorite?"

"Stupid question. Didn't you see the pictures?"

"You sent close to five hundred!"

I roll my eyes. "Yeah. I chose the best ones. Did you see the safari pics? Dancing Kangaroo? Our matching vests? Isn't that cool? We went on this big ass roller coaster. My god! It was scary as shit. Sebastian said I would vomit for sure. We had a bet. Do you know who won?"

"You?"

I grin and thump my chest. "Yes, Hen. ME! Do you know who vomited? Toll! He became green. It was awful. But he didn't give up. We both went on five more rides. They were so good."

"Toll?"

"Tolan." I explain. How he got that name is a story for another day.

Hen nods. "Seb and Tolan don't trouble you?"

"Trouble? You drongo!"

He squints. "What's that?"

"It's Australian for love you."

'He is calling you an idiot.' Sara calls out in the background.

Hen pouts. I laugh. "They are great, Hen. You know, Toll took me to a restaurant last week. I was sure I was going to shit myself. I was waiting for someone to recognize me."

"Wait... wait... you went to a restaurant with just Tolan?" His eyes become saucers.

"Yeah! Isn't that great? The night we spent in Kangaroo Island, I told him I haven't been to one in a long time. He just got up, took the car keys and we were off."

Hen clutches his head. "Where was Nick?"

"He was asleep. He doesn't know. Don't you dare tell him? Okay?"

"Ash..."

"It was perfectly safe. Sebastian came with us and waited in the car. We would have left in a blink of an eye. But we didn't have to. But Buffy found out. So we had to leave anyway. But I ate fish."

"I'm getting dizzy."

I narrow my eyes at him. "You are fine. You are just jealous. Have you been on a camel, Hen? Camel... I felt like an Arabian prince!"

Hen laughs. "I saw that picture. You looked like a lost, starving american boy!"

"That's the sun. Sebastian is going to train me once we are back. I'm going to build my stamina. Soon I'll have so many muscles, even Nick will want to hire me!!"

Hen laughs along with me.

"How does it feel to have new friends?" He asks.

"Who?"

"Tolan and Sebastian. Aren't they your friends now?"

I grin. "They are. It's so much fun. Sebastian is hard core. I went zip lining with him. I was screaming my lungs out. He was cool as a cucumber. Toll is a little bit like me. Fun loving and awesome. Oh, you should see his imitation of your rants. He is a mimicry god! I almost died laughing!"

Hen taps his chin. "I have to ask Nick and Rob. Nick must be stressing out."

"He is not. Didn't you see his picture with martini? He is enjoying the hell out of this vacation. Buffy kinda makes sure we don't over do things. It is really mind blowing how everything worked out. We are having one great fucking vacation."

"Your cheeks are gonna hurt."

I grin even bigger.

"I'm so happy, I don't care!!" I spread out my hands and stretch.

"What's the plan for today?"

"Waterfalls. And cliff jumping."

"NO..."

"YES. No one knows. They're all thinking it is just a waterfall. But it has a cliff. And it all comes with the property! Privately owned waterfalls! I want one. I told Kester."

The house is two levels with two bedrooms each. With a big lawn spotting stone benches and a picturistic fence. The property has its own hiking trails and waterfalls. So the fence is just for a show. The real boundaries are wire fenced hidden in the forest.

My own paradise tucked in a forest. I fell in love with the idea right away.

"Ash... Promise me. You have to stay safe."

"Promise... ummma... show me the other cheek... ummma... bye, bye Hen."

"Bye."

****

"No way." Nick scowls.

"Please, Nick. This is the lamest cliff. Please." I look at Toll for help.

"It's free fall. Gives me the creeps." He shudders.

"It's dangerous. There's a reason these are not allowed." Nick says.

I throw up my hands. "Please! I'll wear the life jacket!"

I gaze at Sebastian with pleading eyes, he will figure out a way. He convinced Nick to zip lining. And it was taller than this.

He shakes his head.

I glare at him and turn back. Suddenly Buffy is standing close to me.

"I'll hold him, Boss."

