-WhatchaName?-
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Another week passed. And another. And before I knew it, it was Saturday. There wasn't a bonfire, saving it for Daryl's birthday. Rumor is that his brother tried reaching him a couple of times, but he hasn't responded.
After the bonfire I felt the sensation of being let down, and although that only lasted a day or two. It continued to come back, and the more I talked to Rachel, the more I found out about Daryl and Julia. Basically, everyone in the friend group as I know, Daryl's been using more times than anyone can count.
Partly due to Merle's influence.
But more of that is probably from the pain their father caused, I'm not stupid and I'm not blind. I've done shitty things too. Trying to forget, trying to leave. Runaway. Anything I could possibly do to get out of the shitty home.
And I did, but part of me wishes I could stay and help everyone there.
My contact with them isn't enough, New Haven isn't that far from them, and I wish to do whatever I can in the sense of helping them. Provide shelter if they can't go back to the home, anything. Just want them to be alright, and careful.
When I get like this, this antsy. I begin to work on my bike. Whether that be changing the oil, cleaning it, or just sitting in the barn listening to music. Tinkering with the lost of shit I've been deemed with. I feel lucky, and part of me wonders if I even deserve it.
'Worthless! Worthless! Worthless Aurora! Can'tdo a damn thing without mommy being at her side! WORTHLESS!'
The voice sounded about, making me grit my teeth as the painful memory slipped through the cracks of the walls I was eager in keeping. And instead, did I feel the physical pain being lashed onto my back as I tried to run...I tried to scream I tried to-
The clank of metal that I just threw across the barn sounded about as I yelled in anguish. The shit I was put through from a man I can't even call my dad. Michael has been more kind and caring than anyone put combined, but there is a fear in my heart that I can't replace what could have been. If the drinking, the drugs didn't overlap me and my mother to him. 'Worthless Aurora...'
The burning tears continued to commence, but I just continued to try and search for my damn light switch. Thinking it was about that time I go on off to bed anyway.
Letting my wrist act as a wipe did I continue to smear my tears down, each and every minute did I have to consider the amount of pain it took out of me in reliving that horrific day. And the fear of the rest that follow through with it, it wasn't just my life, it was my mother's as well...Cleaning off the dirt that clouded my bike due to my maintenance check on her, did I to get the given smear of dirt onto me as well. But as I looked at the doorway of the barn, was there a figure just standing there. Nonchalantly, resting against the frame as he watched.
"Hey..." I said, don't know how long he's been standing there. But long enough to see what the deal is, for his pity look surely came out to greet me. Even more so when he came on over and tried to hug me.
But as he did, my fist just gently pushed to his stomach as I backed the smallest bit. Giving him the knowledge that I didn't want affection, not when he gave me an utter lie. "Ya alright?"
I nodded, but the follow-up question of 'what's wrong' popped up. And I was rendered to wipe my eyes once more and just shake my head. "I'm fine..." I said, but in the back of my mind could I hear the psychotic yelling of 'WORTHLESS' making me hitch backward yet again to just repeat the same phrase again. "How'd hunting go?"
"Aight...Made 'nough to get Merle out of the slammer 'gain." Licking my lips did I falter down a head nod before making my hands busy at the bench, Merle wasn't in jail. Not even in the smallest bit, Daryl chose this.
And even beforehand did Daryl say his brother said they should get out hunting. "Yeah...He seemed pretty locked up at the bonfire a few weeks ago." My eyes hid behind my hair, but the sad truth of how much that helped me. Stood clear in the way of Daryl expression as well, just hidden away before his long bangs.
But the swear word helped a lot. In the case of me catching him in a lie. "Guess we're not over the lies." "Ya the one tellin' me that ya fine...Ya could have told me not to go-" I swung my arm around to gesture towards him, pointing out to the open door and yelled;
"When you said hunting I thought you meant for money, not to be alone...You could have told me that!" My anger was the burner that boiled my blood, bubbling it under my skin as I had both of the palms of my hands take the tears from my eyes.
"I can't stand you lying to me..." I said, having my back turned to him as I walked on to the other side of the barn. Away from him and away from the center, just to the get the given air and place down the piece of metal that was in my hand before I threw another one. "Then lets go...Lets go, we'll do it tonight."
