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I had an alarm set because I wanted to look decent this time around. Since my stepdad's parents were here and I already made an effort yesterday. I decided to do my hair at the vanity table in the corner of my room, all while trying to invert the attention to what will happen today.

The door held a quick two knocks, so I ran on over. Yelling the phrase: "Coming," As I placed down the mascara in my hand to go off an open it. But I did not find myself unsurprised at the smile on his face as he saw me, Michael's cheery white smile burst as we shared the same reaction. "Merry Christmas Blake," But instead of doing anything more, I had to pull him in for a hug.

"I'm so glad you're alright..." I mumbled into his dress shirt, angling myself not to transfer any makeup. But in reality, he was very kind in responding to my letters, emails and phone calls.

Just worried that he wouldn't come home and we wouldn't have much of an opportunity into doing the things my mother claimed we would be. It felt right, to have him hold me. And I'll admit, I think I was just excited to finally have a stable father figure in my life who wasn't a complete drunk or asshole. 

Or even a sideman who didn't bat an eyelash towards me when I was walking around in his own home.

"Mom wanted to know if you're up." Pulling away from the hug, did I just tell him a few more minutes before I was fully ready. And normally I wasn't into too much color, but today I decided to wear normal jeans and a red v-neck to come downstairs too.

But my mistake was not asking for coffee before making my way down the stairs, for my mother was making a mess of the kitchen not even noticing me walk in until Michael cleared his voice. "Goodmorning sweetie, Merry Christmas!" She screamed through the room, only mixing and reading a few things all at once. Making me look up to the man beside me as he just chuckled.

"My mother and her...Don't always get along..." I did a silent 'ahh,' as I went to the coffee machine to pour myself a mug, only to see Jarod now at the island overlooking the cationic mess that was Christmas. 
Even with the mug inches to my lips, I placed it before him as I went to get another glass. He needed it more than me, for whatever reason he was tired and I was not. Become the mystery I wished to solve. "When everything is in the oven, Jaclyn and Al are coming over. Then presents!" She clapped her hands to show how excited she really was, but I wasn't getting the enitre vibe just yet.

I tried to help her, but she wouldn't allow me to pick up a damn spoon. Claiming it's my first Christmas with the family and she wants me to relax. In truth, I think she is just getting overwhelmed with the fact that Michael is back, that I'm here and that Mikey is going to be the grand center of attention once his grandparents come.

"What did gramps get you this year son?" I overheard, and in that moment I knew it was time to leave the room for a quick minute. Just a breather. "I need to go get my gifts and put them under the tree, I completely forgot." Was all I could muster as I removed myself from the room. And the second I was up the stairs I managed to breathe, in and out until I made it to my room.

The four wrapped gift made their way with me down the stairs and right under the large Christmas tree. Trying to place them with the right names and all that, but seeing little Mikey with the one toy he opened last night from his grandparents. 
I sat down with him. He was quick to say my nickname, and as cute as he was. I had to remember this was his day, that I wasn't a child. Hell, I was never a child. It's hard to remember that one out of the rest.


I was seated for a good five minutes with little Mickey as he babbled on and on in his little elf get up, running around the room. And as everyone talked in the kitchen, preparing. I was watching the kid, out of everything that could have happened...The door bell ringed. "Aurora, could you get that?!" I heard from the kitchen, and instead of being rude and telling Jarod to do it. I picked up Mickey, who was pointing at the door already.

"Come on, let's see who it is..." I whispered into his ear as I held him onto my side. Opening the door wide enough to the let them come in, their hands cluttered with gifts in their hands.

And immediately  I was out of my own body, I don't remember what happened. But as I stand in the room just singled out as everyone greeted one another, I found myself just walking into the kitchen once more. 

My hands gripping the counter before the sink did I try and figure out how to suppress any and all feelings. The need for acceptance was something I thought I was over, clearly, these people are the cause of it. And I don't think I can suffer another meal with them, not again...

