18 June 2020

Co. Wicklow, IE

Positive COVID-19 Cases: 25,355

Deaths: 1,714

Andrew sighed as he inhaled the cool summer air deeply. Dusk was falling and the trees were rustling gently in the breeze. He was sitting on the rooftop patio over the pool, cigarette in hand. He'd stopped the habit during his first major tour in an attempt to preserve his voice. With the stress of the pandemic, he'd picked it back up again. He knew he should quit - and he planned to, as soon as things started looking up again. But since he had no idea of how long that would be, he figured he may as well enjoy life as much as he could within the incredibly narrow parameters he was given to do so. 

He leaned back on the sofa, the waterproof canvas on the cushions scratchy against his bare arms. Summer was in full swing and he'd taken full advantage. After he returned from Cassie's a few days prior, he threw open every window in his home and let the fresh air flow in. Somehow he'd managed to stay symptom-free, but he still needed to isolate for the full two weeks, just to be sure. 

Cassie and Finn improved dramatically, but they were still weak. If she hadn't insisted on him going back home, Andrew would probably have stayed on another week. Sure it had been a bit lonely, leaving all of her meals on the floor on the corridor, but each night, they'd stay up as long as they could, just talking on Facetime. Eventually, she'd start to fade and he would insist on her going to bed. 

He hadn't been to the beach in weeks and he was aching for a swim. He wanted to feel the ebb and flow of the water around him as it crashed toward the shore. He craved the feeling of resistance as his arms sliced through the waves. The pool beneath him wasn't cutting it anymore.

He took a drag on his cigarette, wishing it was weed instead of tobacco. He'd smoked his last joint two days ago and his dealer couldn't get him anything for another week. The heat filled his lungs, warming him from the inside out. He exhaled after a moment and watched the cloud dissipate into the night. His phone vibrated next to him and he looked down to check it.

Cassie's name and a photo they'd taken together during her first stay with him flashed on his screen. They were pulling goofy faces, holding glasses of wine next to their heads. He hurriedly stubbed his cigarette out in the ash tray and swiped to take the call. 

"Hey," he said, blowing out the last of the smoke from the corner of his mouth.

"Jesus, you're not still smoking are you?" she grimaced. 

Andrew's face pinked slightly and he shrugged. She'd been giving out to him about his habit since she caught him doing it a week prior. "I have so few joys in life, Cass. Don't spoil this one," he joked, sticking his tongue out.

"What about your voice?" she asked. He saw her push her black-rimmed glasses back up her nose.

"I'll stop when I need to," he said nonchalantly. "How are you two?" he shifted the focus off of himself. 

"Finn's definitely fully recovered. He's practically climbing the walls," Cassie smiled. "I know I shouldn't complain - it could have gone a lot worse."

The government had released an updated count of the total number of positive cases. It was well into twenty-five thousand. He'd shuddered when he realized he knew several people that were part of that number. It was no longer just a virus that affected other people; it was personal now. He'd seen it rear its ugly head up close and would be glad when they were all well-rid of it.

"What is your first trip going to be, post-isolation?" he asked.

"I've already got it all planned out in my mind: a coffee - and a hot chocolate for the gremlin - at a cafe, then a trip to the park, and finally we will end our day with a trip to the shops for groceries."

Andrew gave her a look of mock amazement. "Sounds like you'll have a jam-packed day."

She chuckled. "What about you? A swim with the lads?"

"Yeah. And I need to visit Mum and Dad," he sighed, shifting on the sofa. "But I may just wait an extra day or two for that one. Don't want to risk anything, y'know?"

"Are they holding up alright?" she asked. 

"Mostly. They're glad I haven't gotten it, angry that I exposed myself, and happy I was being heroic," he smirked. 

"Yeah, you're a regular knight in shining fucking armor," Cassie laughed. 

"Speaking of parents, how is your father?" he asked.

"I guess he's alright," she started. "I'm thinking about going to see him soon."

Andrew's heart jumped into his throat and all thought flew from his brain. "O-oh, wow. When were you thinking of going?"