"You just came back from-"
"Don't matter, I don't like lyin' to ya no more than ya like lyin' to me. Come on." As I was about to follow, my single leg stopped itself from going any further. Telling him I will be right out as I would have to make it look like I was home, or else my cover would be blown. So instead I went on inside, hurrying through and saying my goodnights for it was already late in general.
Seeing the lights no longer on in the barn did I feel bad for leaving him in the dark.
Funny how I've been left in the dark all this time, he was the one that ran away from everything. And comes back on the verge of demanding to purge. With my lights no longer on, my window opened up the smallest bit for me to return. Along with my phone secured in my leather jacket that I grabbed off the desk chair, and before long was I already walking back towards him.My eyes were adjusting to the darkness, and to be fair. It was getting relatively better in the sense that I can see his outline, rather than his entire figure. "Where are we going?" I asked, silently into the air knowing he was still the given distance away. He gave me a fair smile before allowing his arm to wrap around my shoulder, and my first reaction was to lean in. But he was just stalling until we get to the car at least.
"Bonfire place isn't bein' used." I chuckled, nodding in agreement as I made myself comfortable in his truck. I missed this shitty thing, the rusty vibe of the engine just matched it's two owners indefinitely. "Ya sure ya up for this, we can wait if-"
"You left for this...We're getting it over with." As brutal as I was when I hissed out that saying, I couldn't imagine myself saying it any nice. How was I to tell him I was emotionally unbalanced due to a man in my life that he sometimes hints at being or acting like.Everything won't be the same, especially his nickname for me if I remember to tell it.
After he listed all the shit he managed to get, did I realize perhaps he was saving money for this night. Due to the large bottle of vodka and the few given packs of cigarettes, I get why he left. I wish I could too, hop on my bike just to ride freely.
But I didn't leave. Even though most of my thoughts contributed to a plan. I paid for my own airfare here, I can do it again. As we removed ourselves from the truck, I was a bit slow considering I didn't know how this would end. The emotional factor was already there, and I could feel the yelling commence louder and louder as I watched Daryl just hop on into the bed of the truck. Already lined with blankets as I assume he went home before doing this meetup.
"I didn't know you go hunting alone..."
"When everyone gets riled up on home, some of us leave." I nodded, continuing to head to the bed of the truck as he allowed his arm to extend to help me on up. And before I knew it, was a bottle placed into my hand, managing the given few slugs down before passing it back on off to him.
It was silent, neither one of us wanted to talk. And this was the only hope either of us had in getting back on our feet to this 'relationship,' "We have to make a rule...No crying...But I think that's more for me." With my mind rambling, did I think this was already a bad idea.
But thankful I never stated that out loud before he took another chug down.
"What do you mean by 'riled up'?" Him nodding down to exhale his smoke did he blow it on off to the side, shaking his head. "Three men all under one roof, same thick-headed DNA...Ain't much of a party house, brother's an asshole and even bigger asshole for a dad." I nodded along. Letting my nails clack to one another as I tried to break them. This was nerve wrecking, and we won't see each other the same way ever again. "Ya dad the same way?"
"Yeah...Just...I got out of there...You're sti-"
"Foster care or where ever the hell ya went ain't the same. Had my brother, ya just had..." He motioned for me to continue the sentence, and funny enough. The knife was in my pocket, taking it out and swiping it on out into the open did I smile in remembrance. "Would ya go back...If ya could?"
"For them...I would. When I got the call, there was a part of me that just wished I could just stay. I never thought I was going to see her again after the court order-"
"What court order?"
I chuckled, taking the quick inhale and exhale of the smokeable to burn my lungs and leave the charcoaled aroma in my mouth as I thought of words to continue.
"You're's and my dad have a lot in common...He's just going to jail for what he did, neighbors heard the yelling, called the cops. Saw me crying in the closet my mom built for me. A little lock that he couldn't break through, and the only I was coming out. Was if child serves busted down that door...And they did."
When I paused the given bits, I took a slug of the drink. My liver was preparing for the given weeks for this night, and I wasn't going to disallow the only thing that is keeping me talking. "Why'd ya ma get locked up then?"
"She was using too. Charged with negligence, a shit ton of other stuff that I can't even begin to list." "My ma wasn't no saint neither..." My eyes narrowed down to him, I've never heard him talk about his mom. Not ever, this idea of a brown hair women just echoed in my mind but there wasn't anything I could match it with.
Where was she? And why didn't she do anything?
