[??/??/2018] - Entry #5 - Medical notes.

Still on Loratadine. Noticeable change in mood. Elevated mood, depression quickly fading, but anxiety is getting worse. More energetic, better appetite, almost too good. Overeating is a possibility, further research is necessary. Buzzing sensation in entire body, still lacking any ability of sleep, it's gotten even worse in fact. Research on Loratadine's side effects has been postponed for other activities, but will be gotten to. Stopping Loratadine too soon would completely remove the point of taking it, so it will stay. 

I tucked the journal back into the manilla folder and put it into the filing cabinet, then took my recommended dose of the medication before swiftly putting it back. I'd almost gotten caught taking it before, it was a good thing I put it in colorful, blue capsules. I was able to convince Mikey that it was nothing but a breathmint. I didn't even have to come up with the lie, he just saw the container of breathmints nearby and assumed. It was a good thing too, I wasn't in the correct mindset to pull off a successful lie. I felt a little sick, I'd been eating too much lately and it was making me feel a lot worse than when I wasn't eating enough. I couldn't stop the medication too quickly though, it would only make things worse. I went to the main area to see what everyone else was doing, they were talking about Jupiter Jim. It was a good change of topic from what I'd been thinking about, it made me happy to have something more positive to think about. I sat down near them and listened to them.

"No, he wouldn't do that!" Leo laughed. "You just want your headcanon to be true because you want to be able to relate to him more, Raph!"

"C'mon, Leo, I wasn't saying he would, I was just saying he could." Raph chuckled. "Technically, unless proven otherwise, anything and everything is possibly canon."

"That's not how fandoms work!" Mikey giggled.

"Schrodinger's cat would disagree with both of you." I decided to pitch in. "Until the information is revealed to us by the creator, it's both completely possible and completely impossible at the time time, a paradox is created by the lack of information."

"What?" Leo looked at me. "English, Donnie."

"I- sigh." I rolled my eyes. "Schrodinger's cat is a scientific theory where if you put a cat in a box and leave it with a radioactive material connected to a contraption, it's not dead or alive until you open the box to see for yourself. It's about the fact that your perception of reality shapes what exists. Your perception of reality is your reality, making anything you know true."

"Don't try to kill a caaaaat!" Mikey whined.

"No, that's not the point." I facepalmed. "The cat's just an example, it's not real. Raph's perception of reality is different from Leo's. For Raph, his headcanon is true, and for Leo, it isn't. You need to choose for yourself what is true or not, you shape your reality more than anyone else can."

"Oh, I think I get it!" Raph smiled. "That's a pretty complicated way to explain that people have different opinions, but okay!"

"That wasn't the point, but it's close enough I suppose." I was just glad that they were trying to understand. I was more easily annoyed than usual, which was difficult to pull off considering I was, well... me. "Schrodinger's cat was a thought experiment to prove that as long as you have no access to information, nothing can be true or false, it's something in between and different altogether."

"You're talking quicker than usual, it's even harder to keep up!" Mikey put his face down in a pillow.

"I'm speaking faster than usual?" I blinked, then took note of that onto my wrist tablet. "I'm just enthusiastic is all, don't mind me."

"Okay, if you're sure." Raph seemed concerned, which wasn't a good sign. I wasn't particularly fond of the possibility of being found out, but I'd have to ignore it for the time being. 

"I got some pizza earlier!" Leo smiled. "Want some, Donnie?"

"Sure, why not?" I did like the sound of pizza, even if I'd already been overeating and making myself feel sick while doing so. I got up and grabbed a few slices, sitting down and eating. As long as no one took notice of my poor eating habits, it'd be fine, right? I'd have to check my weight at some point to be sure that I wasn't having a significant amount of weight gain too quickly, I didn't want to ruin my health. I finished the slices after a while and noticed that Mikey was staring at me. "Is everything alright?"

"I saw you eating like an hour ago, you ate a big meal." Mikey pointed out. "Are you okay? You're eating like... way more than usual."

"Yes, I'm fine." I was surprised that someone had already noticed. "I've just been making sure to eat enough since I forgot to eat a lot recently."

"Oh, okay!" Mikey nodded, not doubting me for a second since they all believed I was terrible at lying no matter what. I was glad for that, but I couldn't help but feel a bit guilty about lying to him. He just wanted to help me and there I was, already pushing the help away again. "I'm glad you're eating enough! I was a little worried about you when I saw you not eating enough."

"Don't worry, that was just a temporary thing. I just forgot how to tell if I'm hungry." I decided to play it off as a joke. "Laughing emoji."

"Ooookayyyy?" Leo blinked. "Demon possession. No normal person says 'laughing emoji'."

"I'm not normal, but I'm not possessed by a demon." I couldn't help but find it a little funny that he was accusing me of being possessed, I normally didn't but the idea was rather ridiculous. Demons weren't real, it was just something that people told children to scare them. "Now, if you want to see what I'd be like if that happened to be real, I could act like that and show you what that would be like."

"Nope! No thanks!" Leo laughed at that. "Normal you is weird enough, I don't need you going all feral theater kid on me!"

