"I am sorry. I am sorry I was a jerk. I am really sorry Zukroof. Please forgive me" 

"What part of me ignoring you doesn't make you understand that I want nothing to do with you?"

"I know you are upset & angry and you have every right to be but I am sorry. I am really sorry"

I sighed on the other side of the phone as he continued to apologise. I didn't know why but his apologies didn't seem genuine to me. 

"Listen, just let me be for a while. Okay? I am still trying to get over about how you treated me. So, just...just leave me alone" 

"Alright. I hope you are coming to Yazan's party. I am hoping to see you. I miss you" He said. If you were to ask me a few days back I'd have told that these are the words I have been dying to hear from him. That he missed me. That he wanted to see me but I didn't know why as soon as he said it. I didn't want to hear them anymore. 

"I am not sure about that" I said as I cut the call abruptly. Because I knew he'd go on forever about how much he loves me and misses me and in that moment I wanted to think straight and not go on to do dumb mistakes. I kept thinking about what Yazan told me the other day. I still haven't come to the terms of believing that Nouman isn't the one for me. Because he is, in every way that I have dream of over the years but this time I am a little confused. It's a mind against heart kind of thing and I am just waiting for a sign. Anything to let me know what's wrong and what's right. 

***************************

I kept looking at the time on the clock. The party must have begun. Everyone from school must have started gathering at his place. I kept staring at the numbers and the hands of the clock as if that was going to change anything. I wanted to go. Yazan thought of throwing a party for everyone because we were getting bored at home having nothing to do now that our exams were over and we were waiting desperately for the results. God knows where our destinies will take us, He said. And while everyone's still here let's have a get-together party. 

But I wasn't really exhilarated about the idea of seeing Nouman there, which was why I couldn't get myself to get ready and go to the party. It was just a block away and Yazan's mom had already convinced my mom about it. It was going to be under her surveillance not the kind of parties white kids do. 

My thoughts were interrupted when I heard the ping sound Facebook makes when you get a message. I was so zoned out I didn't even realise that I was logged into Facebook the whole time. 

Where are you?

I shut my eyes close as I groaned. I didn't know what to say. This might be the last time I would be seeing everyone before leaving for Kuwait but I didn't want to be there for anyone except for Yazan. I still hadn't told anyone about what happened between me and Nouman on the last day of our exam. The messages kept coming. I sighed before letting my fingers hover over the keyboard. 

Yazan: Are you there? 

Why haven't you come here yet?

helloooooo

Me: I am at home

Yazan: I know that, I am asking why aren't you here? What happened? Did aunty tell you something?

Me: No, she doesn't have any problem. 

Yazan: Then????

Me: I don't know. I don't want to meet Nouman and everyone else will be asking me about that day. 

Yazan: Don't worry. I am here as well. I will take every bullet for you. :p

I laughed reading the last sentence. He sure was crazy and it did made me feel better about going there. 

Me: Alright, alright. I will be there. Give me 10 mins. :p

Yazan: You get 5! Now come soon already!

I smiled as I logged off Facebook and shut down my computer. I reminded myself I just had to go through this one last time. Then everyone will go separate ways and after months and years go by nobody will remember anything. 

And I came to realise later in life that I was wrong about that part. 

 ************************************

On my way to Yazan's house, I realised that I wasn't feeling anxious about what was to come. I was excited to have fun. To spend time with Yazan. I never felt the need to be accountable for the time I spent with him. I thought about the first day of school, the first day I met him. I never knew he would soon become a very important person in my life. 

I didn't know what kind of clothes the rest of the girls were wearing so I decided to settle for a navy sweater and jeans. I adjusted my baby hairs under my hijab when I was at his door and rang the bell. My heart began to beat faster when I heard some shuffling on the other side of the door. Someone making their way towards it. I could hear people's voices faintly in the background. I was almost sure it was going to be Yazan who would open the door but when the door flung open, I stood paralyzed for a good few seconds. 

"Asalaamu Alaikum beta. How are you doing? I was wondering where were you this whole time. I even asked Yazan about you. Come. Come in." Yazan's mom gestured me in and I took a step in and managed to smile back.