My heart jumps.

"What do you mean?" Nick asks.

"I can jump with him. I have done it before."

I grin at Buffy and launch towards Nick. "Say yes! Say yes! Buffy will keep me safe! Say yes!"

Nick walks to the cliff and looks down. That's a success in itself. "I don't know. What if there are rocks below?"

"I can go down and check out." Toll offers.

"I'll get the chairs and towels." Sebastian joins.

"All right." Nick concedes and comes back to sit on a rock near a tree trunk.

"Thank you!!!! I love you!!! I love you all!!!"

Buffy catches me before I can spin. "Careful."

I nod. "Okay. Okay."

"Why are you so eager to do this?" He asks.

"Adrenaline junkie." Nick says.

"Hey! I'm not. It's in my bucket list."

"Is jumping from a flying plane in the list?" Nick asks with a smile.

"YES!"

Buffy smiles at Nick. "Right, Boss. Adrenaline junkie."

I want to bang their stupid heads together. But I am too happy.

"HELLO!!" A shout echoes hitting on the rocks.

Buffy goes to the tip of the cliff and peers down. "Good?"

"The best! Get down guys! I'll video." Toll shouts.

"Oh my God." I hug Nick. He chuckles.

"Is that swim wear?" He points at my shorts.

I nod. "What should I do now? Gimme instructions."

"Remove the shirt. Don't let go of Rob."

I nod and my hands shake as I pull off my shirt.

When I look up, Buffy is already shirtless, next to the cliff. His hand extended, waiting for me.

The cliff is several feet away from where Nick has settled. The walk takes forever.

I take Buffy's hand and go behind him. He laughs. "What are you doing? Come to the front. We will take a few steps back and come forward in a run. Bend your knees while going down. Let your body loose. Okay?"

I nod like mad. I'm going to die.

He gets in position. His arms slip under mine and wrap my middle in hard grip.

I shudder. He gently pushes me back into his body. His skin is warm, my spine doesn't want to stay still. I rub a little. Goosebumps rise on my back and spread to the front.

"Ready?" He whispers in my ear.

Cliff jumping is the most sexual thing. I lick my lips and whisper back, "yeah."

I glance at Nick. He grins and gives a thumbs up, now comfortably sitting on a chair.

"Take pictures!" I call out to Sebastian who is spreading a picnic towel. He waves his phone.

And then we were running and my heart is kicking a fuss and then,

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH"

and then, my mouth is filled with cold water.

I kick up and come up for air. Buffy is treading the water a foot away. "Good?"

"GREAT!!! LET'S DO THIS AGAIN."

He is already swimming to the shore. I follow him.

"That was awesome!" Toll claps my shoulder.

I grin at him. "Do you want to?"

"Your Buffy can't handle me."

"I can." Buffy flicks his wet hair on Toll's face.

"Carry me, then." Toll jumps on him.

They both fall back into the water laughing and spluttering.

Sebastian hands me a towel. "They aren't together." He whispers.

"Could have fooled me." I say and hand him back the towel, "we are doing it again. Do you want to go?"

"Nah. I'm good. We have fried chicken."

We both trek back to the top. It's a man made path with branches to balance. My shoes make airy sounds as we go up. I can't help it. I turn back to the duo. They're finally out of the water.

Am I jealous of Toll? Yes, I am.

Nick is eating a sandwich. "Enjoyed?"

"It was over too soon. Doing it again."

"Of course." He says. "We are spending the afternoon here boys." He leans back on the chair.

I show him my tongue and go back to the cliff end.

"Wait for Rob!" Nick shouts.

"I will! Don't worry."

Buffy jogs over, all smiling and wet.

This time, we have wet shorts between us. It makes hugging more intimate. I wonder where his dick is. If we are the same height then it will be a correct fit. I sigh.

"Ready?" His voice is barely a whisper. Just a gust of air.

I nod. And we jump. This time, I put my hands up and watch the mountains around us and scream.

"YAY!!"

This time, he doesn't let me go when we hit the water. He spins me around, we both bob up and down. "My ears are bleeding. Stop screaming."

