"Look at my dick."

"No." Buffy doesn't even lift his head from his phone.

"Look." I shake his arm.

"Why?" He finally puts his phone down.

I smile because I cannot not smile when he looks at me. "You need to look, Buffy, then only you will understand."

"Okay." He peers down at my dick.

"See this vein?" I point at the vein on the side.

He clears his throat. "Yeah."

"It's very sensitive. If you touch it I'm done." I whisper.

He licks his lips. "Oh... that's... What about this one here?" He places the tip of his ring finger on another vein that's currently bulging up at the attention.

"That too..."

He furrows his brows and looks back up. "Then what's the difference?" His hand stays right where I need it.

I shrug. "Nothing."

"Then why did you want me to look?"

Unable to stop, I laugh and pull his head down to mine. "My dick is a thing of beauty. I want you to experience it."

The pressure in my dick increases ten folds and I bury my head in his shoulder and groan. Buffy makes sex so good without trying. I mean it in the literal sense.

He doesn't try at all. I've been with enough partners to know the difference. All he has to do is make eye contact with that look and my knees go weak. One gentle touch from one of those long fingers, my dick is ready. One teeny tiny kiss on my lips and I climax.

It happened in that same sequence once. I'm ashamed of myself for being such a weakling for him. He is amazed by my response.

"Why is that no reporter is writing about your narcissistic character?" He asks and bites my ear.

"Why were you reading them?" I scratch the short strands of hair at the back of his ears. He has a tight buzz cut in the back and a sleek tiny quiff at the front. A new hairstyle can change his whole look.

A side swept pompadour? Whoa.

"To know what all this fuss is about." His fingers expertly stroke my hard on.

I moan out my words. "What's all the fuss?"

"Let me see. You write, sing, compose, dance and have a striking stage presence. You also own a freaking label and number of studios. A multi talented artist and young entrepreneur. That's why this fuss."

I want to preen at the mention of striking. "If you do it's praise, if I do it's narcissism."

"There is a word. I think it is called humble. I hear it's good for the soul."

I lick his chin. "My soul needs your dick and ass."

"You can't have both at the same time."

"Watch me."

In one swift move he disengages from me and gets out of my reach.

I clutch his pants and pull on it with all my might.

All I get for my efforts is his maniac laughs. He somehow holds onto his pants. I grab his hips and push myself on him. Strong fingers press on my waist and he lifts me up and swirls me above his head.

"Whoa..." It's my turn to laugh like a lunatic.

After a few rounds he gently puts me down on the bed. "I have to leave now. No ass or dick. Sorry."

"Why?"

"I can't stay every evening in your bed, Ash."

"Why not? I like it."

"You are vulnerable. You are..." He sighs and turns away. "You are looking for comfort and I'm offering it in the form of sex because I don't know how else to do it but that's wrong."

"Buffy, I love you. Like, love you. In love." I have already told him a few times in the past week. Now that I think about it, he never acknowledged them.

"Buffy?" I want him to say something.

His shoulders slump and he shakes his head as if my declaration of love is some kind of bad news. He is still facing away from me. My stomach clenches at the idea that he doesn't want my love. He can't reject love. Not my love. There's no such thing.

"You are in love with Boss. With me, you are confusing gratitude with love. The honest to God truth is, I'm just using you."

Buffy? Using me? Hah!

"How?"

"These last five days... I shouldn't have touched you. Not like that. You are not in the right frame of mind. I used that to have sex with you."

"But I love you." My voice sounds foreign to my own ears. Pleading and desperate.

"You don't love me, not like that. It's just sex."

So much for baring my heart. Fuck him. He told me I have to speak up. Talk. Blah... blah... blah... But when I do, he casts them out as confused feelings.

I want to punch him on the nose.

"You know everything! Don't you?" I ask with all the anger brewing inside me.

"It's not that." It's as if he's talking to the lamp shade. He doesn't even want to face me. Coward.

Maybe that's it. He is a coward. Afraid of accepting my love. If sex is the cause of his fear... "You know what Buffy? I'll play your game. Let's not have sex anymore."

He straightens and nods. "That's better. I'll just go now. I'm late."

"Yeah, run."

He leaves without a backward glance.

Asshole.

I lean back on my bed and pull up the blankets and think about the past week. I kinda get his reasoning. It does look like sex is my vent valve. But whose fault is that I need a vent now?

Because really everything is his damn fault.

Buffy - The cruel dictator and his heartless rules:

1. No personal tier when I'm home. Like, I'm all alone in this big fucking place.

2. He won't stay beyond his duty hours. Which is EIGHT hours. What am I supposed to do the remaining hours? What the fuck does he do without me?

3. I have to wake up on my own. He won't do it and he forbade Kester from doing it. I missed a fucking interview because of that.

When he told me #1, I threw a mighty fit and shouted at him to remove tier two as well.

He nodded sagely and said, "I'm thinking about it. Once you're comfortable we can do that."