"Alaikum salaam aunty, I am fine Alhamdulilah. How are you? I am sorry I am late. Just had something to do. I hope I am not too late though" 

She waved her hand dismissively, "Ah, don't worry. It's not too late" then she kept her hand on my shoulder as she pulled me inside her house closing the door behind us. "Alhamdulilah, I am good. How's your mum? You should have brought her along"

I hesitated for a moment, "Umm...I didn't know she could come" 

"It's okay, it's okay" she replied. 

I looked around the crowd of people my eyes searching for only one but he wasn't there in the living room. I was here before but maybe because of lot of people the room looked smaller. I recognised some people from school. I wanted to ask aunty about where Yazan was but I wasn't sure how she'd take me asking about him as soon as I came so I let it go and let her go to the kitchen while I made my way to my girls. 

"Look who's here!" Noor was smiling brightly when she saw me coming towards them and as usual looking beautiful in a pale pink sundress and long waves. 

I hugged everyone of them. I didn't realise until that point that amidst everything I missed them too. Zeenath got up, she was wearing a black maxi dress. She came to me from where she was sitting on the couch with Khadija who was wearing a jeans and top with a maroon cardigan

"How are you?" Zeenath asked, looking straight into my eyes. Something about the look told me she came to know something and then my eyes landed over Aisha. Aisha was the only one wearing an Indian dress amongst us.  Aisha nodded as if confirming what I was thinking, "Yazan told Talha, Talha told me and I told everyone" 

"Oh god" I muttered. 

"It's okay" Noor said encircling my arm around hers as she pushed me towards the couch. "Shit happens. This is life" 

I nodded, "true" I managed to say. 

My eyes were still looking around, noticing each boy coming and going out of the kitchen or any other room for the sight of Yazan but he was nowhere to be seen. Khadija noticed my eyes searching for someone across the room and she nudged my elbow, "Looking for Nouman?" She asked and I wanted to correct her but again, I didn't. I didn't say anything. 

"All the boys are upstairs in Yazan's room. I guess they went upstairs to play PlayStation or something" She continued without my input. 

I understood then where he was and I was fighting every urge to get up right then and go upstairs. I waited for a while, counted every second so that nobody doubts where I was going then got up and excused myself to the washroom. 

I left them behind making my way from the crowd towards the stairs. On the first step, I took a deep breath as I looked up. The staircase lead to a hallway above. My heart had started beating fast again. I knew Nouman was there with them too. He had to be. Something came to my mind. I didn't know what made me think that but as I continued to go up step by step, a plan started to cook up in my brain. I began to think maybe the fact that I had come looking for Yazan would make Nouman feel jealous and he would realise that he would lose me if he doesn't make any solid amends. 

I was in the hallway and I didn't have to think much about which room Yazan's was because on the door it was written, YAZAN: THE SUPERMAN. A giggle left my mouth and I was soon to cover my mouth as I read it. He must have pasted it when he was a kid. The way it rhymed made me laugh again. I composed myself and gathered the courage to go inside. The door wasn't fully closed. It was almost open. I could hear them talking about something. It didn't make any sense at first then I started to put two and two together to understand what they were speaking about. The smile on my face seconds ago started to falter

"You got what you wanted, don't you? You have done enough damage now stay away from her!" I heard Yazan say, I could picture his veins bulging out of his temples. He sounded angry. 

"Why? Why should I stay away from her when you are the one who should be staying away?" Nouman responded.

"Excuse me? I guess you are forgetting something" Yazan scoffed. "Have you forgotten about the dare?" 

I stood there paralysed, listening to every word reach my ears. I gulped the lump forming in my throat, suddenly I started to feel very thirsty. I debated barging the door and going in but I just couldn't. I kept listening. 

"I don't give a damn about the dare, alright? I love her and I want you to stay out of our matters"

I bit my tongue to prevent myself from crying. I didn't know where the conversation was heading or what they were actually talking about but I had a feeling it was going to be bad. 

Yazan laughed in response. A mocking one. "You love her? You?" He laughed again and it was making me sick in the stomach hearing Yazan speak like this. 

