"I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens." - Woody Allen.

1810

She came to them in the dead of night, the wind howled around the institute and the thunder grumbled under the weight of a thousand lost promises. She came to them wounded and in need of healing. A bedraggled thing, they weren't sure if she was going to survive the night, but they came to realise just what a strong creature she was. Her eyes spoke of sorrows untold, her body a nightmare of lashes. Her mouth whimpered over all that had happened and yet she could speak no words. The nuns took her in. It was their duty and they could see a broken spirit in need of help. The girl, for that's what she was, was neither poor nor rich, she was a plain girl who shivered like the last fall of autumn leaves.

They placed her in one of their guest rooms and let her be. Oh, they tried to get her to talk but she either wouldn't or couldn't. She became the talk of the nunnery as no one could bear the pain that shone from her eyes or the battered and broken body that lay in the bed. The nuns prayed for her. They cared for her and they worried for her. She seemed like a strong girl and they did not want to see her perish, though perish she was likely to do.

One sister of a nun came calling on a dark and dreary day. She took one look at the slip of a girl and saw something that no one else did. She saw a drive to survive, underneath the pain and the anguish there was an anger that burned brightly and a determination to survive. It became her mission to help the girl where all others had failed.

Valarie had been with the nuns now for three months and in all that time she had not said a word. Stuck as she was in her own inner turmoil. The past wasn't a place you should wander and yet Valarie had lost the key to set herself free.

Placing her hands on her stomach, she looked down at what her life had become. Now at six months pregnant, there was no way to hide the bump. When she'd arrived here, there had barely been a bump to see and now there was no denying that she was a pregnant woman. She was grateful to the nuns, for without them she'd be dead in a ditch somewhere.

She caressed her stomach with sadness. The baby would be born of her, but she knew she could not keep it. She'd already begun hardening her heart against it. This wasn't like when she was ten and grew out of her childhood, this was much bigger. She didn't have the heart to care or love the baby inside of her. Better it be far away from her as it stood a better chance that way.

Someone came into her room. It wouldn't be a nun for they had long given up on getting her to talk. She dragged her eyes away from the greyness of the wall to the stranger before her. She was older, just like everyone else in this place but her eyes...Valarie had never see eyes as kind as the ones before her. It made her doubt her actions and her silence.

"What's your name child?" she asked kindly.

Valarie was tempted, so tempted to talk.

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. I just came in here to keep you company. Staring at these walls must get pretty boring."

"Valarie," she rasped, her voice cracked from disuse. "My name is Valarie."

"Pleased to meet you Valarie, my name is Cora."

Valarie nodded, it would have been polite to shake hands or curtsy, but Valarie couldn't bring herself to do either.

"Now, I know what you're thinking but I'm not going to bombard you with questions. Like I said, I'm just here to offer you some company, look I brought my knitting with me," she said, waving her knitting needles at Valarie.

Valarie nodded and watched her work from the corner of her eye.

From that first meeting, Cora visited often with her knitting and the two women sat in silence for many hours at a time. Until one day, Valarie couldn't keep silent anymore.

"I ran away. I couldn't do what was required of me. Not after everything was stolen from me."

"Stolen? What was stolen from you Valarie?"

"My childhood! The love of a family, my innocence and my friends. Gone, all gone."

"My dear child, perhaps it isn't as bad as you think."

"They sold me," spat Valarie. "My own parents sold me to the highest bidden when I was just ten years old. Betrothed to be married they said...more like imprisoned."

"Is that why you ran away? Because you wanted to escape an arranged marriage?"

"Do you know what happens to a boy when he realises, he doesn't have to work for what he wants? That everything will be handed to him on a silver platter for him to simply do with what he will! I didn't run away from a marriage, I ran away from hell."

"Did you marry the man of which you speak?"

"No, I ran before I could be forever trapped."

"Where is he now?"

"Gone from the streets. Gone from his fancy house and his parent's money. He resides in a place where he can hurt others no more. How long though, how long will he be there before the gates are opened once more?"

"He's in gaol?"

"He is where he belongs," spat Valarie viciously, "yet I am so fearful of his return."

"You said yourself, he cannot hurt another person where he is now."

"I cannot have this baby. I cannot keep that which came from the depths of hell. I must sever all connections. I must let go and I must disappear."

"Do you believe that to be wise?"

"I am not some damsel in distress! I control my own destiny, my heart can be frozen and once all is done, I shall spread my winds and take flight like many a bird before me."

"You must push Valarie."

Screams were all she heard, the screams that came from her own mouth and haunted her as she pushed through the pain."

"One last push Valarie, just one more."

She heard more screams, they weren't hers though and they weren't really screams but cries.

"There now, would you like to see her?"

Her. Valarie turned to face the wall and waiting while the nuns spoke over her. Soon enough the sounds of her baby drifted off into nothingness. Her baby, her little girl. She wept openly for the child she had birthed and the child she would never know. It was just like when she was ten, another piece of her heart had broken off. She was broken and her heart was damaged. Emotions could not hurt her if she could not feel them.

Depression followed the birth of her child, just as the nuns knew it would and they comforted Valarie the best they could. Cora, her rock through the final months of pregnancy stayed with her through it all. The depression, the fear and finally the acceptance passed by in a blink of the eye. For as much as Valarie depended on Cora, there was still so much she kept hidden. Still, Cora offered her sanctuary in her home should Valarie ever come to need it.

The morning Valarie decided to leave the nuns was a cold and blistery one, but it didn't stop her from going.

"I had hopes and dreams once," she said.

"What do you have now?" asked Cora.

"A need to survive. I need to be in control of my life. No one – and I mean no one – will ever have control over me again."