(TW: mild suicidal ideation)

[??/??/2018] - Entry #15 - Medical Notes

My opinions on reality are rapidly switching, I keep fearing nothing and no one only to believe everything and everyone is a threat. My supposed superiority complex has gone to new levels, it might've even evolved into a god complex. Of course, it fluctuates, so at times, my opinion of myself goes to the normal pride in my abilities. The buzzing has become much more intense, I can't sleep at all at this point, third day without sleep. It feels like I'm constantly on the verge of a panic attack, but I'm also filled with excitement and motivation. My focus is terrible and amazing at the same time. I can't focus on a conversation for the life of me, but I can pay attention to my inventions so much that I forget to do anything else. Loratadine is clearly a poor choice for my wellbeing and I'm going to stop taking it. 

I sighed and tapped my hand on my desk rapidly, frustrated that I'd failed to solve my problem. This was supposed to make things better but it just aggravated already existing problems. I wanted to make things better for myself and those around me and all I did was make things even more difficult for me to be a decent person. Before I knew it, Raph was in my lab, looking at me. What did he want from me? Why was he just staring at me? "Can I help you?" I decided to ask.

"I'm uhhh... I'm worried about you, Donnie." Raph sighed. "You're not acting like yourself, a lot about you's changed... like a lot. You're eating way more than usual, I can't remember the last time I saw you go to sleep, and you look a lot more upset and worried than usual. Is something wrong? Is there any way I can help?" Normally, someone asking to help me would make me feel appreciated, but at that moment, it felt like a personal attack. It felt like he was trying to pry into my mind. 

He just wants to get information so he can use it against you. You can't trust him, you can't trust anyone. They all just want to hurt you, they're waiting for you to let your guard down. Don't tell him anything. 

"I'm fine, Raph, mind your own business." I came off a bit more aggressive than I'd meant to, but it was too late to take it back. They were all used to me being a jerk anyways. 

"Alright, but... just know we all love you and are here for you if you change your mind, okay?" Raph offered. "You're our brother and you matter to us, I'd be more than happy to talk to you about it. Or you can talk to dad if you don't wanna talk to me-"

"I said I'm fine!" I spat out. "Now get out, I'm busy." I glared at him, feeling more stressed by the second while around him. I didn't know why, there probably wasn't even a reason. I was just upset to be upset, I supposed. Rahp looked down, then nodded.

"I'll let you know when dinner's ready." He waved, then left the room. I was left alone again, left in the same old place, wallowing in my own mental issues. He had to leave though, it was fair that I pushed him away. It was dangerous to let anyone in, it wasn't a good idea. I was too smart to fall for that, I wasn't as easy to manipulate as others thought. They were all just waiting for me to trust someone. At least, that's how it felt. I couldn't control how intense it felt, but as I sat there, thinking more and more, the weight of what I'd done started crushing me. I'd pushed away the only person who seemed to care, I'd made him leave and probably made him hate me. Why was I so mean to everyone I cared about? Why did I never show that I cared? Why did I make everything I cared about nothing and no one? It was a good thing I was quitting Loratadine, it was stupid to think anything would ever change, it was idiotic to think that things would ever get better. The sooner I accepted it, the sooner I'd go back to normal and the sooner I'd go back to being my normal amount of a disappointment. 

"Don, what the heck?!" Leo burst into the lab, startling me quite a bit.

"Sigh, which of my unforgivable sins are you here to reprimand me about now?" I knew he was upset with me, so I was going to at least make it somewhat entertaining for myself. 

"You yelled at Raph for just trying to help you! Why?! He didn't even do anything! I get it when you yell at people most of the time, they did something to tick you off a little bit, but this time, he was just being nice to you!" Leo folded his arms.

"Bold of you to assume that being nice to me isn't doing anything that makes me upset." I rolled my eyes. 

"Dude, this is too far." Leo let out a long, drawn out sigh. "I tried to be understanding of you, but maybe you really are just a jerk!" 

"Probably." I shrugged.

"I'm not talking to you again until you give Raph a sincere apology!" Leo then stormed out of the lab, leaving me alone again. I decided it was at least good that he didn't want to talk to me, at least I wasn't going to hurt him on accident anymore. Maybe if I made the rest of them not want to be around me anymore, it would make everyone avoid me and keep me isolated. Sure, it would be lonely when I wanted to actually be around people, but at least no one else would be dragged into whatever issues were going on with me. I looked at one of my inventions, it was a giant buzzsaw, perfect for inflicting serious damage to anything from wood to metal to people. 

You could saw yourself in half with that thing, it would be so easy. You could get rid of the main problem in the family. 