"Fuck you. I got a team of meatheads so that someone can stay with me all the fucking time. And that means ALL THE FUCKING TIME! You are supposed to make this bearable for me! Instead you are being a terrible bodyguard. Nick would never allow this. Nick would-" I started crying.

Buffy hugged me and kissed me and murmured sweet words and made me forget everything with a phenomenal blowjob. When I was in euphoria he handed me an earpiece.

"There will always be someone listening on this line. You won't be alone unless you want to be."

I was too dumb struck by the endless possibilities of having my own Secpho to stay upset.

I should have expected #2 but I didn't. When he wouldn't stay the night after a recording, I lost my cool.

"If you love me you would stay."

"I love you and that's exactly why I can't stay. I want you to be strong on your own."

"Sixteen fucking hours! I don't need that much alone time!"

"Ash. You won't be alone. Seb or Tolan will be with you."

"Only if I am not at home!"

"Home is a place of privacy. You should learn to appreciate it. There are people who don't have their own bedroom."

"Don't you fucking dare! Don't you fucking-"

He hugged me and apologized a hundred times and kissed me and gave me a hand job of the year.

#3 was a miss from all the sides. Nobody knew that I needed someone to wake me up if there was an appointment and I was still asleep. I was late for an interview by thirty minutes. I woke up fifteen minutes late and spent five minutes fighting Buffy.

"It is your job!" I jabbed a finger on his chest in victory. "You have to make sure I'm there on time for my appointments. You can't do it if you leave after eight hours!"

"It is definitely not my fucking job. I know my duties."

"You are lying."

"Seriously Ash, if you don't want to be late have an alarm that works for you!"

"Who even wakes up to stupid alarms!!"

"Yeah, such an outdated concept." He mocked.

"I'm getting late because you are a damned idiot who won't stay with me."

He pulled me by my shoulder and glared at me. "Get a fucking assistant if you want a human alarm."

"Nick did it all the time. I was never late!"

"I. Am. Not. Boss." He spat the words out.

"I. Am. Aware. Very much."

We glared at each other until my eyes pooled with tears. Because fucking Nick had forgotten me and I missed him and stupid Buffy was making my life a living hell and it was all too much.

Buffy understood that and hugged me and kissed me and made me reach orgasm in record time. I went to shower with a happy grin.

He forced Kester to set up a phone calendar alarm and automatic wake up call thingy.

"What if I still don't wake up?"

"Then everyone will know that Ash Minor is actually not very punctual."

"I don't care."

"Problem solved."

I care. But not enough to get an assistant and prove Buffy right.

I thought that there was a pattern emerging. Me getting upset over missing Nick and him giving me a release to cheer me up.

But yesterday he broke that pattern.

Yesterday evening was my first live concert without Nick. His absence started choking me as the time came closer. It was up to my throat when I was ready to leave the dressing room.

"How do I look?" I asked Buffy.

That's a ritual I did with Nick before I went on stage.

Nick would nod or smile if I was wearing some ridiculous outfit or on rare occasions correct my collar or a sleeve.

It is our thing. That's Nick's way. His actions are so simple, mundane but they make my heart full every single time.

Buffy acknowledged my question by making a slow perusal of my attire. I was wearing a blue half sleeve shirt over a white undershirt and black jeans with white sneakers. One of my usuals - comfortable for long hours under flood lights. It was nothing flashy or fancy. But Buffy's gaze caressed it all with care.

When our eyes finally met, his gaze said,

You take my breath away.

He blinked and then pulled his lips into his mouth.

My heart leapt to my throat.

He did that exact thing at the waterfalls.

He wanted to kiss me.

I did that! I fucking did that to him. I fucking made him needy. Without doing a fucking thing. I wasn't even wearing my sexy shorts.

I flew through the concert with a huge grin and of course, a medium rare boner.

Buffy ate it when we came home.

So yeah. It isn't just my vent. He likes it. When we both want it, how can he say that he uses me?

Or am I using him?

I even asked Kane in my last session.

"Am I using Buffy as an emotional clutch?"

He asked back. "What do you think?"

I hate Kane.

If I love my clutch does it matter if he is a clutch? I have plans for us. Big plans.

It sounded so easy when I told Sebastian. Make Buffy confess that he likes Nick. But here I am. He isn't even accepting my confession.

I have so much work to do.

****

"Don't look at my lips."

Buffy looks at my lips and asks, "why?"

Smugly, I plant myself in front of him. "Since you couldn't follow simple instructions you get a penalty."

"Which is?"

"Kiss me."

He rolls his eyes expansively and pushes me back on the bed. "Lame."

Our no sex rule didn't last even for a whole week. I don't remember who broke that rule first. I can't blame it on missing Nick. Because I don't miss him anymore. I'm furious at him. Because he hasn't called me yet. It's been weeks. But anyways I don't miss him and I don't cry and yet somehow my dick gets its due attention from Buffy.