She pushed her glasses back up her nose again. "I don't know. Maybe in a month or so? Its going to take time to get everything we'll need to go pulled together."

He clenched his fist, his thumb nail digging into the flesh of his palm. "Why would you go?" He fought to keep the panic from his voice. "Isn't Bethany there with him?"

"She is, but I guess...I guess knowing what COVID feels like and what he could go through has made me want to be there with him, you know?" she reasoned. "And things aren't getting any better in America. At least here, restrictions are lifting."

"Yeah, things aren't getting any better in America, Cass. So why would you want to go there?" he asked. 

"Well I can't bring him here," she replied. "Then I'd have to bring Bethany, her husband, and her crotch rats. I've got one guest room. I don't have the space." She inhaled quickly. "Plus, I can't imagine my brother-in law-in Dublin. He'd get beaten up within five minutes. He's such a fucking dick."

He forced a smile. "He does sound like one," he offered. He'd shared ten words with the man in passing when Bethany had phoned once, but they weren't filled with happiness. "But if you go now, you won't be able to come back in. At least not right away."

"No, but its not like I'm only planning to go for a week. I'd be there for like, a couple months," she explained. "That's kind of why I was phoning. Do you think you could keep an eye on my place? Check the mail, make sure nobody's broken in, all that?"

"What?" he blinked, trying to process what she'd said. 

"I guess I could ask Alex, if he's back in Dublin by then. Its probably easier than you driving all the way up every time," she continued.

"Cassie, wait -," he started. 

"I could also ask Siobhan in the cafe, too I suppose," she spoke over him. 

"Cassie, stop," he said louder, forcing her to fall silent. "You can't just go to America for a few months."

She looked at him like he was crazy. "Sure I can," she replied. "I'm a citizen. So is Finn. They can't keep us from entering our own country. We'll have to quarantine or something for a bit, but after that, we are free to go. There aren't any laws in Ohio about not going anywhere. Hell, people are having fucking barbeques."

"Cassie, you just got over COVID. Don't you think its risky?" he asked.

"Its probably safer for me to fly because I just had it. Finn, too. We're immune," she explained. "We just need like a certificate from a doctor or something stating so."

Andrew looked away from his phone screen, trying to hide his disbelief. He hadn't seen this one coming at all. "I mean...I don't think its a good idea. What about Finn?"

"What about him?"

"Well don't you think its a bad idea to take him away from his home and his friends and school?" he asked. "Plus, you're flying to another country. Even though you've had COVID, isn't there some other strain going around? What if you catch the other strain or something? What if he catches it?"

"Then we'll go to the hospital," she replied slowly, as if it was obvious. "Where is all of this concern coming from?"

He scoffed. "I guess I just figured that you'd be a bit more careful with your toddler in a global pandemic."

He knew it was the wrong thing to say the second his brain caught up with his mouth, but he couldn't put the genie back in that bottle. 

"Andrew, he's my kid," she glared at him, eyes flashing. "You aren't his father. You have no say in what I do with him, where we go, or anything."

"I just care about you both," he said, trying to diffuse things. "I don't want anything bad to happen to you."

"OK, and?" she asked.

He scoffed again. "You say it like its a bad thing."

"I mean, I didn't ask you to help me. You volunteered. I didn't ask you to allow us to stay in your home and I didn't ask you to come help us two weeks ago. Those were all choices you made yourself," she answered.

A full ten seconds of shocked silence passed from him. "Wow, Cass."

"What? You've been inserting yourself into our life like you were invited. I didn't ask you to," she said. "Don't act like I'm doing you some sort of disservice by taking my child home to be with my family."

She ended the call before he could reply. He let out a frustrated noise and shook his head, looking out across the fields around him, his response lodged in his throat. Her words stung, right behind his eyes, making them water. Out of spite, he took another cigarette from the pack and clamped it between his lips. He struggled to light it with shaking fingers. 

Where the fuck did that come from? he thought, trying to temper his frustration.

He couldn't believe she'd snap at him like that. The entire time they'd known each other, she'd been nothing but polite and kind. Her outburst jarred that image from his mind. He took a soothing drag on the cigarette and moved it between his fingers, enjoying the way the packed tobacco and paper formed a hard surface against them.