"Aurora...Sweetie? Are you alright?" The voice matched the person I thought who would notice, mom stood there whipping her hands with a dish towel as she looked at me. But the second her hand touched my shoulder, I flinched away. "I'm fine..." I said, walking off towards the downstairs bathroom in a hurry as I passed by each and every person with wide eyes staring me down. 
"Blake...?" My brother whispered, but even that didn't slow me down to the safe haven of the bathroom, locked the door and standing with my back against it in hopes of feeling any relief dwindled as the voices soon started up once more. 

This was worse than adoption day, where couples would interview the children to see if they were comparable, but it was never me in those meetings. I was always the one hiding in the bathroom wondering which one of my sisters would be chosen to go off and be with a family, the reason I was never with them. It's because I was still deemed worthy enough to go back to custody with my mother. There isn't an ounce of me that blames her for that reason, but I wouldn't know how to act with someone who isn't my blood relative being pronounced my sole legal guardian for the rest of my life.


Fixing the sorry excuse for what my tears had done to my mascara, did I think I can make an escape to my bedroom. But once the company found their way into the dining room, I knew I would never make it.

I am not afraid.


I am not afraid.

I am not afraid.

Repeating it like a rhythm, breathing in and out after each sentence until I felt strong enough to continue with this damned holiday. Twisting the cold golden nob did I push them out to remove myself from the safety of this room, and if it wasn't enough that only the people house who lived here noticed me. 

Beside the grandparents that I was so opened into meeting yesterday, didn't even bother to revert their attention from their own kin. Even my mother, who went through the pregnancy of the baby went unnoticed in the corner of the kitchen...Much like yesterday, when they only talked to Jarod and Mickey.

Never dared look at me, barely a shake to greet.


Then the thought hit, as I was just sitting at the table relistening to the football stories my brother wanted to tell his ever so proud father and grandparents. Did the idea of what they knew about me and my past never came to mind until now. 

They must know something, more than Jarod if they are this judgmental about it. "Aurora?" I looked up, seeing my mother struggling behind my brother and so I went on off to help her once more. The silence and glares were better to be dealt with from behind, so they couldn't see my reaction in the front. 

"My my, keeping yourself entertained I hope...Better not let your mother do all the heavy lifting Aurora." My mouth gawked open to the frail old women who held my brother in her arms, the evil grin ever so lightly raising as she knew the effect. But even then, did Mikey jerk his open arms towards me as a sign of wanting to get away from the witch.

And I don't blame him.

But as I made a reach for him, she didn't allow it. I didn't like her yesterday, and now after she spits my name out in disgust. Did I grit my teeth and mutter the words, "It's Blake." Before looking back towards a load of dishes that were compiled from the cooking catastrophe.
"I hope it stays that way then, no need to change your name to Holden...You'd only slaughter it." Was the last thing she spoke of before walking on off, and my scowl stayed put even after she left this section to go towards the living room.

What sort of process did she concoct, or what she meant by 'slaughter.' Whatever she was on, meds or drinking otherwise. I couldn't help but scoff in her general direction as I continued doing my task. Staying away from the chatter in the other room until there was not a speck of a chore left to be done.

And I was subjected to sitting in my jeans in the family room just relaxing with a cup of warm hot chocolate in hand, allowing everyone to talk around me. Staying silent, they didn't bother to know me, to look at me or anything in the sort.

The only confrontation was with me alone in the kitchen, until the snotty nose rose up once more, smiling every so brightly with her shitty excuse of red lipstick on her chapped lips.
"Aurora dear, can you get me another cup of coffee?" I smiled, setting my mug down on the coaster as I took her glass and left the room. Only to hear Jarod pop up into the conversation as well, "Grams it's Blake." "Oh, that's right dearie silly me." As she continued to pass it off as a viable joke. But my mind couldn't get rid of that one word she spits towards me.


Slaughter.

Slaughter.

Slaughter a reputation? I know what a General's daughter is to uphold, and why should she even be concerned. There is but a single thing she knows about me and my well being, and if she did. Then there wouldn't be anything to be sorted in that little brain of her.

Placing it back down in front of her, she laughed at her joke before completely coming to a halt and saying "Took you long enough, get lost on your way to the kitchen from here?"