It's been ten days of pure bliss. He is back to making me see stars on concrete ceilings. But today, I want to show him some stars. I'm not letting him leave without getting some dick.

"Who were you talking to on the phone?" I ask even though I don't want to know.

"Not Boss."

"I didn't ask."

"I talked to him yesterday."

"I didn't ask."

"He is good. It rains a lot it seems."

"Good. Very good. It's all my tears."

Buffy laughs and stops when I give him a I'll kill you look.

"Why does he give you a weather report and doesn't even send me a simple hi?" I blurt out.

"I wanted the weather report. I called him. I asked for it. Why don't you send him a simple hello?"

He has been nudging me to call Nick with every chance he gets. "I fucking won't. He fucking left me."

Buffy shakes his head. "I don't get it. You know why he left. It's not like you guys fought with each other."

"You won't get it. You are so... I don't even know. You..." I stare at his face and my heart aches. He is so basic in his love.

Unconditional and uncomplicated.

He doesn't care if we give him something back or not. He doesn't care if we reciprocate his feelings. He is just being Buffy. Loving without asking for anything.

I want to give him everything.

"Come here." I wave my hand at him.

He moves out of my reach.

Time to put out some sexy moves. Not that I know a lot.

"Come on Buffy, you want to." I let a lone finger roam my bare chest and look up at him. "Don't you?" I sweep my tongue over the lower lip. I don't know if it comes off seductive or like I'm coating my dry lip with saliva. How the fuck does it all look sexy in movies?

He groans. "Stop. Please. I can't do this daily. I should go. I came up half an hour ago. My shift is about to start. It won't be nice."

"Nice for whom?"

"The team, other staff. What will they think?"

"Shall I tell everyone?"

He chuckles. "Tell what exactly?"

I reach forward again and pull his chin down, "if you think that I'd hide this awesome thing as a dirty secret you don't know me Buffy. I'll shout it to the whole fucking world."

He blinks. His beautiful eyes connect with mine. "Isn't it a secret? Only three people know about you."

"Four. Sebastian knows. But I can change that count. There's nothing here that needs to be a secret. I will tell everyone." Buffy loves me. I love him. Fuck everything else. He will still love me even if everything falls apart.

He lets out a breath. "You would? Of course you would. Oh, Christ." He closes his eyes and a tear drop jumps down from his left eye.

I surge forward and kiss him.

I'm tired of us crying in a loop. I'll explain my proposal today. I'll make him realize that I am not vulnerable or confused.

He holds me tight and kisses me back fiercely. My hands are everywhere. I hate that I have only two hands. I need at least three more to properly hold him and kiss him.

Suddenly he pushes me away and the bedroom door opens.

Toll.

His eyes strut back and forth between the two of us.

"Okay. Maybe my mind is having an off day today. But really, why does my new boss look like he has been thoroughly molested and... my mostly naked client is looking like he has run a marathon with his lips?"

I half giggle, half laugh and sag back on the bed.

"Why didn't you knock?" Buffy sounds so cross. I want to kiss him again.

"Hey, three times. What is happening here?"

"Nothing." Buffy wipes his mouth and straightens his shirt. A blush is creeping up his cheeks.

Toll turns to me with dawning eyes. "Oh, NO! You fucking hoe! You really molested my boo!"

I can't stop the laughter bubbling up. Jumping down from the bed, I throw my arms on Toll's shoulders. "I did. Let me tell you, it was fucking fabulous."

"Keep your straight hands away from him. Don't worry, Rob. I'll take care of this."

"Oh, God. I'm leaving. And Ash, let's keep the count just where it is right now." Buffy hurries out.

Coward.

We both watch him leave. "Look at that ass." I whisper, mesmerized by the view. I have to explore his ass. Not today. He won't come back after this.

"NO to the hell to the no. If you are bi curious, I'll help you out. Leave him alone."

I cackle. "Nice try."

"I'm serious, Ash. Don't you dare to mess with him."

I let go of him and walk back to my bed. "Why?"

"He isn't like you. He is a hard core romantic. If you kiss him without setting ground rules he will think you are in love with him."

He is so far off from reality it is not even funny. Like, Buffy isn't believing me that I'm in love with him!

"He isn't a baby, Toll. Give him some credit."

"Were you really kissing him?"

I nod with a sigh. "We were both kissing each other like our next breath depended on it." I finally understood what it really means to kiss like that.

"Fuck me. Couldn't you seduce someone else?"

"Hey... I'm in love with him. I'll seduce him all I want." If he hasn't interrupted I might have succeeded. Maybe.

"But- you just said- you asked me to give him credit!"

"You were speaking like he has no brain!"

Toll puts up his hands. "Let's rewind. You both are in love. With each other. Is that what is happening here?"

"Yes."

"You are not straight."

"Correct."

Toll clutches his head. "Oh, fuck me. Boss prepared me for this exact situation. I'm supposed to act professional and get his NDA. But why would I? He is the go to NDA guy. He already signed so many agreements when he took over. And you are both my friends. How can I be fucking professional! I think I'm allowed to freakout. Don't I?"