With a sigh, he finished his cigarette and stubbed it out before picking up the ashtray and turning in for the evening.

***

Several days passed with no communication from Cassie. Andrew stopped himself from reaching out on more than one occasion. Instead, he busied himself with different tasks. He organized his entire vinyl collection by genre and did a deep clean of his kitchen. And as soon as he was free to leave quarantine, his first trip was to the sea. The ebb and flow of the waves calmed his heart and reset the rhythm to his heart beats. When he emerged from the water, he felt reborn and washed clean. The frustration of Cassie's words to him melted away and slid from his back like water off a duck. 

The sun reflected brightly off of the water's surface, very nearly blinding him. He shielded his eyes from the sun as he looked across the water. Several people were frolicking in the waves and the shrieks of excited children echoed across the beach. He changed at his car, hastily pulling his clothes back on behind the flimsy security of a large towel draped between two open doors. Just as he was pulling his jumper over his head, his phone began to ring. 

"Hey, Mum," he said, pulling the towel down and shutting both doors. 

"Andrew?" she asked. "I can barely hear you. Where are you?"

A wind kicked up and blew his damp hair about his face. "I'm at the beach. Its a bit windy." He slid into the driver's seat and shut the door behind himself, cutting off the wind. "Is that better?" he asked, smoothing his hair back.

"Yes. Are you able to come by this afternoon? Is your quarantine over?" she asked. 

"I - I'm not sure I should come by just yet," he said slowly.

"Why not? You went to the beach," she reasoned. 

"Well...yeah, but I'm not with anyone. I don't want to put you guys at risk," he explained. 

She made a dismissive noise. "We'll be grand. I want to see my son. Please?" she asked. 

Who was he to deny his begging mother? 

"Yeah, alright, fine," he relented, rubbing the back of his neck. "What do you need? I'd feel better if we were meeting up outside, at least for another week."

"That's perfect because Dad needs help in the garden," she said. 

Andrew sighed. "Sure. I'll be there in a bit."

"See you then. I'll make lunch," his mother said before ending the call.

He went back home for a shower and found himself at his parents' home an hour later. His mother abandoned all caution and hugged him tightly, wrapping her arms around him with such force that he had to take several steps back to balance himself. Despite his protests, he relaxed into her embrace. 

It had been too long since he'd had human contact as simple as a hug. He felt tears spring to his eyes as a sudden wave of emotion washed over him. He'd forgotten how nice it felt to have someone's arms around him. Even the close proximity to another person was overwhelming at first. He blinked rapidly as they separated. 

"Oh, Andy, its so good to see you again," his mother sighed happily, keeping an arm around his waist as they walked around to the back of the house. 

He sensed a change in his mother's behavior. Being away from him for long periods of time wasn't a new thing for her; on the contrary, she usually handled his absences for touring quite well. She was clingier now, despite the fact that he hadn't even left the country. 

"Mum, are you alright?" he asked, holding the fence open for her. 

She nodded and waved a dismissive hand over her shoulder. "Yes, yes. I'm fine."

He didn't believe her, so he pushed further. "Mum, seriously. You seem different. What's going on?"

 Raine paused and inhaled deeply. She turned to face him and he could see relief on her face, washing away stress and uncertainty. 

"We've just been so worried about you lately," she sighed. "When you went into the city to help Cassie, Dad and I...we thought you might catch it from her. I know I should be glad you risked your life to help a friend; its what we taught you to do and it was the right thing to do. But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't relieved when you told me you were back at your own place and still testing negative."

He tilted his head. "Mum, I'm fine. I was completely safe the entire time I was at Cassie's. I wore two masks, as soon as she was able to move around, I even stopped going into her bedroom. I kept my distance. I was careful," he assured her. "I promise."

His mother shook her head to clear it and inhaled sharply, changing the subject. "It doesn't matter because you're here now, healthy as can be." She extricated herself from him and walked ahead a few paces. "Dad wanted you to mulch the flower beds in the back, here. He's inside with Tadgh."