"Parents got the same story, just my ma ain't in it that far...She didn't leave, well, did get the chance to...I 'member bein' 'round all 'e, other kids, when I lived on in a neighborhood. Got Shawn just dawn across the street, we were runnin' around, bein' little shits. Playin' like everythin' was alright, my dad and her got in an argument, Merle was off in Juvie..." He took a far long sip, before it ended up in his hand just spinning around the center of the bottle like he was reading it. Only to pass it on back to me.
"...Only time I could ever go out and be normal. Thin' is, I don't got a bike like all 'em other kids. So when the fire truck came on over to the house, we alls were runnin', or I was runnin' on after 'em...Turns out, they were comin' to my house."
I knew my eyes were glossing, this story took too far of a turn to render me nonemotional. How was I just to sit back and not take into the consideration of him coming home to his mother not being there with him anymore?"My ma, she liked her virign slims...Couldn't really handle ya smokin' them in the truck. But she was drunk on some shitty wine she liked, fell asleep in her bed. Police say it started cause of a damn cigarette."
"Daryl you-"
"She was just...Gone...And when I told ya I didn't want ya walkin' out like others did. She's one of 'em." Letting my fist cover my trembling mouth, I couldn't allow my eyes to continue to produce the tears. So I went in to wipe them, and he chuckles. "What happened to not cryin'?"
"I'm sorry I smoked them-"
"Ain't ya fault..." He mumbled, and although we were sitting across from one another, did I move forward from my rested position leaning against the edge of the car to hold onto one of his hands.
Feeling the ever so cold skin twitch this and that way due to my touch, or to the lack of tears coming from his eyes.
"...who gave ya the shittest brand for ya first smoke?"
"Ben."
"Who the hell is Ben?"
I chuckled, scooting my ass beside him as I still continued to warm up his hand in the firm grasp of my own. This was going to get difficult to talk about. "He...He was a friend of mine..."
"Like a...--?"
"No...I didn't do anything with him." That wasn't a hundred percent a lie, I don't know what I did with him. Everything from when I was fifteen and sixteen was a blur. "He got me addicted to smoking, painkillers...He wasn't a friend to be around."
"Ya were addicted to painkillers? When the hell were ya gonna tell me?!"
He removed his hand from mine, and I sighed down and nodded. I deserve that.
"I didn't have contact with my mom, every week I had to hall ass to make two hundred bucks a week under the damn table...How was I suppose to stay up a-a-and work?!" He nodded in understanding, but the bitting of his cheek signaled otherwise. Maybe he knew under the right advance of that branch of drug I could have been under complete unconscious being awake for as long as I was.
"Already made shitty choices, I thought I was doing myself a favor...Turns out I got addicted."
"...When ya were throwin' up at that Jock party, holdin' ya hair back...Got worried that I was just endin' up with the same kind of girl." I nodded, guess that was a mirror situation from him saving Julia. But I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing I was asking all about his life right before this fatal night. "So ya and Ben never-"
"I didn't lie about that, why get attached when I could leave at any minute?" Again, did he nod in response. I know the very last thing kept growing inside my mind to tell him, but how was I suppose to get there in such a calm way? If he was mad about Ben, he won't take this so lightly.
"Ya got that tattoo to cover..." Finally allowing myself the pleasure of a loud gulp did I sigh down, I loved my tattoo. But throwing over my jacket off and pulling down my shirt so he could see clearer, did his finger ever so gently follow the line that doctors and court people have over examined countless times over. With my head looking behind, did I see his horridness in continuing to follow through. "When did he-"
"...It was the last time I ever saw him. He did it to my mom, but the second he did anything to me...She stopped it. Or tried to. I don't remember..." Shrugging off his touch did I pull back up my jacket, whipping away the threatening tears as it continued to build up.
"I saw 'em when ya were gettin' ya tattoo...Didn't wanna say nothin'...But ya ain't the only one." Looking over at him, as slowly as I could tilt my head to see him. Did he do the same action, shy off his jacket and lift up his t-shirt before reveal an all new territory for him.
At first, it was the two tattoos my eyes averted to, but it was in a split second did they brush over the large markings on his back. And at one did he hiss his second breath, so I removed my hand altogether. In closing the space as I hugged him from behind. "My brother non never saw 'em before, he only came back a few years ago. Left when I was little, didn't know what my old man was capable of..."