"Whatever you are ranting about, it is not important."

"What are your intentions?"

"What do you mean?"

"If he is getting into a new relationship, I want to make sure everything is in proper order."

"Did you ask his ex this question?"

"Of course. I even made her do a Rob quiz. I'm his friend. It's my duty."

"I'm your friend too! Where is Ash quiz?"

His eyes go wide. "Oh my God! Does anybody else know? Don't ask me to keep this to myself. Please."

"You have my permission to tell Sebastian. But that's it. Now go away and come back only after you have your Ash quiz ready."

"Do you have a Tolan quiz?" He challenges.

I shrug. "I'll get it from Buffy."

"Lazy fucker! Listen, you have to be really careful here. Rob is Rob. If you hurt him we can't be friends."

"What if he hurts me?" I challenge him back. He is being a shit friend to me. Everything is about Buffy.

"Then I'll punch right on his giant nose and drag him to you to apologize. Deal?"

I glare at him. "His nose is the perfect size. If you make fun of him again I'll derange your pretty face."

"Oh yeah? He is a big nosed, thin lip-"

"Take that back!!!" I barrel into him and it is a battle.

I lose of course. He is a fucking rock after all.

We stay on the floor, me heaving uncontrollably, him just breathing normally.

"I need tips." I say when I'm able to consume oxygen.

"On?"

"How to not combust on the spot when Buffy touches me."

"Shit. Really?"

"Yeah. It's not fair. I get done in five minutes. I don't think I can see him naked. Ever. It'll burst open my dick." I don't know what changed. I have seen him shirtless multiple times on our vacation. I had tremendous control back then. Not anymore.

"Seriously? I have seen you in action. You go on forever. Aren't you the famous dick man for girls?"

"When did you see me doing it?"

"Many times! Let me think. Milan! That italian chick interview. We could hear everything. I don't know how Boss slept through that. And cars! How many times have you done it in a car!"

I groan pitifully. "I regret my life choices."

He snickers. "And you have the audacity to call me a slut!"

"You offered to be my slut a few minutes back."

"That's a social service to my community and to save my friend."

"Ha! I'm the one in turmoil. Toll... He is killing me literally and it feels glorious."

He sighs and crosses his forearms over his eyes. "I came here because I couldn't stand there and watch Seb laugh. He is laughing! How will I survive? I can't Ash. I'll die by lack of breathing. You just watch."

"You should tell him."

"I have a boyfriend and even if I don't, he is straight."

"You thought I was straight."

He lifts his arms to glare at me. "I'm not Rob. I don't know how to turn a straight guy by killing him."

"No one turned me! You asshole. I knew it myself!"

"All I'm saying is Seb is this unattainable monument of a man and I can't work with him anymore."

"Don't be dramatic."

"Pot. Kettle."

I sigh. Yeah.

"Tell me how to seduce Buffy."

Toll hums in thought. "Do whatever he does often. Like, if he touches your chest, most likely he likes to be touched there as well. But as you go, you have to listen to what he wants. His sounds, moves. Like the body on its own aligns to the touch it wants."

"Wow." I have never thought about it like that.

"Yeah. You have to give yourself. It is difficult. Because your body will want to align to his touch."

"My body melts, Toll. It just... poof... no control. All he has to do is smile at me. He has that smile. Dreamy and soft and it's edible. It's so fucking tasty."

He whistles softly. "You have got it bad."

"Real bad." I agree with another sigh.

"I know what you should do."

"Tie his hands and eyes?"

He chuckles. "Man... save it. Before you get him to bed, jerk off twice or thrice. Milk out every last drop."

"Why! He is so good at it."

"Do you want to see his naked ass or not?"

"Oh..."

"Yeah. It is the only way you will stop thinking about your dick."

"Hey..."

"It's okay. I'm like that too. A patient man once taught me how to make sex mutual."

"One of your exes?"

"Yeah. Good old times. Now I'll give anything to have a satisfying blowjob. Fuck mutual."

"I can try." I offer in a tentative voice. I have a damn good knowledge in theory. I can-

He sits up faster than I can blink. "Satisfying. Did you hear that word? No blowjob virgin."

"Who says I am a virgin?" I get up.

He snorts. "Oh, Toll, he is dreamy. His smile is tasty, my dick bursts open! My-"

I launch on his shoulder with a thirst for blood. "You chose the wrong celebrity to mimic."

He screams and swats at me as I try to bite his neck.

"Is everything okay?" The thundering voice stops us mid movement.

Sebastian.

Perfect revenge.

I get up with a big grin. "Sebastian, you tell me. Toll thinks since he is so pretty he will have blowjobs only-"

Toll body slams me from the side making me fall on the bed.

"Ignore the vampire. Let's go, Seb."

Toll runs out dragging Sebastian by hand.

I wink at Sebastian.