I grab his shoulders and scream in his ear. "YAY!"

He pushes me away. I race him to the shore. He climbs up without waiting. I watch his ass. I suddenly remember that he was holding on to my ass back in the water. Shit.

He has a towel around his waist, eating a chicken leg when I trek up.

"We aren't done yet!" I grab his arm and pull him.

"We are not?" He asks, eyes wide.

"NO."

"Enjoy, Rob." Sebastian waves a chicken piece.

"Save me some." Buffy calls back, throwing his towel at him.

This time, I place my arms on his and slot my fingers in between his long ones.

His breath hits my neck and his lips grace my ear lobe when he says, "ready?"

I rub my ear on his lips as an answer. He takes a shuddering breath and we are off.

This time, I don't scream. I turn my head back and watch the sky. Buffy's right arm moves and graces my chest.

We hit the water looking at each other. He pulls me closer. Chest to chest.

My heart is going to burst open my ribs.

He swipes my hair from my forehead. "Wanna do it again?"

I nod. His hand is still on my face. He slowly trails his fingers down to my shoulder.

"Let's go."

He is suddenly moving fast with wide strokes.

What's this game? I don't know the rules. I am just hard. So, I am going to continue playing.

Nick and co barely glance at us. They are in some deep discussion.

"What are they talking about?" I ask Buffy.

"A new exercise routine."

He looks unaffected. When I try to go in front of him he stops me. "You can do it on your own."

"What?" I feel like tripping. Didn't he like what happened in the water?

"I will hold your hand and we'll jump together, okay?"

"Why?"

"More adrenaline, Ash. Come on."

He is messing with my head.

"Okay." I grab his hand. He slants our fingers together and smiles.

"On three."

One... two... three...

We jump.

I scream. I laugh. I almost break his fingers.

And then water.

And then I'm hugging him. His face is pressed into my neck. I don't want to let go.

I hate making out in water. I hate the third medium in between. It should be just skin on skin. I hate that slippery sensation when kissing in water. But right now? I am all in for making out.

He rubs my back. "Happy?" He asks.

His face is still in the crook of my neck. I kiss the edge of his cheek. "Yes, thank you." I'm shivering in excitement.

He does something then. Something I least expect. He kisses the ridge between my shoulder and neck.

I hug him tighter. He kisses again. More firm. Longer. My legs are twining around his thighs. I'm shaking all over.

He kisses right below my ear and I moan.

He looks up. "I wanted to try that for sometime now."

I can't form any words. I just ask him in my eye language. What?

"Kiss like you. Did I do it like you?"

I nod. With lots of effort I untangle from him and swim to shore. "Don't do it again, unless..."

"What?"

We are both close to the shore. I hoist myself up and stare at the front of my shorts accusingly. There's no point in hiding it anymore. If I let him think that I still see him as a friend then it will be the biggest lie. Undoubtedly I'm going to dream about his kisses. I'm going to touch myself when I think about the kisses. It's as well he knows it.

He pulls his lips into his mouth and ducks into the water.

I don't know what the hell it means. So I go back up.

***
All the up and down hiking has made my thighs jelly. When Toll wanted to check out the local gay bar scene I gave my blessings to all of them.

Sebastian offered to stay back. It's just us this evening.

Or so I thought.

That's definitely Buffy in his room. He is on the phone. I can hear his voice when I come out of my room.

I slowly make my way there.

He turns to the door somehow sensing me.

He puts down the phone and smiles. "Slept well?"

I shrug and enter his room casually. "You guys didn't go?"

"They both went. I was tired."

"Nick?" I sit down on the bed. His room is smaller than mine. But as big as my bedroom back home. A full view of the mountains is framed by his windows. Fuck, I love this house.

"Has gone to meet a friend." He sits next to me.

I scoff. "Friend! Grindr."

He shrugs. "Yeah."

"It's just us, then?" My simple words, once out, sound complex. With Buffy, it is so easy to get out so much with so little words. But with Nick even with direct, on the nose words, I can't break through.

