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His funeral came and went, and I haven't left the house since then. Barely made it out of my room, let alone the black dress event. Gave an honest effort not to cry, especially seeing Mr.Sherwood and Denise crying beside a large portrait of Jermey in his uniform.

Daryl wanted to come, pay his respect and all that. But the joke for that day that I managed to smile about, was him wearing a dress shirt, and I wasn't implying that he needed to come. So I made him take the break of babysitting me and actually go to school.

I don't he went, he was on standby.

It was the second night at the base, and I haven't left my room or the bed provided for me. I hated feeling this way, so drained, so out of it.

The fact that I'm going to miss those random calls, the letters. Everything about him is coming up, and it isn't like I can avoid the Sherwood family either. Denise wants to have tea with me tomorrow and talk.

And I'm trying to bring my best foot forward as I enter the house Jeremy lived in. And I don't know if I can potentially make it at all, so I was mentally processing the situation of tomorrow. To not cry and not turn anything remotely against her.

"Blake?" The light voice behind the door, and the gentle one knuckle knock sounded out. Making me rise from my position in bed, and heading to the door. It wasn't locked, but I couldn't deny Maddie the chance to talk if she needed something.

I needed to get out of this rut anyhow, so this would be the perfect chance to. "See she's—" Allowing the door to peek open did I look outside, opening it up the bit more to allow her whole body to show. And another.

He came anyway. 

"Hey hun...I brought some of ya stuff from the house on over in case..." I nodded a thank you and moved so he could walk right on in, as my friend was about to leave. Did I hold her wrist making her revert her eye contact back to me as I said the solid 'thank you' before she left back to Jarod.

Daryl set the duffle bag down onto the trunk at the end of the bed. "Ya doin' alright?" Scratching my head and holding my body tighter, crossing my arms around my stomach as I nodded to his question. "I...I finished the project if you want to—"
"Hell, when did ya?..." His question trailed off as he held the red folder in hand, it was all the work and everything the teacher asked for. Even the extra credit and everything else. "Rory...When's the last time ya slept?"
Sunday. Sunday was my answer, and it's Tuesday right now. "I took a nap today." I lied. But his single huff of air just told me he knew I was lying.

"Ya got that look on ya face, I know when ya lyin' Aurora. Ain't gonna fool me...When was the last time you slept?"
"...Sunday." I mumbled out, feeling like a child who's getting scolded by their parent right now. Couldn't even manage to look him in the eyes for a good few seconds until he came on up towards me. 

"Saw a balcony, wanna take a smoke. Think it'd do ya some good." Letting out the breath of relief did I follow him out to the second story area, it was confined enough so the neighbors wouldn't see. And I doubt they'd say anything or just assume it's Michael.

"How'd you get in?"
"Maddie called ya ma, said to let me come over. Worryin' everyone hun." He said, offering the lighter within his hands, and I shake my hands so much that they fumbled, still managing to get the toxic air into my lungs.

The warmth was similar to the tea, and I haven't felt this light since then. Whatever is numbing about that drink, making me fall asleep or just overall lucid is making me cringe at the thought from before. 

"This where ya came to...After the whole shit with Danny boy?" Nodding along, did I begin to shake my head. Lucky for us there's an ashtray already located at the metal table, that I was keen on sitting at now.

It was warm out, barely in the evening. Making the sun fall below the large trees that surrounded this house inward.

"Funny how times flies..."
"Yeah...Rachel's been askin' bout ya, wants to know how ya doin'." Letting the ash being brought back down to the table so I just hold it beside my head before bringing it to my lips.
"I'm really glad you're here..."

"Tellin' me to go to school, hell were ya thinkin'?" 
The fact that he actually went, to have the small bit of Rachel information was enough to tell me that. Not like they talk outside of school, or much of any time. It's also good to see that she cares as well.

"Gotta a fuckin' nice house here."
"People here aren't so friendly."

"Why's that, ain't ya the general's daughter?" He spoke with such confusion, and I felt that as well once I first got here. But the girls I've managed to make friends with at the military ball all sat with me during the funeral, and yet they haven't spoken to me since.

They're posers, one was barely 18 and married to a soldier. Whether she was trying to get on the good side because I'm the general's daughter is beyond me, and her husband for that factor too. "Because I don't live here. I'm just another civilian to them."
"Hell ya mean, Blake Holden got a ring to it."
"Never got Holden on me yet...It's Spektor." That's when I realized that I need to work on the finalization of the adoption papers, since I'm over the age limit I can make the decision. And I've put it off so much because of everything that's happening that I didn't see the point.

Until now.

"If it's cause of that old fart, ya better than that hun. Ya didn't do nothin' to influence Jarod or Mickey. Looks to me ya better for 'em than her." I chuckled when he said 'old fart' and undoubtedly he'd say it to her face if he ever met her.