Poor baby. If he blushes anymore he will faint.

He will come back to quiz me.

Quiz.

Buffy Quiz. I frown at the ceiling. I'll fail if Toll quizzed me. I know nothing about Buffy.

What does he like?

Me.

What is his favorite food?

My dick.

Yeah, Toll will invoke his best friend card and reject me on the spot. I'm not a caring boyfriend.

At least I know a few things about Nick. If there's a Nick quiz I'll get a pretty decent score. I spent years learning about him.

I need to figure out how to score for Buffy.

Who is Buffy? What do I know about him?

I think hard and slowly it trickles down. His likes and dislikes.

He likes trekking. He doesn't like rich, selfish people. He likes humble people who say please and thank you. He likes helping others. He likes to fuck people with respect. No, no. He doesn't like to fuck. He can have sex only if he... I don't know, it is still unclear to me. He dislikes discussing it. He is shy. He likes to talk. About feelings. Like a lot. He loves me. And he will do whatever he can to make me happy.

The martyr. My martyr.

I spend the remainder of the day thinking of various seduction moves to implement on my martyr.

****

"We need a replacement." Sebastian shuts down the hood of the car.

"Oh my God! Did someone cut the wire?" I ask, worried.

We are on a desert highway with miles and miles of sand on both sides. It was my idea to take the car. I wanted a long drive with all three of them. Buffy's schedule gets us together only during live shows and I'm mostly dead by the end of it. This time I planned it perfectly to have a good time on the road. We were having a grand time until this damn wire.

Sebastian frowns at my question.

Buffy chuckles.

"What wire?" Toll asks.

"You know the important wire. Which makes the car run. Someone cut it. To keep us stranded here!"

"We need-" Sebastian starts only to stop when Buffy raises his hand.

"Milo is on the way. Sixty minutes. We can wait quietly like adults or-"

"I choose the or option." I say with a grin.

"Sleep quietly like babies." Buffy finishes with a smirk.

"Fuck you. Let's get out."

"NO." Three voices shout at the same time. I can form a chorus group with them. Perfect sync.

"I'm not staying inside a car for fuck knows hours!"

Toll pats my back. "Let me scope out."

After five minutes, we are outside. In the semi dark night of the never ending highway.

"You can't stand like this, Ash. Someone might recognize you." Buffy blocks my view of the road.

"Then let's sit down. Do we have blankets?"

"Yeah, blankets and a basket full of mini sandwiches." Toll says.

"Really? That's awesome."

"That's sarcasm."

Buffy laughs high-fiving Toll.

Fucking Fuckers. Never miss their chance to tease me.

I spread my palm in front of Toll. "Give me your joint."

His eyes pop out in shock. "What joint?"

"Joint?" Sebastian booms at him.

"What the fuck?" Buffy glares at him.

"He is playing me!" Toll whines.

"Tolan..." Buffy turns on his steel gaze and directs it at him.

"Promise. Believe me, Rob. Even a rookie knows weed is a no-no. Why would I carry a joint when it could turn him into a horny bunny!"

"Hey! That's not true!" I chirp in cheerfully.

Three sets of eyes settle on me.

I shrug. "Drugs don't make me horny."

Buffy's knife stare drills a hole on my face. "Then?" He asks with a deadly quietness.

I lean closer to him and lower my voice. "They loosen me up. I'm a horny bunny all the fucking time."

Buffy's gaze turns into mushy butter and he starts coughing.

Toll starts chuckling.

"Don't you dare to laugh. I want a sandwich or a joint."

Toll closes down on me. "For fucks sake! We had dinner just an hour ago!"

"Who reminded me of sandwiches?" I shoot back.

"We have no food, Ash. Just water." Buffy says already back in bodyguarding mode.

"There's the box." Sebastian says.

"Oh..." Buffy and Toll look at the trunk of the car with sudden somberness.

I should form a theater group. They are so in sync.

"What's in the box?" I peer from the side as Sebastian pulls a carton box to the front.

"Boss puts them in all the cars. Every month we restock it but never had to use it before." Toll says.

As Sebastian rummages the box, it becomes clear that it has everything for a camping trip of two people.

"Wow." I breathe out when Toll spreads out a checkered spread on the side of the car.

"Boss thinks of everything." Buffy says. And I can trace the emotion in his voice back to his beating heart.

"Nothing can surprise him. Man. I miss him." Toll says, slumping down on the passenger door of the car.

Buffy sits next to him and pulls me down.

Sebastian gives me an energy bar made with cookie dough and chocolate chips. It's my favorite.

Nick hates it.

I scoot over to Buffy and bury my face in his chest. His arms encircle me in his knowing way.

Sometimes missing Nick is a patch work on my widespread days and nights. Sudden burst of sadness among my daily routine. Worrying if he will come back, panicking if he is safe, wondering why he left. I drown in it until someone pulls me out. But mostly it is a bright colored thread woven all through my existence. It's a cut in my thumb making me realize how much I use it. It is a pain I have to accept and carry on as if it is okay. As if the other fingers can take up his place. I often touch the pain, caress it and revel on its intensity. How deep the wound is. How angry I am at him.