"Yes, do you want to talk about it?"

"No." I stare hard at the window. I don't want him to let me down gently. I want us to fuck hard and fast.

He doesn't drag the conversation like we usually do. "Okay. Umm... okay." He gets up. "I'm going to make coffee."

He is out of the room before I can reply. I follow him to the kitchen. "Do you want some?" He asks when I don't talk.

"No."

Looking at him working, I become restless in ten seconds.

I step right behind him. As far as seduction techniques go, it's pathetic. But, the only other person I tried seducing was Nick. Nothing can compare to that embarrassment.

I don't even know if I'm trying to seduce him. I just need him close. I place my head on his back. His shirt is cool against my hot skin.

He goes still. Then shifts his body to face me. "I want to talk."

"No." I have to escape. This is dumb. Buffy won't give me what I want.

As if he can sense my fidgety legs, he puts a hand on my shoulder.

"I don't-" I lose my words as his head comes down to rest on my shoulder.

My heart has never been this loud. Not even during my first live concert.

His lips are soft on my skin. I clutch his elbow to stop from falling.

He kisses along my neck, sending shivers down my body.

He nibbles my ear.

I can't take it anymore. I pull his head to mine, "I warned you."

His gaze dances over my face as if he is looking at me for the first time.

I think I move first. His lips capture mine and everything unwinds really fast.

My fingers dig into his chin as I try to get hold of his lips for a deeper kiss. He relents. I get full access to that hot mouth. His hands trace my sides and bring me closer to him. I want more. I try to get more but I can't. I can't move closer when he's bent in half.

I put my leg over his hip, it slides over.

"Ash, Ash..." Buffy whispers, halting my attempts. "What are you doing?"

"Better position. Your hips. My legs." He understands. Thank the ever fucking God.

He hoists me up. My limbs automatically wrap around his body and we are back to kissing. My back is pressed against a wall. My front is pressed against another wall. His strong, unyielding chest.

His hands are on my ass. His fingers dig into the flesh and bring out a variety of moans from my throat.

"Buffy, this is my first time." I announce when we come up for air.

He frowns, "how?" His fingers are making delicious circles on my ass.

"With a dick." I explain. It's the first time I'm getting something I yearned. I don't have to tell him that. He doesn't have to know how much I want him.

"Are you calling me a dick?" He kisses my cheek.

"Yes." I kiss him back. I'm so happy.

"Here I thought you liked me."

"You are delusional." I kiss his jaw.

"You are heartless." He kisses my nose.

"I don't need it. Do you need this?" I bite his ear.

"No." He licks my cheek.

"I bet you love this." My fingers slip behind his neck and I slide my lips down his throat.

"Speaking of bets..." he shudders when I suck on his Adam apple.

"Yes?" I bring my head up to watch his face. His lips, his eyes, his hair... he looks delicious.

"Can you please stop acting?" His fingers are on my thighs.

"Acting?" I want to grind against him.

He moves his hips. We moan together.

He stops. "With Tolan and Seb."

"Huh?" I blink.

He slowly eases me down. When my legs don't support me, he hugs me, taking my weight.

"You are leading them on." He whispers.

I look up, take a steadying breath and ask with the most patient voice I can muster. "Can we go back to what we were doing?"

His fingers grace my sides. I lean back on the wall with a sigh.

"After you promise me that you will stop leading them on."

"What the fuck are you talking about?" His hands are marvelous. They are working their magic on my waist.

"Tolan and Seb. Please stop whatever you are doing with them."

"I'm doing exactly what you asked me."

"I asked you to be real. But you are being fake."

"I'm not."

"Are you telling me you're spending time with the guys because you like them? Really like them? You got close to them both with the snap of a finger!"

"What are you getting at?" I'm losing more than my patience.

"Are you going to keep being friends with them when we go back?"

"Yes, when I have time."

