"Now, after so many years, I understand what the coldness was and where it came from – this sense that everything is lost, and worthless, and meaningless" – Lauren Oliver, Delirium

1804

"Valarie, Valerie, oh for heaven's sake child! Where are you?"

The girl in question was hiding out at the back of the vast garden that backed the modest house. She'd been playing and had gotten her dress dirty. Knowing she couldn't avoid her Mother's call for much longer, she squared her shoulders before trudging slowly back to the house with her head bent in guilt.

Her Mother was standing on the back porch, waiting for her and from a glance at her face, Valarie knew she was in BIG trouble.

"Goodness child, what have you done?"

Her Mother gripped her arm tightly and dragged her into the house. Valarie cried out in pain, but her Mother paid no heed to her.

"I told you child, no fuss today and look what you've done. I'm glad I had a mind to check on you...I'll have to scrub you red raw to get the dirt off you and the bath will be cold. I've no time to waste hot water on you. Of all the days! Why can't you be more like your sister? You're such a disgrace to this family."

True to her word, Valarie's Mother did scrub her red raw. It hurt and Valarie cried out, but a pinch of her ears shut her up. It seemed like hours before her Mother was done with her and when she was instructed to stand before the mirror, Valarie only saw a stranger starring back.

Her Mother stood behind her, pushing her hands down on Valarie's shoulders.

"Listen here girl, you will sit next to us and do as you're told. I don't want to hear a peep out of you. If you find that too difficult, look at your sister, at least she knows how to behave. You will not ruin this. Do you understand?"

Valarie nodded, none had ever scared her as much as her Mother did. Though she was a carefree child and full of life, she was as timid as a mouse when her Mother was around.

She was forced to sit between her parent's as their guests arrived. Her sister sat off to the side, she was the spitting image of their Mother. She was the perfect young lady who could do no wrong and Valarie hated her for it. She knew the family who were visiting as they were usual guests of her parents. Valarie would often play with their son and the other children in the small town.

The adults talked and Valarie sat with her ankles crossed and her hands folded together on her lap as she starred unseeingly at all before her. She only began paying attention when she heard her name mentioned.

"Of course, Valarie is delighted by this news. They shall make such a lovely couple when the time comes."

"I brought the necessary paperwork with us," said the Father of the boy.

"Splendid, what a top notion to get things finalised so quickly," replied Valarie's own Father.

Valarie didn't understand what was happening and almost opened her mouth to ask when she caught her Mother's eye and thought better of it. Valarie stayed as still as a statue till a thump on her back from her Mother told her that their guests were leaving. She hurried to get up and curtsy as she was supposed to do.

"Well, that went better than expected," said her Mother as the door closed on their guests.

"Yes, one less problem to deal with. What do you think Valarie? Do you like Jason?" her Father asked.

"I suppose so Father, but he is a boy."

"Well you had better learn to love him" said her Mother.

"Why?"

"He is to be your husband."

"I don't want to marry Jason."

"You'll do as you're told girl. Besides all the paperwork has been signed, if it weren't for your age, we could marry you right this second."

"Do I not get a choice?" asked Valarie, frowning.

"Of course, you don't. Haven't you been listening? I swear you're as dumb as two wooden posts. What did I do to deserve a child like you?" cried her Mother.

"It's alright Mother, calm down," said Valarie's sister.

"I should have gotten rid of you when I had the chance, you've been nothing but a disappointment since the day you were born."

"Come now my dear, no need for hysterics. We've done what we could, soon she'll be our responsibility no more."

Valarie watched her family console each other and with a frown she managed to escape the room for the freedom the garden could provide. She sat in the far reaches of the garden, hidden from view and safe from her family.

Valarie frowned, her forehead wrinkling in frustration. She was only ten, but she understood more than people thought. She'd been born into a family that didn't want her. They did not need her, and they didn't love her. She was starved of the affection a family should give but she knew that if she changed and conformed to her Mother's idea of perfection, she still wouldn't be accepted. It was a hard lesson to learn at ten.

"I know who I am," she said out loud. "I will not be changed. I will not be caged. I will not be hurt."

She did not realise it at the time, but she did change, her heart hardened, and her childlike innocence vanished in a blink of an eye.