Toll looks out to the sky with arms wrapped around his knees. "You know, Boss is super cool. We met for the first time during my interview for this job. He explained stuff and asked if I was interested to join his team. I told no."

Buffy gasps. "I didn't know that."

"No one knows. When he started explaining I was excited but then I realized every extra qualification he listed needed money. Fees for additional training, language certification and I didn't have that kinda money. I was already neck deep in debt. I couldn't tell him that. He was this big boss man recruiting for a big celebrity. I guess I was trying to save face. So I just said no."

"He gave you the money." I say, because Nick is soft like that.

Toll nods. "Yeah, the thing is I didn't tell him that I was short on money. He kept asking me why I wasn't interested and I kept giving shit reasons. Like, I lived over the other side of the city. Suddenly he got up, pulled out his wallet and handed me a bunch of hundred dollar bills. Man, I would have been offended if it was somebody else. He somehow made it all sound like I was doing him a great service. He paid a couple of grand for my fees and gave me a job. All of it within a half an hour of meeting me."

"Did you pay him back?" I can bet the answer is a big no.

"He refused it. Said I should use it on someone in need. He is super cool."

Buffy rests his head on mine. I sigh and munch on my energy bar.

Sebastian clears his throat. "On my first shift here, I was with Boss in the gym room. He was unboxing new equipment that he had bought. It was a fancy rower machine with a twenty two inch touch screen. He was gushing over it and telling me how long he had been waiting to try it out. I offered to help him set it up. He readily agreed. When I lifted the wheel I slipped and fell on the screen and it broke like a twig. The wheel got a huge dent."

"Shit." Buffy says.

"That was you." Toll says.

"Yeah. I started sweating. On the first day of my job I broke a costly, brand new machine that my boss lovingly bought. I thought I was going to get fired for my clumsiness. Boss though... he guided me to a bench, made me sit and checked my body for injuries. There was a glass piece on my right shin. He just sat there on the ground and took my foot on his lap and did first aid. I... I apologized. He shrugged it off as an accident. He didn't say one word in regret. I will never forget it. If I can become half as good a person as he is, it will be an achievement."

Buffy nudged his shoulder. "You already are, Seb."

I roll my eyes. "I break thousand glasses. When did you see Nick getting upset?"

Three snorts. That's all I get as my response. Fuckers.

"Well, don't you have a first time story?" I ask Buffy and stuff the empty wrapper on his shirt pocket.

He pinches my arm. "Mine is not interesting. And you already sound bored."

"Yeah, these don't compare to my stories." These are all paltry things to what Nick has done for me.

"We are all ears." Toll sings mockingly.

I turn my head and point a finger at him. "He died for me. Almost. He-"

I stop short in surprise. Did I really say that? Out of a million memories, I picked this one? Why?

Why not?

If anybody should have the privilege of hearing it from the source it is these three.

It may help me as well. To make this bitter anger to ease away. To remind me that Nick is not a monster who suddenly sprouted nasty horns and tore my heart into pieces. He is very much a loving giant. He is just out in the world sowing his wild oats. He will come back to me. Hen may think otherwise. But I know it in my bones.

I'm his home.

"You don't have to talk about it." Buffy says. Gentle as always. Knowing as ever. This is why I get upset when he assumes the worst of me. He knows me. He is the fucking mind reader.

When I was suffering Buffy looked into my eyes and said, 'I'm here for you.' and it made all the difference in my desolate, dark world. When I was in the most vulnerable state he was there. He is still there. It is a beautiful thing. How the weakest moments of my life have given me the strongest bonds with the people I love.

"I always wondered about it." Toll says completely subdued.

"What do you know?" I ask.

Toll's gaze flits to me and lingers on my face. He is not the one to shy away from going head on.

"He got shot. A bullet lodged in his right shoulder."

Sudden shiver rocks my innards.

Buffy presses his body closer to my back.

I nod. "We were alone."

I close my eyes and lean my head back into Buffy's arm.

"He was the only bodyguard back then. He went with me everywhere. I wasn't popular much. Getting gigs here and there. That night it was an indoor auditorium concert. Some university. It was very late when I was done. Nick and I were waiting at the back door. For the car. The driver lost his way. So we were walking around the streets and telling him the street signs to figure out where we were. It was a quiet street. We were just two guys waiting on the pathway for our car. That's all we were for a few minutes."

Sebastian takes my hand in his.

"He was a tall guy. I didn't see the gun. Nick had pushed me down before I heard the shot. All I saw was blood. Nick was carrying my white suit jacket on his shoulder. It became so red so fast. Nick didn't stop. He grabbed that guy and knocked him unconscious in one punch. I was-"

Toll takes my other hand in his.