"You'll never have time for them. You will hurt them by ruthlessly cutting them off and won't even realize it. I have seen how you treat people when you no longer need them. I still remember how you ignored that girl in that award function. You had worked with her and when she wanted to be friendly, you treated her like shit. She got you a gift! You didn't even open it. Tolan is already talking about making you a mimicry video. I don't want to console him when you put it away without listening. When I asked you to be friends I didn't mean for you to bewitch-"

"Stop."

I don't know what makes me more angry. The thought that he always thinks of me as a bad person or the thought that I finally believed he likes me without reservations.

He still thinks so little of me. I'm nothing but a heartless celebrity to him.

"Why? I'm telling the truth. You are all chummy with them without showing your true self."

"Fuck you. You think you have figured me out?" I push him away. "News flash! You don't. You fucking don't. It's just you, who keeps calling me fake. Do you even know what that means?"

He runs a hand over his face. "It means you wear a fancy mask, have a different face and act different, around different people and it's all a lie."

My head buzzes with white noise. I push through. "Oh, yeah. Then Buffy, you are a hypocrite! You want to talk about masks, different faces? You have a face for your boss, it says he is your friend and mentor but secretly you're crushing on him. You act like you and Tolan are friends, but obviously there's something more. And...you have a very complicated, confusing face just for me. Don't you? A face that says you are better than me but... but... here we are." I flail my arms, I am shaking. "For fucks sake! You have a girlfriend! Oh my God! GIRLFRIEND! Who is fake? Who is being ultra truthful? Huh?"

I can't stand there. I hate him. I hate him so much! I leave him there gaping and storm to my room and slam the door. I hope he can hear it down in the kitchen.

My body burns wherever he touched me. Not in the bad way. In a good yearning way. I miss your fingers, way. I want them back right now, way. I hope he comes back and says sorry. I hope we make up and make out. The ghost of his fingers are still pressing into my skin.

Fuck, I am so pathetic. I don't need him. I fucking don't want him. He doesn't know me. I really like Sebastian and Tolan. I don't have to prove it to him. Fuck him.

I curl up and order myself not to cry.

It's Nick who finds me half an hour later.

"Hey..." he leans down, "...still tired?"

"You smell of bodily fluids." I tell him without getting up.

"Oh." He sniffs his shirt.

I throw a pillow at him. Suddenly, irrationally angry at him. He goes out and sleeps around with strangers when I am right here. I don't have to worry about the likes of Buffy if Nick accepts me.

"Okay. Okay. I'll take a shower. Sorry."

He leaves the room.

I want to scream. Will he ever see me as anything other than a kid?

A wave of self pity washes over me.

I want someone to be so in love with me that they can't stay away from me. I want someone to look at me like I am the most precious person in their life. Not because they like my songs or my financial statements. I want to be loved for no reason at all. In spite of all reasons. An epic love. An all consuming love. I want someone to love me the way I love.

I want that someone to be Nick. I have pet names for almost everyone. But not for Nick. I want him to call me something sweet and silly. Will I ever have it?

The uncertainty is all consuming. I let it eat me until nothing is left.

After I become hollow and empty, my head clears. I can't mope around and expect things to happen.

Putting on the flip flops I venture out into the cool night. It was quiet in the earthy way. The numerous bugs that finally get the center stage are making a grand orchestra. If I concentrate enough I can catch their rhythm.

As I round the corner I get swamped by the heavy smell of cigarette. I start coughing right away.

"Oh my God." Toll jumps in the dark.

I'm shocked to say the least. They're not allowed to smoke. It's against their contract. On a different day, I may have blackmailed him.

Today, I have no heart.

I walk and walk until my feet are tickled by the soft grass.

In the lawn, I find Sebastian on a bench. All alone.

I plomp next to him. He gives me a yellow strip.

"What's this?"

"Sun dried pineapple."

I have nothing against sun dried pineapples. I take it and start chewing.

"I thought you guys will stay out." If I am going to a gay bar in a strange country I will stay out. I have no strange country to go though.

"Not my scene." He says.

There are lawn lights behind every bush that dot the grass. It almost feels like a stage. My next concert is in two days. And then back to LA. I have a very hectic schedule for next year. I don't think we'll have a break like this anytime soon.