The small peck on the cheek had him look towards me, and it was his turn to incite the kiss. His temptation was growing, and the moment they connected. Did he try to move forward his position in the slightest. The amount of liquor and burning narcotics that came from his mouth tasted as if I haven't satisfied myself in years. And now it was finally the misstep because I forgot the one important note of it all.He doesn't know my name.
"I promised ya we won't do nothin' till we're sober...I'm gonna keep that promise, but that don't mean we can't have no fun." With his shirt already open in the cold air, was it easy for him to slip off my coat as well. But another reminder floated in.
"I...I don't think that's a good idea-" As he was occupying the space between my neck, did he slowly release himself of that position, already issuing the look I knew he was going to have. So I sighed my head into his neck and chuckled. "Do I have to explain it?!" I laughed, the amount of shit within my body was coming in full speed. And although I couldn't see his reaction, the warmth coming from his bare body hugged over mine as he too took hold of the situation.
"Ya plugged?" My mouth parted as I took his question the given moment to let it sit in my head.
"You did not just say that..."
"Hun ya lettin' me assume...Me assumin' ain't the best."
"Yes. I'm plugged. Haven't heard that before..."
It was the break of silence, the forced out laughter that soon became a heap of nothingness as we held one another in the center of the truck. "Don't think we got anythin' more to say-"
"I have one more thing...But you have to promise me, you won't get mad." With my hand moving to hold me on up, did he reposition himself just the added bit to pay attention.Closing my eyes and taking a long and deep breath did I start the sentence, but I wasn't going to open my eyes. Not until I know it was safe. "Remember on Christmas when I ran away...?" He nodded, but in my active plan did I forget to stop myself from the tears coming from the fear of his reaction.
I would feel lied to, feel betrayed if I called someone something different the entire time.
"Come on...I've pissed ya off a hundred times, there ain't nothin' ya can do to get me mad. And I mean it."
"The reason there was a fight...Is because Jarod's grandma kept saying my name."
Feeling his thumb wipe away my given tear that slipped down far from my eyelids, did I open up to see how close he was. How his other hand was undermining the roots of my hair to cup my other cheek in preparation of slipping another tear. "Did she say it in a bad way?"
"I hate my name, but she wouldn't listen...And I snapped at her." Even when my eyes lowered down, as I prepared to see Daryl's still waiting in anxiousness to hear the continuation of the story, but he wasn't pushy, he didn't talk to have me continue talking. But the hitch of my breath did I just repeat it once more. "I hate my name..." I cried, and no longer did he hold my cheeks, this time he held me within his chest as he soothed me down.
"I can start callin' ya somethin' else." He said, after a good while had passed. But even then was time just judged by how far one tear slipped passed the other as it trailed down to his jeans. "You do call me 'somethin' else'," I mumbled into his jacket, and although I felt his body tilt down to look at me. I knew what he must be thinking, but I didn't know any other way to say this. Not without bringing up the story that drew me out of my first Christmas dinner with the family.
"My name isn't Blake...It's my middle name, I've stuck with it for so long now that I-" His body went still, and I just hugged him tighter. Allowing my eyelids to close in fear of how he would react, but the moment I felt a kiss on my head, did I know it was safe."Whatcha name hun?" "Aurora...My first name's Aurora." Looking up to meet his undying gaze did I see his smile begin to come forth, along with his hug moving side to side as if he won some sort of game.
"Why ya hate it? It's nice..." He whispered, the rusty addition to his speech gave me the soul reminder of why I was telling him.
This night was already given so many heartaches, this wasn't going to be the spot where I tell him that I love- "Can I call ya it?" Sniffling like the mess that I am, did I just move away from his hold entirely. And in that did he move to throw his shirt back on over his shoulders as it gave me the minute to recover. "You want to call me-"
"Ya have a reason to not like it, that's ya secret. But if ya don't want me callin' ya that, I get it..." He didn't get it, before he came to the barn I was in sheer terror of hearing the man's voice scold me for doing something completely harmless. "I...I don't know..."
"I wouldn't call ya Aurora. That's too formal, what 'bout Rory?" I could feel my eyes light up, like I finally found a new...A new identity it feels like, I've gone by Blake so many times it almost feels overused.Rory is new, Rory isn't afraid of him. She isn't afraid to restyle her own name. "I like that..." But what he also didn't know, that the way he spoke my full name. Had chills running down to my core, but I simply ignored it with the given fact of a simple kiss...
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Date Posted: 02-16-18 // Time: 3:18
Word-Count: 3986
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I absolutely loved writing this chapter! <3
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