"People often believe they were safer in the light, thinking monsters only came out at night. But safety – like light – is a façade." – C.J. Roberts, Captive in the Dark

They're the same, I thought, waking suddenly. My face was pale, and my hands were shaking. The back of my throat was dry, and I felt dizzy from all that I'd witnessed. They're the same, not similar but the same! How is that possible? I was worried. I felt sick. Things weren't making sense in my head. How could the Raff I knew be identical to the Raff in the past? Surely, they couldn't be the same person...it just didn't make sense. Or did it? I was having visions of the past and I knew there was a mystery to uncover. If I was going to entertain the possibility of reincarnation, didn't it stand to reason that Raff could somehow have lived in the past as he now lived in the present? My head was spinning as I tried to make sense of things. My palms sweat, my toes curled, and I took big gulping breaths of air. I needed to make sense of all I'd seen but I didn't think I would get a chance. With the ball almost upon us, the atmosphere in the Castle was incredibly high. It was clear to me that this ball was important for reasons I didn't understand. I was surprised that the ball had snuck up so suddenly, to me it seemed like barely a week had passed since it had been announced. I was feeling sophisticated and privileged to have secured an invitation to the ball by Raff. I was starting to feel like an outsider, someone who came to the party late, because in the eyes of the villagers, I was still an unknown entity.

I hadn't seen any of my friends in the week leading up to the ball and it was starting to impact me negatively. Making me feel lonely, abandoned, and down. There was a sadness within me as I walked, and I knew depression was lurking at the back of my eyes. I couldn't distinguish whether my mood was because I was lonely or because of my most recent blackout. Perhaps a combination of both. I knew I was a social creature and as much as I enjoyed alone time, I craved the companionship of others more. I understood that everyone was busy with preparations, but I couldn't help but feel a little rejected.

My mind was having dark thoughts of late, spurred forward by the nightmares I'd been having. I was fearful when awake and fearful when asleep. Then there was that voice that had been haunting me.

'Valera,' it called. 'Valeraaaa', it said, dragging out the last letter of my name.

Sinister laughter always followed the voice.

'I'm coming for you.'

Silence would follow, with a chill in the air that made me shake uncontrollably.

I pushed the thoughts aside.

Bored, and without company, my mind returned to the questions I had a visit to the portrait gallery became my light bulb idea. I knew I had been unsuccessful in finding Raff's portrait before, but I didn't have the determination I had now. I hadn't had a proper look there since I'd first met Georgina and Freya. With everyone now busy decorating for the ball, it provided me the perfect chance to investigate without being caught. I always loved art. Like books, art had the ability to transport you to another place and I loved to speculate about what the artist was thinking of in the moment they painted.

I loved all the portrait paintings and often thought it a shame that people had progressed from paintings to photographs. It was sad that society had forgotten about the once grand paintings of centuries gone by. Looking around the room, I got caught up in many of the wonderful landscapes and faces that were on offer. However, I noticed one major problem. There were no pictures of Raff. I should have known this would have been the outcome. Things were never simple. Childhood paintings, yes, I could see the resemblance but there were no current paintings of him. It was, I thought, rather suspicious, as though something was being hidden on purpose. This could prove or deny my thoughts, on the one hand the lack of paintings could mean that the Raff I knew was the same as the Raff from the past. Or it could simply be that the current portraits were kept in a different room or kept in storage.

If I had still been on friendly terms with Maggie, I would have asked her about it. As it was, I didn't think it would be worth the aggravation that would come with the questions. I didn't want anyone else to think of me as a hussy because I was getting enough bad looks to last me a lifetime. I was finding it very hard, being branded with a name that didn't match who I was inside.

I had thought of asking the twins first but knew that would lead to a one-way street where I'd get hassled until I admitted the reasons behind my curiosity. As I could feel my stomach begin to rumble, I headed towards the kitchen in search of good food and good company. I was surprised to find Maria sitting comfortably in a chair by the table. An aroma of wonderful smells filled the room and made my mouth water with longing.