"You should have sent Nick with Toll. Nick would enjoy the scene."

"He wouldn't."

Sebastian has a way of talking. He doesn't make eye contact while talking. Only after or before. It is skittish as if he is afraid of the reaction. I must have scared him in the river.

"Why?"

"He is always worrying about you. He won't stay long enough to enjoy it."

"He is a workaholic." He has loosened up a lot in the past week. He has that lazy smile on and lets me jump down from mountain tops and waterfalls.

"Even if he isn't, you won't let him out of your sight for more than half an hour."

I shrug. "I pay him to stay with me."

Sebastian tilts his head to study me, holding my eye contact. "He gets offers with better pays every other week."

My fingers curve around the bench in hard grip. "Who the fuck is trying to snatch him? I'll sue them till bankruptcy!"

He shakes his head. "Do you believe someone can snatch him with a better pay?"

My fingers loosen. "No way. Nick won't leave me."

"Why is that?"

"He loves me." It is never a question. There is no second guessing.

"Do you love him?"

I gape at him. "Have I ever given a reason to doubt that?"

"No. But you don't let him live his life. It's almost like you are both codependent."

I have no mental capacity to discuss this. But Sebastian is an unbiased third party. I may as well try.

"I'm not stopping him from having a life. I wish he would see me as an adult and take my words seriously." Like when I say I want to have sex.

"You have to act like an adult, Ash. He thinks you need governance all the freaking time. He can't even date anyone."

I don't like the blame for more than one reason. "That's not true. He isn't ready."

"Bullshit. He doesn't have a chance to go out and look for prospects."

I scoff. "What prospects. He is surrounded by men!"

Everytime he gets a new guy on the team, I worry that he may get close to him and fall for him.

Sebastian grimaces. "His colleagues! Seriously, you can't think that he would date one of his boys?"

"Why not?" I look back at the house. There's no light on his room. Must have slept after his shower. Sex and shower works as well as any sleeping pill.

"Nick is known in the security circle for his integrity. He is so very good at what he does. A very good leader. One year under him and my job options are already high profile. Such a reputation doesn't come from sleeping with his employees. Ask Corey. He will tell you stories of men who were head over heels for him and how he let them down all in the name of keeping work and personal life separate."

"Oh." I didn't know. Does that mean...

"Oh, indeed. He will never date anyone in our circle and he has no chance to meet anyone out of this circle."

That must be it. The reason. But... "How to fix it?"

"Give him day offs. If he realizes that you can take care of yourself, he may get ready to move on."

I nod. I'm not going to give him day offs to hook up with strangers. I can do the other thing. "I want him to understand that I have grown up and have become a man. How to do that?"

"I don't know. What makes someone grown up?"

"Beard?" I guess.

Sebastian smiles. His smiles are rare and beautiful. "Reliability. Stability. You are the second most unreliable man I know, only next to Tolan."

I kick the dirt. "How to be stable and reliable?"

"I don't know. I think it is more than one thing. You do things after thinking through. You don't make rash decisions. Traits like that."

A shadow of a man walks towards us.

Toll.

"What are you guys talking about?" He asks, hugging his middle.

"What makes a person stable?" I ask him.

"Easy. Relationship. If you are in a long term relationship people automatically think you are stable."

Sebastian sighs.

"You don't agree?" Toll challenges.

"I do. But you should not get into a relationship so that people will think you are stable. That's counter productive."

Toll deflates. "Yeah, that's true. But listen, Ash... about the thing... you saw..." he stares at me.

I roll my eyes. "Don't do it again. If Nick finds out you will be out on the streets in a blink of an eye."

He nods. "Thanks. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. It won't happen again. Never. I'm done."

"Good for you."

He runs his hand through his hair. He looks like how I feel. "Okay. I'm turning in. You guys carry on with your heart to heart."

He jogs back into the darkness.

"Was he smoking?" Sebastian asks once he is gone.

"How do you know?" I couldn't smell it just now. He must have chewed on some gum.