"I wasn't doing anything. I just knelt there while Nick walked back to me with a dripping shoulder. He was saying something, pointing at the floor. I couldn't hear. And then he was bending down, falling over and then... he fainted. I heard his words at last. 'Call the cops.' I still don't remember what I told them on the phone. But I remember looking at the time and Nick back and forth. I remember screaming for help. Because the fucking ambulance was not there. Because Nick was dying and I-"

Buffy's lips land on my temple to give me the softest of kisses. I shudder and grip the fingers in my hands harder.

"The ambulance came after eight minutes. Those were the scariest minutes of my life. Nick was in intensive care for a whole day. Dada and I stayed there. When I saw him finally, I died in relief."

"What happened to the shooter?" Toll asks in a whisper.

"Got arrested. He was supposed to get the concert gig. He was a music student. He got angry that I took it. That bullet was for me. He was following us. He had planned the whole thing. He had redirected the driver to a wrong address and was waiting for us."

"How many years did he get?" Sebastian asks.

I snort at the question. "None. Nick didn't want to press charges. Not for that time."

"Oh. He tried again?" Toll asks.

I sigh. "Yeah. Ten months later. I was more popular, released a new album. One day Nick got a call that there was a leaked audio of my unreleased song. I was recording a song in the old neighborhood, he left me inside the studio and went out to meet the lead. He didn't come back by the time I finished the recording. He didn't pick his phone as well. I hate it. I hate it with every fiber of my being. If I call, you have to pick up. You have to. I won't call if it is not important. Okay?"

I get another kiss and two squeezes on my hands.

"He called back after half an hour and told me to stay put at the studio. He wouldn't tell me where he was. I got mega mad."

Toll laughs. "I wish I was there to see that."

"I shouted at him and threatened to walk out and go somewhere, anywhere."

"Jesus Christ." Buffy says.

I'm not proud of what I did. Nick never sees me as a potential love interest because I behave like a five year old most of the time.

"A cop car came and picked me up. Nick was in the station. That guy tried to kill him again. But this time Nick was faster and broke the arm holding the gun."

"But why Boss?" Sebastian asks.

"When Nick punched him that night, his face got disfigured. Like, jaw bones, nose and teeth. He was trying to get back for that."

"Psycho." Toll mutters.

"Boss can pack a punch like no other." Sebastian says with a rare smile.

"Even in his non dominant hand." Buffy says.

"Wow. I forgot that." Toll says.

"Idiots! That's all you want to talk about?" I snap at them. I share my most difficult memory that shaped my adulthood and they're marvelling about punches!

Buffy nuzzles my neck with a smile. "You are brave. Look at you. Broken down car, sitting on a road side and reminiscing about old scars. You have moved on, Ash."

He is correct. It's a scar. I'm mostly healed. I didn't realize how similar tonight was to that terrible night. My mind didn't obsess over it too much like it usually does. I take a deep breath, inhaling everything that is Buffy. We are safe. Nick is safe. He has to be. My heart rate finally slows down.

"Where is this guy now?" Sebastian asks.

"Dead. Last year, heart failure. Nick went to his funeral."

"Jesus..." Buffy whispers in awe. Nick doesn't know the word enemy. He reaches out to anyone and everyone with open arms. So why the fuck hasn't he called me yet? It's been fifty three days.

"Man, I miss him. I'm gonna call him." Toll pulls his hand away and takes out his phone.

"It's too late for him." Sebastian warns.

"Don't care." Toll puts his phone to his ear.

We all fall silent in anticipation. Toll has this stupid ass phone. Everyone around him can hear the other side with little to no effort. He refuses to reduce the volume saying he can't hear properly. I'm thankful for that today.

Nick picks up on the third ring.

"Hi, Boss."

"What did you do?"

Nick's voice is amused. Bastard. Doesn't he miss me yet?

Toll laughs. "I'm checking if you have given me the correct number."

Nick chuckles. "How are you?"

"Burnt out. My new boss is merciless."

Buffy kicks him on the shins.

"How is he doing? How is everyone?"

"Good, how are you? Got married yet?"

I kick his thighs. He frowns at me and rolls away.

I scramble up and follow him to hear his answer. But it's lost in the wind.

When I finally latch my face to the back of Toll's phone, I can hear Nick's own question.

"How is Ash?"

My breath catches in my throat.

Toll pushes me away and gets up. "As usual. Gotta go Boss. My ride has arrived."

He fucking cuts the call.

I try to punch his stomach. "AS USUAL? AS USUAL!!!"

He turns me around with ease. "It is my phone, I will say whatever the fuck I want."

I march to Buffy and explain. "HE SAYS I'M BEING THE USUAL!! HOW DARE HE!"

He points at the car slowing down next to us.

"Let's go home. You can settle your fight there."

I stomp my foot in anger and frustration. Why the fuck hasn't he called me!

"I'll teach you how to punch." Sebastian offers.

"To punch Toll? I don't believe you." I say, pushing away the bad thoughts.

