Greya's POV...

Four weeks later.....

The five stages of grief will live with me forever; that I'm certain.

Lately, I've resorted to pessimism. Maybe if I'm not looking for all the good, then it'll never be ripped from me again. I won't survive through this another time, I'm not surviving now.

I'm barely carrying on and only for the sole purpose and well-being of my brother.

It's been four weeks since a part of me died. It's now almost Christmas and none of us feel like we have any reason to celebrate. Chase hasn't even made a wish list yet. We're going to do our best, get a tree, put a few gifts under it and try just the same.

So far all we've learned is that Jack Reeves shot his sons and then turned the gun on himself. None of that makes any sense. Jack never harmed Alec before this. All the stories Becker told me don't add up to what the police report says.

We want answers. I need answers although I know they won't make me feel any better, they won't bring them back to us.

None of us know what to do anymore, the sadness we've all endured has consumed our days and nights.

But here we are. Me, Chase, Cohen, Declan, Ari, and Fynn. We're together, standing in front of the tombstone of Becker and Alec Reeves.

We're honoring our loved ones the only way we can. There was no wake, no funeral, no family of theirs around to pay their respects. Makes our new reality seem like an allusion. There were no goodbyes, no burial service at the cemetery.

Our school held a vigil and the soccer teams both did a moment of silence before the last of our games to remember our classmate and teammate. But that's it. They deserved so much more. They deserved to have someone protect them so this tragedy wouldn't have happened. They deserved parents that loved them not ones who tortured them.

Where was their mother? What part did she play in this? Jack said he was bringing her home, what happened to that? The police aren't telling us much and it's killing me not knowing what Becker went through in his final moments. Was he trying to be strong and brave and protecting his brother? Was he scared and alone? Did he believe that I loved him? I still love him, I always will. He will be my first and my last. My heart can't handle another love and loss ever again.

The boys team wasn't the same without Becker. This was the first season in the last 4 years that the team didn't make it to the end of playoffs.

Cohen and Declan have been overcome with so much grief , they didn't know how to help their team or focus on anything other than the loss of their best friend.

We're family though, the six of us and we're here for each other through whatever grief decides to do with us.

Chase lays the first rose over their graves. He is the bravest kid I know.

It took me three days to build up enough courage to explain to him why Becker and Alec didn't return that weekend. When I finally told him, he locked himself in his room the rest of the day until Ari & Fynn came over and convinced him to come out. He cried in my arms for another three days after that.

Now he stands here with us, courageous and kind and I watch him place the flowers on top of the dirt and listen to him say a little prayer.

His whole world's been turned upside down again and he's trying to show us how to turn it back upright. I'm not even sure that's possible for me anymore.

I kneel next to him and hold his hand, silently saying my own prayer. The others quickly join us. We're all kneeling over our deceased friends, our hands connected in unified suffering with a promise to remain.

None of us care to know where the grave of Jack Reeves could be. His corpse can rot in the fires of hell.

"Can I visit mom and dad and Grams?" Chase asks.

"Sure little man, I'll take you," Fynn offers. "I'll go too," Declan follows along with Ari too.

Cohen hangs back with me. Becker and him were like brothers. He lost a brother and I've lost the person I chose to fall in love with. Cohen and I will never be okay.

"How do you do it Grey? How do you wake up every morning and take care of Chase, go to school, play soccer...How are you so nice and caring when you've lost so many people?" He's trying to ask me how do I still live after all that. I don't know the answer to that. I do what I need to do because I have no other choice.

I give him a hug. We both need one. "I don't know Cohen. I wish I had an easy answer. All I know is, they would've wanted me to keep living my life, no matter how hard, so that's what I've been trying to do. Becker would want you to live your life too."

I'm not ready to take my own advice just yet. I'm battling with the five stages, the ones that never leave me alone long enough to find my happiness. Maybe some day I'll figure out how to conquer them all and I'll be rid of them once and for all.

Fynn drives us all home after we finish saying our goodbyes. Our ride painfully silent. None of us know how to talk about Alec or Becker, all six of us stuck in the stage of denial. Anger and blame will come next if we mention their names and I know I don't have the strength to make it through that.

"I want to move," Chase surprises us when we pull into my the driveway.

Fynn and I both turn around to look at him. He knows we're listening, he can feel us watching him.

"I want to move away from this place, far away and now."

I climb into the back seat with him and hold his hand. "Chase, why do you want to leave?" I know why, but it will benefit him to get all his feelings out into the open.

"Everything bad happens here, everyone dies. If we move away maybe it won't happen again," I pull him into my arms and stroke his hair.

"I know how you feel buddy, but a lot of good's happened here too. All of our good memories with mom and dad and grams. You also have me, Fynn, Ari, Cohen, and Declan still here."

"But I'm having a hard time remembering mom and dad and soon I'll have a hard time remembering Alec and Becker. I'm too sad here Greya and you are too."

"You're right, I am sad, very sad. But we can't move yet. Fynn and I need to graduate first and then we can move. Can you wait a little longer?"

"You guys can graduate and then we're going to L.A. and I want to go to a real school, I want to start over with a new life, with you and Fynn in a new house near UCLA."

"I want to start over too buddy, I want to start over too." I squeeze him tight.

A new life sounds good right about now.