I unlocked the door of my house as I announced my arrival. "Asalamu Alaikum mumma!" Peace be upon you. A greeting that is taught to every kid in a Muslim household and to be told whenever we entered the house after returning from another place. At other times it is used to greet everyone else we meet. Even if it is a stranger you sit next to at a place. 

"Walaikum salaam", she said, distractedly. 

like other mothers, my mum wasn't the one who'd ask me about my day and what did I do on the first day of senior high. Nothing. And over time I became habituated to this routine so I never expected her to ask me how my day went. I think I also started to appreciate the fact that I was not asked to say anything that happened during the day, it saved me from lying to her.  

I kept my shoes on the shoe rack. Dressed in my comfy pyjamas and laid on my bed giggling to myself thinking about the events of the day.

Poor Yazan, he did as I instructed him to. He went and sat in girls' class and when he heard the bell he walked towards the door but to his surprise, even before he could get out, he was pushed back into the class with girls arriving and screaming on the top of their lungs as if they had seen a cockroach in class. With that, the teacher came in, who is known to be the most strict teacher in the high school and the thing that annoys her the most is the mingling of boys and girls.

Now you can estimate what Yazan might have gone through.

The teacher got raged and started shouting not even considering a moment that he might be a new student who had no idea about the classes. 

"Who are you? Where is your uniform and what are you doing in a girl's section? ANSWER ME! RIGHT NOW!" She banged her hand on the table. All girls seated in their places quietly witnessing the scene unfolding before them. 

I could hear her shouting as my class was just beside the class in which he was getting scolded. I sat near the window to have a look at the poor guy's face and when the drama started, I had no interest in whatsoever going in my class.

I saw Yazan standing in utter shock. Not able to understand what to say, he stood still, the teacher kept screaming, "Tell me or else I'll take you to the principal!" She held him by his wrist. 

Yazan spoke, gulping the lump in his throat, his voice came out shaky. It seemed like he was scared. "Ma'am, I'm a new student and since there were no class boards I got confused & I asked a girl she told me this was the right class."

I wasn't able to control the laugh that was building up on my cheeks. I covered my mouth as I giggled. I didn't want to get noticed by my teacher at that moment. I knew no matter what Yazan would say, she was not the one who was going to listen to him.

"Shut up! I know you all boys very well. Why would a girl show you the way to the girls' section? You think you can fool me? I have seen you children grew up in front of my eyes. Don't play with me!",She scolded and there I was, laughing in hysterics.

I looked up to see where my teacher was, everybody turned around to see me. Luckily the teacher wasn't present at the moment and I just continued to watch the scene as if I was not being a clown a few moments ago.

"I'm sorry ma'am. You won't get any complaints from my side ever again", He said. His ears were red because of embarrassment and that's when I realised he might have been a very obedient student in his school. 

"W-okay w-okay, now go to your respective class", she said with a disgusted look at him. Her  'wokay'  was 'okay' but with a South Indian accent. 

He took his belongings and was moving towards the door making sure to get out of the class as soon as he could but she interrupted him.

"Listen boy! This. is. my. first. and. last. warning. if. I. see. you. anytime. here. on. this. floor. at. that. moment. itself. you. are. out. of. the. school! Understand?", she said emphasising each word & pointing a finger at him. He nodded and moved out, his face red in anger or embarrassment. I didn't know but, what I knew was that I had fun in teaching him a lesson. After that, the events of the day went in a blink of an eye.

I met my friends: Zeenath, Noor, Huda, Aisha & Khadija.

Although every girl in my class was my friend or in other words acquaintance. But these five were the closest to me. I didn't have any best friend. For each one of them, I was their best friend with whom they shared everything, every moment of their life and school but I didn't keep any best friend.

Not only on the girls' side, I had friends in the boys' section too. Which made me popular in the school not only for the notorious acts I did but, I was also one of the 'good studying' students. Some called me a nerd. I didn't feel bad about it. After doing such notorious acts, I had to prevent myself from getting kicked out of the school and so, I had to be a student holding a good grade.

I was, still not enough of giggling about the prank I played with Yazan. I didn't realise how often I was smiling to myself until Nashra at the table pointed out while I was having my dinner.

"Why are you smiling so much? Any good news to share?",she asked raising her eyebrow. 

I laughed throwing my head back. "Nothing much! I played a prank on a guy today that's what I'm recollecting and smiling about"

"Ooooh okay, so what did you to do the poor guy?" She said, seemingly interested.

"He joined today itself and was searching for his class. So, you know..." I shrugged nonchalantly.  "I just helped him find his class", I said with a wink. Hoping that she would have sensed the dramatic irony. 

"Don't tell me you were the one who guided him to the girls' section?"  When I was grinning like a Cheshire cate she continued, "Oh god, I should have guessed when those girls were speaking about it in the bus!"