"I thought you would have been snowed under with food requests for the ball."

Maria chuckled, "child, it won't get busy here till the day of the ball, and even then, all the tasks are divided between all. It's not just me working in the kitchen by myself you know."

I nodded, it made sense, sort of. I still didn't know how she could be so calm when soon she'd have to make dinner for a large crowd. If it were me, I'd be full on panicking right now.

"I expect you're hungry. Sit down and I'll get you some soup."

I sat down, feeling slightly guilty that I'd made Maria get up. Waiting in anticipation for the moment the mixture of flavours would travel down my throat and into my staving stomach, I try to quell the roar of hunger. The bowl was set before me and I gazed down at it greedily. Taking a spoonful in my mouth I moaned in delight as the deliciousness of the soup was revealed. In the background I heard Maria chuckling at my reaction, but I was too far up in food heaven to be offended. Only once I had finished eating was I able to take notice of the world around me once more.

"Better?"

I nodded, "I swear, I never ate so much food before I came here."

Maria clucked her tongue in response, "you could do with fattening up my dear girl. Young folk today are nothing but skin and bone."

I had a thousand and one responses to that but doubted that Mrs Plum would appreciate any, so I kept my mouth shut on that and changed the topic of conversation.

"How come there aren't any paintings of Raff in the Portrait Gallery after his childhood?"

Startled, Maria dropped the spoon she'd been holding. It clattered to the floor and remained there a fair while before it was picked up.

"Oh, you noticed...we were hoping you wouldn't."

"So, why aren't there any paintings? Surely it's tradition for paintings to be commissioned once adulthood is reached?"

"Well, one had been planned but you see there were some unforeseen circumstances...the Marquis became a recluse...I guess things were forgotten."

I frowned at Maria, the way she talked had been hesitant, the tone of voice forced and the explanation vague at best.

"I see," I said, not really seeing at all and feeling more confused than ever.

"Have you seen the Marquis recently?"

"Not for a couple of days."

"Then you won't have heard the exciting news. There are some new guests staying in the Castle. They come from the Estates in the surrounding area but haven't been seen in this Castle in years."

I didn't even know there were other Estates near Flyzroy Castle and this news both alarmed and confused me, it didn't bring me feelings of joy or excitement at all. 

From my latest encounter with the past, I felt myself falling without anyone there to catch me. I'd used the time in preparation for the ball to do a little snooping but had come up short. What I really wanted was to find out the source of the fear Valarie felt in the past. I knew that was the lynch pin to this whole thing. I tried to keep a look out for those people visiting from the other Estates, but I was unable to tell Adam from Eve in all the faces I saw. I was a little miffed at Maria's announcement of new guests because Raff had never mentioned them coming. I found myself rather jealous of these unknown people who had known Raff far longer than I. To top it all off, I hadn't seen Raff recently and while I knew he was probably busy with arrangements for the ball, I was feeling slightly lost and empty without him.

I was far more tired than I ever remembered being since arriving at the Castle. The more confused I became about the past, the more the past and the present converged on my life like a hot rash. I hadn't been sleeping well and was constantly dreaming or being transported to the past life of Valarie. I was slowly spiraling out of control and I knew it.

Something was given up and it cried and cried. Black and white people all around her. She took comfort in their silence. Guilt gnawed at her, sadness engulfed her, depression, loneliness, fear. Emotions swirled inside her begging for release. Anger clawed at her throat. She screamed but no sound came. Always moving forward though her feet bled with pain. Anguish...a cry at last. Silence, was she even there??

The bleeding affect, as I called it was getting harder to ignore. I'd grabbed the wall while I was assaulted with snippets of an event that made no sense to me. I couldn't see if Valarie was even in them, though she must have been, but I didn't understand the significance of emotions, the black and white people or the crying. It was all a mystery to me.