She tried to abide by the sheer laughter that was still going on, but nobody dared say a word as I took my spot back onto the recliner. I was uncomfortable, and I could say it a thousand times in my head. But I was just stuck in this moment and couldn't get out for the life of me.

Jacklyn continued to make the same mistake, again and again. Calling me by my first name, over and over. However dense a person might be, didn't compare to her sense of thought. Every little task she had me do for her, whether that passes the present to my brothers or parents. 

Or made the joke of me not getting her a gift, when reality, I didn't really have a clue who she was. And besides, I am considered the child.
Yet she was too butthurt to say otherwise.

The success was that my family liked their gifts, Michael was content with his. My mother loved the earrings, and I issued my brother a challenge for a few of the games. Classics and favorites I've had over the years. 

But every time they smiled or talked to me, she would pitch up a story or say something. Distracting them from own gift, like I was somehow beating her in whatever game she was playing against me.

Only that couldn't be compared to the agony of sitting at the dinner table, setting everything down with my mother. Before presenting it to the family, did everyone take their seats. I for one took my seat beside my brother, but the scowl at the far end of the room as she made her way over towards me. Resting her shriveled hand on my shoulder to say:
"Aurora, may I have your seat?" And I nodded, getting up and moving across to sit beside Michael. 

His apologetic eyes were the same everywhere I went, everyone's was. Even Al had the senesces of it, how rude his wife was being to me. And for what? But he continued to try and correct her as she just shrugged and got comfortable in her seat like nothing was wrong.

As the man beside me cut the ham and served everyone their portion of food, did I seat myself before we banded hands for grace, Al was quick to take my hand. But his wife did not agree in this slightest as she stuck her nose up in the air before bending her head down.

"Bless us, O Lord, and these your gifts, which we are about to receive from your bounty. Through Christ our Lord. Amen...Thank you, god for allowing me to have my family right beside me as we partake in this beautifully prepared meal. For allowing my second son to enjoy this day...And for Blake, for being brought into this family. Amen." I smiled down at myself as I mumbled the last word once more. But as I rose my head back up, did the women across from me just shoot daggers towards me.

Like I was wearing a target on my back.

And perhaps I was.

Whatever motive it was, she just hated every fiber of my being to the point of no return. And all I could do was just sit back and take it, as much as I wished to just sit her back into her seat for all the shit he put me through the past few hours of my life.

I stood quiet and to myself, even if every fiber of my being wished otherwise. "So Blake, how are you adjusting to-" His wife interrupted him before he could finish speaking, making all eyes shoot from one side of the table to the other. "Honey Aurora's fine. Look at how she has it now, luxurious home." I gulped one last time, having my eyes just stare down at the plate. As I spoke the famous words of today once more for her little mind to comprehend all the bit better. 

"It's Blake."
At this point, I was suppressing all my anger once more. But the more I bottled it up, the more livid I will become when all this will go down, especially since my hand is shaking to the point of knocking on the wood underneath the table. 
And the only way that I settled it was to sit on it.

"I'm sorry dear, I thought I heard your mother calling you by-"
"She's the only one I want saying my name." I barked back at her rude remark, as fragile as she tries to act out. I wasn't buying any of it. 

So being the shitty person I was, did I look back to her. Tilting my head in a challenge to see how far of an asshole she planned to be this Christmas day. "Why don't you like your name...'Aurora,' it's such a beautiful name...Blake is just...Well it's a boys name, it doesn't suit a women of the Holden family."

I was finished. I was done. Taking the cloth that sits on my lap this entire dinner, did I wipe the corners of my lips before rising from the table to excuse myself. "I can't-" It was my cracking moment, I panicked and I just continued down the hall. Through the living room to get to the stairs where I would be safe, but in the mist of being doing so. Did I stop to hear what she had to say...

"What sort of manners are you teaching your daughter? That was completely uncalled for, leaving the table like that. How disrespectful." The muffled addition was just a hollow reminder of how many times I've done this before, in other homes. Or even in this one when I wanted information I was too nervous asking about. 