I laughed throwing my head back, "OMG! Nash, what a day it was!"

"Gosh! You! Zuki when will you grow up?", She asked, shaking her head at me.

"Umm...let me think", I said keeping my finger under my chin as if I was really thinking, "Probably never!", I said as I broke into fits of laughter again.

One more thing everyone must have figured it out by now is that I laugh a lot. 'A lot' in itself is also an underestimation. 

"Poor thing Zuki, you shouldn't have done that thing with a person who is new to the school. Imagine if you would have joined a new school. You being nervous about your first day, thinking about new surroundings, students and teachers. And what if, in that nervousness, somebody were to prank you to get a scolding along with a threat of getting kicked out of the school, how would you feel?", said mum from behind.

I didn't know she was listening to the conversation I was having with Nashra until she said that. But she wasn't wrong though. I suddenly felt the realisation hit me. I shouldn't have done so. I started feeling guilty all of a sudden. All that giddy feeling I was having about teasing him was long gone. I kept rethinking about his red face maybe he was angry and the next time he sees me he'd punch me on my face for having done that. What was I supposed to do now?

Zuki! Its's your mistake now you should go and apologise!

But he didn't even seem like he was nervous with the way he was praising himself before I said him to go to the class.

I was arguing with my inner-self. I remembered Mumma saying me when I was small:  if at all, at any point in my life, I were to find myself questioning what I had done. I should act soon upon making amends. And now the first thing I wanted to do was to apologise him.

"What are you thinking?", asked Nashra.

"I am going to apologise him as soon as possible"

"Hmm, that's good! I know you Zuki. You can never hurt someone intentionally. So don't think about it. I'm sure he'll forgive you. Now relax and go to sleep". She reassured me with a smile.

Who would believe this was a fifth-grade girl saying me this?

"Thanks, Nash! Good night!", I hugged her and was on my way to my bedroom.

"Zuki, come here for a moment!", Mumma called out. 

"Yes mumma..? ", I said as I reached her doorway.

"Come, I want to talk to you" She patted the space on her bed gesturing me to sit. 

Period. This line from Mumma scared me to death and that indicated the beginning of some serious talk.

"You are in the last year of school. Next year you will be going to college. You have to grow up Zukroof! Stop this tomboy behaviour of yours. It won't get you anywhere. Just go to school, study and come back! Don't create any nuisance. Don't let your parents face any embarrassment because of you. You are the eldest one! What will Nashra learn from you? You have to stop misbehaving in school! Why are we sending you to school then? What is the purpose?", she paused for my response and when I didn't say anything she continued. " What is the purpose of sending you to school If you just excel in your academics and not learn any moral values? Why did you have to tease the guy? What if he complains to the principal? What will you do if she kicks you out of the school? Why can't you be like any other normal girl Zuki? Are you listening to me?"

I nodded. Swallowing the gulp in my throat.

"Implement what I am saying now instead of regretting later. Now go, sleep and listen I don't want to hear any complaints if I come to the parent-teacher meeting this time. Do you get me?", she asked which felt more like a threat.

Without looking up at her, I nodded again.

I went running to my bedroom, locked my door and plopped down on my bed. Fresh and warm set of tears clouded my eyes and escaped like a stream. 

One thing that I have always hated and I still hate is crying. I don't in front of anyone or in public. I never showed my weak side to anyone. Just because I pretended to be a crazy and a happy person doesn't mean my life was blissful. People judge so easily seeing the smiles if only they knew what hidden treasures do these smiles hide. I made myself look strong. I built walls around me. I showed the strongest side of mine to everyone & nobody cared enough to know If I could also go low at any moment. Nobody bothered to ask if I ever lose myself so much that I cry to myself and wipe my own tears.

And neither do I needed anyone. Over time, I realised that the world is full of judgemental people and betrayers. So, I kept my feelings to myself, never opened up to anyone. Or, maybe I guess, I never found anyone trustworthy of handling me in my lows.

I wasn't crying because she scolded me. Of course, whatever she said was for my own benefit. She is my mother. She wants good for me. But what hurt me was she didn't understand me. She was bothered about what will people say; the embarrassment.

When I did nothing. I did nothing that could bring embarrassment to my parents then why did she say such stuff? just because I am a girl? Does being a girl bring embarrassment to her family automatically? She wants me to be like other girls when she doesn't even know how other girls are in reality. 

Why should I be them? Is she not proud to have me as I am? And then I asked myself the question I have asked myself every day for the past years. 

When my own mother, the one who brought me into this world, who raised me, my own flesh and blood,  didn't appreciate me for who I was then how could I have ever come to believe the world that said me that I was perfect the way I was?

All my questions were left unanswered as I felt myself drift to sleep.
Life is not easy my friend.

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