On this, the morning of the ball, I barely had the energy to move. My eyes were raw and red, and I'd stayed away in fear of another flashback. Then, to spite me, I'd had the bleeding affect while walking to the toilet. I was a far cry from the girl who had been determined to solve the mystery and set things right. Now I couldn't tell right from wrong, reality from fantasy and my spiral into this mess had been sudden and uncontrolled. I felt weak, unimportant and a burden to those around me.

It seemed my sanity had finally snapped. I couldn't have remained completely level headed during this ordeal because that would have been too simplistic. My sanity had walked a fine line between the good and the bad and my journey of balancing the two sides of my life seemed to be coming to an end. Of course, everything was made worse by the fact that I hadn't slept a full night in a long while. Also, everyone had been so busy preparing for the ball that I'd been largely left to my own devices, my own thoughts and my own fears. It was how the spiral had started in the first place.

Now though, it was an unpleasant necessity to sleep. My dreams had become nightmares and the morning light never came quick enough. It was a wonder that I still managed to function relatively well and not arouse suspicion in those around me. Either I was a fantastic actor, or they were too busy to be observant.

Still, with the ball looming I had to put on a brave face and pretend that everything was alright. I no longer felt privileged to attend the ball, in fact, I wanted to avoid it altogether and hide in my bed instead. However, I knew I couldn't avoid the ball or ditch it. I'd have to suck it up, attend and make sure I looked like I was having a good time. Even though I did not want to spend an evening being frivolous and acting in a manner I was unaccustomed to, Raff wanted me there and I wanted to be near Raff.

Though I hadn't really seen my friends apart from Maria, they had obviously been hard at work. I'd taken to wandering aimlessly around the Castle to pull focus away from the bleeding affect, and to get my head on straight for the rest of the day. I realised I wandered around the Castle aimlessly far more than I walked around with purpose. When I returned to my room, I found that not only was there a beautiful outfit lying on the bed but that the bath was also running.

I seldom used the bath here as it took too long to fill up, but I had to admit that a bath did sound nice and without so much as a glance to the outfit waiting for me, I stumbled into the bathroom and hurried to undress and sink into the warmth that awaited me. I almost moaned in delight at the heat that greeted me, making my skin turn red and bringing up goosebumps to meet the water. I sunk like a stone, reveling in the way the water traveled my body and relaxing into the embrace. Funny thing baths, they made you forget all your worries and just relax in the moment. I stayed in the ball till my fingers were pruned and eventually I left the warmth of the water and returned to the world of the living and the cold floors of the Castle.

Now that I had bathed, I could have a closer look at the outfit on my bed. I'd expected a great many things but not the pure nostalgia that this outfit brought. It was as if the outfit had come straight from the early 1800s and whether it had or had just been made in the same still was a mystery.

The gown was beautiful and not of a colour I had expected. The top was a deep royal blue with gold stitching and gold beads. From just under the bust and down to the ground, the gown was a pale gold in colour and had royal blue sequins dotted around. There was also a lining pattern down the middle of the dress which split just after the knees and revealed more of the royal blue material, this time with gold stitches shaping the material with a pattern of diamonds. The gown came with a pair of gold flats, which were surprisingly comfy and a matching drawstring bag that shimmered in the light.

The dress was tighter than I would have liked and pushed my breasts up in a way I'd only seen in films. Still, at least I didn't have to wear a corset! Looking at myself in the mirror, I'd never looked so different in my life! The person in the mirror may have well been someone else. If it were not for the tail tale signs that it was me looking at back at my reflection, I would have feared I was trapped in another vision.

Staring at myself bought me no answers to the questions I sought. In fact, by the time someone had knocked on my door, I'd almost convinced myself that I didn't need to attend the ball at all.

At my command the door opened and in walked Ben. He was a sight for sore eyes and immediately I found myself relaxing. He looked very dapper in his outfit and was there to escort me down to the ballroom. A part of me was saddened that Raff has not come to accompany me but I assumed he was busy welcoming other guests.

With a sigh, we left the comfort of my room and walked into the unknown. The ball with a sea of faces I knew not.