Andrew took the worn garden gloves his mother held out to him and slid them on. He could feel tiny bits of dried dirt slide under his finger nails at the very tips of the gloves. 

"Where's the mulch?" he asked her.

"In the shed. Jon dropped it by earlier," Raine explained. 

He nodded and crossed the garden to the worn-down shed in the back corner. It had seen better days, like the house, but it still stood in spite of it all. The door creaked as he opened it and the smell of fresh mulch and soil met his nose, damp and musky. He wheeled the full wheelbarrow out of the dark shed and over to the closest flower bed and knelt down next to it. To his surprise, his mother knelt next to him. 

"Mum, its fine. I've got it. Go sit," he insisted. 

"Don't be ridiculous," she scoffed. "I asked you over to spend time with you, not sit around while you work." She had pulled on a similar pair of gloves and was kneeling on a foam pad. "You know, Dad and I did wonder about Cassie."

"Oh, she's grand now. So's Finn. All back to normal, I think," he replied casually. He paid particular attention to the back of the bed, along the fence line, trying to avoid his mother's eyes.

"Good to hear," she said. "But we were kind of curious about...I mean, we were wondering if...," she stammered. 

He sighed and sat back on his heels. "You want to know if there was anything more between us," he stated, more than asked. 

"Only if you want to share," his mother assured him quickly. "It just seemed quite the extreme decision to put yourself in danger like you did to help her when a call for an ambulance may have been a safer option."

"Mum, nothing happened between us," he sighed, looking away. "We are just friends. I even told you guys this."

She nodded and continued to spread mulch. "Alright, alright. I get it. Forget I asked."

He made a noise in his throat. "Mum, don't. Please?"

"I won't ask again," she said, giving him a reassuring smile. 

They continued in silence for the next five minutes, spreading mulch and pulling the odd weed from the flower beds. He enjoyed the feeling of the sun beating down onto his back as he worked up a sweat. His hands had been idle for too long. He was on the third flower bed when he sat back on his heels and swiped the back of his hand across his forehead. His phone rang obnoxiously loud, disturbing the relative silence of the garden. 

"Sorry, Mum. I should probably check this," Andrew apologized as he tugged a glove off and reached into his back pocket. 

He paused when he saw Cassie's name flash across the screen. His first instinct was to answer it immediately, but then her words from their last conversation sounded in his mind. Their coldness had put him off so soundly that he didn't feel the same urge to reply as he had beforehand. 

"Are you going to answer that?" his mother asked.

"Oh, ehm...no. Its not important right now," he told her. "I can phone them back later when I'm back home." The phone stopped ringing and he slid it back into his pocket without a second thought. "Now things are opening up again, I think it would be really good if we saw each other more," he added. "I think I'm starting to go a bit mad on my own."

"You know you are always welcome here, Andrew," she replied. 

He felt his phone buzz twice in his pocket, but didn't check it. It was probably Cassie leaving a voicemail or a text. "I know," he said. "But its...never mind," he sighed. 

They finished their task and washed off at the garden hose. Andrew smelled of mulch and sweat, but he didn't care. He was reluctant to go home, so he spent the next two hours sitting in the garden with both of his parents, discussing the state of the world. He was pleasantly surprised that Cassie's name didn't come up again. 

It wasn't until later that evening when he was back home that she even crossed his mind. He put his phone on the charger while getting ready for a shower and a notification for a voicemail came up on the screen. 

She doesn't need you. It can wait, he reminded himself. 

He made a point of standing under the shower stream for five extra minutes to force more time to go by. When he couldn't stand it any longer, he got out and dried off, sitting on his bed in just a towel. He opened the voicemail and listened. 

"Hey, Andrew, um, its Cassie. I just...I wanted to apologize for the way things went the other day. I wasn't fair to you. I see that now. You were just trying to help, just like you always have."

There was a few seconds' pause and then she spoke again.

"Anyway, I hope you're well. Give me a call when you get this. Speak soon."

Andrew inhaled slowly and replayed the message once more, listening on speaker. He got dressed and sat on the bed, contemplating his response. 

You should phone her, he told himself. At least to let her know you got her message.

