"Grief can be a burden, but also an anchor. You get used to the weight, how it holds you in place." – Sarah Dessen, The Truth About Forever

1810

A swirl of colours.

Black as night, grey as despair and white as sin followed her every move.

Lifeless. Lost. Alone.

Waves crashed from within her mind, while tears flowed freely from her eyes. There was an ache in her chest that was bigger than any ache she'd felt before. It consumed her, it destroyed her, and it left her for dead.

They came in several times a day. To check on her. To watch her. To talk to her. It was another game. Why were they here? Did they not see that she needed no-one?

The grief was so vast that the light had been snuffed from the world. Life had lost all meaning and she was ready to give up on life.

Her world stood upside down now. She understands things now and knows that it's all her own fault. How much hurt can one body take? Surely death is better than the darkened cage she's put herself in.

She's in limbo. They all know it. The nuns have seen this behaviour before but she's different. They don't know how to reach her without causing her more harm.

She stares blankly at the wall before her. The grey brick stares back without promise. Without hope. Without lies. She is no better than the wall. She is worse than it. She is not worthy of sitting here.

A cry pierces the air, a bird maybe...but the cry stays with her.

A baby. Her baby.

Gone.

The tears continue to fall but she's made her choice and there is no going back now. The babe has gone. Her child has been taken from her. The darkness swirls around her, taking away every happy thought she ever had and leaving only bad memories in its wake.

She could not be a mother. Not now. Not ever. Yet she would have loved that baby so completely. If she had but been a different person, she would have given that baby the world, but it was not meant to be. By her own choice, her baby was given a better chance and though the darkness had entered her heart, she would not let it take her mind.

She'd carry her darkness, her depression, like a banner around her heart but more importantly, she'd carry on living. She needed to become hardened to the world outside, for it was not forgiving and it was not kind. She had seen the darkest parts of the world now and had come out the other side still breathing and still fighting.

"I gave her the best chance."