"I'm not feral, there's a difference between deranged and feral." I folded my arms. "You know I hate the woods, I wouldn't go in there if you paid me to do so. I wasn't built for the wild and feral animals are usually wild animals that thrive in the woods."

"Neeeeeeeerd!" Leo poked my cheek, then sat back down in his spot. 

"That's funny coming from you." I rubbed my cheek to try to restore equilibrium in that spot. "You happen to like studying different languages constantly, which requires you to study a lot, even if you don't like reading. You also seem to enjoy quoting different pop culture references in your puns, you like to use old and up to date references. That takes quite a bit of knowledge, Leo-nerd-o."

"Haha, very funny." Leo used a mocking tone. 

"Alright, you two, the arguing's getting a little old." Raph chuckled. "Besides, Donnie, I've never seen you this passionate about debating with someone about much other than things like tech versus magic."

"Tech and science are much better than magic and you know it." I would always defend science against being compared with the likes of magic. "But I know that this wasn't the point. I'm just more fond of a friendly debate than usual."

"But you sounded kinda angry." Mikey hugged me, I just let him do that. "Do you need a nap?"

"No, I don't. Thank you though, that's thoughtful. I think." I couldn't tell if he was genuinely trying to comfort me or if he was being patronizing me and comparing me to a fussy child, but I wasn't about to treat my little brother like he was being a jerk when he seemed to have good intentions. 

"Alright." Raph nodded and gave me a small smile. "Just... take care of yourself, okay?"

"Sure thing." I gave him a thumbs up, then freed myself from Mikey's deathtrap of a hug. "No more physical contact for now, I'm a bit overstimulated."

"Okay!" Mikey nodded. He understood what that was and why it bothered me when it happened, so he was respectful about that. He genuinely cared about that, maybe it was just because he didn't want to seem disrespectful for not listening to someone's boundaries. Either way, I appreciated the fact that he listened to me when I brought that up. "Wanna watch a Lou Jitsu movie with us?"

"That sounds like a good idea, I wouldn't mind that." I decided it would be better to try to spend more time with them, it could possibly give me more insight on how I would interact with others while on the Loratadine. "When are we watching it?"

"No plan yet, we'll just be we!" Leo grinned, he seemed so confident in himself. 

"That's the logic of missions, not on family time." I facepalmed. "With family time, we need to plan for it so everyone knows when to show up and so no one has to wait more than 10 minutes for everyone else to show up. You know how inconvenient it is to not plan for something so time sensitive. I'd appreciate it if you all were to accommodate to my need of a schedule and basic plan of what to do."

"I'll accommodate you, Dee!" Mikey smiled brightly to me. 

"Mikey can just tell you when we're ready." Leo offered. "There, problem solved."

"No, that's not how this works. I need a schedule so I can prepare 30 minutes in advance. Proper snacks that are separated from yours so I don't have to deal with improper textures and foods mixed together that shouldn't be, a weighted blanket prepared on the couch on my spot, preparing myself for a somewhat social event lasting longer than 30 minutes, and checking what movie we're watching takes time."

"We don't have a plan for the movie either, we'll just pop in the first one we see!" Leo smirked at me.

"But that makes no sense!" I complained. "The whole point of watching a movie together is to make everyone happier and give us all a break from the stress, but with you not listening to me when I tell you what would make this a more positive experience for everyone, it seems like the whole point is just to stress me out!"

"It's kinda funny." Leo held back a laugh.

"Yep, it's purely to annoy me I see." I decided it wasn't worth my time. "I'd rather not join movie night after all, you enjoy your chaos without me."

"Nooooo, Donnieeeeeeee!" Mikey pouted. "Family movie night can't happen without you because then the family won't be complete!"

"I fail to see the part where that was my problem in particular." I was getting more annoyed by the second, it was escalating much quicker than usual. "Now if you need me, I'll be working in my lab, being productive while you all debate about headcanons and what would and wouldn't make sense in a fictional reality." I went to my lab and started working on one of my latest projects. How was I supposed to take anything they said seriously when they always treated me like a joke? Well, the generalization was a bit offensive, Mikey and Raph weren't really doing what Leo was doing. Why did Leo seem to always want to treat me like a joke? Maybe it was him just doing that as his common coping mechanism of using humor in the least appropriate situations possible, but if that were the case, then that would mean that I was a source of constant stress to him. Knowing myself, that was actually likely to be accurate. I pulled out the notebook and added to the page.

More prone to anger and irritation, more research to be done later.

I didn't need to add much more than that, so I put the journal away again. I started to feel more sick, it was probably eating when I was already too full for my comfort, so I went to the bathroom just in case. I laid on the cold floor and waited for the nausea to go away. I never ended up throwing up, I didn't think I really could, so I just waited there for an hour or so, letting the unideal feelings slowly melt away. I went back to the journal yet again and wrote in it.

Nausea as well.

It wasn't seeming like the Loratadine was a very good choice for me, but I wasn't a doctor and I hadn't taken it for long enough to be sure that it wasn't just a bad day for me. I went to my room and got into bed, burying myself in blankets. The next day could be better, it could just be me having a bad day, after all.