It was the polite thing to do, after all. 

You don't owe her anything, the other part of his mind argued. Do it tomorrow. There's no rush.

He tried to put the message out of his mind as he focused on making dinner. But as he moved around his kitchen, he was reminded of all the time Cassie spent in it, preparing food for him. She'd rearranged a few things and he had never gotten around to putting them back. Her laugh bounced off the high ceiling while he did the washing up and he couldn't take the waiting any longer. 

"Cass - hi," he greeted her, shifting on the sofa. "H-how are you?"

"I'm good," she sighed. He could sense the awkwardness coming off her in waves. "You got my message, then?"

He dipped his head in acknowledgement. "I did. Thank you." She gave him an expectant look and he continued. "I accept your apology," he added with a small smile. 

Relief washed over Cassie's face. "Oh thank fuck," she let out a long gust of air and ran her fingers through her long hair. "I thought for sure I'd fucked it."

"No, you didn't," he assured her. "And its possible I did overstep a bit," he admitted. "I'm sorry about that."

"Its OK," Cassie said. "I just had my back up about it. My sister thinks its a bad idea to travel right now and she basically said everything you did."

Andrew bit his bottom lip to keep from smiling in satisfaction. "She did? Is that what changed your mind?"

She blinked. "I didn't change my mind. I'm still planning to fly back. Just not yet. She convinced me to wait a month or so to see how things go. I think she's hoping that as the summer progresses cases will go down a bit. I don't know. It all seems pretty stagnant over there right now."

His satisfaction shriveled and he cleared his throat to hide it. "Oh - I - that's good, I guess. It'll give you more time to figure out a plan, right?" he offered quickly. 

"Yeah, I guess," she allowed. "It still feels stupid to wait."

"Well, look at it this way: you've already had it, so you're immune for like, three months, right? If you wait a month, you're both still protected and you'll be stronger." She made a noise of assent in her throat and he continued. "I've heard stories of people recovering and having long term symptoms, like trouble breathing and heart issues. Its...its wild, you know? Better to be safe than sorry."

Several seconds of silence passed between them before she spoke again. "So what have you been up to lately?"

"Ehm...not much. I was at my parents' earlier when you phoned, so that's why I didn't answer," he explained. 

"Oh, don't worry about that," Cassie assured him. "How are they, your parents? Keeping well?"

Andrew nodded and smiled. "Yeah - yes. They're doing well. It was nice to see them in person after so long," he cleared his throat to push the tightness in it away. "I didn't realize how lonely I'd gotten here by myself until I was there. Its odd the things you take for granted when you assume you'll be able to do them anytime you want."

"Yeah," she said softly. 

He realized his mistake. "Cass, I'm sorry. I didn't mean -"

She shook her head and forced a smile. "No, its fine. Don't feel bad about getting to see your parents. They live close by. Of course you get to see them all the time. I chose to live over here. I could have moved back any time."

He nodded and inhaled sharply, searching his mind for a new subject. "Ehm...how is Finn? Has he gone back to school yet?" 

"No, not yet. I'm pretty sure I'm going to pull him out," she sighed. "Kids are little germ factories and I just don't want the risk."  

"Are you going to hire someone to watch him, then? Would that be safer?" he asked.

"I'm not sure. It may not make sense to hire someone if we're going to be gone in a month or so," she explained. "I'm not really sure how long we'd be gone, but its probably safe to say it'd be for several months."

"Right," he murmured. "What are you going to get up to in the meantime?"

"I'm not sure. Finn has not stopped talking about your pool since he recovered," she sighed. 

"Well, you're welcome to come by for a swim if you like. It would be nice to see you guys again," he replied.  

"Really? That would be so nice. I don't think I'm ready to face the beach yet," Cassie remarked. 

"Come up on Sunday," he suggested. "The weather is supposed to be really nice."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah," he insisted. "You can repay me with some of with that lasagna you made when you were here."

She laughed. "Alright, fair enough."

"Oh - I was going to text you this, but since I've got you I'll just ask now: I'm supposed to do an Instagram Live tomorrow and I was wondering if it would be OK to read an excerpt from a book of yours during it," he asked. "I know I should have asked sooner but it sort of slipped my mind."