"I got some of ya homework, don't think ya wanna fall behind in nothin'." I smiled, nodding along because I knew I'd do it sometime during the night, whether he's here or not. So rising up from my inclosed position on the metal chair, did he finish his last smoke at the same time as well.

"Mind if I take a shower? Had to chop wood today and don't want no—" I nodded along, opening the door to the bathroom, in which he sarcastically groaned in looking at how perfect it looked. 

I did take a bath in the tub, the candles in the closet were the added touch to it. But I can't believe that he's here, and my mother allows this. After everything she said about being careful and all that, it astounds me she turned the mind around. 
Guess we all need someone to lean on.

Didn't really notice how long I was just sitting there biting my pencil, but it was long enough to have Daryl coming in with a towel trying to dampen his hair. "Ya eat today?" He asked, his deep voice just pressed to how serious he tried to make it.

Nodding just had him stop his repetitive motion at his hand as he looked to the towel, boy did he know when I was lying like that. "That ain't what Maddie said, come on. This house gotta have somethin' to eat, better yet, why don't we go out?" 

Having my eyebrow come together, was he serious? It was already seven o'clock, where would we even go? He seemed to have a plan, so I went along with it, throwing a jacket over my black tank top. And the leggings I didn't bother changing, and since I didn't come here with many options of boots. I had to take up the tall back ones as well.

Guess he had this planned all the way out. 

"How often ya come here?" I shrugged, trying to find the answer to the question. "I'm usually with you Dixon. Last time I was here was the ball I think...Or Easter." My mind was wired to one soul thing, and everything else was just debunked to being less and less important.

"Hmm...Easter, gotta remember that night." Having my elbow connect to his stomach, did he act childish and fall to the floor as if the jab actually hurt.
"How do you always turn the conversation back to sex?" I asked, stuffing my hands into my pocket. And in truth, I did really want to know, his mind, like most guys. Suddenly get trapped in this little frame of wanting to...
"Cause it always makes ya smile, and it wasn't set. I finger ya in the barn."

Hanging my head low as I laughed so suddenly at his regular splurge of the words, god I remember that night so vividly. Guess my thoughts are everywhere, trying to lay off the subject of Jermey.

But like most things, comes a reminder. The coffee shop he took me to at the corner of the street, my eyes connected to it for a second and then lowered back down as I just concentrated on how I was walking. "I'm sorry...Mom dragged you all the way out here..."
"Don't be sorry hun, ain't doin' anythin' at home anyway...Besides, ya need me right now." 
Leaning in for a kiss, did he stop mid tracks to allow it to happen. And although the smirk was widening every so slightly, did he try to make it happen again.

If I can conquer going into the coffee shop, I can make it through this tea date with Denise tomorrow. "The last thin' ya need in ya is coffee Rory."
"Maddie might have gotten me into the tea trend, you want anything?" He shook his head, but him eyeing a chocolate muffin had me buy to just because I wanted to see his face light up.

The family card that charges straight to the Holden bill didn't matter so much, my mom doesn't care. The seven dollar charge is nothing compared to whatever the other costs are around this base. So as we began to walk on back, did I hand him the bag. 

"Ya fuckin' didn't." He said, grabbing it and groaning to the air. Like I said, his face lit up.
"Now that I got ya talkin' a lil bit, can tell ya that Shawn came up and asked where ya were." I scoffed, but it was in due time considering I had hot liquid in my mouth and I am never one to be lucky for a joke not to choke me. 

"He didn't..."
"Hmm, asshole asked lotta questions. Didn't do nothin' to him, don't think he 'members that night at the lake house." Huffing as I let out my emotional clear in the evening's air, have to kidding me. Fucking Shawn comes out of nowhere, and he needs to quit while he's ahead. 


"You...You didn't tell him righ—"
"Course I ain't gonna tell him, ya don't like pity from no one neither." Tilting my head in agreement, was this nice, being brought outside for the first time since the funeral. I felt myself getting better, feeling the moving on factor.

The morning was still brutal, and I worry that all my progress will just go downhill tomorrow when I meet up with Denise. God this is such a mess.

Not to mention I still have to talk to him about New Haven. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

"Somethin' wrong?" He asked, and I turned my head to allow myself one more sip of tea before even dreaming of responding.
"Ever get tired of asking me that?" He sincerely shook his head, despite everything we went through, this was the scariest bit of it all. 
So I played it off with the lunch tomorrow.

"Jeremy's mom invited me over...I couldn't say no but..." I trailed off, the words completely failed from my thoughts so I continued to shrug.