Instead, my mother responded in my defense. "Well, if you talked to her at all today, then maybe you would get the hint that she doesn't like her name." I smiled as my mother defended me, but it only rose the heat in this already lit house.

"She isn't a good influence on Jarod or Mikey."

"How could you even say that-"

"Look at her, the scowl, the clothes, I don't like it." 
It was then Michael popped on in, just giving his mother a very grumble of a warning before she continued off like I was a criminal. Like I was a psychopath ready to kill them, and perhaps that is why they didn't want to sleep in the house.

But thank the heaven, because then I would have had to deal with them earlier this morning as well.

"She's a lost cause! The system didn't do her any good!"

"She's my daughter!"

"And you have a son and stepson to worry about now, not some-"
That is when I stepped back into the room. Making her stop mid-sentence as she perched her lips to me now. Like she won a bet in full honor of it. But I shook my head.
"You don't know a thing about me. I don't give a shit about your opinion, but I expected a lot more from you than I could have gotten."

I pointed my finger at her, and her eyes twitched. In that moment did I see her eyes gloss over, her fake tears soon covering her lashes. "You let her swear in this house?! Michael, I told you she wasn't worth your time."
"What gives you the right to come into this house and talk about me and my mom like that?!" 
Her attention might have drifted to her son, but I couldn't handle it. The past four hours of literal hell were too much to bear, and not the bottle exploded.
Leaving nothing to live in its wake.

"Don't you raise your voice at me, young lady, show some respect!" I laughed, louder than I expected. Making her frown in disapproval, but at this point no one in my family was stopping me in my pursuit of issuing her a lesson. 

Not one bit.

"Since you set foot in this house, you walked all over me like I was nothing. Whatever the issue is, spit it out so we could be done with it."
"You're a bad influence on my grandchildren and the Holden name...I don't know what they taught you in that foster home in Connecticut. But damn right we should just send you back."

My mouth gawked as she tried to level with me, but even in heels did this scrawny little women amount to half my size. In that moment, everything became clear.

"Mother, sit down."

"I will not sit down. Not until this filth is out of this home."

I chuckled one last time, pushing my face closer to her as she jolted back. "Tell me when you're over the threshold then." Was the last thing I muttered before going to my room, slamming the door to silence the yelling that persuaded to follow.

Michael was pissed.

My mother was pissed.

Even Jarod was in a box of confusion of what was happening.

As much as I composed myself downstairs, I couldn't help it. My mind went blank now as the tears slipped down my cheek without permission. And didn't stop, the commotion downstairs was all too real.

Too real of a reminder, especially my mother screaming at the top of her lungs trying to defend me. And in that moment, on top of letting my eyes burn the makeup off my lids. Did I feel the sensation on my back commence, the sheer number of times my mom fought my biological dad only to end in...a very sudden and very vivid image.

Rubbing my eye to smear the tears and black ink from my sockets, did I make my way towards my table to take it all off. And in doing so, did I change. I was done with the holiday spirit, done with everything to do with that side of the family.

I was just opening up to Michael, his first day back from deployment to spend time with us. And it was the in-laws that snuck up around the corner to surprise me of how much they hate me, thinking I'm a 'bad influence' or a 'lost cause'. 

Her taking one look at me does not justify anything, perhaps I am a bad influence. But Jarod is open to the same world I am, just not as large. 

With my eyes cleared of anything relating to tears or a reaction, did I sigh into the mirror. I did value her opinion not too long ago, but I should have guessed something was wrong. But right in this moment, I could not stand to be in the same house as her right now, instead. I grabbed my backpack, just the leftovers from the party that I hid under the floorboard. In the closest since it was recently redone, stuffing them in there along with my jacket in hand.

Throwing it over my shoulders and making a grab for my tall riding boots did I open my window, placing my bag down before throwing myself through the threshold.

I was free. 
The yelling was at a minimum, and soon it won't even be audible.

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Date Posted:  01-19-18 // Time: 4:23
Word-Count: 3782
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