Sebastian smiles at me and I just want to hug him.

That's not my usual! I have buddies now. Like, real time buddies with real time feelings. I wake up on my own and sleep on my own. All alone.
Nick won't even recognize me!

"I'll show you how to punch." Buffy murmurs in my ear as we snuggle in the car seat.

Yep. Nick is in for a surprise. I'm big, bad Ash. I'm gonna seduce his top student and make him beg for more.

Ha. Ha. Ha.

All through the car ride I'm giggling to myself thinking about all the dirty things I have in store.

****

"Good night, Ash." Kester says, as relieved as me to be done with the signatures.

"Wait." I say before I can stop myself.

He straightens his files and waits for me to speak.

This isn't a big deal if I don't make it one. I can't ask Hen yet. Kester is the next best choice.

"Let's say that I want everyone to know about my love life... like...relationship... like in official capacity... what is the best way to do it?"

His face breaks into a weird smile. "There are too many options nowadays. If you want to actually talk and be seen, you can do a reel. Or go live on YouTube or other live streaming applications. Or if you just want them to know, post a tweet. Or the most classic way, a front cover interview for a magazine. Do you want to share pictures? Like their identity?"

"I haven't thought that far." I admit.

"No problem. You should take your time. Inform me when you are ready. I'll put out a meeting with the PR. You can bring your girlfriend to the meeting."

The way he talks irritates me like always. I want to rattle him. Put this condescending asshole in his place-who is always treating me like a little, know-nothing kid and ordering me around.

"What if it is a boyfriend?"

His eyes widen a little and his grin becomes weirder. "Okay, boyfriend or girlfriend."

What if it is boyfriends?

The question is on the tip of my tongue. I push it down. Not yet.

"Are you saying that Ash Minor getting a boyfriend is not viral news?"

"I didn't say otherwise."

"But you are acting like it is not significant." It irritates me that he took the news in stride.

"I don't know what you want me to say."

I huff. "Wouldn't it tank my sales? Shatter my reputation as the most eligible bachelor extraordinary?"

"It will." He sweeps up his tablet and taps at it animatedly. "Irrespective of the gender of the partner, your availability as bachelor is gone if you get committed. So let's put it aside for this discussion. Your music's demographic segmentation is a multi colored pie. And it is safe to say the fifty and above age group size will go down when they know it's a man. But then there is the intersectionality of religion, cu-"

"Stop your jargonic bullshit. Plain English. Simple answer." I snap.

Seriously, he still doesn't know how to talk to me. Showing off his big brain when I need actual information.

"You might lose about thirty percentage of your popularity and the corresponding sales."

"Are you in that thirty?"

He doesn't even pause. "Of course not." He continues as if I haven't insulted him. "The next album sale may go down by fifteen to eighteen percent compared to the others."

"Isn't that a lot?"

He frowns. "Does it matter?"

I'm surprised. "Doesn't it?"

He smiles with a shrug. "If it lights up your eyes, let it fly, let it fly."

I blink at him in shock. "Do you all quote my lyrics once a day?"

He shows his teeth. "Multiple times. Anyways, you have always been open about your support for the rainbow crew. When there was that huge scandal about you kissing Henry, you didn't even bother correcting the assumptions. You have a bad reputation for tasting the fares and not buying them. With all of this history, people are gonna be judgy and come up with new assumptions. But we have seen and handled worse. I for one is, happy to know you are getting serious with someone."

"That's a nice pitch."

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"Is it Rob?"

Kester is full of surprises today.

"Nah!" I shake my head vehemently. It's a celebrity textbook reaction to such intrusive questions. Deny until you can't anymore.

But he knows that. He is Hen's guy.

He nods in approval. "He is a responsible kid."

I laugh at that. Kester calls everyone a kid, not just me. "Why do you think it is him?"

"After taking up his new position, he brought in alarming changes around you. You let him."

I sigh with a put upon scowl. "He bribes me with blowjobs."

Kester chuckles like a squirrel. "I should congratulate him then. He has done exactly what his predecessors did and yet achieved what they did not."

Kester isn't half bad. I expected a long rant on how I should hide my gayness. This is a genuine surprise.

I get up and shake my head. "Congratulations have to wait. There's more here. He doesn't know it all."

"I see. I understand. I'm honored that you shared this with me. I won't talk about it."

I stare at him, oddly satisfied with our conversation. "Right. Clear my schedule tomorrow."

He nods and his tab lights up again. "Okay."

"Don't inform Buffy about canceling. Let him come as per his schedule. But-" I pause trying to come up with a plan.

He gives that weird smile again. "Get someone to cover his shift so that he is free."

My eyebrows fly up. He literally finished my thought.

"Exactly." I pat his shoulder and change my voice to a baritone. "You are a good kid, Kester."

He balks at that. I laugh all the way to my room.

Tomorrow is the D day.

****

A/N: Someone said they couldn't see the last two chapters. Remove the book from your library and add back to make sure you have the latest.