"I didn't know until this evening. I saw the pack. I was shocked. I think he must be stressed. He got a call from his boyfriend. After that he didn't want to stay."

It's understandable. They were fighting. And Sebastian is part of that equation. Does he want to be?

"Do you like him?"

He doesn't miss a beat. "Do you like Rob?"

I don't miss a beat either. "I hate him. I absolutely hate him."

"I won't tell anyone."

"See if I care. So you like Toll."

"It doesn't matter."

"You might have a chance. I think." I don't know why I am playing cupid. I'm not the luckiest in that department.

"It doesn't matter though."

"Why?"

"I'm not... I'm..." he trails off to the chorus of the frog song.

I wait for something more. It doesn't happen.

I sigh. "I don't understand. I can't imagine a more welcoming work setup than yours. Fuck, your boss is gay, you have team mates in the fold. Tell me, what's the issue here?"

He turns and stares at me for a second and turns away. "You won't get it."

"Why?"

"Now you love yourself too much and forgot what it is to be me."

I feel a chill when he glances back.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

He looks away again.

"Oh, I'm burning
Whispers of strangers
Withering friends
It burns
It burns
And burns
Still, why am I dirty?"

I can't feel my face. How the fuck? How? From where?

This song was never released. There is only one acoustic trial version I did on YouTube when I was fifteen. I took it down even before I became a known YouTuber.

"I'm not a stalker. I subscribed to your channel when you participated in the weekly challenge thing. I liked your voice and music. You had two songs and three subscribers. In the academy we didn't get much internet. I downloaded songs to my phone whenever I got on the internet, I still have them. Your old songs. This song is like... it's my..."

"Can I hug you?"

He shakes his head. He stares into the dark forest without blinking.

"After dropping out of academy I was with Martin. He got me a full time detail with an entrepreneur's team when my training was done. I ran into Nick quite accidentally. When he told me who his client was, I had to join."

"And Nick let you?" I'll be surprised if he did.

"No. It was not easy. I had to prove myself that I wasn't some star struck idiot. Initially he gave me only part time. You know, front gate duty. I also had a contract with the other team. So I couldn't ask for more. For close to two years all I could get were glimpses of you. But I was glad of the glimpses. Some days I got to watch you on stage and feel so much." He sighs and leans back.

I want to say something, anything. But I don't.

"Only last year I became full time, one of the boys. I owe Martin and Nick my livelihood. But I owe my life to you. You are my hero."

I choke on a breath. I'm no hero. He didn't make me a hero due to a chart burster song. It's for a song no one remembers. It doesn't even exist.

"I'm always thankful for the days I can hear you sing. You helped me heal. You are still helping. Maybe, one day I'll ask for a hug." He clears his throat. "Can I ask you something?"

"Sure." At this point he can ask me anything.

"For every album release, I kept waiting. But it never came. Why didn't you release that song?"

My throat hurts and my eyes sting. It takes me forever to voice the answer. "Maybe I don't love myself that much."

He nods.

I feel more naked than I have felt in a long, long time.

He clears his throat again. "I'm sorry for fanboying. I promised myself never to do it. When Boss told me that I'm on this tour with you, I prepared myself not to fanboy. I'm so sorry."

I groan. "You shouldn't have. Now I'm having so many feels and I don't have my guitar."

He perks up. "I can get it."

"My phone, guitar and a glass of milk."

"Coming right up."

I spend the remainder of the night in total angst and make Sebastian cry a few times.

It is one of the best nights. It will go in my autobiography.

****

By lunch next day, I have come to some conclusions for the betterment of my life goals.

The person who needs to know that knocks on my door.

I'm ready to accept his apology. I'll hear his apology and forgive him and tell him what exactly I want from him.

As soon as my eyes land on his face, the only emotion I feel is anger.

It's so ugly and powerful.

I want to hurt him. I want him to suffer. I want him to curl in his bed and cry.

"Can we talk?"

"Sit down." I command, I will not give him the satisfaction of knowing that he hurt me. I will not. Fuck him.

He obeys.

"I was talking to Sebastian. Did you know that Nick doesn't date people he works with?"