"No wonder ya in a rut, but to be honest. Think it'd do ya some good. Never met the guy, but Maddie and Jarod told me a lotta stuff, he sounded like a great guy Rory." I smiled, the compliment coming from him was odd, but again completely sincere. Still didn't stop the tear escaping my grasp as I just whipped it away, just couldn't stop him from seeing it.

"Ain't it funny...How we started from me serving you a beer at the restaurant to this?"

"Can't believe ya remember that, but then 'gain, Merle was bein' an ass." The genuine smile still brightly lit, what the hell happened to the Daryl, the groggy and sarcastic man? 
Honest to god, this was such a different take that I didn't know how to react so suddenly.

"Yeah, you wrote 'sorry' on the recite."
"Christ, no wonder ya so good in school. Can 'member shit like that." Clearing my throat with a chuckle, did I realize it was true. I do remember the little details, but look where they led? 


"I was checkin' ya out back then if ya wanna get real honest." My mouth gawked, this was where he was saving his snarky remarks for. But me hitting his stomach all the bit harder had him fumble his bite of the muffin. "A lot of shit seems to happen to us, don't it?"
"If ya talkin' bout the jock party? I don't think that dumbass would've gotten too far."
"Why? Were you watching me then too?"

"Yeah, ass looked fuckin' great that night." 

My hand went straight to cover my mouth, but my next reaction was just comparing the things we noticed back then. Him admitting was just a wavier of regret of me having to tell him about New Haven, over and over again was it difficult to process.

*


It wasn't morning any longer, given the fact that Daryl and I stayed up high the night just talking in each other's arms. The most random of any conversation to be had, it was one of those heartfelt ones, and it all started because we walked to and from the coffee shop.

His idea of getting me the fresh air and the toxic brought up my meter all the bit more, high enough to be prepared for this lunch in with Denise. 
Last time I talked to my mother, she was excited. She was also excited to see Daryl walk through the front door last night. Whatever they were concocting it worked, worked enough to get out of this rut Daryl pulled me right out of. Took a few days, but I think the blood is pumping back in my heart and I'm able to think freely.

But this was a new perspective given to me, that I should strive to get my last name changed to Holden. Like the rest of my family, everyone else's name is Holden, so I should follow in the same pursuit as the rest. Just don't know who to talk to first, so maybe I can slide it in during this lunch today. 

"What time ya comin' back?"
"Three? Not staying too long, don't want to intrude too much." I said, pulling the jacket over my shoulders, just seeing him sitting up in bed. Kept him up late last night and I doubt he actually got any sleep in the position I had him in, he's so used to cuddling up to my side that this was different for him. "And school? Don't think ya can miss much more of it..."
"Really wanna talk about that Dixon?" I shot back, fixing my earring as he just laughed up a storm.

He had something planned with Jarod, and he's been taking it so damn hard that Maddie is completely drained. She's out with some of those girls we met up with at Easter, they invited me too but again, I rather not intrude where my invitation wasn't given.

Fuck them anyway.

They're bitches expect the given one, I forgot her damn name. Holly? Blonde straight hair, glasses. My age, most of them were my age, to begin with, and that was the shock that struck Daryl in the instant. Especially when he asked Maddie about it minutes later.

"When ya wanna head back to ya house?"
"Tonight? Tomorrow morning...I think next week I'm going back to—"
"Do I have to make ya go Friday?" He sighed, I bet everything that my mother talked to him about me missing school.

Fuck.

Letting out one final shrug do I muster up the courage into starting the small walk towards Denise's house, I knew which one it was. Just down the given street, besides...I was early.

I needed to give Daryl a break, maybe he can relax knowing that I'm feeling better, and not in this drastic pit anymore. Him telling me to go to school was the eye opener I needed, even he is tempted to go for the rules of my education.

That's how big of a fucking mess I am. Honestly. If Pookie has to be the one to tell me to go, and it's not like I have that much to make up. He's given me all the assignments I missed, probably the good shock to the teacher's systems, half of which are wondering why he asked them about my work, or because it's him in general.

With the smile that let out, did I think my attitude going to the Sherwood property seemed better than when I left the house this morning. Taking in the gentle breath, did I begin to knock on the door. And already mirroring the smile was Denise, wearing a very formal outfit for this occasion.

"I feel like I'm underdressed..." I mumbled in the hug, making her laugh at my joke. But her sweet motherly voice came about, and said I looked fine.

In the next twenty minutes, were there tears and even the given laughs as she showed me Jeremy's childhood pictures. Only to put them away as she claimed she was being rude. I didn't think for one second she was being rude, I enjoyed seeing a little Jermey comes face to face with a ball at home plate.