"You don't love her, alright? You saw the advantage and you went for it. You got the money as well as a girlfriend to show off and you call that love? Oh please. Give me a break" 

"I know..." Nouman's voice is low. "I know how it seems like but trust me that's not the case" I press my ear on the door carefully not to let anyone inside know of my presence. "You gave me the dare to propose her, I took it as a challenge but after being with her and spending time with her I actually came around to have fallen in love with her. You know it, don't you? She's so special and I'd be a fool to let her go" 

My heart was beginning to ache with tears streaming out of my face. Yazan gave a dare to Nouman asking him to propose me? He placed a bet on me? He was the only one aware of my feelings towards Nouman, how could he do such a thing?

"Shut up! Just shut up, alright? I don't know who you are trying to fool here but I am not falling for your crap, Nouman. You have to stay away from her or else ..." 

"Or else what?" Nouman challenged him 

"or else I will tell Zukroof about the dare" He announced. 

I took a deep breath in as I wiped the tears with the back of my sleeve. 

"about how you used her all the time you were with her just to win a stupid bet" 

I didn't know what had gotten into me. In some parallel universe, I would have ran out of the house without them knowing what I have heard, crying like a stupid dumb girl that I was. That I was not important nor mattered to any of the two people that meant the most to me but instead I pushed the door open and I saw everyone's head turned to look at me. 

"ENOUGH!" I said.

I saw Talha and Faisal sitting on the couch opposite to Yazan's bed looking back at me in horror. I saw Yazan and Nouman standing in the middle of the room facing each other, looking at me. Their faces telling me what I already knew. They were wondering how much of their conversation I must have heard. 

I sniffed, I hated crying in front of people but they left me no choice, I made my way towards Yazan and Nouman. Yazan had his fists balled on his sides. 

"You" I said keeping my hands on his chest and pushing him back. He moved behind a few steps then managed to stand upright. My voice had started breaking. I didn't care. "You were the only one aware of my feelings for Nouman. How could you do this to me?" I balled my fists and attacked his chest. "How could you?" 

Yazan didn't look up at me. He was clearly ashamed and embarrassed of what he had done. And I realised I had begun crying because my vision started to blur with my tears. 

"Zukroof, it's not what you think it is" He muttered, still not looking up. 

Nouman encircled his arm around my shoulder as he began comforting by rubbing his palm against my arm, "Zukroof, I am sorry" He whispered near my ear and it felt so comforting I just wanted to hold him and break down but I kept staring at Yazan. His face had begun to disgust me. 

"Zukroof" He looked up, "Please give me a chance to explain" He moved forwards towards me and I pushed Nouman's hands away and approached Yazan.

"What more can you possibly explain Yazan? What is it?" I scoffed. Talha and Faisal looked at me with pity but I didn't care. I stepped closer to Yazan wiping the tears off my eyes, "Did you or did you not give Nouman a dare asking him to propose me?" I attacked him with my hand again and he moved back and I stepped further. "Did you or did you not?" I repeated, this time louder. 

"I did" He muttered as his head drooped low. 

"Did you or did you not pay him for doing it?" I asked. 

He didn't answer. I was getting furious by each passing second. "Did you or did you not, Yazan? I pushed him back harder this time. I wanted him to see him fall on the ground. I wanted to hurt him the way he had hurt me. All his words of wisdom and gestures were nothing but crap. He made me think Nouman was the wrong person when in reality he was the one I should have been careful about. 

"I did"

I stepped further till I was only an inch from his face. I saw it clearly on his face. Shame, guilt and moreover remorse but nothing could compensate for what he did to me and I know nothing except the fact that I was so furious at him for playing with my feelings that I rose my hand and gave him a tight slap across his face "You disgust me Yazan. I hate you" 

Before I knew I was making my way out of his room, out of the house reaching for the door. I heard footsteps behind me. Someone calling my name. I was stumbling, pushing people out of my way. Unlocking the door and stepping out for the breath of fresh air but even after gasping for air trying to breath properly I felt suffocated so I started walking towards my house. 

"Zukroof! Zukroof! WAIT!" 

I heard someone running to catch me. When I didn't turn he reached for my arm and turned me around. He cupped my face in his hands and wiped my tears away. "It's okay" He breathed. "Everything will be alright". It's dark outside and no street lamp nearby for me to make out his face. He placed his hand on my neck and pulled me forward gently towards his chest and wrapped himself around me. I feel like crap and his comfort feels like a warm blanket on a freezing night and just like that, I melt in Nouman's arms.