What?! Where did that even come from?! I wasn't going to act on those sorts of thoughts obviously, but why was that suddenly showing up?! I needed to distract myself, I needed to do something that would make me feel better somehow. I didn't need anything else feeding those thoughts, I knew how delicate a matter it was. I had to go through the withdrawal period as well, which would cause even more problems. Maybe I just needed to lock myself in my lab until it was all over. But then they'd worry about me if they actually cared, and that wasn't something I wanted to risk. Maybe I'd stay in my lab or room most of the time and then spend the rest of my time getting what I needed, but I didn't know how I could get away with that without initiating a conversation of some kind. Maybe I just had to wear a sign that said "toxic individual coming through, avoid at all costs" or something and then play it off as a joke if someone were to question it. But it wouldn't be fair to make someone feel like I disliked them just to make myself feel better in my self destructive, isolating behavior. No one needed to have me causing more problems for them than I already was. But then again, that was the exact point I was trying to avoid them. 

If I invented something that could erase their memory of me until I was ready to reintroduce myself into the house, maybe they wouldn't care if I was gone? But at the same time, that would also be risky because they could possibly see me as a threat just by living there, and seeing photos of me in the family photos would be confusing. This was frustrating, why couldn't I think of any actually helpful ideas? Why was I so useless? I needed to do something that was going to make everyone feel better, I needed to make up for all of the problems that I was causing for them. I wasn't good enough yet, I hadn't done enough to deserve their kindness and respect. Why was I even thinking like that though? I was a genius, I was the smartest in the room no matter where I went and I beat any possible competition with my skills in technology. I created plenty of inventions that drastically changed the way my family handled situations, I gave them a whole new way of living that they wouldn't have had access to on their own. I was incredibly impressive, I didn't need to beat myself up over my struggles, everything was fine. I was superior to many other people anyways. 

Where was that line of thinking coming from though? I wasn't better than anyone else, that was just some new form of superiority complex that I was getting access to. It wasn't even anything new, it was just that it was a new level of intensity, so it made me even worse of a person than I already was. If I were to change myself for others, they would notice, but would they like me more or would they know that it was all an act? Would they be concerned? If they would, why would they even care about me? It didn't make sense, I wasn't helpful to them in any other way. My opinions kept changing about myself, I needed to find a way to get myself to stop doing that. I picked up my tools and started working on a new project, something simple yet enjoyable since I had the attention span of a speck of dust unless I was doing something I especially enjoyed. I lost interest after about 30 minutes, which was much sooner than usual, my motivation was diminishing rapidly and it was somewhat insulting that I was losing my one ability that kept me useful. 

"Hey Donnie, can we talk?" Mikey approached me slowly, I somehow didn't notice him entering. I wasn't really doing anything important and I needed to make them believe everything was fine somehow, so I nodded and turned to face him. "Thank you." he sat down in another chair nearby and took a deep breath. "What's going on? You're acting way different. I tried not to bring it up, I thought you were just having a bad day or something, but it's been like a week or so now... why're you acting so different now?" Of course he'd noticed the unexplained changes, he was the main person who noticed changes like that. 

"Nothing's going on. I appreciate your concern, but I'm just being my normal self." I had to come up with some sort of excuse before he realized too much, before any of them could figure out what was going on. "You've mentioned before that you seem to observe emotional and/or mental instability in me at times, this must be another one of those times." I picked up a pen and started tapping it on my desk to keep myself from losing my cool or telling him anything.

"This isn't your normal upset or anything like that, you're acting really different, it's like you're not Donnie. Your mood keeps changing really fast and you're not taking care of yourself right. You're eating way different and you're not sleeping." Mikey pointed out different things he'd noticed. "You talk really fast sometimes and you either talk to us way more than usual or you avoid us way more than usual. You've been talking about things you normally wouldn't talk about, you keep randomly looking at us like we're gonna hurt you, and I catch you looking around the room at nothing sometimes. Not the kind of way you'd look somewhere to imagine something either, the kind of way you'd look at something that isn't really there but you think it is. This is scary, Donnie... what's going on?"

"I understand your concern, but it isn't warranted here." I sat the pen down and folded my hands, I wasn't going to let a nervous habit show through now that he was so concerned. "No amount of questioning is going to change the fact that nothing's wrong with me, I apologize for the inconvenience of being fine." I was unintentionally becoming irritated with him.

"Donnie, please... you know something's wrong, don't you?" Mikey looked like he was going to cry. "You can talk to me, I can help you. Going through something serious isn't going to help anything, it's not good to pretend that you're okay when you're not. I know you can't really tell how you feel a lot of the time, but I think with something this serious, you'd know."

"Nothing's going on, okay? Nothing's wrong and there's nothing serious going on, so there's no way for me to recognize emotions that aren't there." I subconsciously gritted my teeth, it was a stressful topic.

"You're lying, you're gritting your teeth right now! This conversation's stressing you out because there's something you're not telling me!" Mikey pointed at me, it seemed I couldn't escape it. "You gotta tell us what's going on! Nothing gets better from keeping secrets, just talk to m-"

"No! Get out, Mikey! Out of my lab! Now!" I didn't mean to be rude, but I internally panicked or something and I pointed to the door. Mikey looked hurt, but he nodded and stood up.

"We're talking about this later though, you're not avoiding this forever." He left me back to my isolation. It was peaceful even though it hurt. I couldn't tell if the overwhelming silence was a blessing or a curse, if I wanted to be alone or if I deserved to be alone for my cruel treatment of everyone I loved.