"Oh honey, don't. Back in the day I would've worn the same outfit." I smiled, placing my tea down back to the small little plate that was designed for it. All while taking another crumble of the muffin. "I'm still shocked that mom never told me you ride bikes."
"I don't think she wanted to drown you with all the information...But tell me how schools going...And that boy Maddie was talking about..." Her sentence trailed off as she took a sip of her tea, when I did it to Daryl I can see why he made the face he did.

"Schools going great...I got accepted into my first choice."
"Congratulations! New Haven right?...Oh, your mother wouldn't stop talking about it. I'm so happy everything sorted itself out!" Nodding along did I take another bite of the food before me, along with take in the scenery more carefully. She had a lovely home, but something was off. She knew the look I had plastered on my face about college.

Guess it's rubbing off.

"Why don't you look so happy about it?" Allowing my head to bob, I guess I wasn't too happy about it. It was the relief of knowing that I wouldn't have to stay in the high school for another semester or two, but this...This is delaying the iventable. "Guess I'm not happy about leaving already..."
"Oh honey come on, holidays, I doubt your mother wouldn't have you come on the next booking flight if you felt homesick." She was right though, the plane ticket is two hundred dollars. She'd ship me right on back.

"I think I'm more scared about telling my..."
"Boyfriend? Why?"
"He's staying, not really good at long distance sort of situations...I don't think it's going to be a good conversation." 
She tried to give me the sympathetic smile that's grown accustomed since I've arrived, but even she knew what this meant. She saw it as well. "Again, holiday are always every other month. Winter break, summer break?"
"My guidance counselor advised me to get right on into the curriculum, and after all the strings they pulled for me, I don't want to lose it." 
This was the problem I was facing, the three weeks would be a test run, wouldn't they? To see how Daryl would be if I'd go for the given time. It's a taste of his own medicine considering that he left to go camping a few times over the past months.

"I have a secret too...And I haven't shared it with anyone...I'm...I'm afraid of the same thing you are, that everything isn't going to work, or that Frank is going to find something wrong with it..." She looked up at the ceiling in fear, the petrified look only grew higher and higher. So instead of staying so far away, I went right on to her. Taking her hands into mine as I sat with her on the couch.

"You don't have to tell me if—"
"No, sweetie. You told me something you weren't ready to talk about...You're just like your mother you know that, trying to please everyone?" The smile she produced lasted a minute, but the second her hands removed themselves from mine to her stomach, I knew in the clear instinct of what she meant.

"Oh my god! Congratulations!" I screamed, pulling her in for a hug. But that only ended with her crying over my shoulder, both tears of joy and fear. I knew the sob the moment it became clear, she was scared. Jeremy was already nineteen, almost twenty. The age difference is huge, but no doubt the same as Mickey and myself. "I-I don't know what to do..."
"You didn't tell Frank? Or...Or my mom?" She shook her head, still holding onto her stomach. She needed to tell her husband. 

"You know what, you have nothing to be afraid of...You know why? Because you have your husband, I know he'll stand by you just like he stands by the army...I haven't seen Michael in awhile but he's done more than enough for me and my mom than anyone has ever done. And the only other person in the running is Daryl." 
Her sad smile only tailored to her closed eyes as she let the tears flow more heavily.
"Why are you so afraid of telling him?"
"Because everyone in his life left him...And I feel like I'm doing the same." 

Denise tried to tell me that men have this code, they try to follow it as much as they can. Army or otherwise, but once the women fall out of it they become this destructive person and try to find balance.

And that is exactly what Daryl is going to do. 
"How do I tell him?"
"Why don't you talk to your counselor? See if you can still make any close by schools, community even. New Haven can wait."

"But I don't want to wait, I've had this plan since..."
 Trialling off she nodded before I could continue, I honestly didn't know how to word the description of my plan. I guess saying it's been drilled into me since the beginning was enough for Daryl. 
But it was something that kept me going throughout the years in foster care, something more than just living through the day today.

"Then I want you to sign up right now, and if he...If Daryl really loves you, he'll let you go and try to work it out...He can't get mad at you for wanting to continue on with life and get an education." With my smile quivering it was her turn to bring me into the hold, but even then did I hold onto her stomach.

I want to be a mother too. But it feels like such a stretch that I can't even imagine it right now. "I have an idea...For telling your husband." Her eyes lit up in the instant, so I rose up to my feet and motioned to the door.
"Buy something for the baby, give him the little hint." It was the first smile of the day that was genuine, other than the ones Daryl sent me time and time again. 

Still can't believe he's here, just in my bedroom relaxing. Being here for me, and yet, I still want to go to fucking New Haven.

I hate myself so much for not leaving the dream behind, but how can I change and alter a path for someone who wouldn't do the same for me?

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Date Posted: 04-18-18  // Time: 7:11
Word-Count: 4265
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