He is so confused by my question his face goes slack. "Huh?"

"Nick. Has he ever been with anyone in the team or the office staff or anyone you know?"

He takes a second to answer. "No. Why?"

"He has a goddamned policy! He doesn't mix work with personal life. Did you know that?"

"I... yeah... it's in our guide book. I never thought much of it." He murmurs.

"It changes everything. All I have to do is make him realize that I don't need him. Not like, don't need him. I do need him. I just don't need him as my staff. Because then he wouldn't date me. It's not like we have to date. He just has to realize I'm available for him romantically."

I make the mistake of looking at his face. The satisfaction of hurting him is raced out by the pain spreading over his features. I get up. I'll break down if I sit here.

"Find out if it's true. Corey knows it seems. Talk to him. I want to know. Okay? I'm going, I have to do the insta story." I take my phone from the table. I have no story, I just need to not look at him.

I catch hold of the room door and look at my fingers in shock. Why am I shaking?

"Ash..." He stops.

I stand there still and silent.

"I was wrong. I'm sorry. I don't expect your forgiveness, I don't deserve it. I have issues I need to work out of my system. Last night..."

I rush in to finish.

"-was an eye-opener. It was a poor, tasteless, substitute to what I really wanted." I hope my voice isn't shaking. I know I have punched him in the gut. I can't see it in his face but I can feel it in my heart.

He stands up. "You were correct about many things. A few things I want to clear up though. I'm not crushing on Boss anymore. Secretly or otherwise. When you told me that you loved him I knew I had no chance." His voice is strong, it's not shaking.

I want it to shake with misery. I want him to hurt.

"Will you help me then, Rob?"

"I will. All the way. And... Tolan... we are brothers from different mothers."

It doesn't shake. He didn't even notice I used his name. It's only me who is hurting more and more.

I give a jerky nod and open the door.

"I no longer have a girlfriend. We broke up. I ended things with her before the tour." He continues.

I take a step out.

"Wait. Just one more thing."

I stop.

"Please... don't call me Rob. I prefer to be..."
His voice breaks down. "...your Buffy."

I walk out because I was already halfway out. I just continue. My head is buzzing with questions.

He doesn't want Nick.

He doesn't want Tolan.

Did he break up, really? Why? Right before the tour? Was it because of me? Our night?

Does he want me? Your Buffy. My Buffy.

I want him too. But he is a real dick.

He is fucking with me. I'll not get sidetracked by Buffy. I'm getting Nick, we are the end game.

I walk into the first open room I see and close the door behind me. It's Nick's room.

Burying my head in his pillows, I take deep breaths. It calms me. His sweaty, smelly sheets are the worst. But they give me the comfort I seek. Nick has always been there for me. He will always be there. He is my rock, my friend, if things go well, my lover.

Then why am I already missing Buffy? Why am I itching to wipe off his sad look? He deserved it. He hurt me. Let him hurt some. Let him mourn for losing me.

Did he lose me? Did he ever have me?

This is fucking confusing!

*****

A/N:

Thank you for reading.

Two things I wanted to point out.

1. The only real life references are names of the places they visit. All other things are out of my head. I guess it's true for all my other stories as well.

2. There is this weird thing happening to me frequently. Whatever I write, I find something about it in the next few days on the internet. For example, Uluru. There was a news about it after I wrote about it. It is one of many such things.

In mid of 2019, when I had exactly three readers for Velous book, I started reading a popular book on Wattpad. The first meeting of main characters scene was almost the same. I freaked out. What if my precious three readers thought I copied from that book? I was worried if I will be to prove my innocence. I worked myself into a complete fit of nerves. I even thought of rewriting the whole scene. My sheer laziness stopped me. I convinced myself it is okay, it happens. If it comes to that I'll explain.

Now because of this weird thing happening, I am getting the same worry.

So this is the disclaimer.

I want my readers to know if there's a resemblance to real life incidents it's completely coincidence. If I write something based on a real life reference or another book/media I will undoubtedly make it known.

There. Done.