"Yeah, its fine," she answered. "Which one were you thinking?"

"Ehm, I was thinking We Are All Born Dying. Would that be alright?" he asked cautiously.

"Yeah, no problem. Just keep it to a few pages or my publisher will have a tanty," she smiled. "If someone reaches out to you just tell them to email me. I'll take care of it."

He relaxed and smiled. "Thanks."

"I really am sorry about yelling at you like that," she said. "I know you were just trying to help and you were very generous when you didn't need to be. I feel awful for some of the things I said."

He inhaled sharply. "Can I tell you something?" he asked. She nodded and he continued. "I think the reason I kept coming to help you was because I really enjoyed the feeling of being needed. In my line of work, people learn to adjust to me missing or being late to events so they stop relying on me for things. They don't expect me to show up as much. They don't depend on me for anything. It was just...it was nice to feel like someone was depending on me for once. And I know you're an independent woman and all of that, but I really appreciate that you reached out to me for help. It made me feel like I had some sort of control of something when the entire world is falling apart around us."

A small smile bloomed on her face. "I'm glad I could help."

Andrew felt his heart flutter a little at her smile, but he ignored it. Another moment of silence passed between them. He broke it.

"Has Finn met up with any friends since the restrictions lifted?" he asked. 

"Yes, actually," Cassie shifted and the camera showed a different angle. Andrew could see the wet bar in her living room. "We met up with Tadgh's son at the park. He told me all about the gifts your mother has been giving him. I'm starting to think Tadgh hasn't just been helping your dad," she teased. 

He winced and made a face at the thought of his mother doing anything intimate with anyone. "Jesus, Cass. Don't give me that image. Fucking hell."

She burst into laughter. "Finn enjoyed seeing his friend. It was almost like watching some sort of wildlife documentary where two chimps meet each other for the first time."

It was his turn to laugh loudly. "Its a shame he won't be going back to school yet. I'm sure he'd love to see his friends."

She sighed. "Yeah, I know. I wonder if I'm being overly cautious and causing long term damage. Its such an important age developmentally and he's basically stuck at home with me all day. He should be out there with kids his own age but its just...I can't lose him, you know? I can't take that risk. Kids are resilient and can come back from a lot. Its pretty hard to come back from death."

"Yeah," he agreed. "That's a pretty difficult thing to overcome. You're doing the right thing, Cass. Hell, if I had a kid, I'd probably be extra cautious, too."

"Well, I should let you go," she said with a sharp inhale. "I'll see you Sunday, then?"

He nodded. "Yep. Sunday. See you then."

He ended the call and felt as though a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. But he couldn't tell if it was because they'd patched things up or if it was the fact that'd he'd be seeing her again soon.

***

U/WICKLOWGIRL8916 POSTED: Did you guys see Hozier read a bit from Cassandra Adler's book We Are All Born Dying today in his poetry live? It wasn't poetry but it was nice to hear him read something longer form. I had no idea she had a new book out, either. I liked it so much I just popped to the shop and picked it up.

U/BOGMAN'SWIFE007 POSTED: Its odd that he'd read something from her though. Its such a big departure from what he had been reading. Poetry was sort of his style for a while and all at once he's jumped to fiction. Granted its good fiction, but its just a really odd change.

U/HOZIER'SSHOE888 POSTED: I loved it. I might be in the minority here, but I think there's something between them. Of all the things he could read, he chose her latest book? Seems a bit too coincidental.

U/WICKLOWGIRL8916 POSTED: I know he's been a fan of hers for a while. He's mentioned her work in interviews before. And he was pictured several times carting around that old copy of Here there Be Dragons during the first tour. It looked well-worn, so he's definitely read it several times.

Now that she lives in Dublin, I'm sure they've met up or something at some point since he's gotten back from tour. I'm sure they're friends now. I mean, he shared Katie Mack's book as well. So its very possible he's just being a good friend and sharing her book to bring attention to it. And fair play to him - I'm only ten pages in and its phenomenal.